Wednesday, July 18, 2012

No more Jack, ever, two years of this shit, finally done. The whole story.

It's done.

It's done, it's done, it's done, it's done. As of July 16th, 2012 I no longer "like" Jack Otto, after years of him leading me on and not giving me a solid answer what the wants from me. The truth is, he never wanted anything. I finally confessed how I felt about him, got about the answer I expected, and shut it down before he could continue to lead me on again.

I'd called him after he'd texted me a couple evenings ago. He asked me why I suddenly changed my mind to go to Central. I just called, I didn't want to text anymore. I told him briefly that they had my degree, the weather is better and the distance is easier.

I asked him what his work schedule looked like lately. He told me he'd lost his "Career." Really, now? He spent a lot of the last time we'd actually spoke talking about this fantastic new job he was going to be starting. Well, surprise-surprise, the job is getting terminated. He told me he will be starting a new job where he will be.... "writing commercial jingles." This isn't the 1950's, what commercial jingles is he talking about?

So he's got ALL this free time on his hands, I'm going up to Central in less then 2 months, I figured he'd want to spend time together. I asked him if he'd want to hang out or something one of these days, actually jokingly suggesting that night which he said would be incredibly "weird." I was kidding about that night, but then he said me visiting in general would be "Weird." He said, "Yeah, I'd have to be like 'this is my friend all the way from the tri cities' to my roomates, do you know how weird that would be?"

He acts like I'm driving all the way up to Bellingham or something. It's not THAT far, good lord I usually drive over an hour a day just going all over town from stupid Benton City.

That's not the point though. He was making excuses. He finally just said, "I just don't want you coming here to solely visit me." That, right there, was enough for me to say fuck it. If I'm not good enough to come visit you or bring around your friends or whatever the fuck your problem is, I knew I was done with it and finally threw my cards out on the table.

Throwing my cards out doesn't necessarily mean I was wanting him to respond with "Oh my gosh I like you too lets be together!!!" because I'm not in middle school. I told him how I felt because I wanted him to know before I never spend time with him or talk to him again.

I told him that I really liked him, and that I didn't understand why he keeps talking to me if he doesn't like me back. I told him that I could have been over him by now. That it's cruel that he keeps talking to me if he has no intention of seeing me. The whole thing never made any sense and he didn't have any answers for anything.

All Jack can ever do is talk about how he HASN'T been with many other girls, as if this makes any difference to me. This was about me and him, I could give a shit about any other girls that he's fucked (or lack thereof) or done any of his stupid crafty dates.  Because the truth is, hardly any girl is good enough for him. He is waiting for some perfect girl to bring home to his Mommy; THAT right there is the bottom line. His mother is hugely influential and always has been because he has a lack of sense of direction in life. That being said, he'll want to find some girl that pleases his mother. That's not me at all. She does NOT like me. I was always a little rude to her because I knew she thought I was a "slut" because Jack told me she'd said so around sophomore year so I never made much of an effort to be polite to her. She of course based her judgement solely on how I acted with Toren, which was at the beginning of Freshman year. It should also be noted that she LOVEEEEEED Jessica Small; she'd never like me.

OH! How did I find out she thought I was a slut? Because she thought I was going to RAPE Jack when I had him over for lunch back when I was about 15 years old. Bah hahaha, I'm not even kidding here.

Jack told me that his opinion of me is this...

He finds me attractive.
He thinks my personality is interesting.

That's IT. There is no "I like you" in there at all, he never indicated actually liking me back in the phone conversation, this is as close as it got. But I know that to him I'm missing something that would make it so he wouldn't want to make any effort to spend time with me or introduce me to the people he lives with.

This picture was never anything. I'd assumed it was a girl he was into, but really I knew the suspicion was silly and I was just trying to make sense of why he wasn't talking to me. This whole thing is so embarrassing but I need to write it down to close this chapter in my life. 

He also said I accuse him of a lot of things, like on this blog where I wrongly interpreted a picture with a girl. I never knew if he was with her or not but I told him that I HAD to hypothesize because that's the only way I could make sense of WHY. Because he never gave me any answers, he'd just keep me waiting over and over again because he'd get drunk, call, and flirt with me.

He never denied that he's flirted with me, and did apologize for it. He said he "knows how I feel" because of the Hilary situation.

No, he has no idea how I feel because this is nothing like his stupid Hilary situation. Hilary is a girl he dated for two years. I'm sure they had great times together. They tried to stay friends afterward but she got a new boyfriend (which bothered him, even if now Jack and this other boyfriend are almost best friends, how precious!). This has absolutely no relevance.

Jack led me on for two fucking years. He would randomly get ahold of me over and over every few months and not give any real answers on how he felt about me but would continue to flirt and act like he was interested. Because he did this I had a really hard time being attracted to any other guy nor put any real effort in with anyone else because I figured, "Well, I like Jack, we'll end up being together eventually.. I'll just ignore this for now..." then we'd end up talking again and re-enforcing this notion, even if all along it was never going to happen.

 It hurt, so bad. The years that went by wondering what the Hell, why he was talking to me, WHY I can't seem to like anyone else...

But so much pain really has led me to being as laid back as I am today. I'm not afraid anymore. I know all the ins and outs of men after my long string of bad boyfriends over the years. There's no man that will ever fool me again, even if he looks as harmless as Jack does, they can still be ruthless with your feelings because many are selfish pigs.

I don't think Jack ever intended to hurt me, just like Jessica never intended to hurt me by pursuing the one guy I ever liked when she could have ANYONE... They're both incredibly naive, and quite unintelligent. Jessica is unintelligent because that's her character. Jack is unintelligent for never thinking his flirting would lead to me having feelings for him, along with his stupid career pursuits and lack of real life experience because everythings been spoon fed to him. You can't be mad at unintelligent people when you try to make sense of their actions. Jessica's hot, there's no doubting that. If I was in Jack's shoes I probably would of done the same thing. Jack's last REAL LIFE impression of me was a Japanophile girl that has quite a few insecurities and has a hard time loosening up about things, but is still very funny and attractive. Jessica however is popular, fun to be around, presentable to his friends, his Mom likes her, blonde, tall, sexy.... But I've always found her incredibly stupid so it was very hard to swallow when I saw he was with her. This also gave me a sense of hopelessness of ever being with him, which is when I tried to delete him and never talk to him again, and of course he'd start talking to me after I'd deleted him.

So that's it. No more Jack Otto. I told him that I didn't want to talk to him ever again if he had no intention of being with me. He told me he wasn't interested in a relationship at all

You can't have your cake and eat it too. You can't call me when your drunk and lonely and make up pretend plans. You can't lead me on with your flirty texts and act like you want something out of me when you never do. You're not a man, you're like a stupid child that doesn't know what he wants. You couldn't handle a girl like me, anyway, because I'm a strong, independent woman and I need a man that's going to love me for who I am 100% and not act like I'm second best to some perfect fantasy woman. I'm beautiful, I'm intelligent, I'm a musician, I don't want anything to do with him anymore.

It feels good to get that off my chest.

And it's not like no good has come from Jack. He WAS the icing on the cake to why I wanted to go to Central, even if I'd been considering it before. That's going to save me a lot of problems in the long run because it IS where I should be going to school. I don't care if he's there or not, there's thousands of people. 

He is also one of the reasons I started learning guitar. All the loneliness I'd been through led me to picking up my instrument back in January. I don't think we were talking back in January but I felt very lonely back then because I was having trouble being attracted to anyone else. I would compare guys to him and be immediately unsatisfied.

Not anymore though. I realize that Jack was never that great and I built him up in my head. I don't know if he'd even be that attractive to me if I saw him in person again. He's cute, my parents liked him because he was the only guy I've ever brought around that was up to THEIR standards. This made me like him a lot more because my mom talked like he was the greatest thing ever and I need to not lower my standards to BELOW his attractiveness. Well there's not very many guys in the tri cities that are as attractive as he is, but there sure as Hell will be elsewhere. 

Everything will work out in the long run, I finally feel free of him and I will never spend time with him again. If I see him I'll probably just smile like he's just another acquaintance or a customer I see at Rite Aid. He's out of my heart completely. I was hanging on to something because I needed to know how he felt but now that I've solved this "mystery" it'll never happen again. 


oh, other stuff in my life is going well. I spent the night over at Trisha and Dylan's house recently, which was really fun. Spending a lot of time with Katelynn lately. I'm actually getting more and more interested in someone in the tri cities that I'll be able to hang out with for the rest of the summer if I play my cards right. I'm not going to go into much detail with any of that because this blog entry is getting incredibly long and I need to start practicing. 

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