22. New Years Resolutions and other stuff.

Sup guys?

Just got back from a very long seven hour shift at work. Jay informed me that I will be getting paid for those 30 hours.... in another two weeks. Fuck, I'm getting really tired of this. He told me I'd be getting paid for those hours on my last paycheck. Thank God I don't have an apartment or a family to feed otherwise they'd be pretty irritated and hungry. haha

So, that Zach (a.k.a.Berry, Brenna's friend from awhile back that stopped talking to me abruptly) guy really proved himself to be a complete puke, but luckily had some closure with him. Last night he spontaniously texted me after not talking for four weeks, "Wanna hook up again?" I had deleted his number, so I texted him back "Who's this?" and he's like "Berry." Five minutes later, as I responded when I was on break he writes "Well?" Ugh. Obviously, zero respect for me. Have I wanted to hook up with him again? Yes. But do I have dignity? ..Or am I at least working on it? Yes. First, sort of dumbfounded, I said "Dude don't you have a girlfriend?"
After driving home, pissed off that he texted me about it in the first place, I also wrote, in a nutshell: "And honestly, I don't want to hook up with you again. I didn't want the "hookup" to be just that but you manipulated me by acting like you actually had feelings toward me. Fuck no, I'd rather not make that mistake again." <- That's actually a little nicer than what it said, but it was basically the same thing. Also, I sound a lot less pathetic than that. Anyway, he told me he didn't have a girlfriend and that he didn't have a committment of any kind with anyone. Yet you post statuses with that gross dumpy girl all the time? Errm, I'm sure she wouldn't be thrilled if she knew he was trying to hook up.

Anyway, he didn't respond until this morning at like 6' am. I was up because I was getting ready for work. He told me that when we hooked up he didn't know I was moving. What a cheap ass excuse. I told him I wasn't moving until September, but regardless he shouldn't base his opinions of someone around when they're moving or not. This went on for awhile with long time stretches in between texts. I had to go to work, so we were having this conversation throughout the day. This is why I hate texting.

Long story (well, not really) short, he made the excuse that he's moving in June. Great, good ridance. Seriously I could give a shit. I really wanted to bitch him out but at this point, but I offered to still be friends to be on good terms, though re-reminded him that I don't want a fuck buddy or any of that bullshit. He responded "nah." Great! 'Have a nice life :)' is what I wrote back. I didn't bitch him out because I'd rather he didn't spread any garbage around about me.

This might sound like a sob story, but for me it's actually a story of strength for me. Yes, I didn't nessasarily tell him straight and bitch him out like I would of to almost anyone that gave me shit online or via text, but this is a huge step for me. I DIDN'T hook up with him. I went on a night walk with Lindy after work, and stayed home. I TOLD HIM NO.

Which leads me to my New Years resolutions for 2012.

2012 Resolutions

1. Be more of a bitch. Bitches have self worth.

Now, a bitch in a sense that I will no longer be a pushover toward men. I will save my kindness and patience for work and the people that I actually care about. This year I was manipulated, and had a vicious cycle of bad men and rejections, making my trust in men very VERY slim. But I'm still alive, STD free, and I still look pretty damn good even if I've gone through an emotional hellride.

2. Get more sleep. 

This is really important. I haven't been getting a good amount of ZzZ's in forever. Especially with my school schedule starting so early in the morning. I'm gonna be waking up at 5'. Barely made it to work on time (scheduled at 7:45) when I woke up at 6:30.

3. Learn all the System of a Down songs on guitar.

Well, probably won't learn all of them, but I'll get the best chunk done that I can. I've already got two down (Hypnotize and Soil), and I'm working on a third (Holy Mountains).

4. Have Faith in myself.

I need to stop wasting so much energy on putting myself down because of the mistakes I've made that have left me sad and humiliated. I have nothing in life to be humiliated for. Those weird fat coupon ladies with their toddlers? They have something to be humiliated for, and they have way more self confidence than I do.

I have really spent too much time in my life being miserable, and it's time to make an effort to be a happier person. Because I'm 20 years old, that's like a 4th of my life that I've spent miserable. I don't need anyone to give me the happiness I deserve. I have to find it myself. There's nothing a man can give me that can make me genuinely happy. It's all lust, it's all short lived. Most relationships are complete bullshit and people just get in them for the attention and admiration/envy of others. I need to find this happiness myself.

5. Develop a closer relationship with God.

I'm tired of being afraid of dying. My anxieties are worsening and I need help.

Pretty powerful goals. But I am feeling like this year will be a breakthrough for me. No, things might not nessasarily change that dramatically, but I can only try and improve my life one step at a time. And I really think these goals will help me. I've been trying to keep a possitive outlook on things. Guitar and hanging out with Jake has helped a lot.

yours,

Emily

20. crazy, silly.

Gotta head to work in 30 minutes so I gotta make this short and sweet.

Haven't gotten paid yet. Checked my balance and called the bank this morning and the Rite Aid check isn't even processing at this point. I'm guessing I'm gonna need to actually go to my job and get the physical check. That'll be a bitch because that means I'll have to deposit the check tomorrow. Thus, again, I will be broke tonight. My Christmas break is slowly drawing to a close. I'm happy, though, it's time to get back on track again. A new quarter is a new opportunity, and I'm content with exactly where I'm at.

Saw Katharine last night for the first time in awhile. We had a lot of good laughs about things, with Katharine it's almost always a reminicent night. All we really talk about is things we've experienced, yet we're now creating new memories. It's weird. She is staying with Brian still I'm pretty sure, I guess Christmas together was really good too and his mom got her some really cool stuff. Like a legitamite teaset from Goodwill. Bitchin.

I need to start rumaging at thrift stores but I can never seem to have the patience. My mom is a champion. Idk whenever I go in there I feel awkward, like people are looking at me. But they're totally not and that's what's hilarious about it.

I've slowed down on the Bronkaid. Actually I hadn't taken it in a few days, but I took one today to help my focus at work. They're a lot like ADHD pills.... And I'm not the only one who uses them for this. They're powerful, cheap and in combination with one caffiene pill do the trick for easing getting up and studying for long stretches of time. I've been taking two Bronkaid in the morning with one 200 mg tablet of caffiene about twice a week or so, sometimes less; sometimes more. I honestly think I do have minor ADHD and on days where it's extremely difficult to get anything accomplished, it's very helpful.

I'm not stoked for work today but at least I'm gonna see Michael Zhang afterward. :) Always nice to catch up with these people on breaks. Something else that's interesting is that Nathan and his boyfriend broke up, and he's starting school at Central in the Spring. Yet another person who's getting out earlier than I am. I'm sure the breakup really pushed him out of here. I guess that's the main reason I choose to not be in a relationship right now. Because if I really actually like him, then he might cause me to stick around longer than I should, and a breakup would make me want to jump the gun too quickly.

The gun needs to be jumped. It's starting to get dusty.

Oh, Ashleigh struck again, and I caught her. Check this out:

Alright, obviously you can't see it very well on here. The best way to view this would be to go to the link on my facebook:

http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.1872828461339.2093536.1259970113&type=3

Or if you can't access it save the image and open it up and read it. : ) Lol I don't want to spread my page out.



18. Wind keeps me up.

Not because it scares me but because I love the sound of it. It makes the mood a lot more interesting.

Todays been slow, but productive. My sweets consumption has been lowered, at least somewhat. It's still pretty bad though, the holidays make it so hard to stay away from chocolate. You guys know me, I love chocolate. So yummy, delicious.. but bad for you, so I've been exercising a lot too. That being said I haven't really gained any weight, in fact my mom says I look pretty thin, but I still feel gross if I eat too much chocolate or whatever other sweet things are around. It's hard for me to go into the kitchen without grabbing a little 3 Muskateers bite (those little tiny 3 Muskateers bite sized that usually come around the holidays. About the size of 1/8th of a bar). Guess it's not the worst thing I could be munching on if I only have one or two, but still. Way more than I eat during the spring or summer.

That planner worked wonders for me today. I wrote out everything that I needed to do, and got it all done. I have to say, I've been getting a lot better at the guitar. I have Hypnotise completely 100% down, aside from that stupid chord transition during the bridge. I'm working on Holy Mountains right now. The only unfortunate thing about SOAD is that their tuning is really specific, and it makes me nervous when I switch back and forth between this Drop C weirdness to Drop D for Rammstein. I only have five strings on my guitar right now... my littlest one broke when I was tuning-- AGAIN. Ugh. It snapped really hard and hurt my hand. Its been like that for a week but I very rarely have to use that small string so I don't worry about it too much.

My mom actually overheard me playing tonight and flipped out because she said it actually sounded really good! That's huge for me.

When I get paid I'll get a new string, among other things that I really need to buy. Like my Visual Basic book from Delaney. School is coming up so quickly!

I studied a little Japanese today, reviewed. I remember a lot more than I expected, especially grammar wise. It's starting to come semi naturally to me now. I really need to work on my katakana packet tomorrow. That'll be my goal, really make an effort to study five out of the next six days before school starts.

Madoka Kugimiya from Negima!
Student Number 11: Madoka Kugimiya (釘宮 円, Kugimiya Madoka) Birthday: 3 March 1989. She is the serious one of the three cheerleaders in the class. She makes sure that the other cheerleaders (especially Sakurako) do not get into any trouble. She likes gyūdon and silver accessories and generally into Western music (currently is a fan of Avril Lavigne from notes), but hates playboys and is mildly obsessed with her husky voice

I've found that another sort of fun way to study my Japanese is, as clique as this sounds, watch anime.

This actually works because I can semi understand the grammar now and it helps me remember old vocabulary.

I'm really excited that I might be going to Sakura con this year! I think it would be really fun if I got a group together that was really into the cosplaying aspect of it. Maybe do a Sailor Moon group or something. Fun fun fun. . . But expensive, I should have enough by then though.

This morning I got called into work at 7:30 and I was there at 9'. Worked til 2'. Quick and easy shift, and I look forward to getting paid in 24 hours.

yours

Emily

17. Apple Cider is good.

Today I met up with Brier at the Barnes and Nobles in Kennewick and we got this apple cider with whipped cream on top from Starbucks. delicious and amazing! He gave me credit for "Calling" it. Calling that it would be more delicious than one of those heavy, 400 calorie coffee drinks. We sat and looked at books for awhile, including that Post Secret book that has a lot of depressing, disturbing postcards in it. It was pretty crazy crowded in the mall today.. people making returns and stuff. I ended up buying a new planner. It's about the size of that big one that I had in middle school so I shouldn't lose it, and it has LOTS of space to write and rant about things if I get spare time to do so. It's nice to blog on the go once and awhile.

Tomorrow I'm going to call up the lady at 101 Cleaners and see if that job is still in mind. Tomorrow's Tuesday, thank GOD, which means only two more days until I get paid. I do work on Thursday and Friday but luckily school is starting soon. Let's see here, when does Winter quarter start...

Wow, winter quarter starts TUESDAY, JANUARY 3RD. That's in exactly one week! Woohoo for Christmas break being almost over. I've almost spent my entire time either running around up to no good, eating junk food, doing frantic pilates or getting high. It'll be nice to get back to the old grind. After I get done practicing tonight I think I'm gonna study some Japanese. The irony of this break is that I haven't been playing Sims 2 at all because I've either been going places or doing things or don't feel like it. So I guess this Christmas break hasn't been all unproductive. I got my shopping done, got lots of cool stuff for Christmas, and I'm super excited for New Year.

I can start being more proactive with my Japanese... tomorrow. I'm definately going to make that a priority. I don't want to go into Winter quarter unprepared. This planner will help me a lot with that. It can help me keep a routine and get done what I need to, as well as keep my work hours in check.

Anyway, better get going. : )

yours,

Emily

Merry Christmasssssssssssssshita

Gooooodmorning!

It of course is Christmas today, and we just got done unwrapping gifts and all of my lovely haul is sitting out on the coffee table. I got some great stuff. before I forget, here's what I got and who bought me what:

1. Bottle of Differin from Mom and Dad. Costs about $65, glad I didn't have to buy it.
2. Webcam from Mom and Dad
3. Fitness tube and fitness band from Mom and Dad
4. Bottle of MAC Studio Sculpt foundation from Mom
5. Colorsilk hairdye from Mom
6. SYSTEM OF A DOWN POSTER!!! from Avery
7. Long socks from Mom and Dad
8. Eyeliner and mascara from Mom and dad
9. Wool hat from Mom
10. Candles, a bath set, and a big chocolate pop from my secret santa at rite aid
11. A bento box from Avery
12. A green purse from Mom
13. A big insence set from Avery
14. A really nice razor from Mom and Dad
15. A metallica bass tabs book from Robert, along with fortune cookies (I loved this)
16. CUSTOM artwork by Samantha, I love this too!
17. A really neat t-shirt from Katharine, along with a hilarious book called Go the Fuck to Sleep.
18. And of course the beautiful pink pipe from Katelynn
19. $50 gift card to Target from Grandma.

Overall, great stuff. I love all of it. The only return I intend to do is the purse that my mom got me. I can't tell if I like it yet. Well, it's nicer than my current purse. I ended up giving the glamourpuss wallet that it came with to my sister though. It's zebra print with sparkles, eww. I do need a new wallet though.

I really don't like that my Grandma got us gifts when she told us she wasn't buying us anything. I would of bought her something as well. She got my Dad a $150 card when my mom only got a $50, hahahaha.

Robert wrote me a letter in Japanese with my gift, I freakin love it. It makes no sense and that's why it's awesome. He copied it from Google Translate. Katharine and Robert both outdid me this year, big time. I'm stoked that Katharine likes her lipstick though.

Samantha's gift didn't end up working out... apparently the scanner doesn't work. This still sort of makes me depressed and I hope we can figure it out later. Her custom artwork is painted and it looks so much like me. Samantha got a new phone!

I'm super excited for tonight. I get to see Brier who came to visit his family for christmas. He texted me last night when I was at Rhiannon's house. It was SO LOUD in the background that he just told me to call him today. He's cute, I'm stoked and hope he doesn't flake out or something lame.

I'm not disappointed that Christmas morning is over. I used to get all sad about it when I was a kid. This year the spirit of Christmas was sort of dead to me, but this morning I was uber happy to get all this great stuff. I'm gonna get my hair dyed today and i'll make my first webcam video with the new camera. : )

Merry Christmas everbodyyyy

yours,
Emily

~15~ HURRAY NEW YEARS IS COMING, ..oh, and happy Christmas eve!

The past couple days have been hectic, mainly with work.

Thursday and Friday were the only days I was scheduled this week, but the shifts were long and tedious. Luckily, yesterday I was in a FANTASTIC mood and it made things go by quickly. I recently acquired some good Tilapia from a friend of Jake's, and it's been good company for me during this boring Christmas break. Well, it hasn't been terribly boring, just broke because my job still owes me money. I'll probably just get it on Thursday. Wait, today is... Saturday. That means I get paid on the 29th of December. That's in five days. I can survive five days without spending a terrible amount of money right? And the best part is....

New Years is coming!!!

2012 baby!

Usually, New Years doesn't mark that much of a new beginning for me. Last year it was just a nightmare because I was with Michael, and then shortly after was in the hospital for a kidney infection and saw myself look the unhealthiest and ugliest I've ever seen in my life. I wish I could of gotten a picture. It was horrific.

It really is exciting for me. 2011 was a pretty awful year in a lot of ways, it was a year for a lot of growing. Though it wasn't the worst year I've ever had because I learned a lot of Japanese, met a lot of great people, had my first actual year of "college." Well, the crappy CBC version of college but still college regardless.

You know, lets make a list of all the good and bad things that happened in 2011. Just for the nostalgia of it.

Bad Things that Happened in 2011
(we can end on a good note)

1. Well, Michael Kaminski situation. He made my family not trust my judgement and gave me paranoia of sleeping next to guys. That wasn't good and still makes me feel a little queesy to this day.  Still also continues to be embarrising when I'm around Katelynn.

2. Getting a kidney infection and feeling like I'm legitamitely going to die for the first time in my life. That was frightening.

3. Being manipulated by two huge dumbasses in a very short amount of time. Got manipulated, felt used, etc etc. Those mistakes left two more scars that I have to live with. This year, I'm going to change and not let that happen again. Ever.

4. Having my first panic attack and felt like I was legitamitely going insane around my 20th birthday. My fear of death sort of erupted. Temporarily lost touch with the purpose of living. Also temporarily lost faith in God. I'm still trying to find it again and I think for the first time in my life I so badly want to believe.

5. Had, and still frequently have, major anxieties over what people think and say about me based on what I've done and embarrising things I've said. I think about it every day, and sometimes it gets harder and harder to brush off.

6. Lost most of my trust in men, and even spending time with them now is a struggle for me because it makes me feel prone to anxiety. I tend to reject my own feelings towards people because I feel hopeless in the matter. This has also made me want to try dating women instead. This whole year has just been continual slaps in the face by men and their ridiculousness, and it makes me think that all the other girls that are dealing with it might be getting sick of it too. That's why, when I move out, I plan to change my interested in to "men and women." I've always been bi but never particularily attracted to many women and their bullshit, but sometimes I think I'd be happier on a different road.

The mediocre, some-good-some-bad learning experiences in 2011

1. Guy Stevens this summer. Even if he drove me nuts with his shady ass plans, constant partying and lack of sincerity, he had his good points as well. Believe it or not, he helped me become WAY better about my body because he continually let me know how nice it is. That was really important for me.

2. Started taking Brokaid. Helped me focus all spring quarter and allowed me 3 hour + study blocks. Got amazing grades. The bad part is, Robert claims it's damaging my lungs and I'm too scared to look it up.

3. Started smoking regularly. This helped me calm down and be overall happier, but I sometimes feel like now I catch myself doing things and thinking "This would be so much better if I was high right now.."

The Good Things in 2011

1. Got a new computer that is 100% mine! Finally got to download the Sims 2 and it's become a great escape for me.

2. Started drawing realism in May. Dropped drawing anime all together.

3. Saw SYSTEM OF A DOWN!!!! Greatest day EVER!!

4. Also saw COHEED AND CAMBRIA! So basically, I saw my two ultra favorite bands in 2011. That does count for something huge.

5. Learned a ton of Japanese! Now when I watch anime or a Japanese television show, I can actually understand some of what they're saying. My speaking abilities have been improving as well. It's very impressive to me but I need to continue to practice a lot in 2012.

There's probably a lot more that could be named, but for now I'm going to get offline. I need to go to Wal mart to buy something. It's going to be a nightmare in there, considering it's Christmas eve, but it's really important that I buy this.

yours

Emily

Why does everything have to be a competition... ~14~

Because it has to be. Being around Robert was semi frustrating tonight because it seems like he's always trying to show off to me for no apparent reason other than to show me that he's better at guitar then I am. Like the second he comes in, he has to grab it and start playing with it. That's great Robert, you have huge fingers so it's easier for you to play. I've been trying to play more, and with the amount of hours that I have I've gotten semi better than before, but I've just never been able to get particularily good at it. I want to be better than Logan.

Anyway, Robert asked me to come over and hang out with him and Logan but I told him that I don't want to be around Logan if he's going to be all competitive with me, which I know he will-- so he said "Why does it have to be a competition? I'm clearly better than both of you." I'm like... okay, uhm, yeah I'm just gonna stay home. Which is what I'm doing. But now I feel like I should play for the next couple hours just to do all I can to be better than Logan. Fuck, if that's what it takes. But why do I even care.

...Because the guitar to me has always been something thats DEFEATED me. I've never been good at it, and I can never let something do that. I can never start doing something and then not care that I never got good. That being said, I gotta keep trying. Robert's bragging makes me so turned off by his personality lately, and he corrects and critiques things that I say and do. Has it always been like this? Or does he have a chip on his shoulder? I have no idea. I don't really like it.

yours
Emily