Unless I write it down for real, PS

Evening.

It's 10:07 PM and I'm feeling sort of drowsy. Today was sort of boring and I'm happy school is starting the day after tomorrow. Still no word from the Subway manager so I should probably try to call him tomorrow. I'm thinking he might have reconsidered hiring me. Hopefully not, I could definitely use the money, but this quarter is going to be hard and will probably hit me like a ton of bricks by this time next week. 

I didn't do anything remotely academic over spring break. Michael warned me that I should be looking over R which I didn't get around too. I also need to email updated copies of my resume to another couple internships I was looking at for this summer. It's really important that I get that stuff squared away too.. Doing well in an internship will really help me find a job after school and then I won't have to potentially move back into my parent's house after I graduate. 

I also had the intention of briefing the first couple chapters of my finance book to get prepared for what's to come. I actually might have done this had I brought the book back with me to benton city, and the stress of not having it made me want to leave home since Tuesday night. Of course I didn't because my Dad told me how silly that was and that I just needed to relax.

Stress is my biggest struggle. It prevents me from getting a lot done, especially when I'm not diligent about writing down what I need to accomplish in any given day. That structure alleviates a lot of stress for me and when I'm back home I feel like that structure completely evaporates. Whenever I sit down and try to do something productive it doesn't take long to get distracted. Whether it's someone talking to me or talking in the background, some loud TV somewhere, cats meowing at the door trying to get in or out, feeling uncomfortable because I'm in some unusual spot... 

Working out helped my stress a lot last quarter.

Luckily these type of distractions in my apartment are non-existent but I have to learn to adapt to being productive in other environments so I am not so frequently confined here.  Last quarter instead of working out at home using those videos I started using the gym which has been great, I really missed the gym this last week. 

....I've also missed the flipping library! One thing I did do a ton of over spring break was draw and I've got some awesome ones that I'm excited as hell to upload on Monday. Ever since I stopped taking lessons and allowed myself to more diversify my skills my drawing technique has shot through the roof and I'm having a blast drawing anyone I feel like....

peace. 

Changes come, Keep your dignity

I like that my work schedule is laid out in a way that I have multiple days in a row that I'm off because it lets me coordinate my schedule easier. Of course most of what takes up my schedule is practicing guitar and any other responsibilities that I happen to have going on that day.

Anyway today's been good. Found my debit card (I had almost thrown it away. I put it in a bag from work and almost trashed the bag) and have had the house to myself for the most part. I played an hour of guitar while I watched this documentary about the author of Atlas Shrugged that basically talks about how government control in the United States is going to take over like it did in Russia and that eventually they will try to control our lives by continuing to create new regulations and rules to benefit the system. It's really hard to explain and I'm sure that makes no sense the way I just wrote it but it's a really interesting theory.

This was a documentary that my Mom told me to watch so when I saw it come up on Netflix I was like, I should really watch this, just to learn something this evening rather than watch King of the hill because I haven't had a stressful day and didn't need to pacify my mind. I'm happy I watched it. My sister is making an awesome dinner right now and I think I'm going to munch on nutella and pretzels later. Should be a good evening.

Today I met Alan and Katelynn at Leslie Groves park. I'm not sure if I mentioned this earlier but Katelynn did cut off from that Devin guy that she was sort of digging for a little while. She was just over it quickly. She and Alan are still very cordial with eachother but it definitely no longer has an affectionate vibe. I don't know, maybe this is just a rough patch in their relationship and everything will be back to normalcy there.

I really liked laying out by the water today, it was nice. We went to Thai food afterward and I ended up accidentally ordering too much and getting a ton of leftovers. It's fine though, that'll be great for tomorrow. Emerald of Siam is delicious but MAN I spent the most on that meal then I have in awhile... lol watch out for appetizers.

Zach, Steven and Cheyanne are living downstairs from them now. I'm really interested in how that's been going. Zach and I haven't talked since the SOAD concert a couple years back and he took me off his friends list which is usually a pretty good indication that another person wants to stay strangers with you. I can respect that and understand because our lifestyles are different.

Well I'll talk to you guys later.

peace.

Here's a song I've really liked lately-- Momma Sed by Puscifer. It's got a really powerful message about not letting life circumstances cause you to lose your dignity. Society will have it's way on you, "Take it like a man." 

Nobody helps you. Changing your life is based on your own conscious decisions to make change. 

How to meditate and so forth

Yo.

It's almost 5 pm. I tried to meditate for awhile but my head seemed too crowded with thoughts to relax. I'm going to try to get them out here I suppose.

Lol finally added my "rival" on facebook. 

Today was an ordinary Wednesday. As predicted Terry and I didn't talk at all yesterday but he was really chatty today. He got a 31 on the quiz so he actually did pretty well, I didn't deliberately look for his score when I was trying to find mine so I must have looked at a different one in the pile. He also got the stats homework done last night and got a 15/15 so he's now ahead of me. Tonight I intend to do my Stats homework, hopefully get 15/15 (if not, well, second attempt I should...) and then work on some job applications again. I have a couple tests coming up-- one in Stats in two days and one in Econ on Monday. So Stats really is my main priority right now.. want to get an A this quarter I'm serious!!

I'm really hoping to get a call back from that restaurant I talked to yesterday. I intend to call them the day after tomorrow (Friday) around 3 to speak with a manager to ask if the position has been filled... I really need a job, I'm too nervous to even check my balance to be honest. Ha ha all I know is I'm running out of different food that I need so I'll have to inevitably spend money AGAIN... then my Guitar lessons, $80 down the hole.

Which is why I want to get a job, make some damn money and get out of here. I've been B-O-R-E-D...... not much has been going on in my life this week aside from school, studying, get stuff done... etc etc...

I don't usually spend much time with people on the weekdays anymore, which is why I feel it's necessary to get a job.

Lol I got bored with the webcam today. I sometimes think about how crazy it would be to have an identical twin.

I have been pretty content with things overall lately. Men can be so confusing, I've given up trying to understand why they act the way that they do. I just live by the rule of thumb now to be myself and not act stupid. Something good will take me out of this routine eventually.

I just need to focus on what's important for me all day-- keep my eyes on what I need to do and get stuff done accordingly. I've been trying to get ahold of my Dad today to apologize for freaking out on him but we always have to get in one yelling match when I go home so whatever, it's routine I guess.

peace.


Oh! For those of you that are reading that want to know more about meditation... It's really easy to meditate. You can either listen to music-- any kind of fine but most people prefer instrumental music. I personally recommend the "Chill out" channel on spotify that I have on in the background for calming Ambient music all the time now. 

Anyway lye on your bed. Get comfortable. Close your eyes and focus on your nostrils as you breath in and out. As you do this focus on your midbrain...

Focusing on your midbrain while you simultaneously focus breathing through your nose will eventually cause you to fall into meditation.

You will notice that the inside of one of your nostrils will feel slightly congested when you first start focusing on your breathing, this is natural. How you know that you're falling into the stages of meditation is that both of your nostrils will feel open as you further focus on your breathing. If you do this your body will begin to feel numb and your limbs will feel heavy. 

Make sure your eyes are closed. As you fall into deeper meditation the light behind your eyelids will get darker. Accept this, don't let alarm you and fall further into the darkness. The more you can relax the better.

When your in a meditative state you have a clearer sense of consciousness. Complete bliss as you lose the feeling of your limbs and manifest only in your soul. That's the only way I can explain it. Love it, and so healthy for your body too! Monks have been doing it for thousands of years.

Drive straight on. Don't stare at me, I'm on duty.

Rawr. Some of my Chinese neighbors made a snowlion on January 3rd. Clearly this has been snowed over a few times since then and doesn't look as perfect as it did before but I had to get a picture of it. 

Hello. 

Today was good, started bright and early and managed to get everything that I needed done out of the way even if my Dad came to visit around 5. We went to Ellensburg Pasta Co. and Safeway. We had some pretty funny conversations, he was in a good mood for the most part even if it's impossible to get through an evening with him without him blowing up about the cost of school and needing a part time job.

I could not handle a part time job in my present circumstances, with the anxiety that comes from going to school alone and waking up every day with what always seems like a mountain of stuff to do adding a part time job would be impossible. I am happy to say I have not had a panic attack all day today but it's the first day in awhile. 

My Dad bought me some retro stickers that I hung around my corkboard. My wall is really looking great, it feels so homey in here now that I've got all my stuff scattered and hung around. I'm halfway through my time living here. Next year I plan to live in Anderson. We'll cross that bridge when it comes...

One of my favorite Youtube users, YangHaiying said the following in one of her videos that I've listened to for relaxation when I'm feeling tense:

"It does not help to worry." 

I know that sounds like a very simple phrase but if you really think about it, it's so true. Worrying doesn't help anything. I said this to myself out loud today when I had a sudden onset panic feeling when I knew my Dad was coming in an hour and I hadn't finished reading for my English 102 class. By saying this phrase out loud and calming down, I was able to calm down enough to finish reading before my Dad showed up.

Oh my gosh.... I just went on my Youtube to look for another video and stumbled upon this. StimmeKoreas had posted a response to it saying this wasn't the first video game North Korea has ever created (apparently there's also a weird boxing one that displays hatred for the South Korean president...). Regardless, this is hilarious. It's actually created by a Chinese company for more people to get to know North Korea but the graphics and sound are awful so turn down your volume.

peace. 

Made a boring day at home pretty productive, again.

People wonder why I exercise every single day. That right there.

Monday is now almost over.

I didn't really do much of anything all day. Got up around 10, read about forty or so pages of Memoirs of a Geisha (and I'll probably read more tonight), played my guitar for an hour and made some progress on both Inis Mona and cleaning up Schism.

My confidence in Japanese right now is so bad.... Chris posted some comment in Japanese and I couldn't read it at all. I mean I could read some words but it was just like my brain looked at it like it was the biggest annoyance imaginable. Like the characters looked like seeing something just hideously confusing. I've just lost all confidence in it. It's almost annoying to me now. Ever since I did shitty on that test, disappointed myself, FAILED. You guys understand what I'm dealing with now if I mess up on a test. I just feel like I can't even do it at all anymore and have no interest in continuing.

Todays been such a lonely ass day. I really haven't talked to anyone... Haven't texted anyone, so I guess it's sort of my fault I haven't talked to anyone. I just usually get texted first by people. I'll go days where I'm talking to people constantly and going out constantly, fun fun fun... then I have days where it's like, wow, nothing is happening. Well, I have tomorrow and wednesday for whatever I want to do because I'm not working, then I work on Thursday, and work during the weekend of course, then it's back to the old grind again and I'm not looking forward to my last quarter at CBC very much.

You know me, I'll make the most of it. I'm just SO done with that place. SO ready to move on...

I didn't even post on facebook that I've technically got my AA now. Reason being, I'm still gonna be going to that stupid ass school again next quarter. Secondly, it's like, wow, who cares, you've been there for three years, took you long enough. I mean my sister is probably going to have her AA when she graduates and she's only going to be 18. Her grades aren't as good as mine though, she's not as freaked out about it as I am.

I can't believe that it's only taken a few days of not being around my friends to feel like absolute crap. If I didn't have pot I'd probably be having an emotional breakdown, it's so stupid. I wish I didn't feel this way. I just try to relax and take things as they come.

I know! I'll exercise. That makes me feel better, every time. Take off this damn makeup, pull my hair up, and exercise for a good hour, then I'll play guitar for a good hour (making two hours today), and go to sleep. I'll feel awesome after that, guarenteed. : )

peace.