Got time, time, to wait for tomorrow

Evening folks, I've had a nice first week of summer so far.

last day working at the Edward's farm. 

First of all, I was able to land a brief farm job this summer two days after moving home. It lasted from Tuesday to Thursday morning which was a lot shorter than anticipated. The job itself was really easy in comparison to what I'd dealt with in my own family's orchard a few years back. Basically I was assigned to stand by these large white bins, wait for pickers to pour in a bucket of fruit, and punch their ticket to recognize they'd done it. The only manual labor I had to do was pick the leaves out and stack the boxes that weren't terribly heavy-- probably around 70 lbs, but just really bulky and awkward.

My crew was interesting because none of them I'd had extended interaction with before. All good guys though, like none of them were complete dicks about when I woke up an hour late on the first day (which ended up being canceled anyway, whew...). This guy Dalton did give me a little sh*t on facebook that day and added me as a friend. He was on my crew along with Vlad R. (Really smart kid for only being a Junior in highschool, impressive), Dalton's brother Brandon who was running the tractor, Jaron G. (who I could not believe is a sophomore in highschool now. Wow I felt old.), another 16 year old that looked a lot like that guy Abe and Cruz Del A. Cruz's uncle was there too and stopped by my bin a lot to talk to me and cracked me up. I remember him saying, "You've got them beautiful eyes God gave ya."

Doing this job gave me a little summer color and got me in better shape which was nice. I've been exercising every evening since. Maybe out of boredom and feeling a little stir crazy at home already, I dunno.

Today I applied for a job at Maverik and talked to a woman on the phone who said the boss wasn't going to be around until Tuesday but she will leave a sticky note on it to definitely give me a call because I sounded nice and they were still running interviews... Yay! They're looking for evening shift cashiers which is perfect for me-- I function the best at night, it'll keep me out of trouble, and will enable me to sleep in late if I want to cuddle with Marshall.

In other news, I finally got my new glasses. My Mom picked them up for me in Ellensburg when she had to go back to check out my apartment. I honestly dodged such a bullet there, those people that inspect the apartment are humongous assholes looking for any tiny thing to charge you for on your way out. Blegh. My mom is awesome.

Alright it's almost 10 pm, about my workout time. I've been really getting back into guitar since I arrived home. That's what I've been spending most of my freetime on lately. I'm sure that'll continue once I have a job. I've decided I'm not going to take a summer class and just take it online next winter. I could really use a break and for some reason my computer will NOT let me access the class on Canvas or Blackboard.

peace. 

Annoying log-in problems has made posting difficult.

Okay, I was finally able to merge my gmail accounts so that I can log in to my blog using my primary address. For some reason I'd still had it set to my hotmail account and couldn't remember the password. Anyway, you'll be seeing more posts from me from here on out. Finally.

Today is June 17th. The last week of school was incredibly stressful and moving back home was crazy. Joel and I ended on a rather shitty note and I'm just happy to be back home, even if in less than 24 hours I've successfully made both of my parents really mad at me.

Before I tell you guys why I'll talk a little about my last week of school.

The forecasting project that I thought I was more than ready for turned out to be the total pits. I can't tell you how many hours I spent trying to finish that thing. It was so frustrating because it didn't have to be that way if I had just picked a more predictable dataset in the first place. I originally tried forecasting propane sales by using this weekly data that had over a thousand observations and no obvious seasonality. I'd done about half of the project when Wassell told me the data needed to be seasonally adjusted before I could model it. The adjustment didn't help me and I decided to switch datasets altogether.

What made having to redo the project twice even harder was that Joel was already finished with his project and was able to study for the ETS exam with Logan the econ tutor that night. Joel ended up getting in the 96th percentile, which is fantastic. I got in the 86th which is better than I'd expected. If you look at the distribution curve on this exam there are more people in the 50th-60th range so I did better than 86% of other college econ kids across the country which I felt quite accomplished with.

Seeing that test score made me feel more confident in having made the right decision to be an economics major. It really proves that I learned a lot about business, the economy and scarcity instead of just regurgitated information for tests.

That night after my last exam I went out with my neighbors Gabby and Een for Een's birthday. He hadn't been out to the Ellensburg bars before so we tried to pick the best bars to avoid making him feel awkward (no 301, ha ha). We went to the Tav, Starlight and Shooters. We shared a pitcher at the Tav but the rest of the night I was drinking tequila, mainly because my mind was completely zonked after staying up all night to study for the ETS and tequila makes me feel awake and fun (ha ha). 

Going to the Shooters was the last time I saw Joel. He was surrounded by a couple trashy looking girls and I just stepped right between them and started talking. The girls kind of gave me a look and I just laughed in their face. Right, like your skinny ass in that tiny dress when it's 50 degrees outside and windy deserves my respect? Joel looked drunk but I offered to buy him a drink so I could close my tab. 

When I asked the bartender for a tequila+lemonade and a rum+diet he looked at Joel and was like, "It's not for him, is it?" I didn't say anything because I knew Joel had probably been ordering them all night and if I was smart should have ordered something else (or nothing for him at all). The bartender then looked at Joel, pointed at the door and said "Get out." and Joel starts arguing and asking why. The bartender just kept saying, "I don't need to tell you why. Get out." It was kind of embarrassing. I mean guys get kicked out of bars all the time but he always seems to go overboard. 

We didn't talk after that night. I'd tried to get ahold of him multiple times to see him one last time before I left but he ignored me completely. It made leaving Ellensburg a lot easier. I hate goodbyes in general so maybe it was better we ended this way.

So now I am home! Kind of feeling like a guest here because everything has changed so much, including no longer having my bedroom. I am under a lot of pressure to find a job, and I managed to get a four day gig working cherries for the Edwards but my first day I f*ed up big time. My stupid phone was on silent this morning so I didn't hear my alarm and didn't make it at 4 am like I should have. I lucked out because they didn't work today because of the rain but my parents were both humiliated and extremely mad that I would be so irresponsible. I don't blame them. 

I'm just hoping I can work hard and get back into the groove of things so I don't get yelled at like this every day.. it sucks

peace. 

Icing addict

Hey, it's 12:02 in the morning.

I really should be sleeping right now but I drank a grande coffee about two hours ago. My friend Randy and I had a plan to study Money and banking in the library but after studying for three hours this morning for my managerial test, plus taking the test itself... My motivation wasn't really there this evening, I had to relax. So I ended up meditating for about an hour.. probably dozed off a couple times but set a couple alarms to make sure I'd wake up in 30 minute increments or so. I knew I had to meet Randy at the library at 8'.. I texted him at about 7:35 saying that I'm "superrrr tired" and he offered to come pick me up! I really appreciated that...

I was also hungry... and there's not much to eat in my house right now because I've been so busy with studying I literally have not had time to do anything. Not even play guitar. Any time spent these past two days that wasn't spent preparing food, cleaning or otherwise taking care of myself was spent studying. I barely even went on facebook today which made me pretty proud of myself... sometimes that can create such a waste of time.

...Anyway Randy and I drove over to Arbys, which as you guys know is my favorite fast food place, mainly because of the cherry turnovers being so f**king heavenly but rarely ever actually available. I love that icing on top.... Come to think of it I've been eating a lot of foods with icing on it lately. Like the other day my mom came up and we had Dominoes and I got those cinnamon sticks with icing... Then I've got these weird oatmeal "whole grain" poptarts that have crunchy icing on top.

They're called "Oatmeal Delights." I got some strawberry ones at Bargain market.... for a Bargain, ha ha durrrr

No but seriously they are quite good. 

The managerial test was not as hard as I'd expected it... Granted I say this but could be eating my words when they get handed back to us but I will say that it was more understandable for me than the last test because this one relied more on formulas and finding outputs then theory.

I have my money and banking true/false quiz tomorrow. I'm *planning* to get up early in about 6 hours to squeeze some last minute reading for that in as well because I've been neglecting my other subjects almost every day since last Thursday. Studying with Randy this evening was probably pretty frustrating for him because I was *super* ADHD for some reason.. Like there was this guy listening to a song that I knew by Dream theater SUPER loud on the computer. Or maybe it was Megadeth, I don't know, it frustrates me because I knew what the song was and when I heard the solo started like jamming out to it in my seat and singing along with it....

Ha ha I've started doing this a lot lately, like I'll start "singing in guitar" without realizing it if I get a riff going through my head out or like today when I heard a solo through someone's muffled headphones. GOD I love guitar... 

Night folks

peace. 

Work to pay for these kid's fieldtrips.

I helped pick some cherries today. Figured I could use the money. I picked 9 buckets full of almost perfect Rainiers and earned $50. Unfortunately this money is going to slip right out of my hands more than likely because my Mom has to drive up to Bellingham to get these f*cking kids. You think my mom will be able to pay me back? Nope. I'm so done. The only, ONLY reason she'll be able to get that money out of me is because she will blame the fact that she has to go up to Bellingham on me because the only reason she took this project is because she thought I'd be going there.

I have no idea how she thinks she can go to California right now... We're having such a hard time as it is without the orchard to that used to get us a few grand each summer just for whatever we chose to do with it. Cherry harvest used to be sort of our summer blow money, but without that there hasn't been any room for trips in years. The last time I went to California was... I'm pretty sure the summer before my senior year. That's a long time, I feel like I have to go down there because it's going to be my Great Grandma's 90th birthday. I actually remember when she turned 80 when I was ten years old and my Grandma Marty picked up the horrendously ugly purple Mexican cake, love it.

So much of this is all my Dad's stupid family's fault... if they hadn't of kicked my Dad off the farm for no other reason besides greed we wouldn't be having as many problems now. Granted this season still would have sucked, but my Dad has helped steer through horrible seasons before. It's just the nature of the business, you're going to have bad years and lose money, but my Dad always somehow found a way to make money even on the shittiest seasons. He'd sell some of the smaller cherries to the Mormon ladies that can them, they'd buy the boxes for only $10 or so, but that was $10 that would have just sat on the ground rotting away.

It's that kind of mentality that I try to have with business... something really is better than nothing, and sometimes you have to work hard even if the reward isn't great because getting a little money for some work is better than no money at all. I worked so hard this morning, my back hurts and my brain feels so zapped from the sun.

I'll probably just sit and play guitar the rest of the day. Not much else to do, I've got work the next couple days. I've been so lonely lately, haven't even told my mom that my cell phone is going to turn off again because I pretty much just use it for music and getting ahold of Sam and Katelynn anymore. I can always get ahold of both of them on facebook, there's no reason to turn my phone back on.

No word from Jack in like, four days. We've barely talked at all. I'm in such a hard limbo right now because unless I find someone better than Jack I can't seem to get over him. My heart still somehow holds onto something, even if I know logically that I shouldn't think that with our history. My head is what drives me every day, and I have been able to get passed my heart and tell him to fuck off, time and time again, yet he seems to always get my forgiveness when he randomly pops up out of nowhere and tells me all the reasons I'm wrong in being mad at him.

I think I have every right to be frustrated with him, that's for damn sure. Mainly out of the humiliation that I feel that I still have feelings for him at all when I talk to Samantha, Katharine or Katelynn about it. Periodically I'll talk about it with them, if ever at all, more so with Samantha than the others. By now, though, Katelynn always just gives me some version of, "So... when are you going to tell him to fuck off?" And Katharine tells me to just ignore whenever he texts if he tries. It's not that fucking simple. Samantha just sort of takes it and accepts the fact that I have a problem. Sometimes you just need that person instead of hearing the truth, because I know what the truth is. That I'm extremely alone, and waiting for some moron to fall back on me.

It's sort of sad that I'm this attractive and talented, yet so alone, isolated and sad inside by my lack of companionship.

Don't get me wrong, I have guys that go after me a lot, but I'm so whipped emotionally because I've never actually loved anyone that the only way I can finally get away from him is if:

A. He finally just says, Emily, I don't like you, I've never REALLY liked you, and this whole thing has just been a headgame because I got lonely and you were convenient enough to talk to for awhile while I was looking for someone else.
Granted, he's not going to actually say this, he'd more say a lie such as: Emily, you're cool and everything and I like you as a person but you're to forward and it's intimidating to me so BYE! Sorry for leading you on for a year! Seriously, no hard feelings.
I'd be perfectly fine with this. 


B. I meet someone else. Realize Jack really isn't that great because I happen to find someone else I can relate to on that level and talk to for 3 hour increments and laugh at the dumbest shit that probably makes no sense to most people.
Yeah, good luck. Certainly not happening in the tri cities. I've accepted that fact that I will almost definitely be alone for the next few months.. July, August, most of September... alone alone alone.

And that's it. That's why this situation pains me so much because I can't really escape it. I AM patient, I've held out for a long time.. And God, if this is part of your grand plan for me you sure as Hell better make it worth my wait because this is bullcrap. Spontaneous fate has a way of showing itself when you least expect it, but it's hard to "least expect" things when you're so depressed about being alone that you find yourself waiting for something to happen. 20 + hours a week of guitar and lessons with Jacob has been huge savior for me. It's almost like therapy because I've gotten more self confidence, but there's still a part of me that's always dead.

I just can't think about it... without this blog I'd have to rant to my friends about this so what can I do.

peace.