Creating moderation for *myself* for once...

Cutting back on something that you think keeps you happy (and motivated to do things) can be a difficult process; a process that I started yesterday in order to get a better handle on my life.

I feel like my weed consumption hit a plateau recently... I mean the combination of not working, feeling stressed about my accounting class, arguments with my family, etc.. sort of drove me to looking for ways to escape depression but I'm almost certain now it was making it worse. I felt like my thought clarity wasn't as good as it could be which gave me this insatiable feeling that I could be doing so much better and probably feel more successful if I'd just cut this crap out.

I did get in a big argument with my parents the other day that made me feel extremely sad and worthless-- feelings that I continually bring about myself, again probably subconsciously dealing with the fact that I'm addicted to something and feel unable to stop it regardless of consequences that could potentially ensue if I continued this road.

I've just gotten lazy... My car and room is almost always a mess because I'm so focused on trying to accomplish large projects that I will allow myself to spend hours and hours doing because it's comfortable. Sitting around playing guitar and doing art is what I do for fun. I smoke marijuana and it enhances my creativity and focus on my artwork and guitar playing-- to some extent.. The last year I'm sure it's actually zapped a lot of my inspiration to play in the first place because I've been doing it too much.

Back in 2012, I remember practicing guitar for 3 hours a day, still managed to get good grades and had a job at Rite Aid. I remember smoking maybe 4-5 bowls a day and it seemed to be the perfect equilibrium of using it to my advantage but still having the clarity to do well in school and at work.

That is the level of smoking that I'm at right now and plan to stay which is a huge improvement from where I was before. I tried essentially quit cold turkey yesterday (going from my regular smoking once about every hour regularly to only smoking twice in one day) and was a complete bitch to everyone and I was fucking miserable, not gonna lie.

BUT ALAS...

When I was studying my accounting book yesterday I noticed a huge difference in clarity. Today I was able to finish my homework in three hours instead of the regular alllllll day ordeal. When I'm sober it's easier to remember basic mathematics formulas used in accounting...

This quarter is coming down to the wire. My final is around the 30th, there's only 3 more chapters in my book and I've still got time to really study and knip this shit in the butt and pull a solid B in that class. It's just a matter of doing the hard work and keeping in the right state of mind. And that goes for the rest of my time in college.

I mean I've only got two quarters left and I'm coming to serious crossroads and decisions in my life. Do I really want to remember my entire college experience at Central as being stoned? Because honestly I feel like the combination of stress/anxiety that came with my classes and having the freedom to do whatever I want allowed me to bury my head in the sand and let it become a more and more frequent habit where whatever I wanted to do in my mind it'd be better if I was stoned..... when ironically I'm sure it what was causing a lot of the anxiety and depression in the first place.


Yeah that's really all I've got to say. I know it might come to a surprise that I would talk so openly about this problem but what better time than when I'm no longer in denial of it and am willing to make the changes?

peace.

Hot saunas, booze and panties

Hello,

It's 11:35 pm. I slept practically all day after not being able to sleep and getting up sick multiple times last night and I know if I don't get to bed again soon my sleeping schedule is going to be really messed up. I know my bad sleeping habits are normally caused by drinking. When Travis and I party together I can rarely get a decent night sleep so I don't think I slept much while I was over at Wildhorse those few nights. Still, what a great time that was.

I didn't take that many pictures while we were there. 

In my experience taking pictures in casinos is quite discouraged so I only snagged a few in the hotel. My packing for the trip was really crummy-- We stayed three nights and I only packed two pairs of underwear!!(not counting my bikini bottoms)...So I literally had to wash my panties in the sink and hotel soap and hung them to dry so I'd have something to wear each day. I also honestly didn't pack enough clothes-- one of the pairs of jeans I brought was too tight on my ass with all the squats I've been doing. That or I've gained weight. I think my body looks pretty good right now but I'm definitely more comfortable in a size 11 than 8. 

Wildhorse was SO fun! I didn't gamble at all but I brought stuff to keep me busy like my art supplies, DS, etc.. Travis spent a lot of time playing poker and won a lot more money than we came with, which was expected because he's a great player and tends to have a horseshoe lodged in his ass on most occasions. Unlike me. I seriously don't bother gambling because I Lose. Every. Time. 

Not even exaggerating. Whether it's scratcher cards, slots, pull-tabs, a drawing for prizes, whatever... I am the unluckiest person I know. That's why when I was there I spent all of my time on things I could control like selling my artwork and using the crap out of all of the hotel's awesome facilities. I used the gym room every time I was there which felt fabulous. I have missed the cwu gym from day 1 moving home. I also enjoyed the pool and tried to enjoy the sauna.

Saunas are f*cking scary!! 

I remember one night I was at the hot tub and it was starting to get a little crowded... five or six adults in a tub feels a little awkward. I decided then I'd cool off in the pool then try the sauna. I'd made the mistake of opening my big mouth and saying, "Can you watch my stuff while I go get a glass of water for the sauna?" 

By the time I got back half the people in the hot tub were now in the sauna using it at full blast heat of 190 degrees -- yeah Hell no I wanted to try it at like 160. So I hung around in the pool for like an hour. One couple that was in there left and right after a huge hairy man went in and sprawled out out on the seats. After waiting and waiting for him I said screw it and stepped in myself. He hadn't lowered the temperature but he looked so relaxed in there I figured it couldn't be that bad. 

OHH my God I was wrong, hot hot hot... Water from the pool immediately started dripping off of me and I felt like I was in a boiler room in a concentration camp. I held onto the wooden door tightly trying to figure out what was relaxing about this. The guy laying on the seat said "Hey if I'm botherin' ya I'll move" and I'm like "No, you're not bothering me at all..." Of course I LOOK clearly bothered, my legs are like shaking out of anxiety. "I just don't know how anyone can sit in here and not feel like they're dying...." And I left.

Travis and I had really good food and drinks at the Wildhorse and he paid for practically everything so I was floored by his generosity. Dating Travis has made it practically unnoticeable the past few weeks that I've been unemployed (being broke usually has a way of making me depressed on top of whatever else...) because treats me so awesome. 

We decided to "Facebook officiate" our relationship even if I've been calling him my boyfriend to people for the past two weeks now. I'm just going to try to make him happy all I can when we're together. Nobody knows what the future holds and being with someone always gives me this underlying fear of it abruptly ending in hurt and pain because that's how it's always been. Even with guys that I trusted like Joel who completely abandoned contact with me my last week in Ellensburg when I only wanted to see him and broke my heart. 

The thought of the transition back to Ellensburg is seriously bringing tears to my eyes because I feel like my life just pushes me with the current and the second I get comfortable something pulls me away and I dive into a sea of stress again. 

I don't know. This is not where I wanted this blog entry to go. I just need to be thankful for what I have today and not take any day for granted like I did today. I am so comfortable and happy with the way my life as is right now there's no reason that I should want to mood alter with alcohol because it just makes things worse. 

peace. 

So happy to have had fun tonight

Today started out rough but ended really good for a number of reasons. 

After getting the news about Gerardo and feeling like I wasn't going to have anything to do this weekend, I decided to go home. Shortly after I'd told Katelynn I was going back Allie had texted me saying she was going to a shooting range and wanted to invite me along. Kind of torn I decided it'd be the best idea to try to have some fun in Ellensburg for once and just come home next weekend...

So I woke up this morning thinking Allie and I were going to go shooting. She texted me saying her and her friend rode up there and discovered "the shooting range is full, sorry!" I didn't even respond, I was so frustrated. This was at about 12:00 PM, I probably wouldn't have left much earlier had I not made other plans but by that time I was definitely ready to go. Escape from this silent apartment. I shoved a bunch of junk in an overnight bag and left. Even if it's just for a night and tomorrow being home for the weekend will get me through.

I just can't handle sitting alone in that apartment all weekend, which is what I know I'd be doing if I was there. Allie's hanging out with a bunch of girls that we'd met at that party last night. I wouldn't have even gotten an invite, I haven't heard from her all day. 

On the bright side, though, I got home safe and Katelynn and I hung out all evening. We went to Winco and I did a little grocery shopping. Some of the selection here I can't get in Ellensburg without spending a fortune at Fred meyer. I spent about 60 bucks on that, then got Katelynn and I some jumbo slices of pizza before we left. 

When we got back we smoked a little and danced in my sister's room (shh) to Nicki Minaj on her jumbo TV with the Wii. Then we went out in the kitchen and took those pictures above, just screwing around and laughing, watching king of the hill... I had such a great time tonight.

AND! Really good news, I got ahold of Jacob about rescheduling our lesson time and he said he might be able to figure something out for Mondays. That would be perfect for me and would allow me to go to the SHRM meetings, and there's one in the following week. So between going to group therapy twice this next week, the meeting and probably getting my guitar piece scanned on Monday, this should be a good week.

I just wanted to be comfortable and enjoy myself this weekend. Too often I feel uncomfortable in the silence of that damn apartment.... especially when Kristin's completely gone. Even if Kristin and I don't talk much knowing she's there on the weekdays makes it a little more lively. 

This writing might be a little screwy, I drank a big glass of wine earlier and I'm feeling more relaxed than I have in quite awhile. It just feels nice to be home. I explained to my mom that regardless of the fact that it's 200 miles getting back and forth between here and Ellensburg, it's really the only way I could keep my sanity on the weekends if things don't change. I'm happy I live close enough to have this option. I'm not going to say I can't stand that school because the weekdays are fine for the most part... it just feels like school to me and I have a ton on my plate to do and think about. But on the weekends I just want to get the Hell out of there.

It was snowing when I left, I wonder how it'll be when I come back tomorrow evening.

peace. 

My party! A quick overview.

Now that a day has passed and I feel more relaxed and restored, I can talktalktalktalk about everything that's happened. This blog might be broken up into a few entries, but I'll start with writing about my party.

The party had an incredible turnout. Throughout the night I'm pretty sure I got at least 30 people, and only a few people that RSVP'd as coming flaked out. All the people that I really wanted to come showed up though, including Robert, Tyler and Logan which was amazing considering the crowd that was there. Tyler doesn't like crowds much and has never really followed through with plans that I make, but times have changed I suppose!

Speaking of those guys, I got the incredible news that Chelsea and Robert are engaged. It was so funny when they announced it to us because Tyler, Logan and I already knew but we played it off like we didn't. I admit that Chelsea and I weren't necessarily besties in highschool, and I'm sure I said some things about her that weren't favorable to Robert a long time ago, but my opinions of her have changed a lot. She was totally cool at my party, she's really made Robert happy, they love eachother so much and I'm really excited for their wedding next May.

The party started at 8' PM, which means it was pretty light out when people started showing up. I had picked up Taylor M. because she didn't have a ride, then Katelynn and Alan showed up. There wasn't much setting up to do because my Mom had it covered, and my head was still sort of on backwards like it was at graduation. 

On the left is Tim. Jessika had showed up with him, having told him I was interested in a relationship and he came to hang out with me apparently. Jessika and Tim were being very reclusive. Tim had been excited to hang out with Katelynn and Alan as well, but that was cut short when Jessika decided to leave about 20 minutes after getting here to go smoke weed with Tim. She was angry at me and acting really rude to all of my guests and I had no idea why. I ended up texting her about it and she flipped out on me but that story is for another entry.

A picture of me, Logan and Tyler. Robert was originally in this I thought but he ducked out with Chelsea. He probably felt a little awkward and didn't want Chelsea to feel excluded. Chelsea would of been fine in the picture too, though! 

The ki-be drama kids started coming in around 9:30 pm. They certainly made it a party! They all had such a good energy because they were ready to have a good time. I set up the movie in the yard but everyone pretty much talked, hung out and munched the whole time. I was sort of unprepared for food because I was slightly broke. 

Here's me and Taylor. I unexpectedly jumped on his lap to take a picture. Every person that was there I made sure to make a point to tell them that I was glad they were there and made sure to give them a hug at some point in the night. Reason being, I have no idea when I will see any of these people again in my life. Not saying I don't guarantee I'll see Samantha, Shawn and those guys again.. haha I'm going to Sam's house tomorrow more than likely. But people like those in my Japanese class that I never really had much of a close relationship with outside of class, I really don't know. I'm sure I will go to other meet ups and such if there are some, but if not I hope they all have successful and happy lives. 

The Japanese club kids were the first ones to show up at 8:10-8:30 or so. I was happy they were so timely because I always get so worried about if people will show up or not. They hung out on the benches and chit chat for most of the time, so I was concerned they were bored but there was really nothing to worry about. A couple of them messaged me telling how much of a good time they had.

So yup, everything worked out as it should! Can't say I'm going to be having any more parties anytime soon because it's nearly impossible to have a great time at your own party without stressing out and over planning, but it was still an excellent closure to my time at CBC. 

peace.