So I met Jed. : )

Stoked is probably an understatement. Yes that's Jed, in my room, with my guitar. Score.

A couple days ago Burnadette, her roommate and I went to Fred Meyers and they helped me pick out some groceries. Burnadette has been excellent in offering me advice concerning being overwhelmed with school and my poor eating habits...

Anyway when we got back to my apartment complex with the groceries there was some "block party" thing going on. There were a few stands, 88.1 was there playing music and there were some clubs advertising. I spotted Jed and we made eye contact, but of course I was really nervous to talk to him even though I knew that this was my chance. He was standing with the filipeno club at a stand, it was really cold out. 

I had walked back and forth between my apartment and my car a couple times to get the groceries out of my car and stood in my living room for a minute wondering if I should go out there and talk to him. I figured now was a better time than ever because it's a public event so I went back out and started checking out each of the booths. All of the booths were for ethnic clubs, none of which was particularly interested in but hey... free candy. 

When I got to Jed's booth he asked, "So are you just white or what?" I sort of cracked up, asking him some random questions about the club but not really listening to his responses on it, I was more concerned with how I was going to get his number. I told him I'd just moved into Central and didn't know very many people so he offered to swap numbers with me. Score. 

We were texting that evening for about an hour before he asked what I was up to that night. I didn't really have other plans, a friend of mine had sort of flaked out so I didn't mind putting that off. He told me he played the guitar too and I told him I had a guitar he could use. 

He busted in; he didn't even knock, like suddenly I turned around and he was in my room. We hit it off pretty quickly, he seems to have the same sort of sense of humor that I do. I showed him the Hollywood Complex and he thought was brilliant so that was an immediate plus. 

He was also of course very impressed by my guitar skills. He plays well but he's self taught so of course he was very interested in my methods. I found it very difficult to explain anything to him, his eyes are beautiful. 

His friend came over around 10:30 PM. Jed had been getting a ton of texts/calls since he'd got to my place so you can tell he's got a lot of friends; I like that.. But obviously unlike Jack he'd actually be willing to get away from his friends for two seconds to spend time with me, which is another plus. Anyway, Jed's friend (shown right in the picture above) showed up and we left to get some taco bell and--  I didn't really know what else the plan was, I was just along for the ride. We ended up just coming back to my apartment after getting food. I ordered a Cantina bowl, ate about three bites of it and tossed it. Taco Bell just wasn't good that night for some reason. 

After his friend left Jed and I hit it off pretty well, I got to know him a little bit better as the night went on. I'll write some of what he told me here so I can keep the details straight. 

Jed's 22, gonna turn 23 in January. He was just in a 1 year 2 month relationship that he just ended a couple months ago with some girl that he didn't really like so he's telling me that he wants to bh e single for awhile. He's full filipeno, his Mom moved over here to be with his Dad when he was ten (technically stepdad). He didn't know any English. He's an electrical engineering major, he's in his last year at Central. I don't know if he has any siblings. I also know that he's taking linear algebra this quarter and I'm wondering if he's taking it with Jason T. 

Ha ha, he came over this morning too and crashed on my couch...

I try not to get too excited about these sort of things. I've really learned to just go with the flow and not expect anything from this aspect of my life but even if that was the last time I see him (which I doubt, but you just never know..) I'm still stoked I got to meet him and hang out a couple times. It's a start. I definitely like him so I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes, if anywhere. 

What's really funny about all this is that he's actually had his eye on me for awhile too, so during that time that I was crushing on "a complete stranger" he was doing the same back-- that's never happened to me before. 

In other news I went to lunch with Reina on Friday. We went to Kiku-chan for sushi and Reina laughed at me because I dumped a bunch of sugar in my green tea. She's like "What are you doing?!" I guess Japanese people don't do that! Strange, I always thought green tea was too bitter without it. 

I gotta get some study done... I've been breaking my accounting study sessions in 45 minute periods which has been helping me retain the information a little better. I'm in Benton city right now, I came back to see Katelynn but also got a chance to see my sister go off to homecoming with Jimmy, Denae, Cora M., and their dates. Denae's younger sister was with them too but she didn't seem too happy to be there. 

My sister of course looked fabulous but she was being a complete brat. She always acts humiliated by me and it pisses me off at times but what's new. 

peace. 

What does being in love even feel like?

Well my studying today paid off.

For the first time on a Wednesday I didn't feel completely lost in my classes... except for Math, the way that he's teaching us functions has me completely lost, and by the looks of it half the class is in the same boat. He actually called on me today saying, "You don't get it." Why do professors always read that on my face?

Here's what's on the menu this upcoming week:
-Accounting test on Monday
-Ch. 5/6 test due Tuesday for law (I'll get this done easily)
-Have the ability to not only understand functions but be able to graph them. That's going to be an absolute nightmare.

So right now obviously accounting should be the first priority but really this weekend is going to focus more on getting caught up on math. I absolutely cannot get behind on this because Montgomery goes FAST and I need to be on top of what he's saying to pass that class. I don't consider my first test grade much of a success because he's going to have tests semi-regularly now and the material is going to get harder and harder five days a week. It's not like Accounting and law where I have a day.

Ideally, this weekend I'd like to study about five hours a day. That's what I've been doing lately, 3-5 hours and I've been keeping up pretty well. It's a full time job, I'm lucky if I even have time to play guitar.

This weekend I'm going to have lunch with Reina, maybe going to movie night with Sarah H. and *maybe* jamming with this one guy I met named Adam and his bassist. The later two depend on how much work I've gotten done for the day.

Love has been bothering me a lot lately. Today this really sweet Thai girl that's in my accounting class asked me if I had a boyfriend and said that she couldn't believe that I didn't because I'm "so pretty." I really wish that dictated anything but it doesn't. Yeah, I guess it would increase my chances of a particular person that I'm attracted to being physically attracted to me back but does it actually increase my likelihood of finding someone that's right for me? No, probably not.

So I posted that picture shown above today to sort of show my depression/feeling of hopelessness about it lately. It makes me want to cry every almost every day at some point, even if everything else in my life is going well... It's a burden, and it's been getting worse, particularly in the evenings when I'm stressed out about classes and want someone to talk to.

I just try to fill that void in my life with the guitar, in some way it makes me feel loved because it's a daily reminder of how much I should love myself. Seriously what person is f*cking crazy enough to play the guitar three hours a day for five months straight until she knows how to shred? Apparently I am, and I'm happy to carry that title that I've still been playing for less than a year. Imagine how good I'll become if I stay single for another year (hahaha). That really has been the good that's come out being alone has been truly finding my own identity at such a young age. I don't have many questions about who I am, what my plan is in life, what strengths and weaknesses are... Not very many 21 year old's can say the same.

I'm starting to realize how many coping devices my mind has found to deal with these feelings these past couple years. My excessive studying, my three hours of guitar playing, my exercising... All of it boils down to wanting a HIGHER self worth, trying to improve so that I don't care if I have anyone or not. All I need is me. And it's worked, I look back in 2011 when I used to get completely disrespected by men and I'd put up with it because I didn't think I deserved any better.

But I've found there really is no way of making your mind completely stop thinking about it, no matter how much you try to suppress it, because it's not natural. There's something instinctively that drives us to find companionship in another human being, and when you don't have it for a certain amount of time your mind begins to bother you until you go out and make some stupid mistake (like settling for someone) just to feel loved again.

And that's what I've tried to avoid more than anything with the guitar is to stop needing it to the point that I would settle for someone else. I've set my standards at a certain place and refuse to deter from them because it would be a waste of time. That, and, after being single for two years I'd like to wait until I find someone that actually has potential to become "love."

Because I've never been in love. I've certainly been attracted to guys, I've dated, been in some relationships (most of which I couldn't say improved my life but actually caused MORE problems/stress/depression that I was HAPPY when it was over).. but I've never been in love.

And it's hard.

It's painful.

It's distracting.

But there's nothing I can do about it and there's no end in sight. 

I think the reason that it's bothering me now more than ever is because I've become so satisfied with the direction that my life is going that I feel like now would be the appropriate time for that aspect of my life to give me just a *little* satisfaction but I guess not yet. 

And for that reason I fucking hate the phrase "It will come when you least expect it."  because the longer you wait the more you want something good to happen.

That's all I really had to say. It was literally the first thing I thought of this morning and now I'm not going to let it be the last thing I think about before I go to bed. It's 8:05 pm, I think tonight I'll study an hour of math and play guitar, probably go to sleep around 11'. I'd say I've got a "big day of study" tomorrow but because it seems like every day is like that here. Still, because I have no plans other than my math class I'm shooting for six hours tomorrow. 

peace.