.. RIP Chris Lopez..

I wish I could say today was a lot better than yesterday but it wasn't. The support from friends and family were what got me through the day.

This evening I called Ashley crying my eyes out because she always has a way of making me feel better. We talked for about an hour and a half about a lot of things-- anxiety, medications, I told her about Jack and what I'd went through last night that has sort of put a strain on my emotions, isolation... She's so wise beyond her years, she knows so much about mental disorders and how to manage them because she had to manage her own anxiety when she was only ten years old. We also talked a lot about her life and I learned some things I hadn't known before, including the hardship she went through with bullying both at school and at home when she was growing up. We also talked about school; she's going to school at UW right now and has one of her best friends there so she doesn't have the burden that I'm currently facing of not really having anyone close to me here.

But because I have people that I can call and talk to it helps a lot.

Today I was originally had plans to hang out with this girl Allie that I'd met at orientation. We were going to hang out at 4:30 today but at about 4' she sent me a text saying she wasn't feeling well. Here I am with makeup on, hair done, ready to maybe go out and do something... Nope. No plans. Weekends are the hardest part for me at CWU because on weekdays when I'm busy with classes I at least have a ton of stuff to get done every day that makes me not really need to go out and do anything. That and I see people in classes which makes the day more interesting.

On the weekends it's like... stuck here in my apartment, usually practicing guitar, watching netflix, whatever. I get tired of it. I really wanted to go out tonight and I felt so lonely. The loneliness and isolated feeling often times triggers panic so I've had a difficult panic day, too.

I talk to my mom about my struggles here and tend to go back and forth on it. Sometimes I'll call and everything will be great (usually when I'm getting good grades, starting to feel like I'm meeting friends, etc...) and other times I will call crying because I miss certain aspects of my old life and wish things were different here.

My New years resolution is to be more optimistic about Central, as well as improve my relationship with God to reduce my anxiety and feel more at peace with my life. Thus far the prayer has certainly improved my quality of life, it's extremely meditative to pray. When I feel pain I sometimes close my eyes and envision Jesus with his hand on my shoulder telling me that everything is going to be alright. It might sound weird to some but I have to do whatever it takes to overcome the anxiety.

I also came across some very tragic news today.

Chris Lopez was in my Japanese class during first year. I'm using this picture because this is how I remember him, he dressed kind of an emo/scene kind of look. Because of this I remember being a little afraid to talk to him because usually people that dress that way only really associate with other "scene" types. When I did talk to him I was pleasantly surprised to realize he's quite nice once you get passed the initial shyness. I always thought he was very cute, though I never really got to know him. 

I got the devastating news on facebook today that he took his own life. I was shocked... of course most people are in these situations. He was always so well put together, and based on what I'd seen on his facebook had friends, and seemed to have just recently been working at Starbucks and enjoying his job. People always try to put together the pieces as to "why" but as we all know what you see on the outside isn't always the greatest indicator of the feelings they're having inside. 

In his most recent posts (December 27, "Think I'll get my campsafe and haertagram tattoo tomorrow after work.) he was talking about getting tattoos. He recently had gotten a Japanese tattoo down his back as well. The last thing he posted was, "So keep in happiness and torture me..."(lyrics from Pierce the Viel) on December 29th. Those were his last words to the world. 

I know he's in God's hands now. He is at peace.

~~~

I am going to have a very long prayer tonight... 

peace. 

Finally saying No.. after four years of this nonsense.

Fillip S. posted this earlier. Sometimes I wonder if what this says is true. People that have faith seem to be a lot more calm about their life, including Brendan who has witnessed a number of my panic attacks. He tells me to pray and meditate and it helps, but meditation often seems unappealing when getting into my own thoughts is often what leads me to feeling the panic. 

Any time I think about religion I start to cry because I'm scared of it. That's why I get so nervous to talk about anyone about it because I'm embarrassed. Being in churches tends to make me feel like I'm going to cry, too. I remember walking around the catholic church with my great Grandma and saw some of the alters and cried.. Going to a place to study what happens in the unknown scares the Hell out of me. But maybe it could help me improve my life and help my anxiety.

I haven't taken Brokaid in a few days which I'm pretty sure is why I've felt an increased amount of panic. Today hasn't been particularly bad, but it has worsened as the evening has progressed. I think I was nervous about the party that I thought I was going to with Josie because it snowed today and the roads are probably bad. I don't like driving on icey roads, especially not at night.

Josie was actually the first one to text me about it. She's at work and said she might not feel like going because of the weather. I told her I totally understood. 

I feel as though I might be getting sick, anyway. I have a runny nose and my throat is a little sore but not too bad. Probably would be better for me to get a good night sleep if this is the case. I'll be really happy to see Brendan again on the 31st.

That's Brendan on the left. : )

I can honestly call him my boyfriend now, even if we're not "facebook official" and probably won't be for a few weeks. The reason I can say this without a doubt is because yesterday I made one of the hardest decisions I've had to make in a long time because of my feelings for Brendan. 

Jack is the first person I've ever had very strong feelings for. They started out when I was about a sophomore in highschool and over the past few years he's kept these feelings alive by texting me off and on, acting like he's going to make plans and then never following through with them. Everything is 100% on Jack's time, he texts me when he's alone-- which is incredibly rare because he's always around bros. He also texts me when he's drunk. It's like, that's the only time he allows himself to actually think of me and that alone is an insult that I've grown to realize about him.

He always texts me out of the blue around the holidays, or when we've got some break from school. I always delete his contact from my phone because what will happen is we'll talk a little bit, then he'll abruptly stop talking and my feelings get hurt and I delete the contact again. It's been something I've been dealing with for years. On numerous occasions I told him to just stop doing this, told him I couldn't stand him anymore, the whole bit... But it's almost like he knew that no matter what I said it didn't make a difference because I'd forgave him in the past.

Jack texted me shortly before school ended asking when I was going home. I told him and he responded that he wasn't coming back to the tri cities for a couple weeks. This was shortly after (before I met Brendan) I'd out of the blue invited Jack to come over one evening when I was stoned, lonely, and didn't even care anymore about my dignity in the situation. Not anymore.

Jack texted me yesterday morning that he wanted to start spending time together again. It all just sounded like bait, he's done this crap before. He's been in the tri cities hanging out with his bros all week, I'm sure... Even when I was living in Ellensburg he never made any effort to talk to or visit with me, and we live a f*cking block from eachother! I would never be a priority to him, I would always be something of convenience... 

So of course I know I had to tell him no, I can't. I'm seeing someone. Period. Brendan makes me a priority in his life, he and I get along so well and he doesn't cause me any stress. In fact he helps my anxiety because he's a very spiritual, intellectual person that has the patience to actually listen to me. I would not want to give up what I have with Brendan to put myself in the almost inevitable disappointment with dealing with Jack again. 

I feel weight lifted from my shoulders having been able to finally tell Jack "No" but it's one of the hardest decisions I've had to make in this respect. Not because I don't have feelings for Brendan, but because of the feelings I once had for Jack and somehow over the years my mind built him up to be something so great... So that's been stressful but talking about it here makes me feel a lot better. 

My family's all hanging out in the living room. I should really make some tea and join them for a bit. Josie might be coming over later this evening. Originally we were planning on going to a party that her coworkers are holding but the snow on the roads and potential for worse weather later tonight deterred both of us from wanting to go. 

peace. 

22. New Years Resolutions and other stuff.

Sup guys?

Just got back from a very long seven hour shift at work. Jay informed me that I will be getting paid for those 30 hours.... in another two weeks. Fuck, I'm getting really tired of this. He told me I'd be getting paid for those hours on my last paycheck. Thank God I don't have an apartment or a family to feed otherwise they'd be pretty irritated and hungry. haha

So, that Zach (a.k.a.Berry, Brenna's friend from awhile back that stopped talking to me abruptly) guy really proved himself to be a complete puke, but luckily had some closure with him. Last night he spontaniously texted me after not talking for four weeks, "Wanna hook up again?" I had deleted his number, so I texted him back "Who's this?" and he's like "Berry." Five minutes later, as I responded when I was on break he writes "Well?" Ugh. Obviously, zero respect for me. Have I wanted to hook up with him again? Yes. But do I have dignity? ..Or am I at least working on it? Yes. First, sort of dumbfounded, I said "Dude don't you have a girlfriend?"
After driving home, pissed off that he texted me about it in the first place, I also wrote, in a nutshell: "And honestly, I don't want to hook up with you again. I didn't want the "hookup" to be just that but you manipulated me by acting like you actually had feelings toward me. Fuck no, I'd rather not make that mistake again." <- That's actually a little nicer than what it said, but it was basically the same thing. Also, I sound a lot less pathetic than that. Anyway, he told me he didn't have a girlfriend and that he didn't have a committment of any kind with anyone. Yet you post statuses with that gross dumpy girl all the time? Errm, I'm sure she wouldn't be thrilled if she knew he was trying to hook up.

Anyway, he didn't respond until this morning at like 6' am. I was up because I was getting ready for work. He told me that when we hooked up he didn't know I was moving. What a cheap ass excuse. I told him I wasn't moving until September, but regardless he shouldn't base his opinions of someone around when they're moving or not. This went on for awhile with long time stretches in between texts. I had to go to work, so we were having this conversation throughout the day. This is why I hate texting.

Long story (well, not really) short, he made the excuse that he's moving in June. Great, good ridance. Seriously I could give a shit. I really wanted to bitch him out but at this point, but I offered to still be friends to be on good terms, though re-reminded him that I don't want a fuck buddy or any of that bullshit. He responded "nah." Great! 'Have a nice life :)' is what I wrote back. I didn't bitch him out because I'd rather he didn't spread any garbage around about me.

This might sound like a sob story, but for me it's actually a story of strength for me. Yes, I didn't nessasarily tell him straight and bitch him out like I would of to almost anyone that gave me shit online or via text, but this is a huge step for me. I DIDN'T hook up with him. I went on a night walk with Lindy after work, and stayed home. I TOLD HIM NO.

Which leads me to my New Years resolutions for 2012.

2012 Resolutions

1. Be more of a bitch. Bitches have self worth.

Now, a bitch in a sense that I will no longer be a pushover toward men. I will save my kindness and patience for work and the people that I actually care about. This year I was manipulated, and had a vicious cycle of bad men and rejections, making my trust in men very VERY slim. But I'm still alive, STD free, and I still look pretty damn good even if I've gone through an emotional hellride.

2. Get more sleep. 

This is really important. I haven't been getting a good amount of ZzZ's in forever. Especially with my school schedule starting so early in the morning. I'm gonna be waking up at 5'. Barely made it to work on time (scheduled at 7:45) when I woke up at 6:30.

3. Learn all the System of a Down songs on guitar.

Well, probably won't learn all of them, but I'll get the best chunk done that I can. I've already got two down (Hypnotize and Soil), and I'm working on a third (Holy Mountains).

4. Have Faith in myself.

I need to stop wasting so much energy on putting myself down because of the mistakes I've made that have left me sad and humiliated. I have nothing in life to be humiliated for. Those weird fat coupon ladies with their toddlers? They have something to be humiliated for, and they have way more self confidence than I do.

I have really spent too much time in my life being miserable, and it's time to make an effort to be a happier person. Because I'm 20 years old, that's like a 4th of my life that I've spent miserable. I don't need anyone to give me the happiness I deserve. I have to find it myself. There's nothing a man can give me that can make me genuinely happy. It's all lust, it's all short lived. Most relationships are complete bullshit and people just get in them for the attention and admiration/envy of others. I need to find this happiness myself.

5. Develop a closer relationship with God.

I'm tired of being afraid of dying. My anxieties are worsening and I need help.

Pretty powerful goals. But I am feeling like this year will be a breakthrough for me. No, things might not nessasarily change that dramatically, but I can only try and improve my life one step at a time. And I really think these goals will help me. I've been trying to keep a possitive outlook on things. Guitar and hanging out with Jake has helped a lot.

yours,

Emily