Tuesday, February 28, 2012

58. Shouldn't planning to leave be more exciting?

Why does this feel more to me like prison than anything exciting?

I'm afraid that in this application I seem way too stuck up about things, but I answered as truthfully as I could. I want to have fun while I'm up there but at the same time I can't have a super annoying bitch for a roomate that's always having people come in and out. I applied for a Japanese roomate, too.

I really, really hope I get into Buchanen Towers. Reason being, I absolutely need a kitchenette for my orthorexia. If I don't have one, I'll be pretty miserable having to go to some public kitchen thing and have to wait in line to use a microwave....

Idk this whole thing just sounds like prison, I'm not excited to go at all. I don't know if it's just how much it's going to cost that stresses me out or the fact that I've never even gotten the opportunity to go to the campus. That and I have no "connections" or friends up there, and I'm really paranoid about being on my own. My mom has somehow really taken the air out of this whole thing by being so gung ho about college but in reality I see how fucked up the system is. It's extremely expensive and they're going to expect me to declare my major right after the first quarter. My dad is all pissed off that I want to continue to take accounting courses at cbc until I leave but I need to make sure I'm good at this before jumping into some business major that I may or may not do well in.

I just wish I knew for sure what I wanted to do. I know what I enjoy doing and I know what will make me more money. Money is the number one priority but at the same time I don't want to be miserable in my profession. All I really know is what I don't want to do... Still. I don't like anything science or medical. That eliminates a lot. I don't think I have the mental capacity to memorize all that's required for law, though I love learning about criminals I wouldn't want their lives in my hands. I know I can't major in Japanese, because unless I want to live in Japan the rest of my life that's pretty much unemployable. I don't want to take the easy way out with some psychology degree or something because there's no jobs in that. all that being said, business is my only option, and accounting seems to click well enough. It's just really boring.

BUT better be stuck in a boring job and make good money than have a lame degree that can't get me a job and have hardly any money. That to me is a nightmare. The worst, WORST case scenario is being financially dependent on a man, and this is my only way to make sure that it never happens. This is literally my worst nightmare. I see these pathetic ass women that rely on their husbands financially and because of it stay in abusive relationships. The way that my luck has been with relationships, I want to make sure that I always have the option to divorce and still take care of my kids and give them everything they need. hell, that is if I even get married someday.

Yeah, I'm in a bad mood and feel like crying for some reason. I always feel super sick and overwhelmed when I think about leaving it doesn't excite me much at all. For awhile there I was EXTREMELY ready to get out of the tri cities, and I'm not saying I'm not... but the idea of moving to some cold ass place that i've never been before scares me. I'm afraid of losing the familiarity and comfort of my friends and my routines. I'm also very afraid of not having my parents to come rescue me when my car finally blows up and I'm stuck by the side of a highway somewhere. I'm afraid of paying bills and being broke all the time. I'm afraid my job won't transfer. I'm afraid my professors will be extremely hard and I won't do nearly as well as I'm doing here.

There's just a lot on my mind and on my plate right now.... I'm gonna smoke some good herb and play guitar.


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