Feeling silly like I'm 10 again.

Here's a song I've been addicted too.. actually this whole album is catchy as Hell. It's my guilty pleasure right now because the lyrics are painfully obvious. But yeah, fun stuff to listen to when I bike to class in the morning.

I called Perkins this morning and got ahold of their manager. Apparently their hiring manager is going to be there tomorrow so I'm going to call after my economics class. Hopefully if I can get this job I can still maintain my guitar stuff, academic stuff, blah blah blah. I've kind of peaked out on the guitar in some ways though. Once I'm done with this recital I'm going to stop beating this song to death and start some NEW MATERIAL.

I'm pumped  because guitar pro came to me in the mail back home. That was kind of the last expenditure that pushed me to start looking for work. I've probably only got $400 in my savings right now-- versus the $800 or so that was in my account earlier this month. It's just really easy to spend when you try to eat healthy, have to pay for guitar lessons and... other things.

Great news! My studying paid off. Here's some numbers:
Total time studied for stats exam, wk 5: 267 minutes total. That's 5 hours. That's the quantitative value of hours it takes for me to get a good grade on a test.... maybe? 
Grade on test: 28/30 yahhooooo!!!

Right now I've got a total A in Statistics. I really want to keep this up. I'm pretty sure I'm falling between an A and a B in economics right now. That class is a bit of a pain to study because of the mass amounts of information. I have a quiz next monday so I'm going to start nibbling away more at that material tonight. I typically move that chair in the living room back and forth once a day because I don't want to feel TOO greedy with it. I have seen my roommate use it to study... once.

I really don't know how she sits in that arm chair in the living room. It looks kind of like this:

The style anyway. Except the butt cushion is more narrow.

She sits in that for hours. I have admittedly never sat in it, it looks super uncomfortable to me to be quite honest. Or maybe it's the fact that I don't care much for her... and I know she doesn't like me too. As the days go by it's getting more comical to me that wow, we really haven't talked all year.  I never in my life thought I could go so long living side by side with someone and not say anything really, yet at the same time haven't WANTED too. 

circa 2012

Katelynn and Zach are friends again. You guys I hope Katelynn never finds these blog entries because she would probably block me on facebook. I feel like this blog has become sort of my outlet to talk about my feelings with this, and because Katelynn has completely cut me out, but I'm of course still interested in her whereabouts and want to make sure to record things that I remember from Katelynn now so I can remember our time together forever. I don't know if I'll ever find someone that I connect with like her. 

...But anyway yeah, Katelynn's friends again with Zach..Someone on this photo commented, "I think you now look different to me!" He has changed quite a bit over the past few years....

Circa 2010. I've heard of Zach for a long time. Zach is one of Katelynn's best childhood friends, and he's quite an attractive guy. He's got a boyfriend named Steven, likes to party hard, and lived a sort of crazy rockstar lifestyle with Katelynn back in highschool. Because this pic was taken in 2010, that's around the time Katelynn and him were hanging out.

Back in 2010 as well...

Katelynn stopped hanging out with Zach for the most part when she was in a relationship with Jon, then briefly got wrapped up with him again, then met Alan... Zach has always come and gone in her life like I have in some ways. Katelynn had told me that she would NEVER hang out with Zach again but I told her that she would because he cares about her like I do. Back then I really couldn't have imagined we wouldn't be friends now. 

Here's another picture that Zach has on his fan page.

Wow, there's Katelynn in the back with this guy named Greg that I remember she crushed on at the time. She and Greg sort of dated for awhile but she was pretty hurt when he didn't want a relationship. This was very shortly before she met John when she was finishing up school at Hanford. Damn, I look at her face in this picture and it looks like she's having an absolute blast.

Sometimes I think about how hard it must have been for Katelynn to break away from the Zach situation. She's done the best she can keeping things stable in her life with Alan, which probably doesn't compare much to the raging parties she used to go to with Zach. I don't know, it's so bizarre that she's out of my life now... I think it's been more than a month now and it still gets to me.

I'm really excited to see if I did better than Terry on the stats exam tomorrow. First thing he asked me when we saw eachother today was how I think I did on the test. It cracks me up how competitive he is but it's given me so much incentive to work harder this quarter. I'm hoping we can work something out so that we have classes together in the spring.

peace. 

Will this sh*t ever end?

Well fudge. Gerardo's gay.

I think I should have probably known. I mean just based on the fact that he's done modeling, the fact he's into fashion, etc etc... That was interesting while it lasted. One of his best friends posted "OMG Gerardo's gay" as her status and I'm thinking to myself, ookay wait a second... I can't believe it hadn't really crossed my mind, he seemed pretty into me and I just thought his clothes had to do with culture difference.

He wrote "I think you are very gorgeous and everything about you is marvelous you can have any guy you desire... I hope I didn't upset you." He's a sweetheart.

This whole situation has been absolutely bizarre. Definitely something I'll remember, also something that's never happened to me before. It's always hard when you like someone for one reason or another you can't spend time with them. This was a relatively soft blow for me though, considering I didn't think anything could come from this anyway, even if he was straight. Like I don't speak Spanish fluently. Period.

God has a reason for everything. I will keep telling myself this over the next few days. I can't help feeling a little sick for some reason. Like I just want to go to bed because there's no point in tonight.

I felt accomplished completing my two tests in finite and economics earlier. I also went to my first counselling session and was asked a ton of questions about my current situation and why I'm seeking therapy. According to Kristin Bell, aka Ichbinkeinberliner, it's a good idea to treat moderate depression with a combination of therapy and medication so that's what I'm doing.

This is a video she posted. I sometimes watch her videos to get hope about depression.

She's right that taking medication is like night and day, but certain things are hard to swallow regardless. I'm going to a few group therapy sessions in the next couple weeks before I start having individual therapy again. As a student at CWU it's free, and even if there's a waiting list I'm going to take advantage of what I can. She's also encouraging me to join clubs and I really want to join SHRM but they've got their meetings at 6' in Shaw... My guitar lessons usually go until 6:15 and Shaw is completely on the other side of campus, I'd always inevitably be late but on the 31st I really want to go. 

I should maybe talk to Jake about how serious it is that I do join a club and hopefully get my guitar lesson time changed. I so often feel alone here and I want to meet people so bad. I discussed with my councilor how difficult this has been for me, especially before I got on meds. My ability to deal with this isolation has gotten much better but I still can't help feeling lost here. 

peace. 

I saw a drag show!!

I ended up deleting a previous post that I made because I realized how silly it was. This tends to happen when I blog, I get really pissed off and distraut about something and just run with it. I don't think I'm going to talk about yesterday, for a number of reasons. One is that I'd like to keep it on the DL until further notice.

Photo taken from the Out and About page on facebook.

I went to a drag show!!

I'm pretty sure I mentioned this in my last post, but I didn't know if I was actually going to go. I'm glad I did, it was a hell of an experience in itself because I've never seen anything like that. First of all, just in case this crosses anyone's mind, a drag show is NOT a strip show. It's more of a fashion show with music, dancing, and overall just self expression for the men that do this. It's meant to be a performance.

I went with Drew and JJ, these two guys in the drama program at CBC that were asked to bring two friends each to the show. JJ is in the plays, and me and Drew were his two guests. They're both really sweet to me, good guys. I met them just recently this last quarter at CBC. JJ actually came and picked me up from Kennewick and then we drove all the way to 4th in Pasco. I should of given him gas money for all the driving.. I spaced it and I feel bad about it now. I'm sure he enjoyed my company enough for it not to matter that much.

I saw some of Brenna's friends that I met at her party a long time ago. The party that I met Berry. None of them actually hang out with Berry anymore (I've refered to Berry as Zach in this blog for the most part, but his friends all call him my his last name, Berry). I was really excited to talk to Brenna's friends because they're all really smart and cool to be around. I snagged the number of this one guy, John, who said he was going up to Western at the same time I was. I wasn't trying to hit up on him or anything, but I was super stoked just to meet someone that's gonna be up there. It was only about halfway through talking to them that I realized, oh sh*t this is Brenna's ex. o____o

A long time ago in Japanese class, we had to put a small object in a bag, then everyone in class would draw a different object and  ask eachother if the object belonged to them. Very typical language class exercise. I actually got a photograph that Brenna randomly threw in from the summer of this guy John. I only realized it was him when we started talking about Brenna and the subject was changed rather quickly. She's the only reason they know me at all, so I thought it would break the ice if I brought her up when I saw them. It's not like they don't like Brenna, but it's still an ex situation so it was sort of putting my foot in my mouth to bring it up.

Anyway!! More about the show itself...

Basically, the show consisted of about five or six men wearing extremely extravagent outfits (shoes, hair, whole bit) and dancing. They took tips, but used them more as a dance prop than anything. Like it's obvious they're not in it for the money. I feel they more incoorporate the tips to interact with the audience.

It's funny though, when I see drag queens or transgender men/women my mind usually draws a blank. It doesn't try to categorize by gender, it more or less just thinks "Transgender" instead of "man in makeup" or "woman trying to look like a man.." I'm happy that my parents have somehow raised me so that I accept all kinds of subcultures/sexualities. The only real problem with this is addressing as "he" or "she" when talking about them. You wonder how many of them do it because they enjoy dressing up and/or just want to perform or if they do really identify more with women. I'm sure it varies a lot from person to person, and I don't see anything wrong with it either way. Live and let live, if a transgender man wants to go through all the primping, makeup, and wear uncomfortable shoes like the more glamourous women do, then let them.

It should probably also be noted that not all transgender men are as extreme as drag queens.

For instance, my friend QueenJasmineTagaholi on youtube. She is a transgender woman because she was honestly born the way she is. She dresses very feminine though subtle, and doesn't really parade what she does to the world but more just wants to be accepted in the gender that she identifies with. She's not a performer or goes to the extremes that a Drag queen would.

I've been around a lot of gender bending because of the very liberal Spokane community with cosplaying ("crossplaying," which can get VERY confusing), so nothing really surprised me about the drag show. I mean I knew what to expect outfit wise but I didn't expect I'd actually have a good time. I expected it to be hella awkward... But it wasn't, it was just really fun, nice people. I noticed there were actually quite a few more actual women than men there. Maybe because we have more of an appreciation for extreme makeup?

Alrighty, I'm gonna get going.

peace.

She's a butch lesbian because she's bigger and has short cut hair?

Because this girl is a friend of a friend of a friend that I rarely even talk too on facebook, I doubt that she will ever see this, and if she does, I'm honestly really sorry and if you ever do see this let me know and I will take this down.

All this entry is going to be about is this person that I found that has completely blurred the lines of the gender equalibrium that I'm just lost.

This is a girl that I found on facebook, though I'm not going to post her name for obvious reasons. Yes, this is a girl. At first glance you would probably assume "very butch lesbian," but no, in fact she's straight, in a relationship, and pregnant.

Okay now look at this picture.  Now by looking at this, one might make the judgement that the two guys on the right could be potentially gay because of their haircuts, and the way the guy on the right is daintily holding his beer. This however, is an irrational judgement because you have no real indication. But in fact, the woman on the far left is in a relationship with the guy in the tye dye shirt and they're going to have a child together!

I'm sorry, but when I see this my mind for some reason jumps to the conclusion that the one on the left is gay and the one on the right is lesbian. But I'm WRONG. Well, according to her profile she's interested in "Men" and "Women", but that's beside the point...

She's a woman, she's pregnant, and she has a boyfriend.

And she's completely blown my mind.

But it's in our world today that she CAN be herself, not feminine in the slightest and be accepted for the most part, yet have society fit her in the cardboard box steriotype of "Butch Lesbian". And because my mind is so used to doing this in order to be liberal and accepting of people and their sexualities (or so I thought), it can't seem to get my head around this girl NOT being a "butch lesbian." Has my mind been so brainwashed to believe that any girl that isn't feminine and wears their hair like a man might is a lesbian?

Probably.

It makes me realize that you really can't label people into subcultures/groups because though a lot of the times those judgements are right because people conform to certain steriotypes themselves, you can sometimes be wrong.

That's all I had to say.

yours

Emily