Monday, July 8, 2013

meshuggah take me away from this damned place in my mind

Today's been pretty unproductive because I lost my wallet so I couldn't deposit my check or apply to any jobs without my social. I've been feeling quite unmotivated and depressed so I wasn't able to find my wallet but I was lucky enough that my Mom found it in the van so I should be able to get a couple apps done tonight. 

Life has been kind of hard for me lately so I've been sleeping a lot. I didn't end up talking to that guy Eric again. In fact I sent him a text this morning that said "Well I thought it'd be cool to get to know eachother but clearly we're not on the same page, goodbye." No response. I hate texting, it just leaves people hanging. Fuck I shouldn't have let myself feel that happy that night because it's made the past few days even harder. I don't know how I could have prevented myself from it.... He seemed so perfect. I don't know him though, at all. 

My heart just hurts. And my head's been sick with this bad cough... My parents have been mad at me and my car isn't working very well. I hate my job right now. It's just a lot of things have me very sad with my life right now. 

I'm lucky that my feelings have been very numbed by the prozac this summer but I definitely haven't been completely happy. I think the reality is that I will never feel 100% happy until I find someone because it's just impossible to be 100% content with being alone, as much as I try to suppress my emotions in that respect because my soul has been raked over hot coals time and time again that I just don't want to do it anymore....But it's human nature to keep some glimpse of hope there when someone comes around that you really like because they showed interest in you.

There just has to be an end to that pain somewhere. But not today, probably won't be tomorrow, and maybe not for a very long time. I just have to try to make myself as happy with my friends and hobbies as humanly possible, which I do. But there's still a part of me that is very tortured by love, which should be no surprise to anyone with my history.

I'd like to think the reason I have such bad luck is because men are intimidated by my guitar playing or intelligence. These are two things that I thought would help me attract someone but I think it honestly makes it worse. Men hate the risk of being shown up at anything, especially by a girl. Being a male guitarist turns girls on because it can make any douchebag have the confidence of a rockstar. Being a female guitarist.. especially one that plays metal... is just weird. But that's me and I'm happy with myself and I'm willing to wait for someone that appreciates me for me...

I actually haven't listened to metal in awhile because I felt like things in my life were changing but they're really not. I give up, I can't listen to music about love because I can't relate to it, I have to listen to music about primarily death, pain, killing and war because it satisfies an emptiness that manifests in the root of my soul.  For the past few weeks I tried listening to lots of mainstream artists like Beyonce.. I cannot connect with these songs about love at all.

Okay here's something a little less depressing. Sorry guys. You know me I just have to write it out to feel better. 

This weird kid drove up and down my road in his truck about 100 times today for no apparent reason. He was like practicing "peeling out" or something (I think that's what it's called when you whip your vehicle around and try to make noise with it....). It was so strange though. I actually texted Troy C. like "Are you seeing this?" Ha ha ha. He's like "Yeah I have no idea what the f*ck he's doing!!!" 

He kept stopping at random places in the street to take a drink of his waterbottle, wave at someone or check his phone. This is when he stopped in front of our mailboxes. 

Anyway this was really entertaining for me today just because it was funny and pissing my dad off. 


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