When you've got really nothing to lose....

Kamelot's outfits look like hot topic throwup, but I absolutely love some of their music. Metal soothes everything. 

My heart must be numbing quite a bit.

Jack got ahold of me again yesterday, after a three week hiatus where I had figured he found another girl and  accepted it. He denies any of my claims against him about talking to me between girls because he doesn't have girls. Riiight, what about the relationship that you just got out of before you started talking to me with some younger girl? What about Jessica last summer? What about the girl you found over this last Spring break that you stopped talking to me for? Was that the same girl? I don't know, I've lost track.

His main excuse for not talking to me for weeks was because he was "intimidated." I was like, are you serious? That makes NO sense. You mean to tell me Jessica Small didn't intimidate you? You sure pursued her. And Aliche from Italy from Milan f*cking modelbodyperfectsmileperfectfaceperfecteverything didn't intimidate you? You pursued her!

Of course he has an excuse for everything, but somehow schmoozed his way into another "I forgive you" and I guess we're on more... decent terms than we were when I told him he was dead to me. I can barely even talk to him now, though. I get so frustrated with his headgames that he plays unintentionally and I still doubt we will actually ever see eachother in person again unless it's in passing when we get up to Central. His plans never work out, ever. So I can't think that even if we're on decent terms that we will actually spend time together. I know better now.

haha I was never a fan of this picture of myself particularly but I think Samantha looks cute. My lips look so thin! 

 I felt like I had to break it to Samantha and she seemed so disappointed in me. For her, and a lot of girls, I feel like I'm somewhat of a role model for the benefits of personal independence. I feel like I've helped her see a lot of her own self worth outside of her relationship with Shawn, but how can I give her advice when I don't even take my own advice? I tell Samantha not to put up with Shawn's nonsense (every guy has nonsense, it's nothing personal to Shawn, actually their relationship has gotten way better since they moved in with eachother) yet I put up with Jack's nonsense again and again and again and again. It makes me feel stupid, like anyone that knows what I've put up with would look at me and think I'm like a stupid dog that keeps on kicked but won't take a hint.

That's the thing though. I know that Jack doesn't deserve yet another chance to prove that he's not just talking to me between girlfriends, but I like him enough that I can't let go of it. Plus I have nothing else and nothing to lose. Here's my prediction. He's going to find some other girl in the next 24 hours, if not in the next week. I'm not his friend on facebook anymore, AGAIN (seriously this is like the 10th time this has happened), so I can't see what he's doing either way. Even if we do start talking again I don't think I'm going to add him on facebook unless we actually see eachother in person. Again, probably won't happen.

I'm not nearly as irritated and discouraged by him talking to me as I've usually been in the last couple times, nor did I get giddy when he texted me back... I didn't feel anything, maybe a little short tempered and laughed at the fact that he actually had the nerve; but I didn't feel any pain or happiness necessarily. I'm taking better control of this emotional rollarcoaster that I've dealt with.

Maybe my heart really is giving up hope with it and that's why I'm feeling more numb. I hope so.... I so badly want to admit that I've moved on completely but it just never seems to happen, and the only reason is that he keeps randomly talking to me and I can't seem to NOT talk to him back. Everything is so on his time. He only talks to me when it's convenient for him, so I don't dare text or call him first.

In the four years that this has been happening, neither of us have ever told eachother that we like eachother. He's never even given me that. He never compliments me at all, I never compliment him either because I don't want him to think I want a relationship and scare him off. Because of this, I'm always tiptoeing around what I'm saying, while he somehow flirts with me on the other end.

It's all just so lame that it's almost comical. Samantha is the only one I'm going to tell about this because I think she has a bit higher tolerance for that sort of thing than Katelynn and Katharine. I feel like Katelynn would just be like, "OH god!! NO." and Katharine would probably give me a long lists of reasons why I shouldn't. They're both right, actually all three of them are right because Sam doesn't like it either.

Samantha is just a better person to talk to when I know I'm probably doing something wrong but can't help what I'm doing. I really wish I could just tell him to f*ck off entirely but when he keeps coming back it makes it hard. He's just too cute and our personalities are so compatible in so many ways but he drives me up the f*cking wall and makes me miserable at the same time.

Work today was boring.

I'm gonna get blazed and play guitar.

peace.