Friday, January 27, 2012

I give myself to you from the essence of my being. 38.

Last night was full of weird dreams.

Ones that I couldn't tell you in full detail because I didn't get straight up to write when I had it.

 The dreams were about rejection, being alone, and having a baby.

There were brief cutaways of being at parties. I was there with some other girls that I can't remember, but none of us were really a part of it. Like there were a bunch of people there having a good  time but we were kind of sitting out. I remember that someone I was really interested in was there but he clearly had no interest in me what-so-ever. Because of this, I wanted to leave, yet his friends kept on talking to me like, explaining what this guy was doing. It just made me sick about it.

After  being rejected by this guy I acted angry and rude toward Sean McIntyre and some other people from my Japanese class for some reason, you know people I see on a regular basis. It was like, for some reason Sean was at my kitchen table with his new girlfriend who "likes to play Warcraft" and for no reason I told her she looked like a slut, shortly after appologizing because I told her I thought she was someone else.
I would never in my right mind straight out call a girl a slut unless she had REALLY wronged me.

Note: I *did* like Sean quite a bit in the past, actually around this time last year. I ended up rejecting him in the long run though, in the craziest sense possible. I should of just been honest with him and told him how awkward it would be to be in Japanese together for the next year if we were dating. It would be like a show for everyone in there. Ugh. Yeah, it took quite awhile for me and Sean to enjoy eachother's company again.

Back to the dream. I remember having a baby girl, and not taking care of her very well. Like she was clean and fed and everything but I probably wasn't giving her the attention she deserved. It was like I was resentful toward it. Well, I was *alone* in this dream, so obviously whoever knocked me up with it was out of the picture. I remember the baby was tucked in on my own bed when I came in and wondered why she didn't have a crib of her own. Could this have some significance? She started crying at the top of her lungs when I came in and uncovered her. But note, she was FINE this entire time. Like she was fed and clean, but I wasn't really giving her any love. The whole picture just looked like I wasn't ready for this and wished I still had my own life. I was also angry at whoever the father was because I was alone to take care of her.

That's all I remember of my ongoing dream last night. I don't remember any specific details, but the dream kept on coming back as I fell in and out of sleep because of coughing attacks. Vivid dreams like this are typically attributed by medicine, and last night I took some perscription grade cough medicine. I wasn't particularily sad or feeling anything about this subject last night. Actually, I remember thinking how happy I felt with all of the friends I've been making lately and how well, not lonely I've been.

I guess my subconcious wanted to remind me of that void in my life. Again. I don't think I'm crazy, and I try to repress this as much as I can because it really is the only thing I can do. This is probably going to be another year of being "alone," which is especially likely because I have a set time that I'm leaving and no guys that are my age that even want a girlfriend want something that is almost guarenteed to only have the possibility of lasting until I leave. But why do people insist on looking that far ahead? Why can't they just live in the moment? ...Not that I'm one to talk about "living in the moment." I study for three hours a day just to hopefully seal a successful, comfortable future for myself, and someday I hope I can look back and thank myself for all the hard work I've put in. Because of this I strive for perfection and look WAY more to the future than I probably should.

I feel like looking up the meanings to some of the main objects of my dream.

Custosy of

Baby Clothes. In the dream I remember seeing my baby's clothes that needed to be changed.
To see baby clothes in your dream suggests that you are expressing yourself in a more subtle way. Alternatively, baby clothes represent your former ways of thinking or old habits which you have outgrown.
This is so true! I have been growing a lot as a person. I've become a lot more secure with myself, more social, and I don't let nearly as many things and anxieties bother me anymore. I feel that I've become more self aware of how frantic I tend to act. I've also been trying to become more cafeful of anger flareups and becoming a better listener. Because I've realized, nobody really wants to hear me blather on about myself. They want to talk about themselves. This is why I have this blog.

Baby. To see a baby in your dream signifies innocence, warmth and new beginnings. Babies symbolize something in your own inner nature that is pure, vulnerable, helpless and/or uncorrupted. If you find a baby in your dream, then it suggests that you have acknowledged your hidden potential.

This is pretty true too. I have become a lot more secure with myself, and I'm no longer that afraid of what people think of me or humiliated about the past. That chapter of my life is over and with this new year I'm moving forward. But at the same time I was sort of mistreating that baby, as if symbolically I'm afraid of facing these new changes and something inside me is still scared and vulnerable.

To dream of a crying baby symbolizes a part of yourself that is deprived of attention and needs to be nurtured.

Well, this is obvious.
It's time to get going with my day.

Today's Friday which means I'm going to hopefully get some work done and play a lot of guitar. Other than that I don't have plans. I'd really like to get my hair dyed black, which was inspired by this picture that I saw on Suicide girls. I really think I could rock it. I feel it's time to stop worrying about what my mom and sister think and try something new.

I haven't talked to or seen Katelynn in a couple weeks now. It's weird, she completely flaked on Wednesday and didn't give me any heads up why she didn't end up coming over. I think it'd be a good gesture to bring over Alan's replacement CD today. Yeah, maybe it's a good idea to just go into town. I've got some errands to do. If anything, I could buy that hairdye at Sally's. Brad says he doesn't think it would look good on me, and immediately he's making me doubt it.

My biggest fear with dying my hair black is my mom saying "UR TRYING TO LOOK AZN!!!" or some stupid shit that she likes to say. I DON'T WANT TO LOOK ASIAN, but this gives my mom ammunition to think that I do if I were to do this.

I just randomly started crying out of nowhere. I don't understand why this happens to me, everything is FINE. I SHOULD BE HAPPY. I HAVE A TON OF FRIENDS. I'M DOING WELL IN SCHOOL. I hate depression, so much, I just gotta keep fighting.


1 comment:

  1. ahh who cares what anybody thinks- its your hair dye it black purple or whatever color as long as your happy with it.


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