Friday, September 9, 2011

I'm such a homebody when there's no school or work. 204. Cumpulsive eating disorder.

Good news. Accomplished what I needed to get done today. I went to Rite Aid and delivered my schedule, and this upcoming Monday I have my first day of work. Today's friday... which means still a few days of boredom and trying to keep myself busy. I've got plans to meet up with a bunch of friends and play kickball on Sunday, though, that should be pretty fun. I have school on the 19th.... ten more days. And 204 more days until April Fools Day. Lol, yes, I'm going to keep track of that too.

You know, I have been thinking, I put so much effort into counting the number of days before certain events occur, that maybe I'm not making the most of TODAY because I'm thinking too much about what the future holds. However, when I make plans like this, I know how to manage my finances, and what to prepare for. It also gives me an estimate of how much I should study each day to prepare for things. For instance, a teacher will give us a reminder that there's a test in five days or something, then I'll study little by little each day and then when that day finally comes, do some final cramming.

..But by doing this, I'm probably not making the most of my life. Of course I've always been like this, I don't tend to relax and enjoy the "moment," but instead am too busy thinking about what and where things are going.

I haven't been eating very healthy lately. Like today I ate a bowl of cereal with milk, and then for lunch I had some mashed potatos with leftover steak pieces from last night, and had a couple handfuls of chips throughout the day. That is BAD. I shouldn't be eating chips at ALL but they are in my house so I've been eating them when I'm hungry. Like literally, my mom went and bought "food" last night and all that she bought was tortilla chips, sunchips, a Hershey's bar with almonds (which pisses me off because i couldn't resist that), A PIE... Then the cupboards aren't that better, there's all these unhealthy snacks that I can't even fathom eating because I'll feel like shit after I do and then I force myself to exercise for an hour or so afterward just to burn off the calories of the bad stuff that I ate.

It's a nightmare. It's like, all the junk food in my house DRIVES me to being anorexic. I'm thankful though, I called my mom and asked her if I could go grocery shop and she said she'd love for me to do that. I'm sure she knows how miserable I am... I watch my diet and my weight like a fucking hawk. I walked out in the living room, bitching about it, and my sister who was sitting on the couch eating from a bag of Funyuns goes, "I don't know why you'd think I care." Because she shouldn't care. Because she never gains weight. But I do.

I don't want to be fat.
I don't want to be fat.
I'd fucking hate being fat.

I don't think people realize my eating obsessiveness and cumpulsive behavior besides my family. They don't seem to understand it. But honestly, it's one of my biggest fears. All of my genes come from my dad's side. Practically everyone in his family are considered overweight or obese, and the only reason my dad doesn't weigh 300 pounds is because he works out all the time when he's outside working and never sleeps. My sister on the other hand looks nothing like my dad's side, and got genes from my mom's side. Almost everyone in my mom's side is really thin, beautiful, and has California skin that freckles and tans easily. My sister doesn't tan much but she definately got my mom's skin in the sense that it's sort of dry.

don't get me wrong, I'm actually thankful for getting my dad's genes. There are some BEAUTIFUL features that I got from his side. Some people on my Dad's side have big eyes, which we got from my Grandpa walt. My Aunt Terry, cousin Graham and cousin Rachel have them too. I also got a button nose, which is another feature on my dad's side. My dad has one too. My sister has a somewhat pointy nose that she got from my mom. I also got the "heart shaped" face from my Dad's side, which my aunt terry has too. And soft skin, too. And if I have sons one day, they won't bald because my Dad has thick hair and hasn't balded (and probably won't. He's almost 50 now.) That being said I'm not down on myself about the genes that I DID get, because there's many good ones, but I know that I gain weight super easily and so I have to obsess on it every day.

I'm thinking about what I need to get... I haven't gone grocery shopping in ages or had a say in what my parents have been buying (haven't gone grocery shopping with my mom), so it's junk food Hell. I'm going to have to buy a lot.
-Fat free milk
-Whole wheat bread
-Fresh greens to make salads
-Frozen vegetables, canned vegetables
-Healthy canned soup. i've been craving tomato for some reason.
-Green tea that doesn't taste like crap (because what i'm using now does)
-Frozen turkey breast
-Healthy lunchmeat
-Whole wheat crackers
-Pad Thai
-Canned bean sprouts
...And whatever other healthy food sounds good.

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