Saturday, December 24, 2011

~15~ HURRAY NEW YEARS IS COMING, ..oh, and happy Christmas eve!

The past couple days have been hectic, mainly with work.

Thursday and Friday were the only days I was scheduled this week, but the shifts were long and tedious. Luckily, yesterday I was in a FANTASTIC mood and it made things go by quickly. I recently acquired some good Tilapia from a friend of Jake's, and it's been good company for me during this boring Christmas break. Well, it hasn't been terribly boring, just broke because my job still owes me money. I'll probably just get it on Thursday. Wait, today is... Saturday. That means I get paid on the 29th of December. That's in five days. I can survive five days without spending a terrible amount of money right? And the best part is....

New Years is coming!!!
2012 baby!

Usually, New Years doesn't mark that much of a new beginning for me. Last year it was just a nightmare because I was with Michael, and then shortly after was in the hospital for a kidney infection and saw myself look the unhealthiest and ugliest I've ever seen in my life. I wish I could of gotten a picture. It was horrific.

It really is exciting for me. 2011 was a pretty awful year in a lot of ways, it was a year for a lot of growing. Though it wasn't the worst year I've ever had because I learned a lot of Japanese, met a lot of great people, had my first actual year of "college." Well, the crappy CBC version of college but still college regardless.

You know, lets make a list of all the good and bad things that happened in 2011. Just for the nostalgia of it.

Bad Things that Happened in 2011
(we can end on a good note)

1. Well, Michael Kaminski situation. He made my family not trust my judgement and gave me paranoia of sleeping next to guys. That wasn't good and still makes me feel a little queesy to this day.  Still also continues to be embarrising when I'm around Katelynn.

2. Getting a kidney infection and feeling like I'm legitamitely going to die for the first time in my life. That was frightening.

3. Being manipulated by two huge dumbasses in a very short amount of time. Got manipulated, felt used, etc etc. Those mistakes left two more scars that I have to live with. This year, I'm going to change and not let that happen again. Ever.

4. Having my first panic attack and felt like I was legitamitely going insane around my 20th birthday. My fear of death sort of erupted. Temporarily lost touch with the purpose of living. Also temporarily lost faith in God. I'm still trying to find it again and I think for the first time in my life I so badly want to believe.

5. Had, and still frequently have, major anxieties over what people think and say about me based on what I've done and embarrising things I've said. I think about it every day, and sometimes it gets harder and harder to brush off.

6. Lost most of my trust in men, and even spending time with them now is a struggle for me because it makes me feel prone to anxiety. I tend to reject my own feelings towards people because I feel hopeless in the matter. This has also made me want to try dating women instead. This whole year has just been continual slaps in the face by men and their ridiculousness, and it makes me think that all the other girls that are dealing with it might be getting sick of it too. That's why, when I move out, I plan to change my interested in to "men and women." I've always been bi but never particularily attracted to many women and their bullshit, but sometimes I think I'd be happier on a different road.

The mediocre, some-good-some-bad learning experiences in 2011
1. Guy Stevens this summer. Even if he drove me nuts with his shady ass plans, constant partying and lack of sincerity, he had his good points as well. Believe it or not, he helped me become WAY better about my body because he continually let me know how nice it is. That was really important for me.

2. Started taking Brokaid. Helped me focus all spring quarter and allowed me 3 hour + study blocks. Got amazing grades. The bad part is, Robert claims it's damaging my lungs and I'm too scared to look it up.

3. Started smoking regularly. This helped me calm down and be overall happier, but I sometimes feel like now I catch myself doing things and thinking "This would be so much better if I was high right now.."

The Good Things in 2011

1. Got a new computer that is 100% mine! Finally got to download the Sims 2 and it's become a great escape for me.

2. Started drawing realism in May. Dropped drawing anime all together.

3. Saw SYSTEM OF A DOWN!!!! Greatest day EVER!!

4. Also saw COHEED AND CAMBRIA! So basically, I saw my two ultra favorite bands in 2011. That does count for something huge.

5. Learned a ton of Japanese! Now when I watch anime or a Japanese television show, I can actually understand some of what they're saying. My speaking abilities have been improving as well. It's very impressive to me but I need to continue to practice a lot in 2012.

There's probably a lot more that could be named, but for now I'm going to get offline. I need to go to Wal mart to buy something. It's going to be a nightmare in there, considering it's Christmas eve, but it's really important that I buy this.


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