you don't even know crazy!! ..Recital in TWO days.

"You're soo crazy but at least you have a good attitude about when people tell it to you...." -Jake. 

Pfft whatever, I've been watching Intervention for days, you don't even know crazy until you've seen people on Crystal meth. This is from one of my favorite episodes, Christy. I'll talk more about intervention another time. Honestly it's my favorite thing to watch when I'm practicing.

Good lesson today. Jacob told me that I need to work on pages 2 and 3 of Invention tonight until the concert and strive to hit 15 hours as a goal before that point. That's five hours a day. I'm going to take the challenge because to be honest the recital is all I've had my mind on in days and if that's how long he thinks it'll take to get perfect I'll trust him. Can't remember the last time I played three hours a day, let alone 5.......

It's not about the time necessarily as much as it is perfection. Perfection is absolutely necessary -- you need to be fully confident in what you're playing because in order to have any sort of showmanship you must appear relaxed and play it effortlessly and flawlessly. 

Right now I'd say Invention is 90% completed.... And I have only the rest of this evening, tomorrow between when I wake up and 4:30 pm, and then Saturday from the time I wake up to 2 pm....

I've thought about who sent me the flowers yesterday and I think I now have a solid idea... just because of the anonymity, the fact that the note didn't say "Sorry" or anything in particular (the person I'm thinking of isn't that expressive of his feelings), the fact that it was sent to 9th street and not my house.... Damn if that is true and it is who I think it is I'd be pretty surprised because it doesn't seem like him at all-- which is why I'm keeping an open mind that it could be some completely unexpected person that out of the blue wanted to show their affection toward me, ha ha ha ha.... Yeah that's a slightly nerve wrecking thought.

peace. 

The Wtf Flowers.

So get this.... weirdest a** thing happened today.

My mom got a text with a typo saying "Avery got some flowers..." down at 9th street. My mom went down and picked them up and we were surprised that they were actually addressed to me. So we opened them up, got these beautiful flowers.. absolutely no hints as to who they're from. 

I'm really flattered.... and confused. I posted a picture of them on facebook to say thank you to whoever sent them but haven't gotten any leads. I'm not going to get nosey about it. I've been thinking of the guys I've talked to over the past couple months and can't think of anyone that would do this. 

Anyway that's been fun to wonder about today I suppose. Other than that I've just been practicing, had bomb Mexican food for lunch today and still sewing that iron maiden patch on. Super wired on this energy drink called Xs Energy drink..... Sick of practicing invention but too nervous for the recital to practice anything else.

peace.

F**k it we don't have to be friends... Trust.

Hmm, that was quite a blogging hiatus. I'd mean to sit down and write a few times this week but would always have too much to do to really think about it.

Right now is my first real breath of fresh air after a five day, eight hour work streak.... That's forty hours... I am working full time at JCpenney this summer, what the Hell man. Ugh makes me excited for school to start. I'm hungry for new information and feel guilty that I was unable to read After the Music Stopped as much as I'd liked too this month.. With back to school season at work I've been working so much that it's difficult to find the discipline to sit down and read for recreation....

I've barely had the energy to adequately practice for my recital on the 31st. I've been using Jacob's practice methods this week where I have been taking quick rests in between practice increments and it seems to be working.... But will it be enough, in three days. I will work extremely hard on my days off to feel confident enough to play the entire piece by memory.

Katelynn and I are no longer friends. This time for good. The other night I went over to her friend Zach's apartment and I got a very cold vibe from her all night. I'll back up....

Right before guitar lessons I'd gotten a text from Katelynn asking what I was doing that night and I responded "nothing : )" and was just excited to spend time with her. I'd had a hell of a week, between my uncle Robert dying (his birthday is today), then Jay completely cutting contact which I had already somewhat anticipated from the beginning because of how he is.

**Note: I have no hard feelings for Jay. Now that this is said and done I realize this is the best thing he probably could have done because he's probably going to start working in Oregon. Ellensburg is further away from Oregon then the tri... He works hard enough as it is and probably just didn't see himself driving four hours to see me on the weekends when the school year starts and didn't know how to say it. 

We'll probably cross paths again down the road. Or not, that's life. It's clear that even someone that egotistical can have feelings for me, though being in a relationship with one is a different story.

When I'd brought up Zach to Katelynn she was like, "Oh that guy that's cute but says weird shit and kind of reminds me of Ron Weasley?"

Someone actually took interest in me out of the blue recently... His name is Zach H. and I work with him. I'd seen him around a few times but didn't really take notice because I thought he was like 18. We were texting eachother a lot that night because we were both drinking and wanted to see eachother. So though I feel like Katelynn was looking for a reason to be mad at me that night for something I said or did, it was very hard to pinpoint one because I was acting distant which probably made things even worse.

Anyway, didn't do anything in particular to make Katelynn mad at me, aside from being beautiful and getting attention from guys that she wanted. Hooking up was the LAST thing on my mind that night, which I did vocalize when I had a few drinks in me and I'm sure was a buzzkill for katelynn because I'm pretty sure she was thinking otherwise. Her and Alan are done for good and Alan is saying Katelynn basically needs to move her stuff out... which I honestly don't blame him for because she's only treated him like shit for the past few months-- I mean I witnessed it and it got to the point I didn't even like to hang out when Alan was there because it was awkward.

Anyway Katelynn found the thing that let her break the friendship off for good. I had left my bag in her car and she scowled at me when she lent it to me in the break room. Chad and I went out to find her car and once I got my bag I remember sticking the key in the libby bag. I then accidentally returned the libby back without giving the key back to her, which I then quickly found....

When I found her in the dress department with her key she stormed up to me and said "Give me my fucking key" and then marched off. There was a group of Hispanic girls that work in the dress department that were like "woah...." and chuckled kind of awkwardly. I'm sure I looked pretty confused, smiling there saying "Alrighty then have a good night..." Ha ha ha.

Yeah haven't seen or heard from her since then. Whatever I don't even care anymore, our friendship hasn't been the same since I lost trust in her on 4th of July and I can't stand her negativity and constant cursing anymore.

peace.

Completely clean slate, kind of an unreal feeling.

It's weird waking up you no longer like anyone.... and I really mean that this time.

I guess Terry was actually into athlete chicks. Makes sense, he can probably relate to a lot of what she's doing. She's the one to the right of #9 on the left side, she plays for the Oregon Ducks. Seems like the kind of girl that doesn't wear makeup. 

I admittedly did like Terry for a good amount of this last year but knowing that he has a girlfriend now really does give me a clean slate. I'm really surprised that Terry's actually in a relationship, I just figured he didn't want one because of the vibe that he gave off but I guess I'm just not his type. I'm hoping that things can now be less awkward between us now that I know we're just friends.

I did send him a text saying it's cool and I hope things can be more relaxed between us now that I know we're just friends. And still study together for Carbaugh's money and banking tests.

I am completely, entirely uninterested in sports nowdays. Sports is Terry's life. I'm sure sports is this girl's life too. So we'd never work together...

Jay, Jack and Terry were the only three guys that I really liked these past couple years so it feels weird to not have anyone that I like anymore. There is not a soul in the world I can say I am truly attracted to right now in a romantic sense. It feels weird, yet I feel very free. I'm 21 years old man, f**k it I really don't need anyone and haven't for a long time. I just get frustrated when things tend to sort of lean in that direction and then never go anywhere.... then eventually end because I'm just not what they want right now.

I think it's because I'm quite an unusual person... not in a bad way, I mean people that are my friends and acquaintances seem to appreciate my dedication to practice and study-- my life that revolves around self improvement that I have built for myself. In my imagination I live a rockstar lifestyle, ha ha ha. Single, on the road all the time, playing music, talking to a sh*t ton of people, smoking. What more is there. 

Gonna try to get some good practice in for a couple hours, wish me luck at my lesson today. I'd love to get a youtube vid up today if I can.

peace.  

sonic screwdriver

This is what I want right now.

Shut up, I know, it's awful. 

Tomorrow I'm going to see Jake and I've been practicing really hard but building up speed and memorizing that second page has been such a challenge. I'm a little stressed that I want to have this piece 100% by the 31st and if I don't I will be very disappointed in myself. Today I practiced 1 hour 40 minutes on just invention... driving myself a little nuts with this piece. 

peace.

Mind won't let this go yet apparently....

People at work keep talking about the fair that starts tomorrow....

Looks like there's no fair for me again this year. Originally I thought I was but because Jay's stopped talking to me, well...... Kinbri S. (who's ironically friends with Jay) invited me to go with her group. In any other time I'd be happy to go but in this case I can't because it'll remind me too much of my disappointing situation this month. Kinbri's boyfriend is also friends with a lot of Jay's friends. I just don't want anything to remind me of what has happened, it's really hurt me and has left me waiting for some sort of answer.

But do I really need one? I texted him yesterday like "Okay I feel like I'm the only one making effort to communicate..." and this was right after he'd basically accused me of being passive toward him for hanging out with another girl. Well after not talking for 4 days what do you expect? He doesn't even have the respect for me to say "Hey Emily sorry I'm not really interested..." or whatever is going through his head about me. By the looks of it he's choosing to handle this by just ignoring me.

So yeah it's been hard. I've just been trying to put it out of my head as much as possible. Jay was just someone I always really liked-- like he's the only person that I could say has held my interest as long as Jack did.. so being treated like this by him when Jack did the same thing earlier this summer.... ughh it's just gross. Anti-depressents keep me from getting too sad about this kind of thing but anytime this thought crosses my mind it makes me feel down.

it. 

Tonight I'm going to practice a lot, sew on the rest of that metallica patch, and probably sleep early. Tomorrow I've got a stupid shift from 3-11-- which originally I thought was 6-11.... nope! I feel there's really nothing for me to look forward to this summer aside from work and loneliness and I'd rather just start school again. My job continues to be really annoying and doesn't change much from a day to day basis and I want to begin really enriching my brain again. 

peace. 

Series of some unfortunate events

Will I someday just wake up a lesbian?

Probably not. But the more I've been let down in the past the more withdrawn I've become. It's beginning to feel like there's really no chance for me for this to change, even though life is long and that's a silly thing to say. I know that eventually the pieces will fall into place and I live every minute of every day for me and nobody else. My life revolves around personal growth and improvement, whether it be in my intelligence or musically. I feel enlightened and grounded enough that little really gets to me, even when it comes to love which can be such a roller coaster of emotions..

Of course I'm not saying that I "love" Jay, or anyone else for that matter in that way... This is just solely about being able to spend time with someone that I have feelings for and talk to them occasionally. Kind of feel like someone is there. Nope, that's too much apparently. I'm almost positive now that Jay has lost interest and no longer wants to spend time together. I've tried to get ahold of him via text for the past couple days just kind of asking what's up but he won't even answer. God it hurts, I hate it. 

And the thing is I did nothing wrong this time... I haven't pressured him or said anything weird. I've been nice... I've just been myself. The older I get the more I've gotten to know myself and know how much I'm worth and I just really want to share that with someone that I consider on my level and it's just never happened. 

Last I heard from Jay he was hanging out with Sheridan M. I sent him a text like "Okay soo we haven't talked in 4 days and you're hanging out with a girl..." And he acted like I was getting on his case. I mentioned this to Kayla W. at the party I'd gone to the other night and she's like "Wait isn't Sheridan a lesbian?" And I said "I don't think so anymore."

Honestly she looks better than she ever has, and I could imagine her liking to do (....and being good at) a lot of the things that I could see Jay doing like shooting paintball guns and roughing it in the woods or something. And though I can't say I know why Jay is not talking to me anymore, but I can say that I wish the last thing he had told me wasn't that he was with some other girl and that I was acting irrational about it. 

I just feel a little sick about this... of course it's Sunday, my day off... which I'm spending alone in my room again. Katelynn and I have been kind of distant lately. My mom got fired from her job. My uncle Robert died yesterday. I just am feeling a whole mix of things that are making me depressed right now.... I took a Xanex that I found and it makes you feel supppper drowsy. I'm glad I wasn't prescribed this for my anxiety.

It's been kind of hard to part with these band t-shirts but better on a blanket than in a box

Planning on having an enjoyable rest of my evening by practicing, sewing the Metallica patch onto my blanket. Ha ha I've been quilting lately to relieve stress. 

peace.

Guys like girls that don't talk to them at all

Today was alright. 

I have felt kind of down the past couple of days because I feel like Jay and I are totally done. The fact that he has made zero communication with me for the last four days and two facebook statuses about impressing girls and getting their numbers... I feel like I haven't been on his mind lately and I should give this up by just backing away instead of asking questions. Last night I sent him a text-- totally casual: hope work is going well, goodnight. No response from him what so ever today. 

So there you go. Thought things were going well there but it seems like he's changed his mind and is just biting his time to tell me. I've decided to not ask questions anymore. If he's decided that he doesn't want to talk anymore then it's just back to square one again. Lol I've been on square one for years and this shit seems to happen to me over and over again, even as I've matured and better understand myself as a person now more than ever. 

Granted Jay has made no direct indication that he is no longer interested in communicating with me, so there is still that. But still, four days is a long time... and the last time I did get a response from him wasn't good. I really don't want to think about this which is why I'm talking about it here. 

You guys might not realize this but Shavo Odadjian is a camwhore. 

Thank God for metal, that's all I'm going to say. 

Jacob and I had a really good today because he's making me realize that I need to approach practicing differently. I need to be taking smaller sections of measures and practicing it over and over and over again until it's spot on instead of trying to blow through a whole page. I want to know this piece by the 31st soo bad and time is running out quickly. 

Tomorrow I have a day off which I imagine I will spend mostly practicing. I also have to run a few errands-- you know, payday. Tomorrow Jenee H. is also having a going away pool party so I'm excited for that. I'm just going to try not to be depressed about this because I'm so tired of feeling this way. My heart is just an empty hole that becomes more numb the more obsessed I become with music and the harder I work. The only time I ever open myself up to anyone I've been treated like shit so what would you expect.

peace.

sweeeeeeeet emotion.

Goodmorning.

Or I guess it feels like morning to me because I got up at 10:30. Wow I just opened my blinds to get some light in my room and saw my horrendous parking job. The back of my mom's van is like 3 ft away from the curb. Whoops. Anyway yeah just sitting here enjoying my day off.

Found this on one of Beebee890's friend's pages today. I've noticed that other people that really appreciate Brian Thompson's personality have a similar sense of humor and unique taste for weird images that I do.

Last night I passed up the offer to go to the bars with Katelynn. This was a hard decision to make because I didn't have work today and did have the option to go out because it was only 10:30 pm and I was for the most part ready to go. On the other hand I'd had a long week at work and was really looking forward to practicing last night. I chose to stay home.

I've been doing a good amount of practicing on Invention and Anastasia. The recital is coming up August 31 so I've really been cracking down on my practicing. Invention is something I've been working on for months and is incredibly difficult. To get it to the point of mastery that I want it will take at least an hour of solid practice each day.  Anastasia is what I'm going to play for the Christmas concert so I have plenty of time to learn it. This week I've just been focusing on the first page's acoustic chord fingerings-- which Jacob transposed for me from the original tab which was sooo helpful this week. Bravo, I certainly get my money's worth with him.

A sharp is setting up a forum website where we can share tabs and connect with teachers and other students, it's going to be really neat and I'm looking forward to him getting that up and running. 

I'm getting excited for school to start again. I'm looking forward to learning again more than anything. Without being in school I've allowed myself to veg somewhat. Really haven't made too much progress on that book even if it's taught me numerous things this summer. 

Here's some important up and coming things that I need to keep in mind:

-Tomorrow I'm taking photos with my cousins around 6 pm. Meeting @ Teri's house at 5:30 pm. 

-Getting paid on Friday. Should withdraw an extra 40 to pay Jake off for the rest of the month. 

-Buy frozen peaches because I ate all of Avery's.

-Jenee H. going away party on Friday 

Well haven't heard much from Jay this week. Because it's my day off of course I'm hoping that I get a chance to see him but at the same time I feel it's not likely so I'm not anticipating anything. He posted this LOVELY status that said something like "it's a bad sign when you ask for a girls number and she gives you 3 digits." I'm like huh, okay well obviously he hasn't been thinking about me enough to not be trying to hit up other girls. 

I've decided not to text him today. He knows that I'm off, if he wants to see me he'll have to get ahold of me first. We'll see. 

peace. 

maybe people piss me off.

Hmm.

Well it's 1:21 am. Miranda is laying on my bed with a smile on her face. Makes me happy to see her this happy around me again. For the past week and a half or so I've barely seen her, she's either been outside under the BBQ or in my sister's room. Who knows maybe she's in here when I'm working.

Did my 5 pm-12 am shift today. It was easy enough, nobody really bothered me. Though I feel kind of anxious about the fact that suddenly the whole cleaning system is going to change and each section is going to be fully responsible for when they go home and their MANAGERS will tell them when they can leave... and of course I've got J. Apparently this starts in September... I can survive anything for a month. But ugh God it just sucks, to be honest I'm so tired of working in the kids department. It gets so messy and it's such a pain in the ass every day.. especially when you've got people on your team that aren't pulling their weight.


Candace today was singing and "color organizing" clothes while I was running around doing go-backs so I could start you know, getting things together so that we don't have to leave at 11:45 pm... I caught her doing this shit today too, I'm like "Candace what are you doing?....Uh, I think we could probably use more help getting go-backs out from the boys fitting room.." The thing is that it's so transparent that she knew this so she's like "Sorry!" immediately after I'd asked what she was actually doing there when there was piles of clothes on the ground 20 feet away.

This is why my job is truly exhausting and annoying. Our boss Tomas had a group meeting tonight after we'd closed (We got out EARLY! Wow, awesome, 11:20 let's gtfo...) This meeting dragged on for 25 minutes because people wouldn't shut the hell up and let him talk. I wanted to slap the hell out of this girl standing next to me. Lol I love Jasmine, she's like "Some of us would like to go home tonight please." We kept on catching eachother's glances at the meeting because it was obvious we were both exhausted and wanted to go home.

I like Jasmine, I respect her a lot. She works hard and she's one of the main reasons I haven't put more effort into switching departments honestly. Cassandra is the girl with the long black hair, accent that comes from Texas. God for the longest time I haven't been able to remember anyone's names. I actually had to ask her what her name was when I had to briefly call J. today and she looked pretty ticked off. I should really try to be more friendly toward her. I feel she puts in effort too.

I never really know what to say to anyone. People were talking a lot tonight but I found myself completely unable to really get into conversations with anyone. It's like I have nothing to really talk about with anyone because my mind is so one track lately. All that's on my mind is guitar lately. Well... and Jay. Haven't talked to him in a couple days. I kind of wish he'd text me more often. I wanted to text him this evening but I looked at our message history and I had sent the last 2 so I felt kind of lame.

Meh. He's got stuff to do, I like that. Still I don't even know what to think of this. I still feel like he's going to suddenly text me and say that he just thought it over and changed his mind. Because guys just do that, they change their minds like nothing

peace. 

Adddddventure time!

Nick you are NOT too cool to be in this picture... ha ha ha

Yesterday was fun. Had a wild hair and set up an event on facebook for pretty much anyone around benton city to meet at the rope swing today. I had a really good turn out actually, considering pretty much everyone has jobs. My tan has certainly faded and people always enjoy pointing out how white I am because I could honestly care less. 

Cameron L. and his friends were really the one that helped me with this. My friend Kellen came to my house at 2' and we sat outside while I ate a sandwich until Wiley rolled up in his sick Chevy. Cameron and Chris C. were in the truck bed and Zach M. was in the passenger seat. Cameron acts so goofy, he cracks me up. 

We went to the store and this guy Chris C. who's been at the rope swing with us every time I've been there that I can remember. He had a bottle of whiskey with him and would run down those scary cliffs like it was nothing. Wiley brought some Strawberry-Ritas or whatever and some Rolling Rock. I had one of those at around 2 pm... I know crazy right, that was the first time I've ever drank in the afternoon. 

But honestly it was because I was a little stressed! At this point in the day I had heard some really hard news... News that I unfortunately can't talk to you guys about much on my blog because it could potentially make the situation worse. Of course I don't know how it could get worse now, seems like administration has already made up it's mind to send my mom packing for the dumbest little shit weasel on earth. 

So yeah. Cheers. I spent the next hour scrolling through my phone looking for girls to invite to this thing. Rhiannon said she was coming on the event page so I was really hoping she'd be there. Not that I have a problem with any of the guys that I was hanging out there with at this time... it's just kind of awkward being the only girl there. I had thought for sure Alisha (Zach's girlfriend) would be there but she was sick. 

Luckily Rhiannon showed up at around 4' or so. On the right of her with the beanie is Chris Cul. (Not Chris C. mentioned earlier). He's just your typical kind of eclectic, "high on life" street kid that probably had a rough upbringing. He says some crazy things and enjoys lighting things on fire. Then to my left is Cameron L., then Zach, and Zach's brother who's really sarcastic like Zach is. 

Katelynn came and brought a box of pabst which was highly appreciated by everyone when the beer cooler was running a little low. Katelynn, Kellen and Kevin were in the water practically the whole time. Katelynn says that she hardly ever goes swimming and doesn't know why more people aren't in the water. For me personally because it's cold to me and I'd rather stand around and socialize. That water is shallow but you still can't see your feet and that can be a little bothersome to me too.

OH.... weird side thing that I just realized... last night I had a dream that Abe P. from school was with me yesterday and telling me he didn't want to swim in the water because he "remembers when the water was clear and you could see your feet." What the hell is that supposed to symbolize?

The 6 of us that came first stayed for quite awhile and I was ready to go home around 6'. I drank 2 beers which kind of got my mind off the situation at home but by this time I was getting a headache. Timmy had shown up a little later and was like "What you guys are leaving already?" And Wiley's like "Dude! we've been here for 4 hours!" ha ha ha

So yes, very fun yesterday. Part of me kind of wanted Jay to show up but I knew he'd be much too exhausted. Instead of saying "no" Jay just chooses not to respond to things sometimes. That's alright with me, I get it. I hope I see him this Tuesday. I've got work from 5-12 am tonight and another closing shift tomorrow. This next Friday's payday should be pretty good.

peace. 

Annnnd all the more reason I hate my job and want to go back to eburg

Tonight sucked.

I have never experienced anything like it. My shift was from 4 pm-12 am, long shift and I worked especially hard today because I knew that "corporate" was coming in tomorrow so I wanted to make everything look really nice. I tried sooo hard today.. We were trying to make the store absolutely "perfect" which is why they're going to be up working on it all night.

I'm sorry, I'm not that much of a perfectionist.... When it came to 12 am and J. is telling me I need to finish this huge project before I'm allowed to go I started to feel kind of paranoid. I mean I'd barely eaten anything for dinner which was hours before. So I'm sitting here folding clothes, sizing clothes, folding clothes, sizing clothes..... I ask him again at 12:30 or so to come check it out. He finds something wrong, essentially doesn't say anything and walks off.

He did this to me three times because apparently my work wasn't adequate to these absurd standards... like everything was folded and sized but the stupid plastic tags had to line up evenly. I was getting light headed and very paranoid.

My coworkers were released before me for doing such a "fantastic" job on some wall. I'm just thinking to myself, excuse me after all I did organizing that girls section today you're going to hold me hostage here like I haven't done my work? When they were released I'd asked one of them, "What's the deal can we leave?" And this J. and this chick was like "Oh no you're staying."

12:55 am. Two of my managers come upstairs to inspect everything. They meet up with J. and start inspecting everything. One of them looked at one of the shelves that I did and was like "Oh who did this? There shouldn't be jeans there..." I thought for sure someone was gonna start pointing fingers at me and I almost broke down.

One of my older managers saw me and she's like "Are you okay?" And I'm sure my eyes were probably watery at this point, I said "No I'm exhausted and starving and want to go home..." I had worked for 4 and a half hours straight without a break or a snack and I had just had it. She's kindly said "Go home then..." Thank God, I'd felt rescued.

I know it probably sounds petty to most of you but for me that was just such a horrible experience tonight... You guys know how hard I work. This job has just made my summer a drag. I hate night shifts, I hate dealing with the tiny clothes, I hate being stuck dealing with a handful of annoying people when I have good friends working downstairs (*granted I have started to like most of my coworkers upstairs so that's been nice)....

I'm so excited to be back in Ellensburg honestly. And with Jay, who I did get a text from this morning so that made me feel pretty giddy most of the day. Poor thing, he slept all day long... I'm just really hoping he gets some time to hang out the next couple days. Working the past four days has been such a drag.

peace.

Do I look like someone else

I'm feeling too restless to practice guitar right now... which means I have to write and hopefully shake this out because to be honest with you guys I'm exhausted and can't imagine I'm going anywhere tonight.

I texted Jay today. I was unable to wait until this evening. I asked him how his trip was going and he didn't reply. Damn it's been like 3 days... I'm kind of wondering if we're not going to talk anymore or what. That's been on my mind more than I'd like to admit today.

Check it out, tonight I unintentionally made myself look like a different person. Ha ha I've changed my look from Emily the no bullshit guitarist to Emily that draws manga and watches Ponies.*

I had work at 11 am this morning. My shift was 11-7 pm, and that's final. The reason I say that is because my coworkers were asking me continually how long I was going to work tonight. My managers actually didn't ask me to stay later, as they're intelligent enough to know that I would politely refuse. Lol. No credit apps or "findmore" things again today. My mom was like "Can they fire you for not doing those?" and I responded, "Don't think so..."

Lol I know that you can't but you're continually pressured about it. The corporation uses competition as one of it's tactics to motivate their employees. I kind of hate that about my job, it makes me miss my lazy days at Rite Aid....

When I move up to Ellensburg I plan on looking for a new job very quickly. Working at the Yakima JCpenny on the weekends could be a good temporary fix until then. Jeez that reminds me I have to talk to one of my managers about that. I should write a memo and leave it on one of their desks tomorrow. Good plan. Tomorrow's basically my Friday. I've got nothing planned. Will probably just do the usual because I'm gonna owe Jake $40 on Thurs so I shouldn't blow my money at the bar on Wednesday.

Alright... I guess that's sufficient writing for tonight. Need to practice for the first time today (it's 9:25 pm. God I'd be miserable if I was still at work, ha ha I was done at 7...)

I'm actually feeling a lot better about relaxing and enjoying the rest of my night. I told my mom that jay hadn't texted me back and she's like "You're being silly, it's Sunday night and that's when his job gets over. He probably doesn't even have reception." Both are really good points. I will sit with that.

peace.

*.... note that I do neither of those things. Not that there is anything wrong with people that do. But I think I look so much different with glasses and no bangs... I'm honestly not used to seeing myself like this. 

Fried brain salad

Hey, it's 1 am and here I am again.... coming down from work, fried.

Tomorrow I have to work from 11 am-7 pm, then Monday I've got another closing shift. These closing shifts in kids are a hassle because the store becomes super busy and hard to keep up with. I've told you guys this before. Tonight was a typical night at JCP... I enjoy closing with Jasmine because she's a hard worker like I am, we get shit done because we know it needs to get done... It's frustrating when you're working with people that constantly whine. Jasmine doesn't whine. Neither does this other girl that I worked with tonight... I can't remember her name. She seems intelligent and I like her though, and she gets things done. She asks me questions that I can't answer occasionally and I feel kind of bad because I'll be like ummm.... 

Anyway yeah, just another shift done... I actually got a decent amount of guitar practicing in because my shift didn't start until 5 pm. I left home around 3:30 because I had to run a couple errand-y things.

No word from Jay for 2 days now. He gets home tomorrow night so maybe I'll hear from him, dunno. I intend to text him tomorrow evening because I know he's coming back into town and I'll just ask how his trip went or something.

I need to read.... There's a lot of things I'd want to do if I had more time but I know I need to sleep because if I stay up much later waking up will be a pain tomorrow. I've already done a really crappy job at maintaining my original goal of reading 10 pages a day of my finance book... I've been stuck in this same section because every time I sit down and try to read it there's some distraction or I don't have time.

peace. 

I've got soo much on my mind right now. It's 12:30 pm, spent a little time BSing on facebook before I decided to write.


I worked until about 11:30 pm tonight. Kids was an absolute mess because of back to school shopping. I'm exhausted. No luck with findmores or credit apps today because I was more focused on trying to work as hard as I could to fix some of the havoc. I have no doubt that my coworkers are trying their hardest. It's just very difficult to keep up with people. I have recently developed a much better knack of locating items on the floor in childrens, which is a lot to remember when I'm trying to help maintain both fitting rooms. Blegh. Lots of running around. Which I like... I keep busy which makes the time go faster. I feel like I do help customers and they generally appreciate my help but I rarely push the credit cards or hassling people to buy shit online.

I saw a few really sweet kids today. A hispanic family walked up and their daughter said "You look pretty" just totally out of the blue. Their were wearing these little matching hair piece things that I'd said looked pretty too. There was also this super cute little blonde girl that came with her parents and her Dad's brother or something that looked about my age. She said "Hi!" to me just out of the blue and waved and I'm like "Hi how are you?" I'd mentioned the family because that guy that looked about my age knocked over a rack of skirts and actually helped me put it back up because the stupid screw wasn't working.

I don't know, in retrospect today was a very good day at work. It might have not been perfect in there when we left but I definitely worked as hard as I could and feel like I'm generally getting better at my job. Good news for me because I'm almost positive I'm going to be in kids for the rest of the month. I mean I realize now that they kind of need me there, I mean it needs help more than the downstairs does, so I just need to stop bitching about not working downstairs.

There. That's the last I will speak of it. I kind of groaned when I learned I was working upstairs today but I know now it's just for my own selfish reasons-- you know I just wanted to work with Katelynn, Angie, Chad, etc... That's not logical, it's just bullshit selfishness. Shame on me, lol.

Okay enough about work...



Texted Jay a little bit today. Well I got one text this morning in response to the one I'd sent him last night. I admit I do feel sort of awkward when I send him a text and I don't get a response at all.. like you know I'll double-read it like "Did that sound stupid?" Ha ha. But yeah I'm not worried about it because for all I know he might not even have a phone charger where he is. He's on a work trip all weekend doing construction, after an entire week of 5-day shifts.

\Here's Patrick, Janell, and Seth D. I've actually talked to Seth somewhat extensively because I was pretty interested in the cross country trip that they took. Jannell is dating Patrick, who worked with Katelynn at Wal Mart. Patrick's a pretty unique guy, I can appreciate his personality but we've never really connected so I've always thought of him more as an acquaintance than Seth who I feel is my friend. 

I try not to think about Jay that much because it's dawned on me how weird it is that we're actually spending time together and don't know if it's going to last because of our previous experience. I honestly thought I had burned my bridge with him completely after texting him that day back like... last August before I moved out. I remember I'd been at Samantha's house that day. Jannell had come up in a conversation, who had just hung out with Samantha awhile earlier. Samantha and Jannell are pretty good friends, Jannell and Jay are also good friends... Me and Jannell however have never really clicked. Anyway when samantha had brought her up it had made me think about the previous radcon and how frustrated the second day had made me when he "bailed" and was raving about it to Jannell that night. Turns out he actually wasn't at the con that day because he was hungover, but I'd taken it like he was doing it to blow me off.

So I texted him all pissed off and was like "I heard you're a player" and yadda yadda ya... it was so stupid. He replied, "... what was the point of you sending me these messages?" lol...


I don't know now that I look back on it, it seriously sounds doesn't even sound like me. I have enough confidence that I'm a different person than I used to be to some degree. But I still think back to some of the things that Jay said to me when I was younger about how much my personality bothered him which still makes me think he's not going to stick around long. So I try not to think about it either way and just let things roll. But yeah, of course I have to write everything out to make sense of my thoughts lately.

peace.