Wednesday, April 13, 2011

私はかんじをだいきらい... And a spontanious confession.

No phone, damn.

Tonight, right after I get done with this blog entry, I am going to spend two hours studying kanji. Because I need it, so bad. I realized this today when I had to look up practically every kanji... even 飲む, one that I knew a couple months ago but forgot it. My vocab skills and grammar is top notch from studying it so much  because thus far that's whats been prodominantly graded.

...But I am really trying to learn this language, and I've studied my ass off, but if I go to Japan kanji is everywhere and I at least want to know enough kanji to get around. My speaking skills at this point overall is pretty limited, yet the more I listen to Japanese the more I seem to understand and put two and two together based on what i've learned. It's exciting. Going to tutoring center every day has helped a lot.

Kanji is just piling on every single day, and I need to crack down more on it or I am going to be in a world of hurt when Sensee starts grading based on kanji use that we should know on homework and tests.

It's 8:00 pm, and today I basically went to school, went to japanese tutoring, drew in the Atrium, and came home. Then I ran a couple miles... Then I ate some microwave burritos for dinner.

Wouldn't it just suck if that's how lame my blog entries were every day? Ha ha. Usually this is why I just rant or talk about my feelings in my blog instead of talking specifically about my day, because oftentimes it's quite boring-- or not. I often experience things that I think "Man, I should blog about this.." but then forget.

rock is usually my first choice.

Today we actually tried playing rock paper sissors in japanese. Hannah was a champ, immediately, because she has a game just like it in korea. I didn't really get the game (it's not much like the one we have here in the United States), so I didn't really play. Hannah played with Gladys and sensee, though most people in the class were so confused.

Speaking of people in there, the system of a down concert is coming up and Sean said he thinks he should be able to go... but he's not making any promisses. If he can't, I'm going to buy the ticket from him and bring another friend. I can't go alone, but I have to go. and somebody might get to go to the concert free if Sean bails. Still, it'd be really cool if Sean could go, and then Katelynn/Jon could go to seattle with us for Jon's bday. They're not intending on going to the concert though because tickets are sold out...

In other news...

My transition between wellbutrin and paxil is nearly completed, though recently i've been feeling panicy and stressed. But there really is no point to it. I don't know why these thoughts haunt me and catch me off guard at times. My fears, my worries, my anxieties. But worrying is pointless. I just want to relax. It's so hard for me to relax. I think they've gotten worse though because of this transitional period. God forbid, I took paxil for 5 years, it's gonna take time to get it out of my system. Writing helps me though, I love this blog...

Someone in my family is very depressed, and it's very depressing to see him sad.

I really truly hate my dad's side of the family now. I do. Some say you can never hate your own family, but I'd beg to differ at this point. What they've done is disgusting. And I never want to see them again. Ever. Whats been done is done, and I can never forgive them for it. I will never be able to look my uncle Ty in the eyes. He's a dillusional puke, and I honestly think he's dangerous because he's mental. They are all acting like what has happened is normal, and it's as if they're trying to just put it out of their heads now and move on with their senseless lives. The most hilarious thing about this is that they're mormon, who are supposed to make family one of their highest priorities. But we're not mormon, so we've always been sort of outcasts in the family anyways.

My Grandma was never too interested in what me and Avery were doing, but would go on and on about my cousins about how fantastic they are. My aunt is simply playing along with this cherade because she doesn't want to take care of my Grandma. Because she knows that if Ty looses his "power" in taking over the farm, he's going to have a complete meltdown and could potentially stop taking care of my Grandma. So then my aunt would have to step in. She tells me that I don't understand what is going on, but I do. My dad was cut from the farm because Grandma and Ty wanted a bigger chunk of the money, though neither of them particularily deserved it because my dad does all the work. However, my Dad was HAPPY to break it into thirds. My grandma and uncle accused my parents of stealing, and Ty has essentially told my dad to get his stuff off the property because he's no longer "welcome there" and my grandma just sat through it, acting like she couldn't even hear it. Disgusting.

I no longer wanted to be associated with them, so I deleted all of them from my list of relatives and blocked them. I kept Traci up though (and has been the only person I've been in contact with since the fiasco) because she was not involved in this situation, and can actually admit to the fact that this is bullshit. Yes, she has her problems. I have my problems too, everyone has problems. But in living with Ty who told her to "Go kill yourself, we're all waiting for you to do it," I'm just happy she's not living there anymore.

These sick people I no longer consider family (excluding Traci). The only people that I consider family is my mom's side, and someday I hope to live closer to them. I haven't seen them in two years, and my cousins Aiden and Zoe look so much older now, and we've never even gotten to spend time with them. The only reason that my parents started living in Washington in the first place is because of this farm, and now that we're still living in Benton city my family feels extremely isolated because my dad's entire life has completely turned upside down. But I wouldn't want to leave Washington, obviously, it's my home. And if I didn't grow up here I wouldn't know Katelynn and Katharine. And I think my shitty overall experience in benton city has made me a stronger and more intelligent person in the long run.

Shit, where did that come from.


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