Pretty open and shut obvious.

Well today was a really productive, relaxing day up until this evening when I checked my e-mail to see that Jake had gotten back to me.

As expected a couple invoices and warnings had been received through my electrictrictric email but because MSN is a b*tch and for some stupid reason is convinced that I am not really me and won't let me back in I did not receive any of these messages. I did get a call from Andrew a little over a week ago asking me to opt in to an automated payment system. I told my Mom about this and she said she couldn't do that right now and would pay him a little later. I didn't think about it and Jake hadn't mentioned it to me at the beginning of February so I figured we were going to pay him in the second week of February as usual. 

He attached the two warning emails he sent to my currently unusable email. He told me that because of this disruption we're going to discontinue lessons. This hurt me a lot because had I have known it was such an inconvenience of course I would have made more of an effort to get it paid at the first of the month. 

I feel really forsaken and sad. I was really starting to improve at Turkish March and was excited envisioning how incredible it would sound by the recital in May. Now that this has happened I feel even more determined to learn it but disappointed that I won't have a recital to perform it at. Now I guess it's up to me to sign up for open mic nights and things like that if I want to perform. 

Jake taught me so much... In a lot of ways he's helped me build the confidence to get where I am today. I can't thank him enough for how much I've improved on the guitar, time management, and coping with life. The thought of no longer having that mentor in my life was what broke me down today most of all. But maybe it's time. Maybe I've gotten all out of lessons with Jake that I can. 

Plus I still have of the material he's sent me over the passed couple years. Some of it I had no use for a year ago but I bet I could crack it now. I can continue to improve without taking lessons for awhile and eventually move on to a new teacher. 

I did send one final plea earlier to try to resolve this but I know deep down it's time to accept that it's over, not only because I know how Jake is when he makes up his mind about something but because I know that there's more to this than what's on the surface. I know it bothers his girlfriend that we talk at all-- I mean I can see why, I'm gorgeous, intelligent, talented musician and physically fit. And nice. Finding a girl that likes metal is cool but one that plays metal is like finding a f*cking unicorn. But I have zero interest in Jacob romantically and have never flirted or anything like that. I really wanted to befriend his girlfriend from day 1 because I wanted her to be able to see my character and that I would not go there. (But I think seeing my character somehow made her hate me more, ha ha ha... )

Whatever happens, happens. All I know is I'm going to sleep well tonight because I did a good job finishing my management assignment early and tomorrow I've got my favorite class. I think I should also try to meet up with Sipic if I can get up early enough. He said he's got a plan to squeeze in a business minor with my economics degree-- I think it means I've gotta take some supply chain in the Fall... easy!

"Back straight, eyes forward, shoulders back."
My mom told me this is how you walk with confidence and should do so all the time.
I've been reminding myself to do this all week to improve posture and hopefully after awhile it will be second nature.

peace. 

Biggest party of the year.... ((Radcon 2014))

Damn, it's been a week. I've certainly got a lot to say. *That being said this could be quite long.

That being said I'll start with today and go backwards. Radcon was good, as was valentines day and I'd like to leave on a good note. I've got a few pictures from the con that didn't make the cut on my facebook but I'll show you here as well.

Today has been pretty crappy for a number of reasons. When I came back from home in B.C. I brought a bottle of Monarch vodka (really cheap, shitty stuff.. and I'm not even a vodka fan), you know, for the occasional boring night. Yesterday happened to be one of those days after completing an econ exam and having no homework. I took a couple shots of it while I snacked around the house and then I biked to the gym. There I worked out for a couple hours before returning to cook dinner (because of course I was starving after working out) and went over to my neighbors house around 9. There I hung out and drank a little more, apparently enough to make me pretty hungover this morning.

It's funny I thought for a minute I was impervious to hangovers but obviously cheap liquor and I don't mix. Also I know it probably doesn't look great for me to be drinking on a wednesday night, but for those of you that don't know I don't have classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays this quarter which is giving me way too much spare time. I've just gotta keep applying to jobs. I checked a Subway that my friend Kate told me she knew the manager of and said she thinks they'd be hiring. The manager said they weren't and didn't know Kate so I'm wondering if she meant a different one in town.

Another reason today was hard was that Jacob wasn't online for our lesson again. Last week I figured he was having problems with Skype, but I've seen him online throughout this week so now I'm wondering if something else is going on. Last week I posted a status that said: "Here's to another f*ck valentines day!" and Jake's girlfriend immediately commented "I love valentines day : )" (like "I have a boyfriend on valentines day and you don't, ha ha") I kind of cracked up because my friend Brad "liked" it,  it was so snide and obvious. Anyway I ignored it and didn't think anything of it really. Come to find out today she deleted me on facebook (fine, whatever I don't really know you anyway)..... but then Jake doesn't show up for my lesson? I'm hoping to God the two events have nothing to do with eachother, and knowing Jake there is a reasonable explanation.

Okay let's move onto a happier subject, shall we? Radcon. Sunday and Monday aren't really worth talking about much because they were mainly spent recovering from this event. Luckily Monday was presidents day so I didn't have class. Sh*t this quarter has enabled me to have too much fun. Partying this weekend did come with a price, though.. I didn't do well on a recent management assignment because I slept in too late on Monday and I'm starting to wonder what I'm getting in that class. I need to buckle down and finish strong so I don't end up with some "C" on my report card.

I tried calling Johnathan when I got to the con but he wasn't picking up his phone. I was running sort of late (got there at around 5:30 pm when I'd originally planned to be there at 2... ha ha that day I'd slept in at Connor's house until 1) but my mom helped me get ready and looking pretty fabulous. My Batgirl costume was a hit and I was getting compliments from strangers immediately. 

My evening at the con started out at the Grizzly Bar (being 22 and old enough to drink at the con for the first time that's a big shocker, right..?). I hadn't planned on spending almost all of my money within the first couple hours but the entry pass was $40 and I had to put $20 in my tank. With $40 for the rest of the event I figured it'd be a bad idea to blow the better half of $10 on a fancy mixed drink so I ordered a beer on tap. It wasn't long before a guy dressed as darth vador walked up and started talking to me. 

He turned out to be a friend of Kate R. so I joined their table and had a great time catching up with her. Kate is a really sweet, positive person in my life. She's one of the few girls I can say really trust and has been chill with me since day 1 back in highschool. Her friend bought us a couple rounds of beers, that was really nice! 

Shortly after leaving the bar I saw my regular radcon crew. I say this because we usually hang out and dance together every year. Rhiannon and I would always do a lot of mingling with people and I was always keeping an eye out for Jay. Jay wasn't there this year but I did see his friend Griffin and a lot of the other people I knew from CBC back in 2010. Jay wasn't on my mind at all this year, that time we spent together this summer was a dud and that was the end of it for us. 

Rhiannon and I didn't hang out this year as much as previous years, I was more all over the place and didn't stick with one group of people for long. We did all dance together at the rave though, that was a good time. The DJ didn't many radio songs, it was more techno remixes. I danced and twerked my ass off, I was there to have fun and had a good buzz going. Dancing for a few hours kind of took that buzz away though and around 1:45 am I was ready for a shower and lay down. 

I got to the room and there was a TON of people in there... I was like wooah and was looking for a place to change. I moved my stuff under the sink and started pulling a change of clothes out when Zach's brother and a tramp push passed me to have sex in the bathroom. I ending up changing clothes in the closet. You know me, I hate wet, yucky clothes and I didn't want to change where anyone could see me. Afterward I began the difficult process of removing my eyemakeup that was practically glued on while I overheard the chaos in the bathroom continue. 

I went back into the main room where there was still drinking and a couple guys doing tabs. I'm like uhh, is this a smoking room? They were asked to leave pretty shortly after. There was another guy that stayed in our room not pictured here that was really pissed off about the people  that came to our room and kept on cursing and going on about it over and over so finally I'm like "Shut up dude, who cares they're gone!" He had this sort of "wiseguy" attitude about him and I thought he was a complete idiot. 

I was lucky I came in when I did and didn't stay until the end of the rave because I was able to claim a bed. At this point John and Andrew's brother were completely drunk, passed out on the next bed. I claimed the spot on the bed next to John's friend Zach and I'm so glad I did because of course nobody brought extra bedding. Poor Andrew did not have a comfortable night. Red Lions beds are fabulous, they're like sleeping on a marshmallow. 

Before bed some of us that were still up went downstairs to get pie at 3:14 am (3.14, pie, get it..? hehe...). I love cherry pie, it was delish. Great ending to a great night. 

Sunday morning I was able to pick out a neat snake necklace from my favorite jewelry vendor-- I think Black Cat Jewelry and Crafts is the name of the vendor. Anyway they have a load of cool necklaces to pick from and I've made it a tradition to buy one every year. Last year I got that celtic cross which I realized was way too masculine and pagan looking after wearing it out a few times. This year I got this beautiful, elegant snake. I'll have to get a picture wearing it one of these days. 

And last but not least how I spent valentines day. Hot tubbing and watching the Matrix with one of my  best buddies. I wouldn't want it any other way, bah haha....

peace. 

To Admit to being jealous.

Jealousy is a bitch.

First let me say that I'm very rarely jealous of anyone. When it comes down to it, i'm actually pretty damn confident about my looks in a sense that I can pretty much initially attract most guys because of my huge eyes, physique, etc. But once I get to know them, one of us inevitably loses interest (and I admit, most of the time it's me). Or if I actually AM attracted to them, there's some other circumstance involved. A guy isn't *that* interested in all of me that isn't apparent on the surface. My interest in the Japanese language, maybe they don't like how my friends look, my STRONG personality (I admit, I'm stubborn as fuck).. Or the very worst circumstance, a guy has a girlfriend already, falls for me, but knows that his girlfriend is more likely to stick around than I am. This situation has happened only once, and I still feel terrible about it.. Main reason, though I don't know his girlfriend she seems pretty cool and I wouldn't want anyone to do that to me.

This morning I was scrolling through the facebook wall and say a post made my Jay that said "the stuff I go through to be her man" or something like that. Immediately I was jealous of the fact that someone was oh so good enough to hook Jay, one of the few guys i've been really attracted too in the past year or so. I looked into who she is, and I'm pretty sure I found the right girl. Really nothing special, again. Certainly by main stream society's standards I'm prettier than she is. But she's obviously got *something* (or multiple somethings) that he wants. So I'm envious of whoever he's with right now. Jay is just ridiculously gorgeous, and I'm jealous. There you fucking go.

That's life though. You can't have everything you want.

I think I'm beautiful, now. I look in the mirror and see a girl who has been beaten and pushed down over and over by herself and allowed other people to do it too. I'm intelligent, I've managed to get through a lot of academic barriers that I didn't think I'd be able to do before. I think I have the ability to learn as many languages as I'm willing to take the time for. I think I have a great body, which I've worked so hard for and put so much restraint on myself to obtain. I'm artistic, logical, and now a bit musical if I keep working on it. I no longer take my history of emotions and depression as a determining factor on how I picture myself. I used to do this, thinking that it made me crazy and it made me hate myself.

Yet, there's still a part of me that lets things as petty as this get to me, and I hate it. I think it's silly that I'd even care what he's doing. It's not so much about Jay as it is that I'm a bit angry at myself for allowing myself to experience jealousy.

I've been trying to train myself to completely control my emotions. I will have sessions playing the guitar where I'll start to get really anxious because I want to do things perfectly. I'll try and catch myself and think, "Okay, what is it that i'm so anxious about? I'm just learning, and nobody's listening.." Usually this lets me relax. Writing helps me relax a lot too. After writing this, I no longer feel the pent up emotions from earlier.

I've been listening to Dream Theater this morning. It's almost 1' pm. Today is looking like yesterday, nothing to do really and nobody to talk too... I could always call someone but when I get in moods like this all I'm bound to do is bitch and whine if I'm talking to a girl. Don't get me wrong, I f*cking love talking to my girl friends, they're amazing and I love them, but I don't want to bitch and whine to them right now because it's such a downer. When they bitch to me, I'm always a listening ear, but sometimes I'll actually catch myself getting too into their stories and feeling THEIR emotions and frustrations myself.

Like, when *someone* was describing this girl Saebre and how crazy she is. I'm aware of how crazy she is from many sources to the point that I came up with an entire judgement of her before I met her. Many, many sources. She's like, the new infamous Jessica C. Huge drama starter, and a couple of my friends will rant to be about her. I also know that she posted she was pregnant with her boyfriend Chase, which who knows if it's true, she's claimed to be pregnant a bunch of times...The only difference really is that she's TALENTED. She's one of the best singers to come to ki-be, but everyone seems to hate her.

When I saw her at the gas station, I realized that I had made this immediate judgement of her because of what people have told me and that's a little sad. Now I'm wondering what she's actually like so I can know if she's actually crazy or if people are just jealous of how talented she is. I'll probably never know; i'm not going to go out of my way to talk to her.

What I'm saying is, I need to take what my friends tell me with a grain of salt and know that there's two sides to every story.

Ahh, Jimmy is here. Damn, I was going to try doing a knife hit today. I know that's really trashy, but I'd really like to just get blazed and zone out, forget about all the things that are troubling me today for no apparent reason.Not happening if anyone is here though because it's really stinky. I feel like lately I've been turning to this in most of my spare time at home, because there's been a lot of it since I got out for spring break... maybe I'll be burnt out (oh god, pun) by the time school starts so I won't be tempted to do it as much. The busier I am, the less I smoke, clearly.

I'm hoping Avery, Jimmy and Denae leave but Avery's got cramps so it's not likely.

Today my to-do list is:

-Bring my laundry down and do a load of laundry,

-Play guitar for two hours (I did this yesterday, woo!)

-Read up to page 200 of Memoirs of a Geisha.

-Build another family in my Woodland town on sims.

-Study Japanese for 30 min

Woah, this is just like yesterday.

peace.