My roommate quest continues.... later....

My day doesn't really start until I have a cup of coffee in hand. Took one sip, wave of nausea, dumped it down the drain. 

I feel rather depressed today. Eli told me she's not going to be able to be my roommate, which sucks because I had a good feeling about that situation. It took her two weeks to tell me this information on facebook. I really shouldn't put all my eggs in one basket.

I'm nauseous and I woke up with a really bad headache. It's 11:11 and I wish that I could feel motivated to get my practice time done and not sleep all day. I was out in the sun for six hours for Kinbri's birthday party and my body is not used to that heat.

I can barely even pay attention to what I'm writing, ugh screw it today. I just feel like crap. Today also marks 30 more days until I'm leaving. I've been feeling stomach flu symptoms and it's making it rather hard to do anything. At least I don't have work or really anything to do except play guitar and maybe I'll read a bit later.

Samantha wanted to go to Wal mart to get a free Ponies poster. I would have been down to most days but not on a day that I'm drained and not feeling well. Ugh, the waves of nausea suck but sometimes I think they are more due to my own paranoia and inability to relax. I always like to keep my mind preoccupied with other things because I'll start thinking TOO much if I don't supplement my time somehow. That's when I go out and spend a bunch of money, like last summer when  I was going around seeking some sort of companionship with people that are going completely different directions in life than I am today.

I just don't want to think about anything. It's still early in the day, I'm just going to play and relax. I will not wear makeup today. I will not drive today. There is no reason for me to go anywhere and I am just going to play my guitar and try to get better. Watch tons of king of the hill.

I am so blessed to live my own life of luxury. Even if my life might not be luxurious to some, I feel very satisfied and whole. It's so nice that I can sit here on a Monday, not have to work, and get well. I should make some tea instead.

peace. 

Thoughts on death and reincarnation.

I feel at peace. I've been thinking a lot about reincarnation lately, and I think I understand my beliefs now on what happens after death. I believe in God, and I believe that Jesus is our savior, but I feel like our souls on this planet are used again and again. I feel like we are one being that God created, and as time goes on souls go through their lives and when they die they go up to Heaven to be judged. I feel like the judgement is that if God feels your soul is ready for the next stage of life... whatever that may be, I don't know. Probably much better than what this world is. Or not. Maybe it's not better or worse, but just different.

Judgement of our Soul's preparedness for the next stage of life...

But I feel like when God judges you he is more judging the maturity of your soul. How much intelligence does this soul have to it's own existence? Did this soul live a fulfilling life and succeed what he or she felt he needed to accomplish?

Or did the soul live a sad life of starvation and hopelessness under the evil and unfairness on the planet?

Maybe the person died young, never got to experience love, never had fulfillment as a human being. 

 I feel like these souls are immediately reincarnated, rather than judged because they never got a chance to experience life. 

But for those that do go through life with fulfillment in what they do, an awareness of who they are, they experience love (whether in another person or in what they do).. It doesn't matter what culture people are from necessarily, everyone has their own standard of living but emotional maturity and fulfillment as a human being translates into all cultures. I feel like THESE people stand before God and make a choice, do you go another life on Earth, with all it's uncertainties and challenges, or do you move on to the next world, not knowing what's ahead. 

Because you think of all of the millions and millions of people that lived before us. How different we all are, it's incredible to think about. I'll watch documentaries of people that lived through World War II, all the Jews that were treated so horrendously and lived their final months fearing their lives. Then you see all the Germans that were living their lives so happily in what their government was spewing to them was the "Right" way to be, and the lying propaganda that stated that they will stem future generations of the Aryan race. This of course didn't happen, but these people for the most part lived out their lives when all of those thousands of Jews didn't get the chance to live theres. Regardless, they are now all dead. Do these souls that had such horrible fates get a second chance?

I hope so. I like to think that I lived previous lives and that my soul is doing it's last go round on Earth. I'm afraid of death, I feel like I think about it more than people my age. I feel like there's some part of me that REALLY wants to get the most out of every single day, have the most fulfilling life I could possibly have. I feel like if I have had past lives I've somehow done well to have earned this one. I have an incredible amount of opportunity that people around me don't have, and I feel blessed by it every day.

Bad souls. What do I believe happens to bad souls like Hitler and Kim Jong Il when they died. I believe they were brought before God and instead of going to Hell, were sent back to Earth reincarnated into a human in the most horrendous of circumstances created by their own reign. I suppose only then could a terrible soul like that get insightful about the pain he had caused. Not that I'm suggesting that there's time travel in this reincarnation cycle. I just mean the evil soul would be then reincarnated into the rubble of the disaster that they'd caused. Or maybe they don't get a second chance at life at all. 

I feel like we are who we are from day 1. Our looks reflect our environment, heritage, age, and things we've experienced in life or even things we stand for, but it isn't always an accurate reflection of our souls. I feel like  looks do tend to match personalities well, however. Certain characteristics in personalities tend to match certain attributes, you could say. Of course there are exceptions. 

I'm always trying to make sense of the world around me now that I'm getting older and trying to figure everything out and make the right choices before I let something stupid happen. I suppose this is just my little piece of spirituality. I don't know what religion this holds similarities too but I know that I'm a Christian regardless of my beliefs on reincarnation.

But religion is funny, when I see how much dictation there is with religion I find it hard to trust. Power finds ways to control people. 

peace. 

My Noh face defense.

I love my Dad, seriously, he sometimes pulls through for me when I really need it most. He gave me $100 to pay off the amplifier that Katelynn and Alan are selling to me, which is really nice because now I can pay that off and not have to worry about it. I barely ask for money from my parents anymore and they appreciate it. My Dad says I've been so "cool" lately, and that's why he gave me the money. Well thank you Dad I think you're cool for doing me this epic favor.

I played a lot of guitar today. Me and Jake got together and jammed for awhile. Fear of the Dark is getting SO close to being upload worthy if I'd just STOP. F'ING. UP. THE INTRO. It's so annoying because I'll come really close and it falls apart when I have to make a rapid string jump.

But today was chill. I did study accounting for an hour and a half so that was productive. Today was 33, that means tomorrow will mark 32 days until I move. Not that I'm counting for any particular reason.

I talked to Jason a bit today, not too much. He had a rock climbing thing going on this morning and I told him that I'm not the adventurous type at all. I hate most high adrenaline things like rock climbing, jumping out of planes, roller coasters, surfing, skiing, dirt biking,... All of these activities just seem very dangerous and I don't want to do them. I'm embarrassed to continue that list of things I wouldn't want to do anytime soon because I'm afraid I'll sound like a bigger rag than I already have.

My life is not that exciting.

I'm not afraid to admit that but I feel like I've been in contact with enough interesting characters that it's fun to keep track of everyone that I've met via this blog. Many people I'll forget I'm sure, like the customers that are regulars at Rite Aid that I often feel obligated to feel happy to see. Oh, hey redfaced alcoholic guy that guys beer or wine twice a day here. Oh hey annoying old man that talks about pulling my ponytail and only buys cigarettes and alcohol. They're all nice people at least. At Wal Mart it's so impersonal, at least my job is a little more interesting. 

I don't like people that put on a big show at their checkstands like Claudia. Jay gave me a big lecture and compared me to Claudia multiple times and it frustrated me.

It's times like this that I put on my artificial Noh face smile. Above is a picture of a traditional Noh mask. Noh masks were used in traditional Japanese masked theater. 

Noh smiles are slightly artificial and insincere, but because you're smiling and cooperating there's so reason for someone to be mad at you. I sometimes put on my Noh face with customers that are joking with me and I don't find them amusing in the slightest, when a boss lectures me on something stupid and out of my control, or when I am dealing with frustrating people. Noh smiles are a skill described in the Memoirs of a Geisha book that I partially read recently.

I'm happy my face isn't as creepy as those masks, though! 

peace. 

Seeing someone for the first time in years

I'm writing to give my hands a break more than anything.

My left hand needs to relax because I've been working on Fear of the Dark for an hour and a half trying to get it to where it's recording ready. I really want to make that second video. I've just it down to just about right but there's still some problems in the intro, as well as coordinating so that the track isn't too loud for my recorder, the amp isn't too loud OR too quiet... recording on a computer is tricky without the proper equipment, but Jacob seemed pretty impressed by my video editting skills using Windows Movie Maker.

I had a nice day, met up with Jordan G. and we had coffee and discussed our updates on life. For us it's been years since we've been able to update on anything, even if she's been living in Benton City for awhile now. I guess I'd never checked in with her again because I was afraid our political views and personalities would differ so much now that we wouldn't be able to get along but I was wrong. We clicked very well and had a great discussion. She's had a lot of resolve in her life from the previous divorce situations that she's had  growing up and now she's starting to get settled in with her boyfriend Logan. Logan's family has been very supportive of Jordan since early in highschool when she moved to La Grande.

Jacob came over and talked to us after me and Jordan had been talking for about an hour so she got to meet my drug of choice this summer. Literally guitar playing has become like a drug.

It's funny, I explained to Jordan that I had a depression problem through highschool and that I was medicated on a few things before I dropped anti-depressant drugs. She said that I was the "debby downer" in middle school, and I look back to 7th grade and I'm sure I was. I was miserable practically all the time because I felt ugly and outcasted. Lack of self esteem reflects and people take advantage of it.

I'm glad things have changed since then.

Susan Atkins. I still plan on making that Sims 2 video of my replica of Spahn and Barker Ranch but I haven't had a chance yet... mainly because of time constraints, seems like whenever I get done practicing I don't feel like doing much else or it's 11 PM and starting a project seems like too much work.

I'm in Week 18 now. Just completed Month 4 recently. Another paper for my wall. I did 77.13 hours in July, which is pretty good considering the the California trip and all. I could have gone that whole week without playing but I took comfort in it when visiting with Grandma created stress at times.

I studied accounting today for an hour, sort of just going over the journal entry process and how to do all that again, Assets = Liabilities + O.E. and all the accounts that go under each headings, the basic stuff that we nailed over and over again in Key's class. I'm also kind of getting into adjusting entries from unearned service revenue to earned. How I'm memorizing it is applying "real life" to everything, imagining all of the accounting circumstances with my little guitar business that I'm going to start, even if it's entirely fictional because I don't even know if I'll be able to do it. Still, though, it's making things make a lot more sense.

Just me and my sister tonight, everything's locked up and quiet so my sister can go to sleep. She's got work tomorrow morning at 3 AM. My parents randomly left on some trip somewhere again.

peace.

I can't believe I spent all my money

Alright, called Rite Aid and made an ass of myself. Turns out payday is tomorrow, I somehow had myself convinced it was supposed to be this last Thursday and got myself all messed up. That means I overdrew my account with my normal balance, which is a complete shame on my part because that's CARELESSNESS.

Time to get this all figured out, calculate what I've been spending on and see if I'm on semi the right track.

Right now my balance is $1,300. That's $200 LESS than I had in May, meaning I haven't saved anything all summer. Isn't that great? At least it's better than having NO money this time last summer.

7/26: Got paid $178, crappy paycheck because of the california trip.

Gas expenses since 7/26:

POS PURCHASE POS PURCHASE TERMINAL 00000021 PICK A POP BENTON CI BENTON CI WA

18.99 08/06/2012   POS PURCHASE POS PURCHASE TERMINAL 21 PIK-A-POP #2 20.11 $39 total

Amp expense:

08/02/2012

ATM WITHDRAWAL CASH WITHDRAWAL TERMINAL SUS4S047 US BANK

60.00

Guitar lesson expense + medical expense:

08/02/2012

ATM WITHDRAWAL CASH WITHDRAWAL TERMINAL SUS4S047 US BANK

100.00

(this put my checking account at $15... I was so afraid to check my balance that I didn't)

Restaurant expenses from 7/26- now

POS PURCHASE POS PURCHASE TERMINAL 70134291 MIZU SUSHI AND ROL L

11.83

07/30/2012

POS PURCHASE POS PURCHASE TERMINAL 75068628 SUBS N JEANS

15.58 $27 total

That's $226. In two fucking weeks, even when I was trying to save. That of course doesn't include about the $40 I've spent at Rite Aid. I started with $285 in my account at the beginning of this last paycheck and dwindled it down to nothing. 

The amp and the guitar lessons are an investment. Eventually they will make me money when I'm giving lessons myself. 

Clearly, no more restaurant expenses. I decided that on the 28th but then of course I got invited to this Mizu thing. I've got $30 in my checking account. I get paid on Thursday so I'll have no money until then. I'm so irritated with this California trip, it's fucked me up so bad. I just wanted to earn $1500 this summer. I've been trying so hard but it's impossible.... 

peace. 

Leaving dinner feeling like you ate an appetizer.

Today's been a pretty productive day, studied accounting for over an hour and reviewed the second chapter. I figure if I do this almost every day between now and when I leave I'll have covered the whole book and I'll actually be ahead for when I start 252. My Dad says I need to relax because it's summer but by the looks of my walls I've been relaxing all summer.

Still haven't checked my balance and don't want too, I know I've probably already gone over my spending limit. I'm due to pay Katelynn again August 9th, I'm going to pay her another $50.

Darn it, gonna bite my tounge and check it.

OMFG I overdrew my account!!

Wow. Turns out Rite Aid didn't pay be and I overdrew my account by $45. I just flipped out and my Mom came in and we called Rite aid to see what's up. Linda's going to look on the computer and see if she can figure out of if there was a screw up in the system. Hell yeah there was a screwup, nothing happened in my account on payday or any of the following days. Once I get that money into my account I'm going to but the $80 BACK into my savings and just live off the roughly $200 until my next payday on the 16th. Hopefully I can save a good $100.

I swear if I get a good guitar lesson gig I'll be able to make more money than the $291 I'm getting from Rite Aid every 2 weeks. I figure I'll charge $20 for each half hour lesson. I haven't decided if that's too expensive or not but I'm certainly going to put more effort into my lessons than Neilson did when HE was charging $20 a lesson as well. He's pretty much disappeared off that face of the earth.

Today I learned all the locations of the note F. This is a pretty big accomplishment even if it's one of about 18. This is the first whack I've taken at learning the notes on the guitar but I intend to get a good grasp on them before I leave the tri cities. Jacob will be helpful I'm sure, even if his regime on learning these notes is a little crazy. The way I look at it, the best way for me to do this is to learn one note a day on each day that I learn a new one, I will review the previous day's note. So tomorrow I'll do G#... the next day G, review G# and F, etc. 

Dave Murray, lead guitar of Iron Maiden. I've learned a couple iron maiden songs.

I want to learn Children of the Damned, it has a beautiful opening verse but would be very challenging for me. 

I watched a documentary about Iron Maiden last night. For rockstars they really did have the best road in their career because of their true originality for their time. They were one of the originators of this heavy metal feel that stands for something. Stands for a lifestyle. We're not satanists by any means, but those of us that listen to this music have some sort of inner struggle that is alleviated by this music. The band had no religious connection to their music. "Eddie," their character that is being possessed by the Devil, is their main focal point in their music, sort of his stories I suppose.. But again, it's not meant to turn kids into satanists, it's all just for fun. Their music showcases the guitar like few other bands I've listened to so I absolutely love Iron Maiden. 

No word from Jason today. More than likely he wants me to text him first but I'm not going to give him the satisfaction. Not because I'm not interested, but because I have really nothing to say. Nothing I've been up to today has been interesting for anyone to hear about, so why am I writing?

I guess just boredom. Giving myself a break from my instrument, waiting for my boss to call me back, wondering what I'm going to do tomorrow. Probably the same thing. Study and play guitar, why the Hell not, it's too hot to drive or go anywhere. Maybe I'll hang out with Katelynn, it is Tuesday after all. I feel bad, she's always having to drive out here... I'll have to be the one that drives tomorrow. Maybe we could meet up with Chris Simmons or something. I do want to hear about his time over in Japan, but he's been trying to arrange the Japanese club kids to get together and I just saw them three days ago.

I don't know, maybe we haven't been apart long enough, but I really had nothing to say... Well I did, but nobody seemed interested in hearing what I'd been doing. I asked each one of them what they'd been up too this summer and none of them returned the favor. Nathaniel did ask me about Central though, by then I felt a little anxious to say anything. I couldn't think of anything else to say so I just sat at my seat at Mizu, wondering what I should pick up off the conveyor belt and adding prices in my head. 

I got a half salmon roll, two $1.50 maki plates and a little salad made from cucumbers and an overpowering tasting marinade. I also bought a dessert ice cram dango thing. All together it was around $11. I left feeling very unsatisfied, however, and was happy to dig into snacks that my parents had brought home from grocery shopping that evening. 

Maybe it's more of an appetizer place than a dinner place. Taylor was suggesting that we all go to Sheri's after the meal at Mizu. Ah ha! He admits he wasn't that satisfied as well and didn't want to spend $30 on the meal, what a shocker. I can't say I'll be going to Mizu again, I thought it was a big rip off. I was complaining to Jason via text which he didn't seem to care much about (my ranting about prices, how fun to listen too!) and I then got him to respond by sending him a picture of ice cream dango. :o)

There we go. おいしいそうです。

And it was. 

I loved the design, it was very flattering for the eye, as most things from Japan are, but I didn't know what to expect from the taste. Alas! It was chewy and delicious, filled with vanilla ice cream. Taylor said I was acting weird and anti social. I guess I just felt a little awkward. I did see Stephanie S. and asked how Zeus is doing. 

I don't know how she feels about me, she could really dislike me for all I know and be putting on a front because I was always sort of a flaky friend toward her. She sort of was to be too though, and I think she got a little frustrated with how strange I was about guys and how I had zero game, so we drifted away from eachother. She appears to be doing well though, she looked pretty and we had a friendly chat. Can't worry about what people think of me anyway.

I'm going to get offline, gonna play with guitar pro for awhile. I'd really just like to learn something easy and out of the ordinary but I can't think of anything. Guess I'll just get Fear of the Dark solid enough to upload a video playing tomorrow. Jacob wants me to talk about how long I've been playing into greater depth as well as gave me permission and *encouraged* to mention him as well. Gladly, I really wouldn't have been able to do this without him and give him full credit for what I've learned so far. I've followed what he's told me to do.  Any way I can help him and his business out! I'd be so sad if he lost his place because of flaky students or something. He seems to be booked almost completely but he's also sort of intimidating and I could see how students would quit if they didn't practice.

No word from Eli today but I did get my math class finalized. I'm in Montgomery's 8:00 class. Maybe I won't study much math, accounting is my main focus right now and I'm just going to have to have a fresh start in precalc. I think I'll be okay, I click so well with Asians I could find a tutor in no time, haha! 

peace. 

I'll go where I want and I'll say what I want, and no one can take it away.

Things've changed in the world of Kuro Neko.

Not drastically from last year necessarily, I mean the activities all seem the same-- the shopping area with the snacks that you can buy, glomp circles, the rave... But all the people from the past two years have changed. It appeared to be a whole new group, I couldn't recognize hardly any returners from the past two years in the pictures. In the next week or so I'll check back to some of their profiles to see if they went.

It's funny, maybe a lot of their phases ended too.. Or maybe they felt the same vibe that our group felt last year and didn't feel like coming back. Knowing that hardly any people I met there were at the con, I don't feel like I've missed out much by not being there.

It's almost 1 am. I'm a little buzzed. I talked to Jason all day again via text messages, good lord we've been talking a lot. It's interesting to get to know him but I feel odd at the same time because he has a girlfriend. I'm trying to just ignore it and get to know him as much as I can as a friend. I like him though, he's really intelligent.

Tomorrow I'm really going to start studying accounting and math. Just a half hour a day would make such a huge difference for me in the long run, it'll make things a lot less difficult. I've also got to get ahold of the school tomorrow about allowing me to take precalc. I really hope THAT works out because that's stressful for me on top of everything else.

Tyler D. called me today asking if I'd like to get together before I leave. When I told him I wasn't going to be leaving until September 12th or so he's like, "Oh! That's not for a long time." I'm going to try and make this very last few weeks special, even if I don't have much planned.

Because this is, in fact, the last I will ever live with my parents in Benton city. I've promised this to myself, once I'm out of here I'm done. I've lived for 20 years and aside from the brief months in California I've always had the same room, same bed location, same ceiling over my head, same little plastic glow in the dark stars that were taken down only recently...

When I went out to Mizu sushi yesterday to catch up with some of the Japanese club people I explained to Taylor that I was a little nervous.

"You'll be Fine!! Relax, you'll find a new happy place up there. You're going to do great, you're not going to fail."

Of course this is all stuff that deep down but to hear it from him felt wonderful. Taylor is such a nice guy, I wish I hadn't been so tired that evening or I would have initiated more conversation with him.