22. New Years Resolutions and other stuff.

Sup guys?

Just got back from a very long seven hour shift at work. Jay informed me that I will be getting paid for those 30 hours.... in another two weeks. Fuck, I'm getting really tired of this. He told me I'd be getting paid for those hours on my last paycheck. Thank God I don't have an apartment or a family to feed otherwise they'd be pretty irritated and hungry. haha

So, that Zach (a.k.a.Berry, Brenna's friend from awhile back that stopped talking to me abruptly) guy really proved himself to be a complete puke, but luckily had some closure with him. Last night he spontaniously texted me after not talking for four weeks, "Wanna hook up again?" I had deleted his number, so I texted him back "Who's this?" and he's like "Berry." Five minutes later, as I responded when I was on break he writes "Well?" Ugh. Obviously, zero respect for me. Have I wanted to hook up with him again? Yes. But do I have dignity? ..Or am I at least working on it? Yes. First, sort of dumbfounded, I said "Dude don't you have a girlfriend?"
After driving home, pissed off that he texted me about it in the first place, I also wrote, in a nutshell: "And honestly, I don't want to hook up with you again. I didn't want the "hookup" to be just that but you manipulated me by acting like you actually had feelings toward me. Fuck no, I'd rather not make that mistake again." <- That's actually a little nicer than what it said, but it was basically the same thing. Also, I sound a lot less pathetic than that. Anyway, he told me he didn't have a girlfriend and that he didn't have a committment of any kind with anyone. Yet you post statuses with that gross dumpy girl all the time? Errm, I'm sure she wouldn't be thrilled if she knew he was trying to hook up.

Anyway, he didn't respond until this morning at like 6' am. I was up because I was getting ready for work. He told me that when we hooked up he didn't know I was moving. What a cheap ass excuse. I told him I wasn't moving until September, but regardless he shouldn't base his opinions of someone around when they're moving or not. This went on for awhile with long time stretches in between texts. I had to go to work, so we were having this conversation throughout the day. This is why I hate texting.

Long story (well, not really) short, he made the excuse that he's moving in June. Great, good ridance. Seriously I could give a shit. I really wanted to bitch him out but at this point, but I offered to still be friends to be on good terms, though re-reminded him that I don't want a fuck buddy or any of that bullshit. He responded "nah." Great! 'Have a nice life :)' is what I wrote back. I didn't bitch him out because I'd rather he didn't spread any garbage around about me.

This might sound like a sob story, but for me it's actually a story of strength for me. Yes, I didn't nessasarily tell him straight and bitch him out like I would of to almost anyone that gave me shit online or via text, but this is a huge step for me. I DIDN'T hook up with him. I went on a night walk with Lindy after work, and stayed home. I TOLD HIM NO.

Which leads me to my New Years resolutions for 2012.

2012 Resolutions

1. Be more of a bitch. Bitches have self worth.

Now, a bitch in a sense that I will no longer be a pushover toward men. I will save my kindness and patience for work and the people that I actually care about. This year I was manipulated, and had a vicious cycle of bad men and rejections, making my trust in men very VERY slim. But I'm still alive, STD free, and I still look pretty damn good even if I've gone through an emotional hellride.

2. Get more sleep. 

This is really important. I haven't been getting a good amount of ZzZ's in forever. Especially with my school schedule starting so early in the morning. I'm gonna be waking up at 5'. Barely made it to work on time (scheduled at 7:45) when I woke up at 6:30.

3. Learn all the System of a Down songs on guitar.

Well, probably won't learn all of them, but I'll get the best chunk done that I can. I've already got two down (Hypnotize and Soil), and I'm working on a third (Holy Mountains).

4. Have Faith in myself.

I need to stop wasting so much energy on putting myself down because of the mistakes I've made that have left me sad and humiliated. I have nothing in life to be humiliated for. Those weird fat coupon ladies with their toddlers? They have something to be humiliated for, and they have way more self confidence than I do.

I have really spent too much time in my life being miserable, and it's time to make an effort to be a happier person. Because I'm 20 years old, that's like a 4th of my life that I've spent miserable. I don't need anyone to give me the happiness I deserve. I have to find it myself. There's nothing a man can give me that can make me genuinely happy. It's all lust, it's all short lived. Most relationships are complete bullshit and people just get in them for the attention and admiration/envy of others. I need to find this happiness myself.

5. Develop a closer relationship with God.

I'm tired of being afraid of dying. My anxieties are worsening and I need help.

Pretty powerful goals. But I am feeling like this year will be a breakthrough for me. No, things might not nessasarily change that dramatically, but I can only try and improve my life one step at a time. And I really think these goals will help me. I've been trying to keep a possitive outlook on things. Guitar and hanging out with Jake has helped a lot.

yours,

Emily

Love is a fallen word. And never spoken here. [Very deep thought and reflection.]

Waiting for the one,
The day that never comes,
When you stand up and feel the warmth,
But the sunshine never comes,

No the sunshine never comes

 

You know, I thought getting together with Guy last night would make me feel relieved and better about myself because I've craved that attention that I got from him and just wanted to get away and have a fling for the night to escape the emptiness feeling that plagues me like a bad parasite that keeps me from doing what I know is "right."

Originally, yes, we did have a very good time. I drove over to his house yesterday from CBC after an extremely confusing lab and a successful test (I'm almost sure I aced that thing). Hermiston isn't that far, but when we got together we just pretty much laid around and watched movies like friends and talked. We usually do have really good conversations together, especially now that we've gotten to know eachother better. We actually have funny shit to look back on how in the past couple months, and I feel like he actually IS one of my friends now.

But it really is "just friends." 100%. And now that I realize this, that there is no chance what-so-ever that we will be in a relationship, sex becomes rather empty. Granted, it feels good. We have fantastic sexual chemistry. But I enjoyed it a lot more back when I felt that he might "like" me and now that I realize that he doesn't it just makes me feel even worse than before. Though I do feel like last night was inevitable, I am still not feeling great about myself. Because honestly, 180 days? I'm still keeping myself to the "no new partners" aspect of it, but now that I've broken my promiss to myself I'm feeling like I set myself up for it.

Every girl wants affection. And I can't deny that as much as I like to deny it, I'd like to have someone that cares about me enough to say that I'm their girlfriend. Actually gives a shit about me long enough to wait. But there is a huge problem with this.

I am not attracted to the "nice guy" type, at all. In fact they creep me out.

I have always been the most attracted to guys that have these traits:

-Socially confident.

-Considers himself the best looking one in the room, regardless if he is or isn't. So cocky, essentially.

-Is DOING stuff. Not just sitting around trying to get ahold of me but out having a life. Though this person would have to be willing to incorporate me at least somewhat into this life.

-Is willing to have fun. I can't stand guys that are "Straight edge" and take themselves way too seriously, but are actually willing to have fun, party and make a drunken ass of himself once in awhile.

-A sense of humor, usually a dark one. I, however, can't stand men that try way too fucking hard to make everyone around laugh all the time, even if what he's saying is crude and disgusting. This has ruled out a few people for me.

-Moderately have his shit together. At least somewhat knows what he wants.

-Isn't into corny romantic bullshit.

-Physically attractive to me. There is no way around this. I'm sorry but even if someone is mentally compatible with me in every aspect, if there is no physical attraction what so ever, it will never work. I know immediately if someone has any potential or not, which immediately rules out a lot of men. But I'm not willing to change this. I refuse to ever be with someone I'm not physically attracted to because that's stupid.



That being said, you can SEE why I have an attraction to Guy. He has all of this traits, to some extent.



But it's not honest affection. He does not care about me at all in that way, but that's what I signed up for at the get go. We're both clear on this. We've talked about it-- extensively, and he's made it perfectly clear that I'm not what he's looking for that way. Yet we continue to do this because it's using eachother.

I think what triggered these emotions today, more than anything, is this article that Katharine posted that she said was "So true" titled "How to Live a Great Love Story." (http://donmilleris.com/2011/08/02/how-to-live-a-great-love-story/)

1. Don’t hook up: Girls shouldn’t make it too easy on the guy. Don’t hook up, in other words. A recent article in Scientific American revealed when a girl hooks up with a guy, she esteems him very highly. She may think of him as powerful or famous, somebody who is strong. But the opposite is actually true from the guys perspective. Guys hook up with girls they find less attractive and sexually easy. All they want is sex, and so if they perceive she will give them sex and then get out of their lives, they are going to jump at the chance. The girl may feel very wanted and beautiful but the truth is he’s insulting her. If he thought of her with respect, he’d sit and ask questions about her life and her family. He’d try to get to know her because he wants to develop a friendship and perhaps a romantic relationship. In other words, guys don’t hook up with girls they would marry. They marry the girls they get nervous around and are made to pursue. So, if you become a “hook up” girl you get labeled, in the minds of guys as a girl you really don’t have to fight for.

Just by reading this I immediately feel unsuperior and ashamed of my life currently, as well as slightly hopeless. Reason being. I look at how this is "supposed" to play out according to this article:

1. Boy meets girl.
2. Boy falls in love with girl.
3. Girl is a bit hesitant knowing her heart is tender and could get hurt.
4. Boy proves himself strong enough to handle and defend her heart.
5. Girl trusts boy and they live happily ever after.

Versus how it actually tends to work out for me:

1. Girl meets boy.

2. Girl thinks boy is hot and feels like there could be some potential there, so girl starts talking to boy.

3. Boy is interested by girl's ass and finds girl interesting enough to talk too. 

4. Girl and boy end up hooking up because girl is turned on by boy.

5. Girl ends up attracted to boy more than boy is attracted to girl and boy feels like he can get BETTER than this girl with some other girl.

6. Girl realizes this, and decides that the boy wasn't right for her anyway. Girl moves on, pissed off and depressed for awhile but gets over it.

Process repeats.

I'm not going to say that this has always been how it is, because I admit there have been guys that have liked me, but none of which I've had any interest in because they don't fit nearly any of the traits that I listed above. This last little passage of how it works out typically is only about guys that I HAVE been attracted to in the past. And believe it or not, I'm not attracted to many people. In fact, there's only been a couple of my boyfriends that I was actually attracted too completely.

I think it's time to be honest with myself. I have made some major mistakes, and I need to stop doing what I'm doing because all it does is make me more and more depressed about this aspect of my life. Though I am not expecting to meet anyone anytime soon that I am physically, mentally and sexually attracted too that feels the same way about me, I need to at least get some self worth back. I thought this 180 day challenge thing would work, but then when I found out that I'm not going to be getting my AA anytime soon and could be potentially stuck in the tri cities for even longer, it has lead me to pretty much give up.

5. Have some faith: I’ve noticed that most women who complain a good man won’t come along are actually interested in the wrong guys. They make lists of their perfect gentleman coming to rescue them meanwhile they’re hooking up with guys who have a track record of just having sex with random women. Really? Your husband won’t really care what you say, he will care what you do. We tell our love stories with our actions, not our words. Life isn’t a Taylor Swift song, with all the hardship left out. It works more like a Normal Mailer novel, with all the gritty garbage left in. Stop falling for the romantic version of life, and start realizing that a romantic story is told with an enormous amount of pain, sacrifice, suffering and patience.

This is actually very inspiring to me, regardless of the fact that I've broken the main rule in it. I just really need to be patient, but when you've been patient practically your whole life and it has never worked out, then you lose this mentality because you feel like if you're patient then nothing will actually ever happen.

6. Don’t be thirteen: Unless you’re thirteen, ladies, grow up. Many women claim that men just won’t grow up, but then you sit and talk to them and realize they haven’t grown up either. They aren’t strong enough to demand something more from their men. They aren’t strong enough to say no to a guy who just wants to use them. These are all elements of immaturity. And it’s the stuff of a bad love story. A good man will attract a good woman. And a victim will attract a predator. Stop acting like a victim.Act like a dignified woman who believes her company is valuable and should come at a price.

Yet, another thing that I really need to work on. I really need to stop feeling like the man is doing ME a favor by giving me his time. Maybe I really do need to "grow up" and stop feeling sorry for myself because this aspect of my life has completely been a failure to this point, and seems to be getting worse instead of better.

At first when I was reading this I'm like "WOW, not how real life works at all.." but now I realize that there are some major things in this that I need to adapt into my life.

Yes, I'm a metalhead.

Yes, I'm an artist.

I'm a klutz.

I'm loud.

I don't think before I speak at times.

I've had depression.

I love incense, pot, the bass guitar, and talking for hours on end.

Yes, I'm different.

Yes, I've made some mistakes in my life.

But SOMEONE will accept me eventually and love me regardless, and doing what I'm doing now and getting beat up over this isn't going to get me any closer to that. That being said, my 180 day challenge was NOT the best approach because what that essentially said was that I'm going to completely cut myself off from men from 180 days because that's unrealistic. And what was supposed to happen after that 180 days? I imagine I'd go hook up with someone because I'd be so sexually repressed that I'd be mind fucked.

The 180 day challenge is null and void, but I am placing the goal for myself that I need to respect and honor myself way more. It's the biggest challenge in my life, and always has been. Respecting myself is harder than any sport I've played, any diet, any test in school... Life is extremely hard, but I feel that before I can love anyone else or be happy in any way I'm going to have to learn to respect myself and love myself.

And in the times that I've done this before I feel like I've never been true to this because I've been hesitant to post this because of fear of what someone might think, but I doubt anyone has the patience to read all this. This is for me. These are all realizations that I have to make in my life or I'm going to be miserable with myself forever, regardless of how well I do in school or how many accomplishments I have or how much money I make.

And suddenly I'm feeling a lot better. Thanks again, blog.

Yours,

Emily