Tuesday, March 27, 2012

To Admit to being jealous.

Jealousy is a bitch.

First let me say that I'm very rarely jealous of anyone. When it comes down to it, i'm actually pretty damn confident about my looks in a sense that I can pretty much initially attract most guys because of my huge eyes, physique, etc. But once I get to know them, one of us inevitably loses interest (and I admit, most of the time it's me). Or if I actually AM attracted to them, there's some other circumstance involved. A guy isn't *that* interested in all of me that isn't apparent on the surface. My interest in the Japanese language, maybe they don't like how my friends look, my STRONG personality (I admit, I'm stubborn as fuck).. Or the very worst circumstance, a guy has a girlfriend already, falls for me, but knows that his girlfriend is more likely to stick around than I am. This situation has happened only once, and I still feel terrible about it.. Main reason, though I don't know his girlfriend she seems pretty cool and I wouldn't want anyone to do that to me.

This morning I was scrolling through the facebook wall and say a post made my Jay that said "the stuff I go through to be her man" or something like that. Immediately I was jealous of the fact that someone was oh so good enough to hook Jay, one of the few guys i've been really attracted too in the past year or so. I looked into who she is, and I'm pretty sure I found the right girl. Really nothing special, again. Certainly by main stream society's standards I'm prettier than she is. But she's obviously got *something* (or multiple somethings) that he wants. So I'm envious of whoever he's with right now. Jay is just ridiculously gorgeous, and I'm jealous. There you fucking go.

That's life though. You can't have everything you want.

I think I'm beautiful, now. I look in the mirror and see a girl who has been beaten and pushed down over and over by herself and allowed other people to do it too. I'm intelligent, I've managed to get through a lot of academic barriers that I didn't think I'd be able to do before. I think I have the ability to learn as many languages as I'm willing to take the time for. I think I have a great body, which I've worked so hard for and put so much restraint on myself to obtain. I'm artistic, logical, and now a bit musical if I keep working on it. I no longer take my history of emotions and depression as a determining factor on how I picture myself. I used to do this, thinking that it made me crazy and it made me hate myself.

Yet, there's still a part of me that lets things as petty as this get to me, and I hate it. I think it's silly that I'd even care what he's doing. It's not so much about Jay as it is that I'm a bit angry at myself for allowing myself to experience jealousy.

I've been trying to train myself to completely control my emotions. I will have sessions playing the guitar where I'll start to get really anxious because I want to do things perfectly. I'll try and catch myself and think, "Okay, what is it that i'm so anxious about? I'm just learning, and nobody's listening.." Usually this lets me relax. Writing helps me relax a lot too. After writing this, I no longer feel the pent up emotions from earlier.

I've been listening to Dream Theater this morning. It's almost 1' pm. Today is looking like yesterday, nothing to do really and nobody to talk too... I could always call someone but when I get in moods like this all I'm bound to do is bitch and whine if I'm talking to a girl. Don't get me wrong, I f*cking love talking to my girl friends, they're amazing and I love them, but I don't want to bitch and whine to them right now because it's such a downer. When they bitch to me, I'm always a listening ear, but sometimes I'll actually catch myself getting too into their stories and feeling THEIR emotions and frustrations myself.

Like, when *someone* was describing this girl Saebre and how crazy she is. I'm aware of how crazy she is from many sources to the point that I came up with an entire judgement of her before I met her. Many, many sources. She's like, the new infamous Jessica C. Huge drama starter, and a couple of my friends will rant to be about her. I also know that she posted she was pregnant with her boyfriend Chase, which who knows if it's true, she's claimed to be pregnant a bunch of times...The only difference really is that she's TALENTED. She's one of the best singers to come to ki-be, but everyone seems to hate her.

When I saw her at the gas station, I realized that I had made this immediate judgement of her because of what people have told me and that's a little sad. Now I'm wondering what she's actually like so I can know if she's actually crazy or if people are just jealous of how talented she is. I'll probably never know; i'm not going to go out of my way to talk to her.

What I'm saying is, I need to take what my friends tell me with a grain of salt and know that there's two sides to every story.

Ahh, Jimmy is here. Damn, I was going to try doing a knife hit today. I know that's really trashy, but I'd really like to just get blazed and zone out, forget about all the things that are troubling me today for no apparent reason.Not happening if anyone is here though because it's really stinky. I feel like lately I've been turning to this in most of my spare time at home, because there's been a lot of it since I got out for spring break... maybe I'll be burnt out (oh god, pun) by the time school starts so I won't be tempted to do it as much. The busier I am, the less I smoke, clearly.

I'm hoping Avery, Jimmy and Denae leave but Avery's got cramps so it's not likely.

Today my to-do list is:

-Bring my laundry down and do a load of laundry,

-Play guitar for two hours (I did this yesterday, woo!)

-Read up to page 200 of Memoirs of a Geisha.

-Build another family in my Woodland town on sims.

-Study Japanese for 30 min

Woah, this is just like yesterday.


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