I really didn't let half this drama bother me that much. [Project timeline, age 16]

Jessika is back on the scene.

I saw that she updated her profile picture today, which was the first update I'd seen from her since June 5th (around the time we had the falling out). Back then I figured she'd blocked me but I later realized that she temporarily shut down her facebook. I had actually wondered in the bath today what she'd been doing. I had more assumed she'd moved away, like to Idaho or something to help take care of her friend's baby.

Nope, she's still here.. I have no idea where she's living or what she's doing but I have no intention of asking or clearing the air between her and I. I'd rather put that to bed for good. However, I will not delete her from my friends list. Seeing her occasional updates might be interesting. I love facebook for that reason, you can see what people are up too while keeping your distance.

 Last night I spent the night at Katelynn's house and slept on her mom's mattress that she's going to sell soon. I actually really like that mattress, or maybe it's just that I like the sheet on top. I have been noticeably more sore lately but I think that's from all my working out with the whey protein. That stuff lets you work out for longer periods of time but it has a tendency to let you over-do it if you're not careful. My abs are really starting to get definition, it's strange.

Onto my project timeline again. Going back further I have to dig into my old myspace, back even further I'll have to go into my old photobucket account... I don't think I have any pictures of me when I was a child on my facebook, we'll have to wing it with snapshots from my phone. Until then...!

Project Year Timeline, 

Age 16, 2007-2008

Year of blissfully surviving social nightmares.

At 16 I was sort of starting to find my identity. I knew I didn't fit in that great with the mainstream popular leadership kids after getting shut out by them the previous year, and I was ready to find a more accepting crowd and move on. 

Unfortunately this was hard to do, because the way I saw it I had two choices: Either find some freshmans to hang out with or try finding friends two classes above me. Katharine's class was off limits because I knew pretty much all of them from being friends with Katharine, and none of them seemed like they'd want to hang out with me. Maybe someone would have if I tried, but I didn't, they were an extremely tight class and had very defined groups of friends that I didn't fit into. 

The previous year had been really rough for Katharine and I, which I will explain when I talk about 15. During soccer Katharine would snap at me for one reason or another, like this one time she was at the front of the line when we were running tied hand to hand with the rope and I asked a question to the girl in front of me (probably Alex S.) and Katharine yelled out the answer, sarcastically, as if it was a stupid question. Caitlin D. yelled that we needed to stop fighting immediately. 

Soccer season was rough especially because I hardly got any playing time. Lindy played defensive center mid too and scored a couple goals with her enormous kick and put me out of the job. I was a solid varsity player though, never had to play on JV. There was actually enough of us to have a jv team that year. 

Katharine was going to CBC but she was still in yearbook with me. We had soccer sports awards and I apparently didn't get the memo on when they'd be held. I had forgot about it and NOBODY called me to tell me it was going on. It pissed me off so bad that I started cursing and crying in Mrs. Tyrell's room, and Katharine just shrugged like I should have known. She could have easily called. Soccer season ended badly on that note and I didn't know if I wanted to play again. 

On top of that I was dealing with absolutely crazy shit with Tony L. and Genisis, the younger sister of my ex boyfriend Chino. Genesis printed a bunch of flyers saying I'm a "hoe" and left them all over the football stadium. She was never punished for it. 

You see I'd made some other friends, a much larger group consisting of a lot of foriegn exchanged kids. Austy C. was a really well liked person and she seemed to like me after I'd become friends with Heather E. the previous year. 

They were a really good group of girls, definitely involved in the school and super spirited (note that I was NOT. I was actually anti-school spirit after my previous year...).. Austy and Chelsea L. really were the group leaders and we'd all sit together at lunch. 

I was really envious of this girl in my group named Alice (pronounced "Aliche"). Well, I'm pretty sure almost girl in the school was. She was drop dead gorgeous, I mean tall, rich, beautiful, tan, from Milan. At the beginning of the year I was pissed about it, I was like, okay now my chances of dating anyone in highschool are probably even worse. Ha ha little did I know Chino wouldn't have let me date anyone regardless. Once I got to know Alice, though, I really enjoyed her company and stopped caring. She ended up dating Tony L. (Chino's cousin) who at the time absolutely despised me. 

Jack and I started talking on the phone this year at some point. During one of our long phone conversations Jack asked me where he should take Aliche on a date. 

Not far from Austy's group sat Kandyce's group. Kandyce and her minions were sort of the power in numbers clique that were SUPER school spirited and supportive of our football team that was doing really well that year. Kandyce was a friend of Chino's (well, Chino didn't care that much about her I don't think but Kandyce would hold parties and Chino would probably be there...) and after an atrocious experience at Warped Tour her whole group wanted to make my highschool experience a nightmare.

I guess they failed at that. Because in all of this, all these people gunning for me, I somehow stayed pretty in my own world. I think at the time I was playing a lot of video games and hanging out with Katelynn when I could. 

Academics weren't great this year. I really excelled in English with Tyrell but I had to deal with an elective nightmare. Stupid Minkler put me in Welding the first half of the year... Oh my God, Welding, THAT was an experience...

I'm pretty sure I had a crush on every guy in my welding class, namely Levi D. At the time I had just broken up with Chino, who all these guys partied with. No way in HELL they wanted to date me at this point. I was totally off limits. I don't think me and Chino were talking at the time so I didn't understand. Jessica S. was in my welding class, did much better than me, was a favorite of the teacher and got flirted with all the time. Obviously I'd be jealous for this reason. I was really happy when this half of the year was over. 

I was then placed in a weight training class, which was completely full of guys aside from Katharine, Emily B., and Jessica S. Katharine at the time was more than happy to just be partners with Miguel, who she'd started dating recently. Jessica and Emily would work out together and wouldn't really include me so I was stuck without a partner. I didn't have a partner that whole half of the year, I was really fortunate this group of hispanic girls let me in. They'd talk in Spanish together and take turns getting stuck with me. 

Things didn't get much better in the Spring. Tennis was rough because I had started acting like a complete bitch toward Haley in order to regain my friendship with Katharine. This didn't really work; actually when I'd talk bad about Haley toward Katharine to try to impress her she'd say "Haley isn't that bad, actually!" This completely drove me up the wall because HALEY was the whole reason Katharine was mad at me the previous year; of course it was clear that this wasn't the only reason once it that "problem" was taken care of. 

Me and Haley got in a number of arguments, including one on the tennis bus over some headphones. She would take falls during challenges so she could be in the 2nd seat because I seemed to WANT to play first seat. Actually my sophomore year I didn't want to play first seat, I wanted to beat Haley because I didn't like her and she didn't want to give me the satisfaction. What better way than to put a 16 year old against girls that completely whiped the floor with my face? I probably deserved it, honestly. Haley ended up quitting and I was stuck playing monsters the rest of the season. I think I won a couple matches, it was good practice however for the next year.

Overall:

Looks: I was still sort of dressing/dying my hair how my mom told me it would look the best. I did the blonde thing most of the year and didn't feel that comfortable with it for the most part. I dressed in plain, sort of preppy clothes from Pac Sun, JCPennies or the new Fuego. 

Work: This was the height of babysitting for Chad and Carmin, I'd be over there multiple times a week pulling practically all nighters. I had just started driving and would get pulled over by cops for violating curfew.

Skills: Developing tennis skills, I wasn't that good but I still loved it. 

Love:

I guess one of the best things about my sophomore year WAS Connor. I had talked to Audrey, his best friend, and ended up meeting up with her to go to Ray's. I met Connor and we clicked almost immediately. We'd cuddle in Audrey's basement in this spare bedroom downstairs. There was a lot of crazy shinanigans going on that I wasn't used too.

Connor was a huge smoker, and I'd never been around that before nor did I really know what it was. It didn't bother me though because I liked Connor so much I was willing to put up with whatever. It really drove his day to day life back then, though, and it bothered me that he cared more about it than he did me. Overall, though, my relationship with Connor was good. 

The timing really was perfect (around tennis season my Sophomore year). I was never really attracted to Chino and after our relationship was over I was looking for another guy that resembled Toren-- long hair, skater type, etc... and Connor fit the mold of what I was looking for even better because he was tall. I really liked this one and it took a long time to get over him after we were through around July. it's funny, in the times we've spent together he said the same thing even if he acted as though he didn't give a f*ck either way at the time.

I've never really had a relationship like Connor's since we broke up in 2008.. It  really has been that long. Regardless of Connor's lifestyle's contrast to mine (I was still pretty goody two-shoes back then, Hell I still am in a lot of ways) he still really liked me for me and I think that was the last time I really had faith in love. 

Granted I can't say I really loved Connor, but I'm sure I wouldn't have broken up with him and it could have gone there. It's probably for the best that it didn't, he didn't like how caught up I was with school and sports and discouraged it. Sports kept me out of trouble.

Music: I had a Zune with a huge amount of memory so I started buying CDs from all sorts of rock genres. One of the CDs that I bought was Trivium; I originally got it for Katharine (not realizing at the time that Katharine didn't like metal at all) but she didn't really want it so I kept it myself. This was really my first exposure to metal. 

I mainly listened to Coheed and Cambria. Katelynn got me really into them when we started talking again and she burnt me a couple CDs such as Junesong Provision. 

Confidence: 

Like I said before I really didn't let half this drama bother me that much. I wrote a lot in my blog to get it off my chest but I was able to escape by playing video games, namely Bully for the PS2 that we'd finally purchased that year. My mom was always really stressed about my drama but I put a lot of it behind me. Needless to say I didn't really like Ki-Be, but I dealt with it and figured it was just part of being an underclassman. If I had to do it all over again I probably would abandon sports and transfer to Kamiakin because I had a long road ahead. 

Alright that's it for now. Tomorrow I'll talk about 15, my year of being CRAAAAAAAAZY.

peace. 

I probably did act obsessed. [Project Year Timeline, 17.]

I've got a few things I've gotta get done today.

First of all, I need to pick out a small piece of something showy that I can use in a video promoting Jacob's business. Apparently my two videos weren't the correct format that he was looking for so I need to do the following:

-Play 20 seconds (something fast)
-State my name, how long I've gotten lessons with A Sharp Guitar School, and why I like it.

Done.

I just have to find what I'm going to play. He told me to choose something that I'm comfortable with but I think instead I'm going to find something new, like maybe I'll find a piece of Phantom of the Opera and really shred on it over and over today until it sounds good enough for the video. Maybe not today but sometime this week this has to get done...

I'm probably just going to hang out with Katelynn again today. I hung out with Samantha for the last time before I leave yesterday. It was a really nice time, we walked around shops like Leyte. I'm planning on making some fried noodles tonight with tempura, yum!

And back to my project....

Project Year Timeline

Age 17, 2008-2009

Last year of being wrapped up in highschool, failed relationships and becoming a true metalhead. 

Junior year I sort of found my first concrete group with Robert, Skyler, Logan and Tyler. I'd always liked Robert from when I'd met him in middle school, I remember the first thing I said to him (when I was about 12) is that he "looked like the guy in System of a Down." I think I meant Daron Malakian at the time. Anyway, Robert invited me to Logan's on halloween and I started spending time with them both in and outside of school. We all took Spanish together.

Junior year was my peak with soccer, I remember doing really well that year even if our season wasn't fantastic. Marty played me a lot more, but because of my aggression I really only got significant chunks of playing time against teams like Naches, Connell, etc... I started to get a little more control than I did my sophomore year, but my passing and dribbling skills were still crummy. Actually they always were. My only real skill in soccer was the human shield factor, and it served it's purpose on many occasions. 

I don't miss that part of highschool at all.

One memory that I AM quite fond of is having Calligraphy with Skyler F. We sat next to eachother at this extremely crowded table of David P. (who I honestly sort of had a crush on that year even if he was a sophomore), Drake J., Zach K. and Dwight R. It was a pretty difficult art class but we had a lot of fun doing lettering projects. I'm pretty sure Skyler and I were the only ones at the table that passed the class, the rest of them would spend more time screwing around than actually working... I wasn't very good at calligraphy itself at the beginning and really had to work at it to get it down. Still, the class was two hours long and we had a blast ripping on eachother, talking about music and joking around. 

I also joined the art club this year and went on a field trip to Seattle, another one of my fondest memories. I spent a lot of time with Sitthinee and learned about Thai culture. 

I went to my only prom my Junior year with Robert, Amy, Samantha and Shawn. This was before me and Sam were really friends, but I think I was *trying* to be her friend so I invited them along. I remember singing System of a Down in the car with Robert like a f*cking nut and it makes me a little embarrassed but it makes smile at the same time. 

Prom was really, really fun. We had an awesome time and that dress was HOT, HOT, HOT.

I had the craziest tennis season Junior year because of the problems I had with Nicki. This picture might actually be from sophomore year because it was taken at the courts across from Wolfies... What made Junior year interesting is that those beautiful new courts were built so we ALL got WAY more practice time than we did waiting in line for others when we only had two courts.

I said things to Nicki that I really would never think to say to anyone... it was horribly mean and out of character for me but she was being a two-faced bitch and threatened my 1st spot, I felt a need to damage her psychologically to better my chances to get ahead. To be honest we were very neck in neck in our playing skills, Nicki worked hard... which made me work harder. I got lessons, practiced with Lindy as much as I could, then was able to maintain my position. Not with the help of the coaches, they hated me that year. I had no support from them, which was frustrating, and I couldn't even celebrate my wins without feeling guilty about it. The whole season was an emotional mind f*ck; I hated it. 

Somehow I was able to come back the next year and completely kick ass, but Junior year was a huge struggle in tennis because of all the drama. I did have a lot of support from friends though, at the time I'm pretty sure I was hanging out a lot with Lindy, who was also on the tennis team and more than happy to rip on Nicki with me.

 It's sad when I look back on it, just to let the reader know, I DID apologize to Nicki. Though it wasn't all one sided (she admits to being out of line in her behaviors that CAUSED me to act like this), I still felt extremely bad a couple years later and said I was sorry at RadCon this last year. She's okay, neither of us ever became big tennis stars (hahaha) and none of it ever mattered so I don't know why we let ourselves get so wrapped up in sports... 

I guess they were the most important thing at the time, everybody wants some sort of glory from beating others. Again, don't miss sports.

Overall: 

Looks: 

I wore a LOT of Metal t-shirts that year, I guess probably more to impress Robert and Skyler and them than anything, it's like I really wanted to prove that "Yes, I like this music too, I'm one of you guys." 

I took that friendship pretty seriously, you guys have to understand that I never really had any close friends in my class of 2010 so finding a group that was only slightly younger than me and didn't know my past very well gave me a chance to have a clean slate and really be myself. I could never be myself around my own class because they were very mean and exclusive toward me; it's like nobody in my class really seemed to like me enough to want to spend time with me, I gave up. Wearing the metal t-shirts, again, was like quietly taking a stand against them. 

Work:

Babysat for Carmin and Chad. This was before Tori. 

Skills:

I mainly focused on sports, but I did learn calligraphy this year which I still remember the alphabet for today. Mrs. Mowery told us that we'd never forget and it's a skill we'll have the rest of our lives, it's true! 

Love:

Chad reminds me of Hank Hill (I look back on him and I can REALLY see why him and Caitlin worked well together). He was so logical and didn't get half the crazy shit I probably talked about. 

The main guy that I liked this year was Chad S., and I liked him for a pretty long time afterward because we ended up meeting up again late in my senior year (which didn't work a second time around, either. I'm not going to go into detail.) Anyway, i had Chad in my Junior honors English class. Chad was a year older but was taking the class because he didn't take English at CBC. This was so *like* him to just not do something because they didn't feel like it at the time; what I liked about Chad is that he really knew what he wanted.

He didn't want me. He might of... had I have been myself instead of acting like a stupid bimbo around him. Back then I'd never had much luck with guys because in highschool it seems like guys only go for stupid girls. So what does an intelligent girl do? She dumbs herself down!! Shouldn't have done this around Chad, he got annoyed quickly. He was really physically attracted to me, and I REALLY was toward him too, so initially our weird cat and mouse game that we were playing in English worked out. I bugged the shit out of him. 

I remember going over to his house once, he basically lived on a farm. His family had all sorts of country decor and heads sticking out from the walls. We really had nothing in common but something about him really enticed me... Needless to say, it hurt pretty bad when he DIDN'T want to be together. At all. In fact he wanted to stay the Hell away from me after awhile because Caitlin D. (his ex girlfriend that played soccer with me) was giving him a ton of shit for showing any interest in me.

The time spent with Chad was actually DURING soccer season, which is when Caitlin was on the same team and probably had to hear me go on and on about how great Chad is. During Basketball season she told all the cheer girls that I was obsessed with him on the bus. Word got back to me and I wanted to kick Caitlin's ass, but ended up just confronting her about it... sort of, really all I said was that I was "disappointed" in her. I really should have said, "Look bitch, keep my name out of your mouth..." but at this point things were such a lost cause with Chad that I didn't care.

I probably did act obsessed. I was just really lonely at the time and didn't know how to handle myself I suppose. 

I can't remember if this is before, during or after I liked Chad but I also liked Tyler D. during my Junior year when I was hanging out his friends (Robert, Logan, Skyler). At the time Tyler was an extremely closed book, I probably shouldn't have been as persistent with him... Actually a girl shouldn't EVER be persistent with a guy, I learned this lesson from guys like this. But when you never get pursued and everybody else has boyfriends, sometimes I just tried to do what I thought I had to do. 

I was just so lonely in that aspect of my life after having serious boyfriends the previous year. I still must have had some faith in it my junior year at the beginning but after Tyler treated me like shit and Chad didn't work out I threw in the towel for anyone wanting a relationship with me. I stopped caring as much. 

Me and Robert's favorite song to sing together, Holy Mountains by SOAD. 

Music:

LOTS and LOTS of System of a Down. I REALLY got into them my Junior year with Robert and we used to sing in the car together when we'd hang out, it was so much fun. I wasn't THAT into Metallica at first, but my friends were listening to them all the time so I sort of had to get a taste for it. In time I ended up really into them too. 

Confidence:

Pretty good, certainly better than Sophomore year. Getting some playing time in soccer kind of gave me an edge, which ended up being my major downfall in tennis when I got cocky. I didn't really know how to apply makeup back then so my eyes were oftentimes a smudgey mess but at least I knew how to properly spread foundation. 

Some fun with me and Robert at the end of my Junior year. 

That's it for now, I'm going to make a separate entry for 16, it's going to be a big one!

peace.

It's still pretty early so I figure I'll do my blog before my practice session. [Life timeline, age 18.]

I'm  sort of sore today, probably because of the exercise that I've been doing. I know that I probably drank too much of that protein stuff the last couple days and my body is indicating that I didn't burn all of it off. I need to only do the whey protein once every other day, though I do plan to still work out every day. Maybe I'll cut the half scoop down to a quarter scoop one day, then half scoop the next and see how my body reacts. Too much protein is not good for you, and I'm not used to much because I typically eat hardly any red meat.

It's still pretty early so I figure I'll do my blog before my practice session. I've got my second to last lesson today.

15 Days!!

yahoo.

I'm going to continue my project from yesterday. It still seems pretty nerdy to recap your life thus far on your blog, but I don't really mind. 

Age 18, 2009-2010

Year of limbo between highschool and college, and kicking major ass.

This was a big year because it was my senior year and I was juggling taking classes at Ki-Be and CBC, but at the time I couldn't have been more ready. I had my last real year of the "highschool life" my Junior year, and I felt like I'd outgrown it. Sports were still a big part of my senior year, I finished out soccer pretty strong (We finally went to state, then of course lost, but whatever it was a good run) and had an incredible tennis season. 

I still did a little of the highschool shit, like here's me and Robert before homecoming or some other formal, I can't remember. I didn't go to prom my senior year because I was way too wrapped up in tennis and figuring out graduation. 

I babysat Tori for the little money that I made. I was of course driving back and forth to CBC every day, but because gas prices were lower back then it was a little bit easier to not have a job. It was getting a little awkward for Chad and Carmin as I got older to have me babysit because I was becoming an adult and needed to get an actual job.

Overall:

Looks: I was still wearing Metal T-shirts. Throughout the year as I discovered magibon and cutesy Japanese culture I started incorporating more cute things into my wardrobe, but would usually just wear them to CBC and change into something more dull/comfortable for ki-be. My makeup was still a little cakey and my acne was pretty bad at times but I was getting better. 

Work: Babysitting, but more and more rarely. Chad and Carmin weren't working night shifts anymore because Carmin was a manager at a Starbucks. She didn't need me there anymore at night and would only have me when they went on dates. Those were only $10-12 nights and I was getting too old for it when I'd have a test the night morning. I didn't try that hard to find a new job, though. 

I did end up getting a really good babysitting job during the summer where I was getting paid hundreds each week to watch these two girls from 8-5 pm. They were little manacle bitches though and I had a hard time taking them. That summer I was trying to teach myself guitar with crappy lessons with Neilson and ended up giving up. I thought I'd never learn how to play the guitar. 

Friends: Pretty all over the place. This is the year I really started becoming solid friends with Samantha. At first she seemed a little scared/intimidated by me because A) I was two years older than her and B) she saw a picture of me and her boyfriend together from the previous year--which pissed her off. But eventually she came around and we became really close friends.

Katelynn was wrapped up with Zach W. at Hanford, so I rarely saw her. We really only started hanging out once she got back in her Mom's house. We haven't had a hiatus since we started hanging out again back then. At the time that me and Katelynn DID start talking again she was dating Jon A., who I remember taking senior pictures for holding his clarinet. I was just happy she was away from Zach because he has a destructive personality, regardless of being really sweet to people. 

Once me and Katelynn started spending more time together we were much closer than we'd ever been as friends. We really started to get eachother more than we ever had.

Katharine and I had become close friends again during the tennis season of my senior year. Katharine took a lot of good pictures of me playing during my first round of state. I gave those girls a hell of a run. 

Skills: I ended up setting a record for most consecutive wins at Ki-Be. I felt accomplished with that and never wanted to play tennis again... It's been two years since then and I still don't feel like I'd want to play it. Sports were great but blegh they got old.

Love: Dated that guy James R. for a little while during the winter. This is a guy that Marco M. was best friends with and introduced me too after me and Marco had a falling out. Don't ask how this happened, I'm not sure myself but all I know is that Marco was spending a lot of time with Josie (Josie and I seem to have the same taste in men) and that led me to not talking to him. 

James was not like Marco though. Marco was really spontaneous, kind of a chameleon with people, really flirtatious, and a little slow. James was a serious military guy, he REALLY knew what he wanted and completely fell for me immediately. Unfortunately we didn't have the same sense of humor and I got bored quickly, so I had to tell him I couldn't take that he was leaving.

Honestly though, if we HAD grown attached that would have been difficult. I was attracted to James at the time but not as attracted as I was too....

JackJackJackJackJack... Seriously he had me immediately. At the time I had no idea what I was getting myself into emotionally, had I known the amount of time I would end up spending waiting for this person to come around I wouldn't have come over to his brother in law's house that night.  

That winter Jack and I started something, we'd hang out at his place or mine at these weird hours and do quirky things like make sushi or... Oh God, that same night he had this idea that we'd go to the Toyota Arena and build snowmen out the snow shavings from the zamboni, it was such a typical "outside the box" Jack idea that was a miserable fail but it was so  funny. 

This only lasted a couple months; it stopped when he transferred to Central. He'd start talking to me spontaneously over the next couple years but it would all be misleading garbage that confused the shit out of me until I confronted him about it (which was just this summer, actually). 

I did date Lane Hammitt for a little while after the second falling out with Chad. They were friends. Lane was sort of dumb, though, we didn't click and I just think I wanted to have a boyfriend to hang around with. It lasted a few weeks. I also dated a Chinese guy for two weeks that Michael Z. introduced me too. It didn't work out, he didn't have anything to say. 

Confidence: Not bad, actually I was sort of cocky because I got good grades at CBC and got sort of self important. Little did I know I still had A LOT to learn before I'd knew how to handle myself in college classes. I was so annoying because I'd ask too many irrelevant questions because I thought college classes were like highschool classes where professors WANT student input. Thank God I've changed. Tennis gave me some confidence too, I was just really ready to be out of highschool. 

Here's some videos from 2010 when I was that age. 

One of the really exciting experiences of 2010 was going to my first GOOD anime convention, Otaku Con 2010.

There's me in the costume was horrendously constricting and uncomfortable. I had a really fun time at the con though and met a lot of good people. This gave me more inspiration to study Japanese the next year at CBC. 

Kuro neko con was really fun, I cosplayed on both days and my Grandma made me a really nice lucky star costume. I might even sell that dress on ebay, it's THAT well made and realistic. I remember we spent the night at that nasty hotel and had to SWITCH hotels because we couldn't take anymore. I remember having a lot of extra money that summer. Probably, again, because gas prices were lower and all the extra money.

(well that about wraps up 18, tomorrow I'll do 17 so stay tuned, haha)

How else would I spend it. (Project year timeline, 20, 19.)

Time is funny to think about.

We as humans live with the inevitable. We are given the gift of life and someday we will die, it's something we must accept and learn to live with in order to live a happy, progressive, fulfilled life. If we spend too much time worrying about what's going to come in the afterlife, we're wasting valuable time that we could spend LIVING.

As we grow older we change as people, we get a better idea of our identity and place in society, as well as reflect on how we've grown and changed. Time seems to go by slow, I felt as though I'd never get out of here but here it is.... August 27th, I've now got . . .

16 days! 

I hung out at Katelynn's last night. We're trying to spend as much time together as we can before I leave. I'm probably going to hang out with her again on Tuesday after I hang out with Samantha. Samantha doesn't know about this yet but we've sort of gotten into a routine about when we all hang out. How else would I spend my last two weeks here but hang out with my best friends.

You know what might be fun? (Well, for me) Instead of a typical countdown, I think for every blog entry that I write between now and when I leave I'm going to talk about that year and post a picture from that year (if I have one). I'm going to do this to reflect, and by the end of this I should have a whole timeline from year to year. 

I'm not going to start with "16", if I would have had this idea I would have started when I had 20 days left. I guess I'll just do a couple years today and do more of them as I countdown. I hope that in writing these I can someday print my blog and further preserve these vivid memories that swim in my mind. They might not be there forever, as one's mind has a way of forgetting "unnecessary" details in order to make room for whatever your current main focus is. 

Project Year Timeline

Age 20, Present

2011-2012

-Confident

-No longer depressed.

-Found my salvation in the guitar.

-Best shape from workout videos.. no longer sports, running, etc..

..I'm not going to bother talking about myself now because you guys know everything that's been happening in my life lately, this is almost irrelevant. 

I honestly find myself much more attractive than back in 2011 when I was trying to be something I wasn't. Well, with my fashion (or lack thereof, can't say trying to emulate what Magibon and Japanese girls wore was much of a style.)

______________________________________

photo taken July 2011

Age 19, 2010-2011

Year of Magibon, Cuteness, and all the Japanese I could swallow

My 19th year started at CBC, this was my first real year of full time college classes because the previous year I was still going to highschool. After not making any friends at CBC when I was in running start, I decided to get more involved and take a lot of Japanese. Because Japanese is a huge challenge and takes a ton of studying, I needed the inspiration to keep going with it. I started making Bento boxes, watched videos by Magibon, and hung out with other Japanophiles.

And I cosplayed! There's the video from Kuro Neko 2011. Though I look cute and might even appear to be having a good time, 2011 was not nearly as fun for me as 2010. Because I was working in the maid cafe I was literally volunteering for most of the con and didn't get to spend very much time with Shawn, Sam and Eddie. I really shouldn't have done it but I thought it would be an amazing time because what could be funner than working in a REAL Japanese emulated maid cafe, right?

Feels silly now that I look back on it. 

The truth is that back in 2011 I was still very insecure. My year started out bad when I met Michael K. from Indianapolis and scared my parents half to death that I actually might be with a person loud and obnoxious like that. 

Summer 2011. When I took Japanese and went to anime conventions, I tried to surround myself that I felt wouldn't judge me. A lot of people that go to anime conventions are artsy, open minded types-- and typically very friendly! Same with the people that took Japanese with me. Of course there's good and bad people in any situation... But I really can't think of any particularly *mean* people that I've ever met in the Japanese culture/anime loving fanbase. Granted I have met irritating as Hell people as well those that are very disconnected with reality... 

2011 was the meat and potatos of community college, I took a lot of my hardest classes and excelled in many. I never took any business classes and just had my mind set on getting my AA in hopes I'd find something I liked.

Overall:

Looks: Broke away from band shirts when I discovered Magibon, so more femininity which got me more attention from guys than I was getting before, including older men such as Tyson, 30-some year old stoner in my Technical Writing class. 

Work: No job, went to school full time and barely got by with what my parents gave me.

Friends: Hung out a lot with people in the Japanese club circle at school. Met Michael Z. and saw him around CBC a lot. I did meet people outside  the Japanese club circle but the friendships would fizzle off. 

Skills: I learned a lot of Japanese when I was 19. I thought that was something I wanted from my career, but really deep down (though I didn't know it yet) it was really just something I had to accomplish because CBC was probably my only chance in life to do it. Got sick of it by 2012 but continued to study it. 

Love: There really was none, I had some BAD experiences with the WRONG guys that were short lived. Guy S. was really the only guy I had extended interaction with, and he was a shady character that for my safety I probably shouldn't have been around. We did have some good times and he kept the beginning of that summer interesting. 

The only guy I really had strong feelings for was Josh F. He and I got along very well and had some hilarious times in Mr. Zhang's math class with the masturbation kid that sat in front of us that we'd try and avert our gazes from. It was so funny, Josh used to start gagged and cracking up at the same time and he'd have to leave lecture. 

I originally met Josh through Tyson. They'd smoke between classes. I felt really uncomfortable with this notion, but I'd sit with Tyson and talk about all sorts of weird theories in the A building before class with old Professor Commeree. Josh would talk to Tyson, and the next quarter we were in Math 96 together. 

June 12, 2011. This was taken really shortly after I met Guy and I remember getting pissed off about the slutty looking girl. I of course at the time had NO idea what I was getting into and probably completely over my head to think I was going to get some sort of.... I don't know, did I want a relationship out of this person? I have no idea. 

In that same Math 96 class I met Cory B., who I went with to get lunch and met Guy when we went back to Cory's house. I remember seeing Guy  looking perfect with his bronze tan, beautiful smile and perfect white teeth and I was hooked. 

Confidence: Not very good because of all of the problems that had occured during the year from choosing the wrong men to be attracted too. I'd sometimes put my foot in my mouth during lectures at CBC before Christian S. told me that I straight needed to SHUT. UP. And. LISTEN. This was a huge step in the right direction for 2012. When this year ended I was happy to have a new start.

I'll do 2010 tomorrow. I now need to start exercising because I just drank a protein drink.

peace.

To my reader.

I'm sort of surprised in my spike of readers... or reader.

For the past month I'm getting more and more post views, which is nice-- I mean I'm REALLY flattered that anyone would want to read all this blather that I post every day. I also appreciate that refrain from leaving comments, not that comments aren't nice once and awhile, it's just that it keeps things impersonal and I can really speak my mind without being in fear about what people are going to say. My blog is a much more open place than facebook, most of my facebook statuses are more witty than personal. 

Some of my posts get more views than others because of subject matter, such as my pageant posts when my sister was going to go for Tri Cities American Miss Princess blah-dee-blah. I very rarely edit my posts, but at times when I have a very popular one I'll go in and clean it up for easier readability. One post that I've editted a couple times was the one about my situation over at Trisha's house, reason being the first time I wrote it I started rushing because I was sick of talking about it. When I rush my writing turns into properly punctuated chicken scratch and makes hardly any sense.

Then maybe it's not a group of new readers at all, but just one reader. If that is the case, HELLO reader! It's a mystery to me but I like it kept a secret, this spike in readers makes me feel special but if it gets TOO high I fear I might be uncomfortable, we'll see I guess. I'll always be blogging somewhere.

John Petrucci, as always. 

I post a lot of pictures of John Petrucci because he's a direct reminder to me that I need to KEEP WORKING HARD on the guitar. Sometimes I'll get cocky, lazy... I'll sometimes lack on practicing because I'll watch Netflix or something and zone out. BAD. I am fighting to keep this same three hour a day flame that I've had for nearly five months now, I've improved so much and he's such an inspiration to me to become the best guitar player I can be.

 I'm striving of course to get 10,000 hours someday. Right now I've got about 500 under my belt (about 450 that have been logged, these are the hours I've done from lessons). I think I'll continue to use the practice sheet method when I get up to school, but I'm going to have to cut my hours to two hours a day instead of three because I'm going to have a lot of school work. Well, maybe not... hard to tell right now. I'm just having a feeling playing guitar for three hours isn't going to be nearly as convenient when I'm taking classes full time AND giving lessons which'll probably be a part time job in itself. 

I really need to print some tabs. I've only got a good copy of Pull me Under on my clipboard, hardly any of the other cool stuff that I've been working on and I've gotta make sure I get some print outs tomorrow. I'm going over to Katelynn's tonight (late) so maybe tomorrow I'll swing by the library and buy the sheetmusic printouts that I need.

Work was boring, but Sarah helped me out a lot today by switching and letting me work the floor when she was first cashier. She was in a much better mood than I was today, I got some rude ass customers within my first half hour of work and I didn't feel like being there in the first place.

At least it's over and I've got the next few days to myself. Six more shifts, woo!

peace. 

Milk in the sink day.

I looked up Milk jugs in cart and got this. I was nervous to look up much else on Google image search with the word "Milk" in it. 

Milk is weird.

It's not something we tend to think about very often because it grosses us out... or not, but one thing's for certain. . . when milk sits out it gets BAD. 

Originally today I was supposed to do blue dots in the cosmetics section, which seemed like a good project for me because I like looking at cosmetics. Within 20 minutes of opening the store a woman told me she was going to buy a gallon of milk and it was warm. The freezer said 60 degrees... Within minutes Linda was bringing up cart fulls of milk that I had to dump in the sink.

Overall, though, today was a good day.. it was not very busy so I was able to finish my project throughout my six hour shift but still had customers to talk too. Linda and I get along well, I think she respects that I'm a hard worker. Jay on the other hand probably hates me because I didn't put some security tags on some razors. He acts like I don't do anything around there because he's never worked one shift with me (thank God). 

Still counting down the days. Let's see, after tomorrow it will be... 

17 more days!

Sunday 8/26 

Thurs 8/30 

Sat Sept 1

Sun Sept 2

Thurs Sept 6

Sat Sept 8

Sun Sept 9 When I say my final goodbyes to the couponers, the little old ladies, or whoever else happens to come in that might've recognized me from before. I've become a recognized cashier at this place to some of them that always make their saturday beer run at Rite Aid.

A few of my favorite beer runners:

-"Gimme some-a those Marlboro blacks." guy. 6-pack of Keystone Lights. He usually beings in a black recyclable Albertson's bag that reeks of cat pee. He wears a bucket hat and speaks in an extremely monotone voice that cracks me up every time he comes in, he's pretty funny. 

-"HEY BRAT." Funky old man with probably late 40's tan lady that somehow knows Josh K. They've always been pretty nice to me, and come in multiple times a day. He usually likes to harass me (in a joking manner), and at times it's annoying.

-Sunday school teacher that comes in at the ass crack of dawn and buys a 6-pack. He's really friendly and he tends to be my first transaction of the day. More than likely, he will be tomorrow too. 

Things get REALLY repetitive there.

I'm so ready to move on, of course, but it's nice to get some of this in writing so I won't forget the many weird details of the memories I've had there. 

peace. 

Weeding through garbage to find the right match, etc..

Hello friends, enemies, whoever is reading this.

I am excited for work today. Why? Because today marks 20 more days! This is my third to last Thursday shift. To make things more interesting, I will really try to work to my fullest extent the next nine days to really leave with a bang so it's good if I need to use them as a reference. Eh, it probably won't make a difference in the long run anyway, I've just got to keep the next nine shifts interesting or the next twenty days will feel longer then it already is.

I just need to think of the Tea Girl, and my Noh mask, and all my other strange symbols that have helped me get through the last few months of being extremely burnt out with my job.

Hard to believe it's been a year! The country fair is in town and lots of people are going to be at the rodeo tonight. I just remember that this time last year I was hanging out with Lindy, Mitch, Tyler and occasionally Samantha and Shawn. We went to the fair on a double date type deal, when really it felt a little silly for me to be walking around with Tyler. I mean don't get me wrong, Tyler is a nice guy, but he's younger than me and he's really not what I was looking for in a boyfriend. At that time, though, there was really nobody that I had met... my circumstances were the same as they are now, but at least now the end is in sight and there will be more opportunities to meet people once I get out of here.

Because really here my efforts on meeting anyone have been futile. I really did give up about six months ago and since then I've had random little flames here and there-- like I'll find someone attractive but I'll never actually commit to a relationship with them unless they meet my real standards. I don't hold too high of standards, I'd really like a guy to be intelligent, attractive, presentable, funny. Those are the four standards that I hold highest. A guy with no sense of humor is no fun to be around at all. I can't be with someone that's stupid or very unattractive. But if they're somewhat different looking the other three traits can easily make up for it and make someone more attractive to me.

It just never happened here. I feel like I've never really been close with anyone. The longest relationship I ever had was with Chino which was back when I was 15 (six months), it's been so long that it almost seems silly to talk about it. Ever since then the amount of time my relationships lasted got shorter and shorter until they evaporated into dealing with guys that only want to hook up and you basically have to wait and wait until it's convenient for them to talk to you.

On the New Year I decided I wasn't going to put up with any more shit and pledged that I wouldn't get close to any guy until I was out of the Tri cities. This actually lasted awhile until me and Connor A. started talking again (Connor being my ex boyfriend from when I was 16). I didn't want to be in a relationship with Connor again but it was really comfortable to be around him because I didn't feel like he was going to use or hurt me in any way so I openned up to him a little bit.

We had a few good visits together and he's really the only one I recall having any feelings toward in 2012. My feelings for him are sort of like "Love," but not in a "I love you" way, but more of a reminiscent connection that I will always have with him. When me and Connor spent time together it made me more forgiving of that time in my life, being 16 and a bit of an emotional rollarcoaster. Me and Connor always clicked really well, and I look back on our relationship as one of my fondest memories from my teens.

I doubt we'll ever spend time together again, he's very wrapped up in his own business as I am with mine. No way of telling if we'll cross paths but I'll always consider him a friend to me.

Things have changed a lot since that time, I'm sure when that guy does come around that I'll know. I'm going to have to weed through more garbage before that time comes, I'm sure, but with the amount of knowledge that I've gained from being emotionally isolated this long there's not much that can penetrate my shield that I've  built unless it really is the right person for me. I'm no longer going to put up with guys that want to hook up with as many girls as they can and still talk to a girl they're interested in emotionally on the side. It's a huge red flag and it's everywhere lately.

Alright I need to play more guitar. Wish me luck at work, hope it goes fast.

peace.