Taking a day to figure stuff out... insomnia

I'm skipping class today.

Well it's not really skipping if you feel like you really shouldn't go because it wouldn't have any benefit to you today. I got zero sleep last night. I haven't been getting enough sleep lately. I'm going to make a plan to fix this here and now.

I went to bed at 10 after drinking a glass of wine and taking half a motion sickness relief pill and I thought that'd be enough. Apparently not because I was up tossing and turning for the next three hours or so.

Yesterday wasn't a good day because of the stress of not talking to anyone for eight hours and it had a number on my appetite. For dinner I had half a grilled cheese, some quaker chips and some yogurt which I knew probably wasn't enough but because I wasn't feeling hungry necessarily and because the wine was making me sleepy I went ahead and went to bed. It was a mistake. There was so much crap on my mind that I didn't feel hungry enough to get up and eat something. So first of all, no more wine before bed. Though it relaxes me initially (which of course I like) it's not working for me to get adequate sleep and I feel it's one of the main reasons I've been tossing and turning all night. 

At 12 am I got up and had half a piece of wheat bread. Usually this does the trick for me if I can't sleep and know I'm hungry. This actually made it somewhat worse because as my appetite began to wake up so did my mind. However I chose to ignore it and continued to try to sleep. I had a prayer, please, just two hours of sleep or so is all I'd really need.... Everything happens for a reason.

My sleeping schedule has been messed up since I started taking Prozac because it makes me quite tired during the day when I combine it with lorazapam to combat anxiety. I have not lost faith in prozac yet, I've been weening myself off the lorazapam which is harder than I thought it would be. Last night at around 2 AM I took a half to hopefully relax me enough to sleep. Nope. Continue to cut back from lorazapam which is also one of the main reasons for sleepiness during the day. It's hard but I have to do it to get my sleeping schedule back in check. Or maybe instead of taking them during the day it'd be a better idea to take one at night before bed as my doctor advised when he first prescribed them.

Not only that but I went to bed with so much on my mind last night. I came out on my facebook about my problems with Central. This wasn't an easy task for me because in all honesty I'm slightly humiliated about it-- even if my mom says being in a new environment like this and my current circumstances would make many people stressed out. I have such high expectations for myself with the guitar and my studies that I've always got something to get done. Unfortunately this has left me very isolated and here it is almost February and I'm still trying to make adjustments to make my life better here.

Medication has been helpful in a number of ways, like classes haven't had me as hung up as they did last quarter to the point that I felt like I was having panic attacks in class. No, class has really become my happy time of the day, it's all of the time that I'm not in class that get to me. I applied for a position as an English tutor yesterday so I'm hoping to get the position.

Working here on campus was originally out of the question for me because I kept thinking, "Oh I'd never have time to get my guitar practicing in and my schoolwork if I have  a job..." but my Dad had a sit down talk with me this last weekend and convinced me otherwise. It was Sunday evening and I had a bit of a breakdown when I started feeling anxiety about coming back here again (an extreme case of this, though I didn't realize it at the time, was around Thanksgiving before finals when I was having panic attacks my last couple days at home nearly all the time).

Both of my parents feel awful about the situation here and are doing everything they can to help me. I feel like my friends from back home are the same way, they're so extremely supportive. I openly admitted on my facebook last night that these have been some of the hardest months of my life, and it's true. When you have depression and/or anxiety tendencies like I do, isolation can exasperate the symptoms and because I'm living in such a stressful environment in general with all the stuff I have to get done it's led me to feeling far different than I've ever felt.

Not really talking to anyone for hours on end is the absolute pits. I've had to work especially hard to keep my head busy...

Wow I'm getting extremely tired now. I got up and threw up this morning because I was so stressed out about making my decision to not go to class today even if I know it's always an important lecture day-- especially in Finite because we're going through the most difficult part of the chapter. I'm probably going to go to one of the tutors tonight to get me caught up today.

I do have some plans, Allie and I are going to eat lunch together at 1-ish and I've got my first group counciling meeting at 3. Until then I plan to sleep a bit, eat, probably study and practice a little... I don't know, trying to just mellow out today because it's been a hard week so far.

peace.

So happy to have had fun tonight

Today started out rough but ended really good for a number of reasons. 

After getting the news about Gerardo and feeling like I wasn't going to have anything to do this weekend, I decided to go home. Shortly after I'd told Katelynn I was going back Allie had texted me saying she was going to a shooting range and wanted to invite me along. Kind of torn I decided it'd be the best idea to try to have some fun in Ellensburg for once and just come home next weekend...

So I woke up this morning thinking Allie and I were going to go shooting. She texted me saying her and her friend rode up there and discovered "the shooting range is full, sorry!" I didn't even respond, I was so frustrated. This was at about 12:00 PM, I probably wouldn't have left much earlier had I not made other plans but by that time I was definitely ready to go. Escape from this silent apartment. I shoved a bunch of junk in an overnight bag and left. Even if it's just for a night and tomorrow being home for the weekend will get me through.

I just can't handle sitting alone in that apartment all weekend, which is what I know I'd be doing if I was there. Allie's hanging out with a bunch of girls that we'd met at that party last night. I wouldn't have even gotten an invite, I haven't heard from her all day. 

On the bright side, though, I got home safe and Katelynn and I hung out all evening. We went to Winco and I did a little grocery shopping. Some of the selection here I can't get in Ellensburg without spending a fortune at Fred meyer. I spent about 60 bucks on that, then got Katelynn and I some jumbo slices of pizza before we left. 

When we got back we smoked a little and danced in my sister's room (shh) to Nicki Minaj on her jumbo TV with the Wii. Then we went out in the kitchen and took those pictures above, just screwing around and laughing, watching king of the hill... I had such a great time tonight.

AND! Really good news, I got ahold of Jacob about rescheduling our lesson time and he said he might be able to figure something out for Mondays. That would be perfect for me and would allow me to go to the SHRM meetings, and there's one in the following week. So between going to group therapy twice this next week, the meeting and probably getting my guitar piece scanned on Monday, this should be a good week.

I just wanted to be comfortable and enjoy myself this weekend. Too often I feel uncomfortable in the silence of that damn apartment.... especially when Kristin's completely gone. Even if Kristin and I don't talk much knowing she's there on the weekdays makes it a little more lively. 

This writing might be a little screwy, I drank a big glass of wine earlier and I'm feeling more relaxed than I have in quite awhile. It just feels nice to be home. I explained to my mom that regardless of the fact that it's 200 miles getting back and forth between here and Ellensburg, it's really the only way I could keep my sanity on the weekends if things don't change. I'm happy I live close enough to have this option. I'm not going to say I can't stand that school because the weekdays are fine for the most part... it just feels like school to me and I have a ton on my plate to do and think about. But on the weekends I just want to get the Hell out of there.

It was snowing when I left, I wonder how it'll be when I come back tomorrow evening.

peace. 

Will this sh*t ever end?

Well fudge. Gerardo's gay.

I think I should have probably known. I mean just based on the fact that he's done modeling, the fact he's into fashion, etc etc... That was interesting while it lasted. One of his best friends posted "OMG Gerardo's gay" as her status and I'm thinking to myself, ookay wait a second... I can't believe it hadn't really crossed my mind, he seemed pretty into me and I just thought his clothes had to do with culture difference.

He wrote "I think you are very gorgeous and everything about you is marvelous you can have any guy you desire... I hope I didn't upset you." He's a sweetheart.

This whole situation has been absolutely bizarre. Definitely something I'll remember, also something that's never happened to me before. It's always hard when you like someone for one reason or another you can't spend time with them. This was a relatively soft blow for me though, considering I didn't think anything could come from this anyway, even if he was straight. Like I don't speak Spanish fluently. Period.

God has a reason for everything. I will keep telling myself this over the next few days. I can't help feeling a little sick for some reason. Like I just want to go to bed because there's no point in tonight.

I felt accomplished completing my two tests in finite and economics earlier. I also went to my first counselling session and was asked a ton of questions about my current situation and why I'm seeking therapy. According to Kristin Bell, aka Ichbinkeinberliner, it's a good idea to treat moderate depression with a combination of therapy and medication so that's what I'm doing.

This is a video she posted. I sometimes watch her videos to get hope about depression.

She's right that taking medication is like night and day, but certain things are hard to swallow regardless. I'm going to a few group therapy sessions in the next couple weeks before I start having individual therapy again. As a student at CWU it's free, and even if there's a waiting list I'm going to take advantage of what I can. She's also encouraging me to join clubs and I really want to join SHRM but they've got their meetings at 6' in Shaw... My guitar lessons usually go until 6:15 and Shaw is completely on the other side of campus, I'd always inevitably be late but on the 31st I really want to go. 

I should maybe talk to Jake about how serious it is that I do join a club and hopefully get my guitar lesson time changed. I so often feel alone here and I want to meet people so bad. I discussed with my councilor how difficult this has been for me, especially before I got on meds. My ability to deal with this isolation has gotten much better but I still can't help feeling lost here. 

peace. 

So close no matter how far....

Hello, damn it's quiet here.. I'm going to make sure to get out and do something this weekend.

Tonight I really should have gotten more studying done. I feel pretty confident in my economics because I've been really studying that a lot over the last week. Finite I'm feeling "meh," because it's only 7:30 and I've been dicking around on facebook and sleeping for a good portion of the day I feel I should get about 45 minutes of each subject in before bed.

I just hate studying sometimes because my room is really quiet. Maybe I'll put on some classical music or something just to break up the silence. I thought maybe I'd have lunch with Allie today and she said she'd text me but I haven't heard from her all day. I've been back since 11', and slept from around 1-3 after I made myself lunch. It's not a good idea to take a nap right after lunch, that's how you gain weight... but lately my body just wants me to sleep after classes. It could be partially because of the Prozac and also because it's winter and it's freaking freezing out.

Ha ha I found this recently and I'm probably gonna post it on facebook one of these days. This has to be a Canadian magazine or something. I miss my baby back home so much right now. I know she misses me too. I wish I could move into an apartment next year just to have her here with me... Oh well, I'll have her all summer. 

I had a good lesson with Jacob tonight. He approved my choice on Nothing Else Matters for the recital but he said "it's a hard song." which makes me a little concerned but I've got two months and I'm going to work on it every day. I think it's an absolutely beautiful piece and it will be very rewarding to learn and perform with all my hard work in fingerpicking over the past couple weeks. I'm happy I made this step to try fingerpicking, now that I've gotten the hang of it. 

It's a weird feeling to have not really talked to anyone since 11:00 this morning. I think I'll call my mom before I start studying. I tried calling her last night but she was going to Olive Garden with Avery and Jim for her birthday. I can't believe Avery's 18 now. 

Prozac has been giving me extremely vivid dreams; what's even weirder is that they make sense, they feel so realistic. I had a dream about Jack last night. 

I remember being in a huge Sanrio store, looking in the mirror and he walked in and I stormed out. He followed me outside (somehow we were at the Uptown) and told me he was "sorry." I was like, "What is this?! Answer me!" and he's like, "Nothing just kiss me." Then we kissed, it was all so vivid and I remember thinking "Wow I feel so stupid, what if people see how easily I forgive him.." I then remember my Mom pulling up in front to pick me up. Zoe was sitting in the front seat of the van but she looked a lot younger and Traci's son Wyatt was in the backseat, except he was talking and toddler age. I think this is somehow reflective of how long my feelings for him have lasted over the years. 

I've barely even thought about Jack since he told me he's seeing someone, but apparently he's still buried in my subconscious somewhere. 

peace. 

Isn't that a lovely picture... That's my nightly glass of wine in my hand. 

That's me after being exhausted all day but still managing to get as much work done as possible.. Like I woke up tired after not being about to sleep well last night and was yawning all day. Somehow I still had the ability to practice guitar for two hours, study my economics for a solid hour, get my finite homework done and I've still got time to get a little of my English done before bed. 

I was so tempted to go to sleep all day but even when I laid down in bed my mind wouldn't let me. I prayed last night that I would have the patience to get a bunch of work done today and I feel like that prayer was answered. Ha ha, I'll probably pray the same thing tonight because tomorrow is going to be just as heavy of a work load. 

I'm still keeping up with my finite math homework even if it's getting into what the professor said is the "hardest part of the quarter." I've got the combination/permutation formulas down but I'm having a hard time distinguishing when to use each. I'm hoping it'll be painfully obvious on the word problems on the test. Knowing the professor it will be. He's so cool, he assigns specific problems to look at before taking the weekly tests so as long as I study those I should be fine. 

My econ test on Friday has me sort of stressed out because it's the first big exam but I've studied the material pretty well, I mean I really seem to be getting it in class but the application of the formulas and graphs usually gets me. I would go to tutoring tomorrow but I've got lessons with Jake so I'm on my own. That's fine, with all the work I've put into my classes this week and the lack of emotional turmoil from prozac I feel I can conquer most things. 

I texted Gerardo once today, pretty much just saying I hope his day's been good and that I've been really busy with studying. It's crazy, we text eachother in Spanish-- which is how we're getting to know eachother and honestly it's working just fine. I'd like to hope I'm picking up some speaking ability from doing this. He works 5 days a week at a really physically taxing job.. He's like a groundskeeper for this huge piece of property here in Ellensburg and he's lived here for a year working there (no puedo nunca...lol). He only has saturdays and sundays off. He'll probably want to party Saturday so I'm wondering if I'll get to see him. I didn't feel *super* comfortable at that party last weekend, for obvious reasons, but I'm sure we'll see eachother this weekend at some point. 

So regardless of our interesting, almost comical circumstances we still like eachother and I'm just enjoying my time going with the flow with this. Ha ha, at least he's not Japanese or something, then I'd have a real problem. I can't communicate in Japanese hardly at all. I've somehow held onto a good amount of Spanish though and I'm going to try and learn more every day. 

peace. 

Comfort food, yawn.

I feel like I shouldn't be writing right this second because I still have a lot to do. Oh well.

I can't actually post what's been on my mind all day. What I will say, however, is that mental illnesses are treatable with proper medication and it makes me very sad to see someone spiral out of control. I feel like I was going there with depression and anxiety for awhile but since I've started taking prozac I feel much better overall. I'm no longer breaking down and crying nearly every day or thinking about things that don't matter that much as frequently. I feel like I'm in better control of my life...

Chicken with gravy and mashed potatos has been one of my favorite things to eat lately. Comfort food I guess. 

I've had some lousy chest pain today. I've been logging my meals onto a site called MyFitnessPal and it's telling me that I eat too much protein. I have as balanced of a diet as I can, and I feel like eating one skinless panfried chicken breast or 4 oz steak with dinner each night is good for me. I dunno, maybe I should eat pasta dishes more often. They just usually don't sound that appealing because I only know how to prepare it one way... With a little butter, parmesan cheese and garlic salt. I eat that every couple days.

Classes were good today. I got a 9/10 on my second finite math test and I was asked to be one of the study group leaders. Jessie was too. My time slot is 3-5 pm in the library and I doubt anyone will show up but hey, it gives me a good excuse to study for a solid two hours either way. That can't hurt my grades.

Today so far the only homework that I've done is English and once I get off here I've gotta read 7.1, do a small assignment and do some econ multiple choice before bed. I want to work out, too, so I'm probably not going to go to sleep until 11 or so. I did take a nap today right after classes so it's fine.

This entry is boring. Sorry guys, it's a Tuesday that's basically like a monday because of the 3 day weekend, bear with me. At least I'm not miserable, ha ha.

peace. 

PROZAC and getting out more.

Estoy muy contento.

Haven't had a panic attack all weekend. Thursday I drove home for a doctor's appointment and saw the same doctor that prescribed me the Lorazapam so he knew exactly what was up. For the past couple weeks I found myself crying every day for one reason or another, felt myself continually spiraling into panic attacks... It was absolute Hell and slipping into deeper and deeper depression. I didn't have to explain much to my doctor, he believed me without question. In our last appointment he told me I should stop smoking to curb my anxiety. I was happy to tell him I had stopped completely. Maybe he had a harder time believing that, ha ha.

Prozac is an anti-anxiety medication that also is meant to help with a number of other things such as insomnia, depression and... Bulimia for some reason. I didn't really get that one, I hope that means it helps with nausea because with my anxiety I sometimes get nausea really bad and it makes me feel like I'm going to throw up. I haven't gone through any of that in the past few days though.

Granted I am still taking Lorazapam every so often. I'm cutting back on that though and I'm happy I am when I did. Lorazapam is definitely habit forming because it's a rapid release drug so you feel like you need one every 3-4 hours. I didn't like that because even if I felt normal when I was taking it, I was always nervous that it'd wear off at a time when I need it most. That's why I'd always take it before my classes but then I'd get home and feel like I wanted to go to bed because I didn't want to deal with anxiety. It was a hard cycle.

Because Prozac is in the same family as Paxil and Zoloft it's meant to be a long term use drug. My doctor told me he's known patients that have used Prozac their entire life. That makes me happy because I don't want to experiment with new drugs on the market. It also means however that it can take a couple weeks to fully kick into your system. He told me to have faith in the drug if I don't feel it for a little while and to have a follow up appointment in a month if there's any problems. I'm hoping to God there's not.

I took Paxil for a number of years and it did help a great deal when I was going through some of the worst depression in middle school. It turned my life around. I'm hoping that Prozac can help me enjoy my experience here more, not be so freaking stressed out all the time.

This weekend's been pretty eventful. On Friday Allie had invited me to come to her friends birthday party. It was more of a kickback setting, I bought a large apple cider with my new friend Alec that got me feeling good from the get-go. I love hard cidar, it doesn't taste disgusting like beer does. It's my drink of choice. I had a shot of vodka too. We stuck around here for a couple hours before Allie's friend and some others decided to go to the bars. I was invited to come but wanted to stick with Allie so we (Allie, this other group of girls and I) all left to another house.

The people there were primarily Hispanic so I felt a little out of place there. I was pretty good on drinking but the host of the party offered me a beer that I held onto taking little sips from for the time I was there. Most of the girls were wearing skin tight dresses and heals, very dolled up. As you can see in this picture I was wearing a tank top and a cardigan. I didn't really care at this point though, I was pretty drunk and didn't mind just sitting on the edge of a couch people watching for awhile. 

Allie kept on disappearing with some guy. I spotted someone I thought was really cute so I struck up a conversation. Err... or at least I tried too.. His name is Gerardo and he moved up from Mexico about a year ago. He's gorgeous, but his English isn't very good. You guys would be surprised how much Spanish I can speak. Having a hard ass teacher in highschool, plus working out on the farm, plus having Hispanic customers at Rite Aid has actually helped me retain quite a bit. I can understand quite a bit of what he says too, at least when he's talking to me. We've been texting and with my knowledge of Spanish grammar and the use of Bing Translate we've been able to communicate pretty well. 

Lol he's got a lot of cute pictures on facebook but this is one of the few that it's just him. He likes fashion and he's modeled before. He's got a huge family back home, including 14 nieces and nephews. He thinks I'm really beautiful so I hope we spend more time together. It's really good spanish practice for me to text him if nothing else. 

peace. 

Things are looking up.

Today was a pretty good day.

Even if I'm getting really nauseous for some reason and I'm wondering if I'm getting sick. There's something going around, Allie told me she was feeling nauseous and hadn't felt like eating lately and I can relate. I had a big dinner tonight of a fried chicken breast and mashed potatos. I didn't even care, I was feeling so optimistic because I literally felt happy today for the first time in two weeks.

I'd texted Allie last night asking if she'd had plans for lunch. She said she didn't and we ate together in this side dining area called... Hogue I think, that I didn't even know about. It was a buffet style side of the SURC that served a bunch of stuff. I only got a vegetarian plate of stir fried veggies because I had already eaten a little something at home. I was too hungry to wait until 1:00 after econ got out at 10:30.

Anyway I really enjoyed talking to Allie. She's very sweet, a great listener, and asks more questions than a lot of people I've met. Like she seems genuinely interested in what I had to say. I found it hard to not go on and on about my struggles with Central and feeling isolated here. I didn't want her to think I was socially inept or something and that's why I'm in this predicament.

She seemed to understand. In fact, she has been through some similar stuff-- wanting to get out and try things  but hasn't had anyone to do it with. We talked about clubs, a few of which I got the information for this morning. We're considering joining a Christian group together. It's funny, I'd initially mentioned it jokingly and then she's like, "Would you ever want to go to one of those? I didn't want to go alone." I was like, "Oh yea definitely  let's go sometime." Ha ha ha.

I would really like to go to a bible study group before I would make a transition to go to church. Never in my life have I actually studied the bible so I need help to figure out where to start and it's much less intimidating to have someone my age show me than a much older person.

I haven't smoked in two days. I haven't wanted too, at all. I'm proud of myself for this reason. Initially I wasn't even trying to stop but now that I've come to the realization that smoking was half of my problem when it comes to this anxiety I don't want it. I did go through a little anxiety today in my economics class but nothing significant.

One day at a time. I just have to keep telling myself that this anxiety will be something I will fight to overcome  every day. I refuse to give up. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through, harder than years of depression even. I feel like having a friend here will help things.

Okay I've got my first economics test tomorrow and have some material to go over.


peace. 

My plans to make changes.

I realize in order to change my near constant anxiety and depression with this place I have to begin filling my time. I have too much time on my hands that I've allowed myself to spend alone, which I'm pretty sure is the main reason I've been having such difficulties. I have to start making an effort to make changes to get away from this isolation. I've always been afraid to dedicate myself to anything here because I take my grades and the guitar so seriously that I always allow myself to have a good amount of time each day to do them. Today though, and over the past couple days, I've felt so miserable that I've been barely able to enjoy practicing the guitar at all. I need to create a better balance in my life to achieve a better experience here. It's not too late.

I went on Safari tonight to try and find a couple things going on around campus in the next couple weeks. I found that every Thursday on the SURC patio they give out hot chocolate and flyers that list events happening in the following weeks-- good, that's a start, I can begin putting things on my calendar. On the 22nd (the day after Martin Luther King day) there's going to be a few guest speakers coming and doing an hour long seminar. I guess I'll go to that too, why the Hell not.

As for clubs, I took a closer look at the list. I've decided I do not want to do Karate club because it's not a class-- more than likely everyone that's in it has experience in karate. Maybe in the spring I will join the tennis club.

So tomorrow I'm going to go back to that office after class to get the information for the following:
- The A.U.A.P. friends club (basically an international club)
- The Society of Human Resource Management (SHRM)
- The tennis club

As well as get information on student employment. I talked to my mom and she thinks that would be really good for me however the idea of trying to plan my studies and guitar around that scares me. BUT. I'm willing to give it a try. I have too. I need to have a plan to achieve a better amount of peace here.

*Maybe*, just maybe, that would be for the best. Not only would I feel better about taking lessons because I could earn a little money and pay for it but it can also help me feel a better sense of purpose to work. I don't know, one step at a time. At least I have a plan for tomorrow. Tomorrow will be an excellent day for this too because I don't have my finite math class for some reason. All I have is econ., which I did go to tutoring for today and got a private session who did help significantly.

This evening after coming back from my economics tutor I passed the multipurpose building and saw a ton of people funneling in there. My conscious told me, "You should go check it out." I did, and turns out it was practice for traditional Japanese dance. They'd been practicing for a month so obviously I'm not just going to hop in but I did meet a couple people briefly and one girl told me this was through the A.U.A.P Friend's Club. Now that I've been in there and checked it out I've decided to look into that club as well. It's basically a club where you can meet international students and stuff. So even if I made an awkward dork of myself to just show up to their practice I'd like to see what they're all about.

One Japanese guy came up and was like, "You should join!!" I'm like... err, I don't know, I haven't ever practiced this. So yeah for the most part they seemed pretty friendly.

And! I just texted Allie and we're going to have lunch tomorrow.

I prayed to God to please give me the answers of how I'm going to make friends and I now feel driven to give this school another chance. Jesus gives me strength wherever I go, even in these hard times where I feel so lost and alone. Lol though I have to give my parents some credit on suggesting to try to get a part time job on campus. One step at a time.

peace.

I want to like it here.

Lovely tracks keep playing in my head the past few days:

-I hate this school. 

-I should have done more research before coming here.

-I'm so alone. 

-I'm so lonely. 

-I have no friends here. 

-I'm so afraid of having a panic attack in this class....

-What am I going to do?

The more I think it the more it feels like a truth to me. I've always had problems with this growing up, feeling as though everything is worse than it probably is. Though I feel like Lorazapam is the only thing getting me by at this point. I just can't take the quiet. It gives me too much time to think and because I have a tendency to have depression the more I think the worse it gets. 

So this week my goal is to find a club. Finding something to do that will both get me out of this damn apartment and meet people will help a lot. At the beginning of the year I wanted to join a club but gave up when I couldn't get the proper contact information because every time I'd try to go to the office it'd be closed. Today I was lucky enough to actually get in the office and they printed me out a list of clubs. There's 100 clubs here, MOST of which are major specific (though they don't have mine) which eliminated a little over half the list. Then there's hobby clubs, like gaming, trading cards, clay,... mostly stuff I'm not interested in at all either. I think on that list of 100 I circled "International Club" and got the contact information for that adviser. 

That just leaves the sports clubs-- I circled tennis, ultimate frisbee and karate. That made me really excited because I've always wanted to try karate. Of course the office didn't have any of the contact information for the sports clubs.... That's so f*ing typical of Central, you have to get redirected to 10 different people before you can get a solid answer on anything. The lady that would have had that information wasn't in the office. Initially the girl told me she'd get back to me today, but as I was packing up my stuff she said "If you don't hear from her in 3 days come back and see me."  

So I'm really crossing my fingers that she does email that information to me so I can get the ball rolling on this. I'm a little nervous about it because I've never done karate in my life. I'm having a feeling a lot of the people in the club are going to have prior experience. Ultimate frisbee sounds like a good idea too; Jason had brought it up to me last night. Hell maybe I could join both. 

I just need something. Something to meet people besides class because class obviously isn't the best place for that because we don't just sit around talking among eachother. I originally relied on hoping I'd make friends in class and everything would just fall into place but it didn't. Clearly, I have to make an effort here or I'm going to feel like I'm in prison/house arrest as long as I'm here. 

I got pizza today for lunch, sat alone in the SURC again.... Actually when I got the food and I was looking around at the tables I quickly walked back to grab a paper bag so I could just shove the food in and go home. I stopped myself when I realized it wouldn't fit and looked around again. I found an empty spot at a larger table with a few people on their laptops. I ate very quickly, threw half of it away and left. 

Today I did find another outlet of getting out my apartment, though. There's an economics tutor every day at 5:40 that I can go to for getting some clarity on the material. There's also the finite math tutor. I feel like if I try to go to tutoring every day I can both benefit my grades and not feel as depressed of how much time I spend pent up in my room. 

I don't feel like playing the guitar or studying or anything right now.... I think I'm going to take a nap until 2' or so before I can even try to get anything done. Maybe I'll wake up feeling a little better. 

peace. 

My heart has killed me all weekend....

I'm thankful this weekend is almost over. It's been so hard, I actually bought a bottle of wine at Rite aid today to help take the edge off all these emotions I've been going through.

This is the first day in years that I haven't smoked at all. Smoking was my ultimate escape in the tri-cities before I had this panic problem. Since I've moved to Ellensburg and feel isolated, the feeling marijuana gives me is more creepy, lonely (and oftentimes panicky). For that reason, though I'm not saying I'm completely quitting, I am trying to avoid it for the most part unless I'm in an extremely good mood and think I can handle it. This weekend, I certainly cannot handle it. If I smoked now I'm pretty sure I would just break down and cry again.

Marijuana capitalizes on your emotions. If you're feeling relaxed, it makes you feel sooo relaxed. If you're feeling happy, it can sometimes make you feel more imaginative and excited. But God forbid you should try to calm yourself down if you're feeling anxious or scared, absolutely not. It can make you feel like you're heart is beating so fast you're going to die. It can make you feel like the whole world is crumbling in around you.

For that reason, because of my feelings lately, I've been avoiding it for the most part.. I just don't feel I can handle it in my current situation.

I've only been in Ellensburg for what, 12 days? And I already feel like I want to escape. I didn't feel like this getting here initially but I think the sadness has had a number of factors that have dawned on me this weekend. Feeling sad and having too much time to brew in that emotion can make a person feel as though they're in prison.

I must have cried at least 10 times yesterday, if not more. I felt like I wanted to go out but had nobody to go with. I felt lonely because of the Jack situation; even though we really have nothing to do with eachother in the first place. I guess I liked the fact that I had someone to like, even if it was more or less a fantasy because nothing ever works out between us. It's kind of  a pathetic situation either way. Feeling vulnerable to the emotions associated with him makes me feel embarrassed and shameful, which in turn makes me depressed.

Oh on top of that, I did something very ballsy that led me to feeling even more rejected than before. You know how I added that guy Alan that I'd met the other day on facebook... I thought we had a pretty good conversation and I thought I'd throw out there that it'd be cool to see him again. So I sent him a message saying "Hey, I enjoyed talking to you the other day but I honestly don't spend too much time hanging around campus. Would you maybe want to grab some coffee sometime?" He viewed it and didn't reply. Why do I even bother. 

Allie was texting me last night after she flaked on our plans that day and when I asked what she was doing she told me she was "taking care of drunk people." So she was out and about doing something at least. Last night I sat around the house and watched Matilda. 

I tried getting ahold of Jessie but she was on a date. 

I just feel like I don't have the opportunity to spend time with anyone here. I really am trying to make friends so I can get out more but it just hasn't happened yet. I've been here for four months now, I haven't been to any of the bars here or really been around Ellensburg at all. I've spent almost every day studying hard, practicing, and wishing things would improve.

I just don't understand why it's so difficult for me to relax, accept things as the way they are and be happy with my current circumstances. It feels like throughout my life though things have gotten better from year to year but I always thought being at a university would be a time in my life where I wouldn't be going through this sort of underlying depression and anxiety. It makes me think I chose the wrong school which makes me feel a great amount of regret, yet at the same time would I have been able to handle living as far away from my parents as say in Spokane or Bellingham? Probably not. 

I'm just so lonely. So very, very lonely here. Sometimes I feel like coming to Central was one of the worst decisions I've ever made. Especially when I see pictures of kids at other universities with their new friends going to school events and having great times... I don't want it to be like that though. I see other people enjoying it here and having social lives, why can't I? 

Coming to this school as a Junior and having no real interest in most school activities is the main reason I'm in this position. The guitar is my safety blanket, I have to play every day or I feel disgusted and anxious. My grades are something I take pride in and I have to study a great deal to reach the standards and goals I've set for myself. That being said, a huge amount of my time is spent studying and playing the guitar instead of say, sitting around in the SURC and BS'ing with people... which would be nice occasionally but when I don't know anybody getting lunch or coffee or anything in the SURC usually entails sitting alone, looking around awkwardly, quickly eating whatever slop they served me there and getting out. 

Here I am crying again. I'm going to pray, ask God to help me in these hard times. Today was a little easier than yesterday, and tomorrow will be better than today. I hope.. I really do, this weekend has been so lonely for me and I'm so thankful that I have family and friends back home to help me through these rough times.

peace. 

.. RIP Chris Lopez..

I wish I could say today was a lot better than yesterday but it wasn't. The support from friends and family were what got me through the day.

This evening I called Ashley crying my eyes out because she always has a way of making me feel better. We talked for about an hour and a half about a lot of things-- anxiety, medications, I told her about Jack and what I'd went through last night that has sort of put a strain on my emotions, isolation... She's so wise beyond her years, she knows so much about mental disorders and how to manage them because she had to manage her own anxiety when she was only ten years old. We also talked a lot about her life and I learned some things I hadn't known before, including the hardship she went through with bullying both at school and at home when she was growing up. We also talked about school; she's going to school at UW right now and has one of her best friends there so she doesn't have the burden that I'm currently facing of not really having anyone close to me here.

But because I have people that I can call and talk to it helps a lot.

Today I was originally had plans to hang out with this girl Allie that I'd met at orientation. We were going to hang out at 4:30 today but at about 4' she sent me a text saying she wasn't feeling well. Here I am with makeup on, hair done, ready to maybe go out and do something... Nope. No plans. Weekends are the hardest part for me at CWU because on weekdays when I'm busy with classes I at least have a ton of stuff to get done every day that makes me not really need to go out and do anything. That and I see people in classes which makes the day more interesting.

On the weekends it's like... stuck here in my apartment, usually practicing guitar, watching netflix, whatever. I get tired of it. I really wanted to go out tonight and I felt so lonely. The loneliness and isolated feeling often times triggers panic so I've had a difficult panic day, too.

I talk to my mom about my struggles here and tend to go back and forth on it. Sometimes I'll call and everything will be great (usually when I'm getting good grades, starting to feel like I'm meeting friends, etc...) and other times I will call crying because I miss certain aspects of my old life and wish things were different here.

My New years resolution is to be more optimistic about Central, as well as improve my relationship with God to reduce my anxiety and feel more at peace with my life. Thus far the prayer has certainly improved my quality of life, it's extremely meditative to pray. When I feel pain I sometimes close my eyes and envision Jesus with his hand on my shoulder telling me that everything is going to be alright. It might sound weird to some but I have to do whatever it takes to overcome the anxiety.

I also came across some very tragic news today.

Chris Lopez was in my Japanese class during first year. I'm using this picture because this is how I remember him, he dressed kind of an emo/scene kind of look. Because of this I remember being a little afraid to talk to him because usually people that dress that way only really associate with other "scene" types. When I did talk to him I was pleasantly surprised to realize he's quite nice once you get passed the initial shyness. I always thought he was very cute, though I never really got to know him. 

I got the devastating news on facebook today that he took his own life. I was shocked... of course most people are in these situations. He was always so well put together, and based on what I'd seen on his facebook had friends, and seemed to have just recently been working at Starbucks and enjoying his job. People always try to put together the pieces as to "why" but as we all know what you see on the outside isn't always the greatest indicator of the feelings they're having inside. 

In his most recent posts (December 27, "Think I'll get my campsafe and haertagram tattoo tomorrow after work.) he was talking about getting tattoos. He recently had gotten a Japanese tattoo down his back as well. The last thing he posted was, "So keep in happiness and torture me..."(lyrics from Pierce the Viel) on December 29th. Those were his last words to the world. 

I know he's in God's hands now. He is at peace.

~~~

I am going to have a very long prayer tonight... 

peace. 

This is karma. It is not my turn.

I'm having a difficult night.

I guess you could say I felt lonely all day. I got done with two tests, both of which I'm sure I aced and was feeling pretty excited about that but I wasn't really thrilled about having the rest of the day with no plans of doing anything. I felt a sort of sad sense of longing. I hate that feeling.

I talked on the phone with Katelynn for two hours. She's having kind of a rough patch right now because she has not been able to find a job, doesn't have internet access, and is feeling like she needs to get out. I know the feeling. I feel like I need to get out more too, but usually I'm too tired from all the study I do.. that and I don't know where to go or who to go with half the time. I just sort of go where I feel there's a purpose to be accomplished... I go out when I need something.

Tonight I felt like I needed something that I can't have.

I texted Jack, who had texted me around the 1st saying he wanted to start spending time together. Having been with Brendan at the time I said no, but after that didn't work out... yeah. I had tried texting him the other day and his responses were extremely slow. Figured I'd try one more time today, I just said "Hey, what's up?" and he didn't reply. Two hours later, I'm like, okay, seriously what the Hell, you initiated my attention a little over a week ago, now you're blowing me off. He tells me he's now seeing someone else.

This is karma. Right here. This is fate. Right now I am feeling loneliness and pain. Perhaps I caused Brendan the same feelings when I broke things off to deal with my feelings for Jack and now this.

God is fair. Everything happens for a reason. Me and Jack aren't meant to be together, but for some reason my feelings for him have withstood for years, and years.. because I've yet to find anyone that I'm more attracted too. And it doesn't help that every few months he texts me out of the blue like we're going to start spending time together and it goes nowhere. Or this happens, he finds another girl he's interested in directly after talking to me. This has been going on for years. I'm so tired of it, it hasn't been my choice to feel this way but it's something I've had to deal with because of it.

The fact that he's with someone else will make it a lot easier to put thoughts of him away for good, now. I hope he's happy. Really, I've just got to move on. It's just hard. Yang Haiying said in one of my favorite videos about love and confidence that if it doesn't work out to move on, because that is karma, and to accept it.

For this reason I've accepted everything that's happened to this point in my life as being perfect in getting me where I am today. God has someone wonderful in store for me, I just have to accept that it is not my turn. Maybe I have more work to do to deserve that person. Jack is not that person. I cannot change how he feels. There is nothing I can do but pray for peace in my life, do the best I can to be a good person, and feel content with each day as it is.

peace.

And I won't be feeling hollow for so long.

Classes today were fine, I did get to sleep in an extra hour this morning because I remembered that English class is only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. I didn't remember this on Tuesday and had that lovely realization showing up to an empty classroom.

I was almost late to economics. I'm usually one of the last ones to show up in that class for some reason but I'm always on time. We continue to learn about demand curves and how price and other factors can effect it. Raise in price doesn't SHIFT the demand curve... only other factors do-- like.. uh... Customer preferences, I think growing population of people buying it.. something like that. I don't know why I'm sharing this with you guys. That's something that's really important for me to remember for the next quiz on Tuesday. Carbaugh's an awesome teacher, I really want to do well in that class so I'm going to study hard for that quiz this weekend.

This is Jessie, the girl I sit next to in two of my classes. I like her, she's really sweet, pretty and cool. I'm looking forward to getting to know her more this quarter. I'm also planning on texting Eli tomorrow and hopefully get a chance to hang out with her this weekend. Actually it would be cool to hang out with Jessie at some point this weekend too but because we see eachother for two hours a day in class, 5 days a week I almost feel like bugging her on the weekends would be too much, ha ha ha.

Anyway after finite we went to have lunch in the SURC. I haven't eaten there in forever. I got a quesadilla, like I always do. It's $6. It's huge. I can never finish it unless I'm absolutely starving and stressed out. A couple of her friends came up, a guy and a girl that look a little younger than me. I do not remember the names of either but they both had big personalities. The girl was wearing bright lipstick, very accessorized, kind of loud but still fun. The guy looked about half Asian and was also very loud, so they sort of yelled over eachother. Jessie's not this way but she's still good at talking/listening. I think loud people tend to find quieter friends. Maybe I am a loud person... I don't feel as loud at school as I do at home.

Another guy walked up to the table a little later. He's really tall, strikingly attractive (to me anyway, I don't know), and Jessie had told me he was a music major before he sat down. She also told me he's 25. I began to chat with him. Jessie and her two friends were having their own conversation that I couldn't really get into because I didn't know anyone they were talking about. They seemed to know a lot of people that walked by, though. 

Alan and I talked about well, music, obviously. He sings. He knows a wide variety of music-- he knew every single band I mentioned, even knew who John Petrucci was. I did make sure to stop myself from blah-blah-blah-blah'ing as I tend to do when I get into talking about the extent of my guitar obsession. I tried to ask him more questions and listen. 

It took me awhile to realize he had an accent, maybe because the SURC is loud. He comes from Scotland and he's doing his masters degree at Central. I originally asked if he was Canadian. D'oh!

Anyway, that made my day a little more interesting. Aside from that I studied Finite math for two hours, practiced guitar for about 90 minutes, and had a good lesson with Jake. He sent me some handouts last week that I completely disregarded and I'm going to make sure to look into those this week. One of which is a packet that states "How to improve guitar technique" and he wrote it himself. 

Jacob puts an incredible amount of work into what he does. I'm so, so incredibly lucky to have such a good teacher and mentor in my life. 

peace. 

Here's a song I've absolutely loved lately.

I discovered Nevermore recently. Such crisp guitar in this band. Some of the lyrics are a little meh but the singing itself is superb. Always nice to find a new band. 

Do not be anxious about anything...

Hey, how's it going?

I'm pretty satisfied with my overall performance this week with juggling school and the guitar. Yesterday evening I went to the finite math tutoring center in Bouillon which I consider somewhat of an achievement to have such initiative. He tutors finite 4 days a week for an hour, I am most definitely going to  take full advantage of that. I've decided that I want to get GOOD grades this quarter, better than last quarter where I got straight B's. I'd like to get at least one A this quarter.. that is my initial goal because until I see what the tests are going to look like I can't set my standards TOO high or I set myself up for failure.

B's aren't a bad grade. I don't feel unaccomplished with last quarter's marks but sitting at a 3.1 GPA currently I certainly don't have much wiggle room to fall into a C average, blugh. So that being said, obviously I'd like to pull a 3.2 and above on all of my classes this quarter which means really keeping up with things... especially the reading for my English class, which is the hardest part for me. I'm so glad I didn't major in English, the continual re-examining or sources is so annoying to me. I mean I understand why it's important to make sure you have a reputable source and current data for studies and such but... citing these sources, making sure you're not accidentally plagerizing... is so very, very annoying.

I'm really just not a fan of academic writing-- yet another reason I'm extremely content in the business major. Some of this dry stuff gets confusing at times but I haven't had to write one paper since I got here. That's about to change, I've got my first writing assignment in English 102 due on Friday.

I almost had a panic attack in economics today. Luckily I've made a habit of taking a Lorazapam before that class to make sure I'm at least somewhat relaxed through that and my finite math class. I feel like if I didn't have lorazapam I would be having a much more difficult time with panic this quarter but it really has helped me stable out... worlds away from the fear I was dealing with practically 24-7 around Thanksgiving.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

Philippians 4:6

Last night was my second night of making a conscious effort to pray before sleeping. Prayer is something I haven't done nor taken seriously throughout my life. I guess this is why I feel such a powerful amount of emotions behind it. I find it very comforting yet there's still an annoying voice inside my head that will pop in either before, during or after prayer that says "You're talking to nobody. What is the point of this. You're stupid to believe this, etc..." I feel this alone is an obstacle in finding my faith again. From my heart I want to believe. From my mind it's very hard for me to believe that anyone's truly listening. I plan to put the negative thoughts behind me and keep trying.

Every night I just pray for the anxiety problem to continue to improve. I ask for strength to get through my classes without feeling like I can't breath. I also ask for safety.. I'm so clumsy and careless sometimes about how I do things. Like I'm so focused on WHAT I need to get done at any given time that I sometimes don't use as much caution as I should. I have so many close calls where I almost fall on ice or fall down stairs or even knocking hot pans with oil off the stove. I think back to my head injury and realize how being a little careless can cause major impacts... I'm just trying to live more cautiously, which isn't a characteristic that comes naturally to me. 

Today I've got quite a bit of work to do. It's almost 2.. I've got to do some economics review, guitar for 90 minutes, read a section of my finite book then go to the tutoring room again at 5:30. I'm doing well in that class but with the free resource there I feel like I'm half-assing myself by not taking advantage.

peace. 

Drive straight on. Don't stare at me, I'm on duty.

Rawr. Some of my Chinese neighbors made a snowlion on January 3rd. Clearly this has been snowed over a few times since then and doesn't look as perfect as it did before but I had to get a picture of it. 

Hello. 

Today was good, started bright and early and managed to get everything that I needed done out of the way even if my Dad came to visit around 5. We went to Ellensburg Pasta Co. and Safeway. We had some pretty funny conversations, he was in a good mood for the most part even if it's impossible to get through an evening with him without him blowing up about the cost of school and needing a part time job.

I could not handle a part time job in my present circumstances, with the anxiety that comes from going to school alone and waking up every day with what always seems like a mountain of stuff to do adding a part time job would be impossible. I am happy to say I have not had a panic attack all day today but it's the first day in awhile. 

My Dad bought me some retro stickers that I hung around my corkboard. My wall is really looking great, it feels so homey in here now that I've got all my stuff scattered and hung around. I'm halfway through my time living here. Next year I plan to live in Anderson. We'll cross that bridge when it comes...

One of my favorite Youtube users, YangHaiying said the following in one of her videos that I've listened to for relaxation when I'm feeling tense:

"It does not help to worry." 

I know that sounds like a very simple phrase but if you really think about it, it's so true. Worrying doesn't help anything. I said this to myself out loud today when I had a sudden onset panic feeling when I knew my Dad was coming in an hour and I hadn't finished reading for my English 102 class. By saying this phrase out loud and calming down, I was able to calm down enough to finish reading before my Dad showed up.

Oh my gosh.... I just went on my Youtube to look for another video and stumbled upon this. StimmeKoreas had posted a response to it saying this wasn't the first video game North Korea has ever created (apparently there's also a weird boxing one that displays hatred for the South Korean president...). Regardless, this is hilarious. It's actually created by a Chinese company for more people to get to know North Korea but the graphics and sound are awful so turn down your volume.

peace. 

Peace in being alone.

Goodevening to anyone who's reading. It's Sunday.

I've had a pretty slow day. Just watched documentaries, played about an hour of guitar, then spent a few hours messing around on the Sims. It's so time consuming to get anything done on there. I try to keep my "simming" to a minimum because there's much more productive things I could be doing.

I did my laundry today. I wanted fresh towels and all of my clothes for the upcoming week. It's going to be my first week of classes Winter quarter so I've been trying to keep my stress levels at a minimum. In order to do so I had to cut things off with Brendan, which was difficult for me but over time I've come to realize we're on different playing fields in some ways.

Brendan's really mature and stable in his life. He's an extremely giving person and only wanted the best for me. He took me out on dates, we talked a lot.. everything was fine. He's just looking for something more serious than what I can even think of providing for anyone in the next couple years. That is, unless I'm completely 100% sure on someone. That hasn't come yet. I would rather not waste anyone's time in such a crucial part of our lives.

I still have feelings for someone that will unfortunately never cease until I find someone who I like *more* than said person. I've just sort of grown to accept that, I can't help it. This person frustrates the f*** out of me. That's all I'm going to say.

I really enjoy the unpredictability of being in school again. It's my new years resolution to stop being so pessimistic about living here. It's also to start incorporating prayer and meditation into my daily life to calm some of this anxiety that I deal with. I've got to learn to deal with my anxiety on my own. It's so easy to want to cling to someone when you feel alone and scared.

I feel like a good amount of my first quarter here was spent feeling very alone-- things are going to get a lot better though.

Here's a blast from the past. Ha ha, I remember loving the English Shin chan cartoons when I was like sixteen. 

I wonder if I will ever go to Japan. I've been a lot more focused on Korea lately. I would like to someday see both Koreas, Japan, and China. Traveling is pretty important to me even if I've never been outside this side of the United States. I suppose that's one of my incentives for going to college, to be able to afford to travel someday. 

It's 6:00. I am going to try and work on finite math for the next hour or so and try to better understand it.

peace. 

Unexpectedly found this interesting

Hello!

I'm feeling very good today. Why? Because I found something else I enjoy. I can honestly say I am going to really enjoy my economics class this quarter. I just read the second chapter that talked about the major differences between the command and market systems. The command system is otherwise known as socialism or communism-- just like North Korea and the increasingly Capitalist China. America's market system explains why self interest and competition is what drives the advancement of society as a whole. Our market freedom enables us to grow and change in a land of unlimited wants and limited resources.

In North Korea, the government mandates what will be produced, how the resources will be acquired, what consumers will have access to these products, and who will distribute the products. Imagine if the United States government tried to regulate the millions of products in the market system today-- it would be impossible. These are jobs that are best suited for the individual. 

Communism tries to rely on the government for every decision. Personal freedom to advance and create is stripped from the individual in order to better conform to the group. Freedom to be an individual in the United states is something we truly take for granted. Thank God for the brave soldiers in World War II that literally saved the world from the spread of communism-- which has now proved to be an outright failure.


I don't mean to get too excited about this class this early on (as I've only had the class two days now) because opinions are often subject to change after the first test. However I will say I have a great feeling about it. The professor is really awesome too. His name is Dr. Carbaugh, he's probably about in his mid to late 60's. He's extremely attentive to students and flexible to their needs. I can tell he truly cares about his students and wants us to do well.

My economics class is in the same room as my accounting class last quarter, though I don't feel the same kind of stress that I felt entering Holtfreter's class. Holtfreter cared about his students, too, but he wasn't entirely straightforward on certain things that kept us on our toes 24-7. Carbaugh told us there will be absolutely no "pop quizzes" or anything unexpected. That alone makes me happy. I still plan to read ahead though because I actually enjoyed the first two chapters of the textbook.

Oh!! Talking about this class reminds me... I met someone! Her name is Julie I believe, I suck at names. Maybe she just looks like a Julie... She does kind of remind me of Julie P. in some ways. She has dark hair, pretty cute face, and she mainly wears thick rimmed glasses. She's very "nerd chic" I guess you could say. I might get a different impression as I get to know her better.

Anyway, we now sit next to eachother in two of our classes and she gave me a tour around Kamola hall! She's like "OH YEA it's haunted!" which cracked me up. You guys might remember an earlier entry where I talked about how Kamola Hall is supposedly haunted because a girl committed suicide back in the 1940's. Well she confirmed it, stating that her roommate flipped out when half a bagel she was eating mysteriously flew across the floor.

I've also recently got in touch with Eli, the girl I was originally considering living with at the beginning of the year. I had met her at orientation but we lost touch after she said she had another roommate that she had prior plans with. It was fine all and all because I found my roommate easily. Living with Kristin has been great because I've felt like I've lived completely on my own for the past 4 months. Oh my gosh, this is crazy, Kristin has a friend over. This is the first time this has ever happened. They sound exactly the same, lol I'm tempted to walk out just to see what her friends look like but I look super icky today. I've been smoking, my hair's a wreck, no makeup... And I don't want to bug her at all, lol. She never bugs me.

Ha ha, just another funny blurb before I go. I keep on waking up at 5:00 in the morning thinking Miranda is going to be in my room meowing at me to flush the toilet. I suddenly realize I'm back at school and go back to sleep.

peace. 

Strange sense of relaxation.

Today's been so relaxed. Probably the most I've been in months. I'm thrilled to be back in my room here at Central to be honest with you guys. Brendan told me this evening I seemed more relaxed. He got home tonight and came over at like 8'. I made us delicious yakisoba.

I know, this is a professional photo and mine probably wasn't nearly as pretty but I suppose mine looked comparable to this. I used this really tender steak I bought at the store today, thinly sliced carrots, fresh bean sprouts, 1/4 cup onions, and those delicious "Asian blend" vegetables from Fred meyer. I need to get more of that, I'm all out. I like to put it on rice too. 

Anyway, Brendan brought over some salad that went super well with the dish. I'd also cooked some so-called oven baked "orange chicken" but the sauce tasted outright bizarre. It was okay though, the chicken was crispy at least. That felt like a nice way to start out this quarter. 

Tomorrow is my first day of classes. I don't have English so I at least won't have to be at my first class at 8'. My first class is economics at 9, which is going to mean walking all the way to Shaw. Good thing I just remembered to plug in my Zune, I would not want to walk that far without music and my spotify isn't working on my phone because apparently the micro SD card is broken. I need to replace it quickly, I'm wondering if I can purchase one at Fred Meyer or will I need to go to a Sprint store..

But yeah, I'm quite happy to be back and have this much privacy again. It's like I'm back in Emily world instead of the world that's wrapped around my family and friends when I'm at home. Not saying I don't like being at home, I'm sure you know what I mean.

So I accomplished my goal of posting a new guitar video on New Years! I know this classical so it probably won't get many views but I don't care. This song was a whole new challenge for me and I'm stoked having perfected it to upload quality. Next I would like to do Wherever I May Roam but I have not practiced it much  with the recording. That will be my new focus this upcoming week. I seem to start many songs but have a hard time finishing them. 

I just keep reminding myself that I'm still technically in my first year. I like to think of my mentality in my first couple years of playing the trumpet-- it's very similar to how I feel now in certain ways, like my overall ability to play comfortably. By my fourth year of playing the trumpet I felt so comfortable and I would like to achieve that on the guitar but it'll all just come with time and hard work.

peace.