Open relationships? Fuck that

What a horrible disappointment my last couple days have been.

I guess it's nothing new whenever I meet a guy I like. There's always some issue that keeps us from being together. This case was especially difficult because I had misjudged his intentions and what he was looking for. God, to be honest I don't even want to tell you guys about this because it just makes me sick but I know that doing so will make me feel better like always because it helps me put things into perspective.

This guy Ben that I met the other day is in an "open relationship," which basically means he has a girlfriend but they're allowed to hookup with and pursue other people. The first time I heard about this it made me feel uncomfortable. I wouldn't want to have to share someone with somebody. But then I realized how much Ben and I had in common and enjoyed eachothers company so I let it go. I figured the reason he was doing this is because he was looking for an upgrade from his current girlfriend, isn't that why people normally cheat? Because they're not as happy with the person that they're with and would rather find someone else?

Apparently not. Ben informed me today that he wasn't trying to date me because he's unhappy or has any intention of leaving his girlfriend. Instead he wanted to do it because "dating is fun" and him and his girlfriend both "like the experience" of being with other people. But with an understanding that he has no intention of ever leaving his girlfriend. I'm just like, what the f*ck is the point of that for me? You don't expect that if you're spending time and dating someone that they're not going to develop feelings for them and that it could become a very painful situation?

Apparently him and his girlfriend don't see it that way. 

And I know I probably sound like the most shallow person on earth right now but come on. Big nose, no jawline, small eyes, ears that stick out, red hair and unclean looking teeth-- oh plus her hair is Miley Cyrus short now on top of it which doesn't help. When he started pursuing me recently I didn't let the fact that he had a girlfriend bother me because I figured well duh, I'd be a huge upgrade. But then today after asking him questions about their life together I realized that he really does love her and I can't do anything to change that. And the more I spent time with him the more it bothered me until the jealous, competitive side started coming out which isn't a side I want anyone to see.

But yeah what a complete mind fuck that was. I'd never invest time or emotions in a guy that's in an open relationship. It just sucked because I thought he was really cute and seemed to really "get" me but I need to realize that he doesn't even know me and nothing about this reflects badly on me.

So have whatever you want buddy. You guys go be in love and be happy and serenade her with your  sappy acoustic love songs.

damn it I can't help but long for the day that I have a boyfriend that wants to play me sappy acoustic love songs. Or maybe one that can just be decent by showing me the kind of affection and appreciation that I'm dying for so badly. 

I have to be strong. I have to not let this kind of pain and confusion get under my skin. Part of me is just scared. Scared that I'll never find anyone that I'm truly attracted to that wants me back. I guess all I can do until then is make myself as intelligent, skilled, beautiful and rich as possible in order to make myself worthy of that person.

peace.