Saturday, March 3, 2012

Tea in hand, I sit here rambling until I feel sane.

I worked for ten hours today.... Eight at Rite Aid, then two at this really lame estate sale that my Dad is working. I really didn't have enough patience to go there today, which I should of expected. My Dad yelled at me about practically everything.

I found some dishes that I'll probably need when I leave, and I set them in a box in the living room. Note that there was already a ton of junk in the living room... Anyway, my dad saw the pans sitting in short open box in the living room, and yelled at me for having it sitting there. I then moved the pans to a plastic tote and placed it by my mom's van in case I wanted to bring anything else out there. My Dad saw this tote as I was hauling in some card tables and started yelling at me that it didn't have a lid on it. So, go and get a lid, put it in my mom's van. He then yelled at me for using the unfilled tote. I'm not going to fill that tote up with junk! I only needed the few pans and the cutting board. Ugh.

Soo after I brought the tables in, I decided to leave. This was the first real work I'd done since i'd gotten there. I asked my mom what I should do and she didn't really have an answer because she was bullshitting with the neighbor and forcing conversation while smoking to cigarette to calm down. She always acts like she's hiding it when me or Avery comes around. I really don't give a rats if she smokes. She works so hard, I can see why she's stressed out. It just makes women look so gross though. But whatever, it's her life, her body.

But yeah, it was just pretty much a big yelling fest. My sister, Denae and my mom were listening to atrocious 99.1 music. I just hate all of it.... all of the upbeat singles that are on the radio right now sound the same. I wish I could post an example but it would require me to google song titles. I'm just too lazy right now..

Can't really say there's anything fun going on with me this weekend. Second weekend in a row I haven't really done anything particularily fun. That's okay though, it's expensive to have fun.... well, with other people anyway. I think tonight I'll just be doing what I like to do. Workout videos, get blazed, play guitar. Seems that's what I do with most of my extra time lately. That's okay though, I consider it quite productive. Better than spending the night browsing youtube or something.

So I bought a box of bronkaid today, and even had one of the pharmacists set another box aside for payday on thursday. The pharmacist told me they'll be taking it off the shelves, and I wouldn't doubt it. Better buy out what I can now and try to use it only on days when I really need it... Nice to actually get some today though. It's sort of a relief to know that I didn't go through any withdrawel symptoms aside from a little lathargy when I suddenly stopped taking it. That being said, if they do take it off the shelves, I won't be too bent up about it. It's a stimulant, but I've got a lot of caffiene to get me through. At least THAT will never go off the shelves.

Me and Alex have pretty much just stopped talking for the most part. I'm bored, he never has anything to say... Sex and physical attraction only goes so far. So I guess that was my first fall through of 2012. I don't consider Alex to be a mistake though, I mean it was sort of nice pretending like we were close for a little while. That and I needed to spend some time with a successful, presentable guy for awhile. Haven't had one of those have any interest in me for a long time. I mean this guy really has his shit together, he has a job, he's cute, nice house, nice body, classy, drives a motorcycle (which is usually a huge bonus for me). But I just don't feel it.. Maybe because when we talk he never really gives anything to the conversation? He just sort of agrees or says one sentence. He'll ask me how I'm doing, and I'll tell him a story or something and he'll just say "huh." ....yeah.

So yeah, efforts were futile. Again. But it's for the best, if it's not going anywhere why bother you know? I can tell he doesn't really give a damn either way.

I'm not currently interested in anyone else. Sometimes I'll think of Jay like he's some fictional fucking character. Like I'll just randomly think of him out of the blue, and my mind shuts it out and I feel guilty for even thinking of him because he clearly doesn't have interest that way. I mean yeah, we made out one night, laid together in my car for a couple hours and sort of had a moment a couple weeks back. But there's NO reason that I should believe it meant anything or should have any sort of feelings for him now. I almost feel mad at myself for even thinking of him at all.

Don't get me wrong, I haven't been lonely or anything at all. In fact I've been very happily numb. Here's a scheme of how everything's going (I feel like writing a lot today to calm down..), in the form of a progress report! haha


School is going fantastic because i'm getting A's in everything I'm doing. I study for hours every day, I've been paying attention really well, yadda ya. I think I talked about this in my last entry. The point still stands though that school is very enjoyable right now with the classes that I'm taking and the people in them. My professors are ALL badass this quarter. I just love Key, he's hilarious and a fantastic teacher. I'm sad he's not teaching Accounting 202 now that I've got his system down, but a change of environment and learning from a female professor might be a good thing. I typically try to get male teachers (especially in a subject like this where getting straight to the point is important), but Wend is my only option either way. The accounting tutor said she's really good, so I'm actually looking forward to next quarter too.

Exercise/Body Image

This is going well enough. I have a tendency to get the munchies when I smoke, so I have to be aware of the snacking and such. For the most part though when I'm completely sober I'm either running around at work or at school where I really don't have any food with me nor so I have any money for the vending machines. So I'm sure the food thing balances out. I am still eating a lot of whole foods. Lots and lots of bread, steamed veggies, beans, soups... I do however love chocolate, and find myself indulging in it a little too much if I'm not cautious.

I've been working out a lot because I discovered workout videos on youtube. It sounds weird but it is SO FUN to do foriegn workout vids. And I mean from all over the world, you're probably assuming I mean Japanese. Actually, a lot of the vids I've been doing are from Europe. I do a lot of standard American workout vids too. I also enjoy doing some of those hilarious high energy 80's workouts too. They're funny as Hell and a lot of them are a very good workout.

I've been very self confident lately. Well, have been since this new year started. It's really given me a new beginning to start making better choices with who I associate myself with and spend my time productively. This new year has also allowed me to put a lot of old things behind me. I've had a lot of closure with people (particularily guys) that I've had past encounters with that ended badly at one time or another. Not having that hanging over my head is very settling.

Acne is rarely a problem anymore because of Differin. That stuff is a miracle and I'm pretty sure I have unlimited refills as long as I'm willing to spend the money on it. It's not like it's taken orally, it's a very expensive face cream... I'm happy I haven't had to go have follow ups with dermatologists. I think a lot of the acne has gone away because of age and my more productive lifestyle. I very rarely stay up past 1 am anymore, because I know that when I do I'm setting myself up to be exausted the next day and it makes whatever I'm doing that late unappealing.

Still going very well. I recently learned how to set it on Songsterr so that I can play with just the bass and drumline, thus I really hear myself. At first, that was sort of hard because when I play along with a recording you can't really hear your mistakes too blatantly and you just keep playing... when you're playing as the main guitar part you can REALLY hear how crappy it sounds when you make a mistake. Soo now, I'm going to try to make it a part of my playing sessions to play *without* any kind of support like the main song itself or the Songsterr MIDI guitar part playing. This should improve my tone a lot. I am still gonna play with the main songs though, it's such a cool feeling to play along with my favorite songs.

That reminds me that I still haven't gotten the System of a Down tattoo yet. I've sort of lost interest in getting one. People take tattoos so lightly. It makes me scared thinking of something perminantly being on my body, yet at the same time I used to give myself scars diliberately so this shouldn't phase me too much, haha.

i give this a B+ because though I've been consistantly spending a lot of time doing this, I still feel like I don't have much to show for it. Just six or so songs that I know all the way through perfectly-- well, near perfectly. That's way more than I've ever been able to do, but I want moreeeee.

This aspect of my life has sort of gone downhill a little bit, but this is probably my fault. I just haven't been spending much time with friends lately.. Haven't seen Lindy in weeks, nor have we texted eachother. I briefly talked to Katelynn yesterday and I imagine we'll spend a little time tomorrow if I'm not too damn exausted after another eight hour shift. Heather I just pretty much gave up with.. if she wants to talk to me again then I'll be 100% down to spend time with her, but we've just flaked on eachother so many times now....

Talked to Katharine for a little while the other day, that was nice to catch up for a little while. We very rarely talk anymore, but I feel comfortable in the fact that we're at an agreement that we're both just fudging busy all the time and that we both know that we care about eachother. It's like that with Katelynn too. I love them both dearly, but we're all very very busy.  

I actually spend the most time with Samantha. I see her about once a week and saw her for a few hours over at Shawn's yesterday. I enjoy the environment at Shawn's house, it's very laid back and relaxing. I just sit and play Nathan's guitar and bullshit with Shawn and whoever else is around the whole time. Samantha obviously enjoys going out there too and likes having a ride, so it's a win-win.

I see Robert like, everywhere, but we never really hang out together anymore. I feel like he thinks of me as an obligation, like ohh man I better hang out with Emily because we haven't hung out in a long time. Instead of yeah, I *want* to go hang out with her. The reason that I say this is because he's really loving his new relationship right now and he's very wrapped up in that, which is awesome. I'm totally happy he's dating Chelsea. He liked her for a LONG time, and it's nice to see someone get who they wanted to be with. Things are just awkward with me and Robert now because we don't really know what to say anymore until we get together and BS one on one. Like if we see eachother randomly at the store (Fred meyers where he works), it's sooo awkward. Today it was awkward too, I was taking out the trash and saw him and Chelsea walking down the road and I said hi. Robert asked what hours I'm working, I was like... uhhh... hahaha. xD It was so awkward and pointless, it was hilarious.

If my life was a report card, I'd be sitting pretty good. Still feeling a little anxious and lonely at times, but it's only when I'm at home, which is rare.


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