I want to like it here.

Lovely tracks keep playing in my head the past few days:

-I hate this school. 

-I should have done more research before coming here.

-I'm so alone. 

-I'm so lonely. 

-I have no friends here. 

-I'm so afraid of having a panic attack in this class....

-What am I going to do?

The more I think it the more it feels like a truth to me. I've always had problems with this growing up, feeling as though everything is worse than it probably is. Though I feel like Lorazapam is the only thing getting me by at this point. I just can't take the quiet. It gives me too much time to think and because I have a tendency to have depression the more I think the worse it gets. 

So this week my goal is to find a club. Finding something to do that will both get me out of this damn apartment and meet people will help a lot. At the beginning of the year I wanted to join a club but gave up when I couldn't get the proper contact information because every time I'd try to go to the office it'd be closed. Today I was lucky enough to actually get in the office and they printed me out a list of clubs. There's 100 clubs here, MOST of which are major specific (though they don't have mine) which eliminated a little over half the list. Then there's hobby clubs, like gaming, trading cards, clay,... mostly stuff I'm not interested in at all either. I think on that list of 100 I circled "International Club" and got the contact information for that adviser. 

That just leaves the sports clubs-- I circled tennis, ultimate frisbee and karate. That made me really excited because I've always wanted to try karate. Of course the office didn't have any of the contact information for the sports clubs.... That's so f*ing typical of Central, you have to get redirected to 10 different people before you can get a solid answer on anything. The lady that would have had that information wasn't in the office. Initially the girl told me she'd get back to me today, but as I was packing up my stuff she said "If you don't hear from her in 3 days come back and see me."  

So I'm really crossing my fingers that she does email that information to me so I can get the ball rolling on this. I'm a little nervous about it because I've never done karate in my life. I'm having a feeling a lot of the people in the club are going to have prior experience. Ultimate frisbee sounds like a good idea too; Jason had brought it up to me last night. Hell maybe I could join both. 

I just need something. Something to meet people besides class because class obviously isn't the best place for that because we don't just sit around talking among eachother. I originally relied on hoping I'd make friends in class and everything would just fall into place but it didn't. Clearly, I have to make an effort here or I'm going to feel like I'm in prison/house arrest as long as I'm here. 

I got pizza today for lunch, sat alone in the SURC again.... Actually when I got the food and I was looking around at the tables I quickly walked back to grab a paper bag so I could just shove the food in and go home. I stopped myself when I realized it wouldn't fit and looked around again. I found an empty spot at a larger table with a few people on their laptops. I ate very quickly, threw half of it away and left. 

Today I did find another outlet of getting out my apartment, though. There's an economics tutor every day at 5:40 that I can go to for getting some clarity on the material. There's also the finite math tutor. I feel like if I try to go to tutoring every day I can both benefit my grades and not feel as depressed of how much time I spend pent up in my room. 

I don't feel like playing the guitar or studying or anything right now.... I think I'm going to take a nap until 2' or so before I can even try to get anything done. Maybe I'll wake up feeling a little better. 

peace.