Sunday, December 30, 2012

I don't want to be afraid anymore.

Today was a little better because of the following video

MyOwnStickFigure has been one of my favorite inspirational youtubers for awhile now. Though he's not necessarily trying to be an inspiration for anyone he makes these videos where he speaks out living with anorexia as well as tons of helpful advice that he's learned from years of therapy. These videos can be very helpful for me because I do deal with my own food anxiety. 

He's stopped making videos. Many people assume he passed away but did not close the channel to continue to help those in need. I originally thought this might be true as well until I looked at his channel activity and saw that he'd editted a playlist only three months ago (his most recent video was six months ago). I think he's still alive, but he's really found his faith and has many videos with his favorite.... I believe it's called "proverbs?" so I think today he's been dedicating all of his power to getting healthy and his spirituality. I hope so... Johnny's a really good person. He's been through so much with anorexia and he's finally found strength through his faith. I feel the same way about my anxiety and I hope I can get the same results. 

So yes, with the anxiety today was better than yesterday. Yesterday was pretty bad because I didn't take Lorazapam all day and really felt nervous and anxious. I ended up taking a whole pill instead of just a half in the evening when I felt like I just couldn't take it anymore and felt calm for the first time all day. I'm beginning to realize that when I run out of my perscription of Lorazapam there is a possibility that I will need to return to my doctor to seek other anti-anxiety medication options. 

Today I took two halves of Lorazapam. That and studying more about God has made today both relaxed and slightly emotional. Like I said before, whenever I read or talk about Christianity it has a way of making me cry because it's something that I know I need to find in my life again but I've been scared to face it and have pushed it under the rug time and time again until I felt I was ready.

Well, I feel now would be a better time than ever. People often turn to religion when they're going through hardship in their life and though many people who see my life from the exterior might think my life seems nearly perfect do not understand what I go through internally. This anxiety during this very transitional period of my life has made if difficult to live and makes it harder and harder to enjoy... anything! I've gotten so much great advice and support from friends and relatives yet I seem to slip back into these feelings of fear, tension and anxiety. I think it's time for me to finally ask God for help. 

Another big inspiration for me is IchBinKeinberliner, or Kristin. She has schizophrenia and makes many videos about mental illness, including depression and anxiety. I discovered this evening that she has a website: 

I'm going to start reading these pages this evening. Though the mental illness that I've had to deal with throughout my life isn't I guess as... radical as what she's been through, I can still relate to many of her videos and get good advice from them. YouTube has been so helpful for me to better understand such a wide variety of incredible people and in exchange better understand myself. 

That's really all I had to say today. Quite honestly I spent my entire day in my room. I got up at about 8' this morning, took a shower, lightly blowdried then hoped on the Sims. I've actually gotten quite a bit of enjoyment out of the Sims 3 expansion where you can make your sim a celebrity. Later when I get my computer back onto the internet I'll post a few screenshots of my character's rise to stardom, haha. 

I played guitar for a little less than three hours today. Brendan and I didn't text that much but I'm really excited to see him tomorrow. Tomorrow is New Years eve after all! Which means I will begin packing tomorrow morning, excellent. I've had a pretty good Christmas break overall, and it's going to feel nice to get back into the old grind.

But it's actually not the OLD grind! With this New Year I have many resolutions to help improve my quality of life from where it is now. I will tell you guys those tomorrow. 


1 comment:

Let's avoid being rude and nasty, thanks