Friday, September 2, 2011

Crankiness because I quit smoking.

I think I'd rather die young than life my entire life miserable.
I have to make a change in my thought process and somehow teach myself to enjoy things, but I don't know how because I've been miserable for so long.

Ever since I've decided to completely stop smoking pot I've been cranky all the time. I've tried to be nicer, friendlier, be possitive, whatever... but it always falls back into me being a complete bitch. I feel like when I TRY to be nice it's fake unless I'm with someone I actually like, which doesn't seem to be many people. This morning I freaked out on my parents for something they were entirely right on, and screamed at my mom that I was surprised she hasn't gotten fired yet because she gossips around the entire school. This struck a nerve apparently, and she threatened to kick my ass. lmfao!! Like my mom could kick my ass. I left to my job interview in Burbank feeling very violent and pissed off. Seriously, if someone gave me a bad look I would of punched them in the face today. Well, maybe THAT'S all talk because I desperately need a job and some income but yeah, I was pissed, and if my mom would of struck me first, I would of probably went on a rampage.

I've got to change this... I wish Wellbutrin had worked, terribly. This NOT being on anti-depressents thing isn't working very well for me. I feel pretty empty without it. But I'm scared to get on any new drugs because of weight gain. My anger and anxiety go hand and hand, prodominantly because of my own insecurities. It's sad,because I feel like when I'm an adult and look back on my teenage years I'm going to think of how miserable it was and why I couldn't just be happy. I hope that someday I'll be happy.

It's funny because sometimes I look back on my childhood and see the same thing. I see a very miserable, self hating child that never could relax or have fun. Granted, I still can't relax. And when I do have fun or enjoy my time it's very short lived and I get miserable again. I think lately it's been very bad because I've been at home, feeling slightly worthless. Today I went to my job interview and she said that she'd get ahold of me in a week. Rite Aid still hasn't gotten my background check. This means that I'm going to be broke for another week. I hate being broke so much, it's a nightmare for me.

I think, once again, I'm going to look at what makes me happy as of now.
Things that make me happy lately: 

1. Money, obviously. Money can buy clothes, makeup, sushi, healthy food; all the stuff I like and need to buy myself.

2. Being skinny. I've been putting on weight lately even though I've been exercising more than I ever have. I've been walking 2-3 miles a day if possible whenever i'm with friends, doing DDR, AND pilates. If I continue to exercise an hour or so a day and watch what I eat every day, I don't get too worried about it. Because my mom got rid of the scale in the bathroom, I've been more stressed out about it than ever.  i'm going to buy a new scale.
3. Getting better at Japanese. I still love learning the language and it's like a healthy outlet for me. It makes me feel accomplished getting better at it. So, I should study 2 hours a day until school starts. And an hour a day once school does start.

4. Getting better at the guitar. I actually HAVE gotten better since I've started playing almost every day. It's just hard to maintain the momentum. I'll keep trying an hour a day.

5. Not getting acne. I get it pretty bad at times. Mostly from lack of sleep. I need to start going to bed at about 10:30 pm instead of 2 am every night...

6. Not being home. Of course it's not possible to not be at home all the time until I move out, I've found that I get more angry when I'm around my parents and sister, and even if I'm in a great mood it can turn to anger around them almost immediately. That being said, even when I am home I need to stay away from my parents and sister as much as possible and try to do housework so that they leave me alone and have no reason to bother me.

woo. I gotta go, I'm gonna clean.


1 comment:

  1. Hi. I like those bands in your favorite music. Have a nice weekend.


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