Wednesday, April 20, 2011

The worst 4/20 ever. I regret what I eat every day.

Wow, I'm having a horrible fucking day.

It's been shitty since the time I woke up and continues to be shitty. It's another one of those days when I look in the mirror and go, "You're ugly, worthless, lazy and I fucking hate you and you should really just go kill yourself."

My computer is broken, which is expected because that picture is a piece of shit and has been breaking since day one. This is bad though because it has all of my old college documents, as well as my music on it. It also had my giagantic completely custom made sims town that never got uploaded anywhere so that entire work of art that I've put hundreds of hours into is gone. I won't be able to charge my Zune without completely clearing the software, and don't have CDs for most of it.

I brought up the computer being broken to my mom, and she said that she has seen NO EFFORT in going out and finding a job. Well, after turning in about 25 applications and not getting a call back, you can't blame me. Ebay is not making any money for me because my dad doesn't know how to transfer money to my credit card and wants to get me a stupid paypal card with the money I make... I don't WANT  a paypal card. Nothing I ever buy takes paypal. I buy gasoline, and nessesities, and occasionally coffee. Period. Haven't bought any clothes in months because I'm frugal and know that I won't have a job for a long time.

So I have to submit more applications... And probably not get any calls back again. It's all luck. I have no luck, at all. I have no confidence and social anxiety so picking up the phone and actually calling a hiring manager is about as hard as swallowing wet dog food. My mom doesn't understand how hard this is for me, at all.

I need to go run, I ate two piece of pizza and did some pilates but I know that didn't even scrape the amount of calories I consumed. I get so fucking scared any time I eat anything that's bad for me and I know it is. Because I know that I might have thyroid problems which leaves me no leeway and that if I eat bad I'll gain weight really fucking fast. Today I ate a snickers bar at school because I forgot to pack a lunch and then ate PIZZA, I ATE SNICKERS AND PIZZA. WHY THE HELL WOULD I EAT THAT?! DO I WANT TO BECOME A COMPLETE FAT FUCK?

I'm going to go run after I finish this entry. I'm not going to eat anything else tonight. I don't deserve to eat.


1 comment:

  1. First things first: YOU ARE NOT FAT! Not even overweight! You are completely normal for your height and age.

    Secondly, remember that the food you consume also supports your daily organ functions, as well as everything else you do. If you don't eat, your metabolism slows down, so that when you do eat (because your body has been trained to not eat) it will stay slow so it can get the most nutrients out of that food since it's unsure when you will eat again. Breathing, walking, talking, digesting food, every motion/action *even blinking!* that you body does burns calories. That's not to say don't run, because we all eat extra calories; nobody eats the exact number of calories they need to survive--you're not LIVING that way, you're just EXISTING. Life is short--LIVE iT!

    Third, eat when you are hungry! It's hard to determine this at first, but I'm sure you know by now when you're hungry and when it's just appetite. I think I've read in your blog before that you usually like to eat smaller, more frequent meals throughout the day, which is good. That's the best way to eat.

    Don't ever say you don't deserve to eat. Food also helps brain function and repairs muscle tissue that gets tiny tears when you workout. You need the nutrients in food to help repair that. You already eat fairly healthy. Two piece of pizza and a snickers once a month, or even once every two weeks isn't going to make any difference in your weight.


Let's avoid being rude and nasty, thanks