Sunday, February 26, 2012

56. My admitted addiction.

I don't know what I'm going to do. Bronkaid, my personal anti-depressent and study drug that helps me focus for hours on end (thus, the only real reason I get such good  grades) is out of stock everywhere. Apparently people are catching onto this, probably because of it's appetite surpressent properties. This stuff has been my super drug, it's completely allieviated all of the mental struggles that I was facing before, for months, and now I'm afraid it's gone. I'm scared. Scared that it's gone and scared that I'm going to have to deal with my awful lack of focus because of fucking ADHD, depression, anger problems, insomnia, amongst other things. . . I'm a very fucked up person.

For the next week I'm probably going to be cold turkey until I can get in with my doctor, and it's going to be a huge struggle. I'm going to have to take a ton of caffiene pills to stay awake in class.

This is so bad... I really want to get on something called Provigil but it's harder to get than crack. I just want to stay awake during the day and not feel constant lathargy because of my mental insomnia. Bronkaid was the solution to everything that I needed and now that I don't have it I realize how dependent I am on it to maintain this crazy lifestyle of studying for hours and hours on end.

Fuck this shit, I hate living with mental disabilities. People that don't have them don't understand what I'm going through at all. Just because I have enough ambition to do work doesn't mean I don't have to fight it on a day to day basis. I have to fight depression, I have to fight being tired all the time, I have to fight myself.

The past couple months I have felt calm, in control, focussed, and well for the most part.... Happy. Content. For the first time in my whole fucking life I've felt content and haven't had any major mental breakdowns. Now the fear and helplessness that I feel right now because I can't get Bronkaid is setting in because I've been hunting for it for days.

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