Saturday, September 22, 2012

Two word responses can be hard to read.

Sometimes that's how I feel when I talk to Jason, like I'm annoying or bothering him. We used to text a lot but now when we do text I get these short little responses that I can't make sense of. It's hard, I like him and I want to spend time with him but sometimes I feel like any minute he's going to say, "Look, I'm gonna have my own experience and I don't want to feel like I've got some obligation to deal with you. Goodbye."

So of course in order to avoid this I'm keeping things extremely light and trying not to pressure him to spend time with me one way or the other. If he wants to spend time with me, great! If not, well, okay I'll go do my own thing-- I've always got shit to do because of my rigorous study and practice habits so it's not like I'm waiting around for Jason all day. I don't even know if he considers us to be "dating."

Because see there's that stage where you're flirting and getting to know eachother, which in the past month and a half we've certainly spent a great deal of time doing. Then when we actually met at Central things have been going steady for the most part, but I can't help but have this suspicion that he's going to suddenly not talk to me ever again... it sucks. I really don't trust that any guy that I actually have feelings for is going to want me back because it's never happened. I've always just felt dumped off like trash... like oh, I'm done with what I wanted from you now.

I'm hoping things will change someday. I just keep praying that they will, it's been nearly two years that I haven't had guy that was actually willing to start a relationship with me. I've definitely had dates, flings, whatever-- but nothing that ever actually evolved into a relationship. What Jason and I have right now is the closest I've gotten so I'm treating it extremely delicately.

I feel like I'm the one whose keeping this alive more than he is though. Jacob told me, "If a girl is pursuing a guy, there's something wrong..." Well what am I supposed to do, just ignore him completely and hope he starts talking to me?

I just feel like an inconvenience to him and don't want to feel that way.  If he's just sort of putting up with me because he doesn't want to hurt me then I wish he'd just tell me. But I could be totally wrong. I just don't know, and that's what I hate about the relationship game is the uncertainty of it and how it makes your stomach feel. It makes me feel like I'm humiliated a lot because I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Right now I've just really tried to be myself around Jason but trying to keep my distance at the same time. I'm sure it's just a matter of time before he cuts things off and I hate that feeling.

For this reason I've been feeling a little sad since I got home because he's not really making any effort to talk to me at all. I texted him first today and he keeps giving me two word responses so of course I'm like, HERE we go. The signs are there. I just really hope I'm wrong.

I just really don't want to get hurt again. There's something about me that scares guys away. I like to believe it's Tyler's theory that: "Emily, you're the type of girl that a guy would want to marry. Guys just want to hook up, they don't want to settle down yet." Well if that's truly the case than I really wish I were a lesbian.

Because the feeling of longing for actual love is the biggest inconvenience for those of us that can't find any satisfaction in it. It's like a really good drug that everyone else is using that I want to get my hands on but can't because my dating pool is so small.

And I'm not saying that guys don't hit on me because I do get attention, a LOT.. the kind of attention that most girls would be envious of. I get picked up on pretty much everywhere I go. It's crazy that I have so much trouble finding any actual stability in that aspect of my life because of how I get praised so frequently by admirers. I'm just really not attracted physically to most men. I can't be with a guy that's shorter than me or like... 5'6 or something, it just turns me off so bad I can't do it. As I've said before that eliminates a LOT of guys at Central.

I guess the bottom line is this. I will find someone, eventually. God, my ancestors, whatever outside forces have helped shape my destiny to this point have not failed me yet and maybe all this waiting will lead to something absolutely magical. Am I saying things with Jason could never be magical? No, not necessarily. My body-mind instincts are not giving me a bad response with him like they did with say, Guy or Indy or many other guys that I've spent time with and my body literally rejected it by not letting me sleep or eat really when I was around them. It's not that way with Jason at all, I would actually love to sleep next to him one of these nights but I haven't gotten a chance too.

I just really, really don't want to end up like my parents where I don't really connect with the person I'm married too. I want to be able to joke around, have fun, have a really good understanding of one another and be able to communicate well. I want him to be openminded to my unusual interests and accept and love me for who I am. I want him to be attractive to me, obviously. That's certainly not everything and a great personality can make a guy way more physically attractive-- but yeah, someday I want to have kids and I want them to be good looking because it's a HUGE advantage in life (and anyone that says that's not true can't deny that it at least makes things easier for people).

So obviously my mood tonight is lonely, as well as sort of panicky. I've been having these weird panic attacks where I'll start shaking and my stomach gets really tight. I'm sure this can't be great for my body. It all has to do with the dramatic change of scenery in my life, as well as this new love interest, plus my classes... it's no wonder I'm feeling this way.

My day itself though wasn't bad. I'm actually in Benton City right now because my mom wanted to take me school clothes shopping for my birthday. These plans didn't happen until 4 or so because I took a really long nap after getting no sleep last night. I went to Shawn's 21st birthday yesterday, i'd go into the details about that but I'm sitting here with my mom and would rather talk to her than write. Maybe I'll tell you guys about it in tomorrow's entry.


oh, here's a blog worth mentioning that i'm just saving for myself to read later. Can't bookmark here.

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