F*ckF*ckityF*ckF*ck WHYYYY....

Well it's been a hell of a day.

I think extreme stress over this class registration issue has made me sick for the last two days. I've been completely lacking in energy and my stomach has been in chronic pain. For good reason, considering one of my worst nightmares actually happened today.

I'm not graduating after Spring quarter like I'd originally anticipated and in retrospect I realize it's all my fault. This is going to create another entire quarter of stress, frustration and worst of all, debt. I need to backup to explain what the hell happened.

I registered for my Spring classes weeks ago, when I was supposed too. I know I did, but because it was so long ago I have no direct recollection of it. So when I went online and discovered that "you have not currently registered for any Spring classes" I flipped. I had no idea why I'd been dropped. I figured it was just a stupid glitch or something.

So of course I re-registered for the classes I needed: Econ 401 and Human resource management online. Not only was HR full, but I was #14 on the wait list... Making it impossible to get into that class, and there's nothing else available. I messaged my adviser and the dean of business registration and she sent me a message saying I hadn't tried registering for anything since February, as well as the fact that I missed the graduation deadline and need to fill one out by April 10th for after Summer quarter anyway.

So I f*cked up in two ways unknowingly. This left me with, okay, I'm not graduating after Spring quarter which totally blows, but I need to find another class to take so I have 10 credits. Given the fact that my Dad is always getting on my case about taking more accounting classes, that was the first thing I looked at. NO accounting classes on campus are being offered on campus that I can take that would contribute to getting an accounting minor if I wanted one. There's a 341 class available in Des Moines, 2.5 hours away, driving over the pass twice a week... That's not plausible for a number of reasons. Then there's also the option of taking Cost Accounting 405 online which would be incredibly hard and stressful considering I got a C+ in cost accounting 305. Cost accounting 405 doesn't even add credits to an accounting minor because it's not one of the elective options, who knows why.. making it extremely hard to convince myself to take it.

My parents aren't going to pay for me to take only 5 credits and neither is my student loans. So I'd be losing my student loans, as well as all the money in my savings account to pay for these 5 credits. I would HAVE to get a job in ellensburg. Something I tried to do all quarter last quarter and failed miserably. I mean I'd have better availability but even then, it is so hard to get a job there.

At least if I got a job it'd make it easier to live there in the summer. I'm so tired of going to school in general, I really thought I was finally done with it after this quarter but because of my own idiotic lack of initiative to check and make sure everything was ready to go. I can't remember the last time I was this disgusted with myself. I'm just praying this can somehow be to my advantage..

I am probably going to go back to Ellensburg Friday to start my job search again. And pay for my one class. Try to somehow deal with this depression I'm feeling right now.

peace. 

Today really should be an exciting day.

Man, graduation day started out extremely shitty and it's barely 10:00 am. I got up at 7:30, knowing that I'd be blowing about a third of my savings to pay for Spring quarter. I tried to find some sort of proof that we actually had paid for some of my Spring tuition, but it looks like I unknowingly blew the entire thing. There was no proof of checks written to CBC from my Dad in April.

I posted a status about this. Another status about my distaste with how the financial aid system works and how minorities are "spoonfed" the money they need when the caucasions are expected to pay it in full. When I say "minorities" I was of course implying Hispanics. African Americans get financial aid as well, but not nearly as much. Asians and Indians (of India) of course get no easy aid because the school system knows that their culture knows the importance of a good education and would be willing to pay anything to get their kids ahead.

I feel that this is wrong, the way financial aid segregates people based on their race. I feel financial aid should be based on a students grades and how hard they work. Shouldn't that be who the state invests in? The students that get the best grades and therefore deserve to not have to live in this constant fear of their own family's finances? No. Because in order for our country to prosper, we have to supplement the education of the people that can't afford it because if the lower income households don't get that money, their kids won't go to college, then they could potentially cost our country more money in the long run. But because all the financial money is going to young welfare Moms, Hispanic people, and other low income households, where does this leave the caucasion middle ground? Fucked. Paying out thousands just to get by and forcing their parents to live paycheck to paycheck just to get their kids a decent education.

And these are families that did the "right" thing. Got married (no money for married couples). Got some sort of degree-- whether it be their bachelors or even some vocational degree. Maybe they don't have a degree at all but they make enough money to make it appear that they could support the thousands it takes to ge their kids through school. The amount that people make per year isn't nessasarily the most accurate indicator of how much money they have available to them. We've been getting by alright, but I'm certainly not going to be doing anything too fun like take any road trips or do any major splurges. Nope, gotta save up.

I had to give them $500 right out of pocket this morning. I got paid yesterday, so I had $600 in my checking and $1300 in my savings after this guitar expense that my Mom still hasn't helped me out with. I had told my Dad that because I knew he didn't want to pay for any more Japanese, I'd pay for half of it.That'd be $250, which was doable, just like my guitar was. Of course had I knew that I needed to pay for this I would have waited a couple weeks on the guitar.

..No, I couldn't of, that's a lie. I love that guitar like a baby now, seriously it's like my lifesaver right now because without it I'm pretty sure I would have gone stir crazy.

My mind is almost entirely off men again, Jack never made an effort to get ahold of me after my text message that essentially told him that he's dead to me. Wait, did I write about this? I've told almost all of my closest friends about this but I'm not sure if I mentioned it in my blog. This is definately significant enough to talk about though. I'm waiting for Katelynn to get back at me so I have a little time. We're going to run into town together. I really shouldn't be spending the gas money because I'm going to be as cheap as possible for the next two weeks but I have to buy it.

Anyway, yes, I finally told Jack that I'm completely done with his games and that I never want to talk to him again. It took me nearly a week of courage and waiting for any sort of contact with him before I actually did this, but when he didn't initiate anything I decided enough was enough and I was tired of waiting.

"....I've been like a book that you pick up again every time you break up with your girlfriends and don't even have the balls to admit it and that's whats driven me nuts. I am serious when I say I never want to talk to you again, you are dead to me now. Have a nice life."

This was the end of it. And I think that's the end of it, period. I mean four years of this, four years of him unknowingly torturing my emotions and playing with my head. Making me think that he ACTUALLY found me appealing, liked who I was as a person, thought I was beautiful.. etc etc. Nope, because if he found me beautiful, interesting and someone that he'd actually want to be with he would not play me like this. He's always treated me like I was second best to all these other bitches.

Katelynn was right when she said I would feel a lot better about it once it was over and I do. I feel numb again, repressed, alone. But I feel this is the way it's meant to be, and could be for a long time and I have to be patient. Katharine and Katelynn BOTH told me that I need to not let this happen again; not let some guy dick me around again and again and fall for it.

I just can't believe I somehow fell for it a third time. My mom had a lot to do with it because she was egging me on and asking me a lot of questions about it. She didn't tell me at all, "Emily, no, Jack's just doing this same bullshit that he always does... Stay away." I think Katharine tried, having questioned it IMMEDIATELY when I said that me and Jack were spending time together that day two weeks ago.



Man, it's already been two weeks, hasn't it? I guess time does ease the pain of this because I'm getting closer and closer to where I was before he started talking to me emotionally. I'd say it'll take another week of drowning out my emotions with guitar playing and spending time with people that I care about to not care anymore entirely, and he'll barely cross my mind if at all. I don't know how long it would take to get over someone, but I try to quantitate everything to ease my mind that No, even if this was the first time ever really having feelings for anyone, it won't be forever. In fact I like to think I'm fickle enough to be totally immune to most of these feelings, which is true....

I've just been so drained. The graduation ceremony is today but I don't have any enthusiasm about it at all anymore because of the money I had to spend. That and I'm practically starving because I didn't eat breakfast but I don't want to spend any money on food. I've got $90 in my checking account right now after the $500 deduction. I've got $1,200 in my savings account, which I feel is money I don't even really own because it's only for future expenses in college. $40 of that $90 is going to go to my safety blanket today, and the other$50 I am going to try to stretch as far as humanly possible for the next couple weeks until my Dad pays that money back.

shit, I'm too hungry to fast until I get home. I really don't want to spend any money at all but I have to or I'm afraid I'll get dizzy on the road or something. My mom doesn't understand why I do the things I do to save money but it's because I am 100% dedicated to making it so I don't have to rely on anyone in my future. I want to be 100% financially reliant on myself. I'm not going to be like the Hispanics and have the government pay for my school. I'm going to get a loan and have to suffer the consequences later. I'm not going to be like the entitlement culture that gets welfare money from the government or food stamps or reduced lunch for my kids or anything like that. The whole process makes me sick, so I will bust my ass so that I never have to deal with it. The first half of my college is done, that means I'm halfway to making my own decent money.

This is a huge step in the right direction for me, yet I don't feel very excited because I feel it's very insignificant and it's much too early to celebrate. It took me forever to get my AA... 3 years feels like way too long for CBC, and I almost feel humiliated about it.

But I'm DONE. That $500 is going to buy my degree today, my parents will pay some of it back eventually. My mom is now saying that she doesn't "owe" me any money even though she still promissed she'd give me $100 to help pay for my guitar plus the $40 to help pay for my lessons. I'm having a feeling she's not going to actually pay me for either now that the guitar's been paid for. Whatever, she doesn't have too. She needs to save her own damn money so my Dad will stop yelling.

peace.

最善を尽くしてください! Please try your best.

I posted the title of this blog to Katharine's status saying she's taking her LAST Spanish final. I'm pretty freaking proud of her, she's gonna be graduating from Central at the same time I'm graduating from CBC. I hope we'll be able to attend eachother's graduations. They're going to be painfully long I'm sure but I'm still really excited!

So second day of the hardest week ever. I'm sitting in the library again and I plan on studying accounting for an hour, probably work on the Visual basic final practice, and write a letter of recommendation for Samantha.

Sam sent me a text earlier freaking out about not having one, so I figure why the Hell not it'll only take me a half an hour or so to complete. Not that I don't already have enough on my plate as it is, but maybe it'll deliver some good karma. : )

This weekend is going to be really hectic with the estate sale and everything, but I'm excited for it to be the weekend so my Japanese oral exam and my accounting test will be OVER! The chapter test got moved to Thursday, so I made sure to get my Japanese oral exam moved to Wednesday so I can spend a few more hours tomorrow getting this bank reconciliation crap straight. I'm going to talk to my Dad about it tonight, maybe he can shed some light on it. I really should be going to the tutoring center, but the time that Dwight is there is really inconvient for me. I like to spend that hour between Japanese and Visual basic for studying Japanese and relaxing my mind...

Today was the last regular class day of Japanese V. I can't believe it, another class under my belt. I'm pretty proud of my Japanese speaking and writing skills, but having the initiative to take another quarter of this is going to be hard. I just need to remember that once I get out of CBC, I'll have all of the introductory Japanese done. Only way to do that is to take it again in the Spring. Geoff Webber is going to be my partner next quarter, hopefully. He works very hard and he's extremely goal oriented with it, so I know I can rely on him to actually try during speaking activities.

Today during class me and Hannah really utilized the time sensee gave us to work on the material for oral exams, but it was so loud I could barely hear her. Taylor is just so loud, and he tends to make those other guys louder.

Yesterday I worked on Schism for like an hour. I still haven't gotten much of an opportunity to work on Blue yet. It's got the same tuning System of a Down uses. C# tuning, it's really low. I want to focus on getting Schism down for now before I start something new.

Alrighty well, I think I've rambled on enough. I'm excited to see what the rest of this week holds. probably a lot more stress but I'm keeping up with it. This weekend should be really busy with the estate sale, Katharine's coming back into town, work, and I'm sure either Jessika or Connor will want to hang out with me at some point.

peace.

Maybe I'm not even close to being done with math.

Thick fog on the highway last night almost completely froze my windsheild. It made driving really scary and I really hope this doesn't happen to me when I'm driving to school this winter.

Today I'm gonna do a really quick overview of what I've taken again to make sure that I'm graduating after this next quarter. I do this before every quarter to keep track of everything and make sure there's no loopholes that I'm missing. Plus it's sort of nostalgic for me, haha. I also need to think about what I'm gonna take during Spring and Summer to start working on prerequisites for my major.

Communication (13 Credits) 13/13-English 101 with Figueroa, 3.6. 5 credits. Hardest English class I've ever taken, and it seems like FOREVER ago that I took this. Fall 2009.

-Speech Essentials, 3.2. 3 credits. Learned that I really hate speech classes and hate presenting things. Did a bunch of weeaboo presentations on Japanese things. Spring 2010.

-Technical Writing--English 235, 3.9. 5 credits. This one looks really nice on my transfer degree. Winter 2011.

Quantitative/Symbolic Reasoning (5 Credits) 0/5
FINALLY getting this crap done this quarter with CS 102.

Humanities (15 Credits) 15/15

-English 111, 2.5. 5 credits. Some stupid intro to literature class that I took as a highschool requirement for my senior English. Required a ton of reading of boring ass material and the teacher was way too strict. He didn't like my writing, he would get on my case about not getting the symbolism. This class is why I decided not to be an english major. Lowest grade at CBC. Winter 2010.

-ICS 130. Survey of Asian American Culture, 3.2. 5 credits. For a class that could of been fun, this was really boring. Luckily it held my interest enough that I read the material and did the work. The teacher wasn't very nice. Spring 2010. Running Start.

-Japanese 121, 4.0, 5 credits. My first ever Japanese class! Fall 2010. Worked so hard to learn that damn hiragana alphabet, the set phrases, super basic grammar, and about 20 kanji.

Social/Behavioral Sciences 15/15

-Anthropology 100. 3.2, 5 credits. This class was HARD. So much reading!! I bet Michael Kelmel in this class, who's now transfered out of CBC. Liked him for awhile and used to sit next to him before class and play pokemon on DS, haha. I said some stupid crap in this class and I feel sort of embarrissed by it even today. I've hugely become more mature and less obnoxious since then. Fall 2010.

-Sociology 100. 3.3, 5 credits. This class had hard tests, but overall it was really laid back because there were a lot of extra credit opportunities. Jared Johnson was in this class. Fall 2010.

-Psychology 101, 3.7, 5 credits. I was such a dumbass in this class and used to participate way too much because I thought that's how you get a grade in there. I'm pretty sure anyone who had a class with me in there thought I was a complete moron and needed to shut the fuck up. Again, I've matured since then, thank God. I was like the Jaime Vera of the class..... Fall 2009. Running start.

Mathematical/Natural Sciences 15/15

-Nutrition 101, 3.7, 5 credits. Met Shavonne in this class. Learned a LOT in this class, even if it was pretty ridiculously easy. Also met this guy named Taylor Knipp that was awesome. I remember being really disruptive unintentionally once and felt bad. Spring 2010. Running Start.

-Biology 100. 4.0, 5 credits. Totally humiliated myself on the first day, and felt like depressed and HORRIBLE for like 5 days because of it. This was during the time of Wellbutrin, where almost everything I said made me feel like people were staring and laughing at me every time I walked in. The paranoia was too much and I ended up dropped Wellbutrin shortly after. I did well in this class and kicked ass at Jeopardy. Summer 2011.

-Environmental Science, 3.9, 5 credits. Again, humiliated myself. Learned that I need to grow the fuck up. I was a super perfectionist in this class and worked really hard, and did extremely well on every test/assignment. it was a really depressing class though. Winter 2010. Running Start.

Math Proficiency: PASS MATH 98 WITH A 2.0 OR HIGHER. 5/5 credits

DONE. Got an 87% in Math 98. That's like a 3.3. I feel fortunate that the 2.7 that I got in Math 97 will NOT count on my GPA. Fall 2011.

Health/P.E., 3/3

-Fitness Center I, 4.0, 1 credit. I didn't like this class because I had to get gross and sweaty before going back to Ki-Be, so I didn't work out TOO hard. Fall 2009. Running start.

-Fitness Center II, 4.0. Two credits is a LOT of hours. I was in there a LOT. I always worked out with Nathan Ling, and got pretty bulked up unintentionally. Fall 2010.

Electives 24/24

-Music Appreciation, 4.0. 5 credits. I loved Mr. Bourrough's class! Learned so much about music, and spent a lot of time working on homework from other classes during the reallllly long videos where he'd just bail into his office. Great lectures though, loved it. Winter 2010. Running Start.

-Japanese II, 4.0, 5 credits. I remember this class was pretty difficult because we really got into adjective/verb conjugation. I feel like I studied harder in this class than I ever have before. Winter 2011. Didn't have Japanese with Hannah and I missed her. I sat next to Jon Stewart, which was good because he studied as much as I did.

-Drugs and Health, 4.0, 3 credits. Just an easy class that I took to make my credit load 13 instead of 10. Spring 2011. Spring 2011 was probably my easiest quarter because Math 96 was cake and Japanese III wasn't horrendously hard either. I had a LOT of fun that quarter.

-Japanese III, 4.0, 5 credits. The class size weened down to just one big class instead of two, and overall this was the most fun quarter of Japanese. We all got to be pretty close friends in this class, and this was when me and Brad became good friends. I remember going to a bunch of events and things at Brad and Chris's houses. Spring 2011.

-Japanese IV, 4.0 (hopefully), 5 credits. This class was hard because I was so focussed on passing math this last quarter. I had to cram at the last minute a lot, and Hannah had to put up with my less than perfect proficiency. Overall, I still worked really hard though and managed to get great grades on my tests and quizzes. Even kept up with my homework. According to sensee, I'm the best at keeping up with homework in the class which makes me really happy. So technically, credits were done this quarter.

-Jogging I, 4.0, 2 credits. This class drove me CRAZY because the teacher never responded to emails! Actually DID the running though, and got in great shape. Spring 2011.

That being said, all I technically NEED this quarter to get my AA is Visual Basic. I have 90 credits as of this quarter, which is the "at least" value to be able to graduate. I'm not excited to take visual basic at all.

So accounting 201 and Japanese V are just going to go to my business major and Japanese minor.

On the Western Business Degree Requirements:

All students intending to earn a degree in accounting or any area of business (except economics) must complete the foundation courses comprised of ACCT 240, 245; ECON 206, 207; MATH 157; DSCI 205; MGMT 271, or their approved equivalent, with a grade of C- or better.

That being said, in the Spring 2012 and Summer 2012 before I transfer, I really need to choose wisely on what I should take.

IF accounting this Fall goes well, and I don't completely hate it and end up changing my course, I plan on taking Accounting 202 and then 203 in the summer. Math 157 is Calculus with Applications to Business. It requires a prerequisite of Precalculus I. That... looks extremely hard. I honestly don't know if I'd be able to do it which makes me wonder if I'm just wasting my time. Maybe I should look into Finance and Marketing. I don't know. I need to talk to a councilor or something to figure out what I need to do.

I think taking pre-calc during the spring or summer might be a good option for me.I'll think about it more when the time comes.

yours,

Emily