Why are pretty girls so damn difficult

Well tonight sucked.

Friday night. Would I have liked to go out tonight? Yes. But I have no vehicle and though a couple guys asked me out to go drinking I declined. I really just want a girl to go out and have fun with. I texted Allie Thanksgiving weekend and she didn't reply, nor did she the previous times I'd tried. She has no facebook so that's it I guess.

Same thing with her friend Kala. I tried texting her and got no response... I'm sad to say I haven't seen either of them since halloween, November was a really boring month. I just feel like getting ahold of people around Ellensburg has become increasingly difficult for me.. like I'll text people and won't get responses, mainly girls. 

So of course this makes me feel like shit as a person because it's like well what the Hell did I do when in actuality it could be any number of things, such as jealously, orrrr thinking I take myself too seriously, or their lives are too involved with their boyfriends to have any want/need to spend time with other girls. Or most of the their friends that are girls have been their BFFs for a long time.


I've been stuck in this social limbo.... Guys flirt with me a lot so I do get that kind of attention in my day-to-day life and on facebook but hanging out with them is a touchy situation because they think you're interested in them romantically. And even if they know that you aren't they will still try. And I'm flattered by that but I hate feeling like I'm rejecting someone's emotions toward me.. So I feel like that's been the majority of my social life here. Guys that hit me up, I hang out with them once or twice, then they realize I'm not interested that way and/or won't put out and will move on. Very few lasting friendships because they feel hurt by me.


So over the past month or so I really have put some effort meeting and talking to girls.. Like I met that girl Audrey that I thought seemed really cool and tried to meet up with her which didn't work out and haven't been able to get in touch with her since.

That being said I'm going to go to bed and hope for a better day tomorrow.. and try to get some work done, though one thing's for certain I have to get out of this apartment. I spent way too much time studying here and I really thought I'd be going out tonight and I'm feeling creepy....


 Everything else that's actually important is going fine. I got an 85 on my econ test which raised my cumulative grade in the class to a 77 so that's a plus. Guitar solo is going really well and it's almost recital ready.

And I might be getting this beautiful guitar from my friend Michael E. for Christmas! Ahhh! 

peace. 

Mind won't let this go yet apparently....

People at work keep talking about the fair that starts tomorrow....

Looks like there's no fair for me again this year. Originally I thought I was but because Jay's stopped talking to me, well...... Kinbri S. (who's ironically friends with Jay) invited me to go with her group. In any other time I'd be happy to go but in this case I can't because it'll remind me too much of my disappointing situation this month. Kinbri's boyfriend is also friends with a lot of Jay's friends. I just don't want anything to remind me of what has happened, it's really hurt me and has left me waiting for some sort of answer.

But do I really need one? I texted him yesterday like "Okay I feel like I'm the only one making effort to communicate..." and this was right after he'd basically accused me of being passive toward him for hanging out with another girl. Well after not talking for 4 days what do you expect? He doesn't even have the respect for me to say "Hey Emily sorry I'm not really interested..." or whatever is going through his head about me. By the looks of it he's choosing to handle this by just ignoring me.

So yeah it's been hard. I've just been trying to put it out of my head as much as possible. Jay was just someone I always really liked-- like he's the only person that I could say has held my interest as long as Jack did.. so being treated like this by him when Jack did the same thing earlier this summer.... ughh it's just gross. Anti-depressents keep me from getting too sad about this kind of thing but anytime this thought crosses my mind it makes me feel down.

it. 

Tonight I'm going to practice a lot, sew on the rest of that metallica patch, and probably sleep early. Tomorrow I've got a stupid shift from 3-11-- which originally I thought was 6-11.... nope! I feel there's really nothing for me to look forward to this summer aside from work and loneliness and I'd rather just start school again. My job continues to be really annoying and doesn't change much from a day to day basis and I want to begin really enriching my brain again. 

peace. 

Series of some unfortunate events

Will I someday just wake up a lesbian?

Probably not. But the more I've been let down in the past the more withdrawn I've become. It's beginning to feel like there's really no chance for me for this to change, even though life is long and that's a silly thing to say. I know that eventually the pieces will fall into place and I live every minute of every day for me and nobody else. My life revolves around personal growth and improvement, whether it be in my intelligence or musically. I feel enlightened and grounded enough that little really gets to me, even when it comes to love which can be such a roller coaster of emotions..

Of course I'm not saying that I "love" Jay, or anyone else for that matter in that way... This is just solely about being able to spend time with someone that I have feelings for and talk to them occasionally. Kind of feel like someone is there. Nope, that's too much apparently. I'm almost positive now that Jay has lost interest and no longer wants to spend time together. I've tried to get ahold of him via text for the past couple days just kind of asking what's up but he won't even answer. God it hurts, I hate it. 

And the thing is I did nothing wrong this time... I haven't pressured him or said anything weird. I've been nice... I've just been myself. The older I get the more I've gotten to know myself and know how much I'm worth and I just really want to share that with someone that I consider on my level and it's just never happened. 

Last I heard from Jay he was hanging out with Sheridan M. I sent him a text like "Okay soo we haven't talked in 4 days and you're hanging out with a girl..." And he acted like I was getting on his case. I mentioned this to Kayla W. at the party I'd gone to the other night and she's like "Wait isn't Sheridan a lesbian?" And I said "I don't think so anymore."

Honestly she looks better than she ever has, and I could imagine her liking to do (....and being good at) a lot of the things that I could see Jay doing like shooting paintball guns and roughing it in the woods or something. And though I can't say I know why Jay is not talking to me anymore, but I can say that I wish the last thing he had told me wasn't that he was with some other girl and that I was acting irrational about it. 

I just feel a little sick about this... of course it's Sunday, my day off... which I'm spending alone in my room again. Katelynn and I have been kind of distant lately. My mom got fired from her job. My uncle Robert died yesterday. I just am feeling a whole mix of things that are making me depressed right now.... I took a Xanex that I found and it makes you feel supppper drowsy. I'm glad I wasn't prescribed this for my anxiety.

It's been kind of hard to part with these band t-shirts but better on a blanket than in a box

Planning on having an enjoyable rest of my evening by practicing, sewing the Metallica patch onto my blanket. Ha ha I've been quilting lately to relieve stress. 

peace.