But now it's time to kiss your ass good-bye!

This is a song that really hits the spot when you've been dumped again. 

It's 11:21 pm and I just got home from the tri cities. I listened to metal almost all the way home, I found it hit the spot more than the hip hop I've been listening a lot too over the past couple weeks. I tend to do that when I have a new crush, I break from the metal cycle for a little while because the attention is making me feel more sexy and happy. Ha ha it's unfortunately usually quite short lived. 

Okay I can't say that I was "dumped" necessarily because we weren't in an actual relationship and the words that he's not interested never came out of his mouth. But I think 5 days of no communication what-so-ever is a good sign Ryan is done in my life. 

I know that he's avoiding talking to me right now because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings by telling me he's not interested in where this is going I made things easier for him a second ago by just asking him if that's why he hasn't texted me straight up. He said that is what he's been feeling but the reason that he hadn't texted me is because he's been under a lot of stress. Right, no, more like you didn't have the balls to tell me we're done and make me do it.

It seems like relationships in my life have been these continual self fulfilling prophecies of disappointment. Men act in the exact patterns I expect them too. The fact that Terry is dating a complete idiot still makes me sick. We made a bet with Terry on the superbowl that I lost today (but I was rooting for the Seahawks, obviously... And they SLAUGHTERED the Broncos!!) and I'm sure he's going to bring that up to me tomorrow. 

The second he does I'm going to be like, "Ohh did you watch it with Claaay-er?" lol... God just thinking of her cakey makeup, fake tan, bleached hair, bonehead major.... It's so incredibly frustrating to think that's who's got what he wants. 

Alright I'm done ranting about this. I'm going to workout a little bit before bed just to work off some of this energy. I don't feel sad or depressed, I feel more of a combination of pissed off and determined. I'm a strong, intelligent, sexy, talented individual. I could give a f*ck whether I "like" someone or not, I need to surround myself with people that are going to help me advance closer to my goals instead of people that are just going to drag me down by causing disappointment. 

peace. 

What does being in love even feel like?

Well my studying today paid off.

For the first time on a Wednesday I didn't feel completely lost in my classes... except for Math, the way that he's teaching us functions has me completely lost, and by the looks of it half the class is in the same boat. He actually called on me today saying, "You don't get it." Why do professors always read that on my face?

Here's what's on the menu this upcoming week:
-Accounting test on Monday
-Ch. 5/6 test due Tuesday for law (I'll get this done easily)
-Have the ability to not only understand functions but be able to graph them. That's going to be an absolute nightmare.

So right now obviously accounting should be the first priority but really this weekend is going to focus more on getting caught up on math. I absolutely cannot get behind on this because Montgomery goes FAST and I need to be on top of what he's saying to pass that class. I don't consider my first test grade much of a success because he's going to have tests semi-regularly now and the material is going to get harder and harder five days a week. It's not like Accounting and law where I have a day.

Ideally, this weekend I'd like to study about five hours a day. That's what I've been doing lately, 3-5 hours and I've been keeping up pretty well. It's a full time job, I'm lucky if I even have time to play guitar.

This weekend I'm going to have lunch with Reina, maybe going to movie night with Sarah H. and *maybe* jamming with this one guy I met named Adam and his bassist. The later two depend on how much work I've gotten done for the day.

Love has been bothering me a lot lately. Today this really sweet Thai girl that's in my accounting class asked me if I had a boyfriend and said that she couldn't believe that I didn't because I'm "so pretty." I really wish that dictated anything but it doesn't. Yeah, I guess it would increase my chances of a particular person that I'm attracted to being physically attracted to me back but does it actually increase my likelihood of finding someone that's right for me? No, probably not.

So I posted that picture shown above today to sort of show my depression/feeling of hopelessness about it lately. It makes me want to cry every almost every day at some point, even if everything else in my life is going well... It's a burden, and it's been getting worse, particularly in the evenings when I'm stressed out about classes and want someone to talk to.

I just try to fill that void in my life with the guitar, in some way it makes me feel loved because it's a daily reminder of how much I should love myself. Seriously what person is f*cking crazy enough to play the guitar three hours a day for five months straight until she knows how to shred? Apparently I am, and I'm happy to carry that title that I've still been playing for less than a year. Imagine how good I'll become if I stay single for another year (hahaha). That really has been the good that's come out being alone has been truly finding my own identity at such a young age. I don't have many questions about who I am, what my plan is in life, what strengths and weaknesses are... Not very many 21 year old's can say the same.

I'm starting to realize how many coping devices my mind has found to deal with these feelings these past couple years. My excessive studying, my three hours of guitar playing, my exercising... All of it boils down to wanting a HIGHER self worth, trying to improve so that I don't care if I have anyone or not. All I need is me. And it's worked, I look back in 2011 when I used to get completely disrespected by men and I'd put up with it because I didn't think I deserved any better.

But I've found there really is no way of making your mind completely stop thinking about it, no matter how much you try to suppress it, because it's not natural. There's something instinctively that drives us to find companionship in another human being, and when you don't have it for a certain amount of time your mind begins to bother you until you go out and make some stupid mistake (like settling for someone) just to feel loved again.

And that's what I've tried to avoid more than anything with the guitar is to stop needing it to the point that I would settle for someone else. I've set my standards at a certain place and refuse to deter from them because it would be a waste of time. That, and, after being single for two years I'd like to wait until I find someone that actually has potential to become "love."

Because I've never been in love. I've certainly been attracted to guys, I've dated, been in some relationships (most of which I couldn't say improved my life but actually caused MORE problems/stress/depression that I was HAPPY when it was over).. but I've never been in love.

And it's hard.

It's painful.

It's distracting.

But there's nothing I can do about it and there's no end in sight. 

I think the reason that it's bothering me now more than ever is because I've become so satisfied with the direction that my life is going that I feel like now would be the appropriate time for that aspect of my life to give me just a *little* satisfaction but I guess not yet. 

And for that reason I fucking hate the phrase "It will come when you least expect it."  because the longer you wait the more you want something good to happen.

That's all I really had to say. It was literally the first thing I thought of this morning and now I'm not going to let it be the last thing I think about before I go to bed. It's 8:05 pm, I think tonight I'll study an hour of math and play guitar, probably go to sleep around 11'. I'd say I've got a "big day of study" tomorrow but because it seems like every day is like that here. Still, because I have no plans other than my math class I'm shooting for six hours tomorrow. 

peace. 

I've been spoiling myself, really.

New video I posted today about shopping from ebay. Funny, I've been over the anime/cosplay subculture for a year now but my videos are still talking about it on youtube. 

I went to the mall today and saw a lot of people from school, like David, Kotey, Austin... Those guys are starting to look a lot older, it's surprising, I just remember us all so vividly being in grade school and now they're starting to really find themselves as adults. Or not, they're just goofballs, but they're starting to look older, definately! David has really pretty eyes, he looks handsome with his short hair. He's going to do fine finding girlfriends and stuff.

Michael and I had a really nice chat, walked around and looked in Hollister and other shops but I didn't see anything that stood out to me as being worth $25. I love thrift stores, and I love that Hipsters are in right now because it makes it easier to be a thrifty person. There's no shame in it, if it's prewashed and good quality there's no reason why you can't wear second hand clothes. Of course some things like bras and underwear probably should be new. 

I had my guitar lesson today that was over an hour long. Jacob taught me a LOT in this lesson, but the number one thing was we finally got my hand and arm positioned correctly for playing. He pinned my forearm to the body of the guitar momentarily to make a point. Now every time I play I am reminded of this and have to keep that adjustment, but it's difficult because I'm so used to moving my arm almost freely and picking more from my elbow, it's a very bad habit. I'm going to practice it, though, like anything else and hopefully break this habit.

I'm supposed to do all my playing through my wrist. It's difficult to get correctly, this has taken me four and a half months now. 

He's also given me advice on other things, like that confidence and self worth is really the only thing that matters, especially in appealing to the opposite sex. He also told me that people will tell you what they want you want to know if you ask them. If you ask them how things are going with their boyfriend/girlfriend, they will tell you. It sounds simple but it's something that a lot of us don't do when we're hesitant in meeting a person and though it's good not to be too forward but it really is better to ask someone straight out than not and get confused when things don't work out. 

I should work out tonight, I feel like even if I've been working out pretty often again I'm still eating out too much and ruining my diet. My mom made some ground beef-noodle-"season in the box" dish tonight that was alright, definitely hot so that was nice. Those things contain way too much sodium though and taste/look disgusting just hours after you make it. Makes you wonder what's really in it. Don't get me wrong, they don't taste too bad.

Tomorrow I'm probably just gonna relax and hang out, probably study. I'm not going to go out because I already spent $20 today on a MAC mascara and I'm not planning to spend again until I get paid on Thursday. Not having my lesson on Wednesday is nice, Wednesday had become sort of a hectic day when I was hanging out with Samantha after almost every lesson. Now I can really get refreshed before my work weekend. He he he, only three more weeks to go you guys! 

peace. 

Love is a fallen word. And never spoken here. [Very deep thought and reflection.]

Waiting for the one,
The day that never comes,
When you stand up and feel the warmth,
But the sunshine never comes,

No the sunshine never comes

 

You know, I thought getting together with Guy last night would make me feel relieved and better about myself because I've craved that attention that I got from him and just wanted to get away and have a fling for the night to escape the emptiness feeling that plagues me like a bad parasite that keeps me from doing what I know is "right."

Originally, yes, we did have a very good time. I drove over to his house yesterday from CBC after an extremely confusing lab and a successful test (I'm almost sure I aced that thing). Hermiston isn't that far, but when we got together we just pretty much laid around and watched movies like friends and talked. We usually do have really good conversations together, especially now that we've gotten to know eachother better. We actually have funny shit to look back on how in the past couple months, and I feel like he actually IS one of my friends now.

But it really is "just friends." 100%. And now that I realize this, that there is no chance what-so-ever that we will be in a relationship, sex becomes rather empty. Granted, it feels good. We have fantastic sexual chemistry. But I enjoyed it a lot more back when I felt that he might "like" me and now that I realize that he doesn't it just makes me feel even worse than before. Though I do feel like last night was inevitable, I am still not feeling great about myself. Because honestly, 180 days? I'm still keeping myself to the "no new partners" aspect of it, but now that I've broken my promiss to myself I'm feeling like I set myself up for it.

Every girl wants affection. And I can't deny that as much as I like to deny it, I'd like to have someone that cares about me enough to say that I'm their girlfriend. Actually gives a shit about me long enough to wait. But there is a huge problem with this.

I am not attracted to the "nice guy" type, at all. In fact they creep me out.

I have always been the most attracted to guys that have these traits:

-Socially confident.

-Considers himself the best looking one in the room, regardless if he is or isn't. So cocky, essentially.

-Is DOING stuff. Not just sitting around trying to get ahold of me but out having a life. Though this person would have to be willing to incorporate me at least somewhat into this life.

-Is willing to have fun. I can't stand guys that are "Straight edge" and take themselves way too seriously, but are actually willing to have fun, party and make a drunken ass of himself once in awhile.

-A sense of humor, usually a dark one. I, however, can't stand men that try way too fucking hard to make everyone around laugh all the time, even if what he's saying is crude and disgusting. This has ruled out a few people for me.

-Moderately have his shit together. At least somewhat knows what he wants.

-Isn't into corny romantic bullshit.

-Physically attractive to me. There is no way around this. I'm sorry but even if someone is mentally compatible with me in every aspect, if there is no physical attraction what so ever, it will never work. I know immediately if someone has any potential or not, which immediately rules out a lot of men. But I'm not willing to change this. I refuse to ever be with someone I'm not physically attracted to because that's stupid.



That being said, you can SEE why I have an attraction to Guy. He has all of this traits, to some extent.



But it's not honest affection. He does not care about me at all in that way, but that's what I signed up for at the get go. We're both clear on this. We've talked about it-- extensively, and he's made it perfectly clear that I'm not what he's looking for that way. Yet we continue to do this because it's using eachother.

I think what triggered these emotions today, more than anything, is this article that Katharine posted that she said was "So true" titled "How to Live a Great Love Story." (http://donmilleris.com/2011/08/02/how-to-live-a-great-love-story/)

1. Don’t hook up: Girls shouldn’t make it too easy on the guy. Don’t hook up, in other words. A recent article in Scientific American revealed when a girl hooks up with a guy, she esteems him very highly. She may think of him as powerful or famous, somebody who is strong. But the opposite is actually true from the guys perspective. Guys hook up with girls they find less attractive and sexually easy. All they want is sex, and so if they perceive she will give them sex and then get out of their lives, they are going to jump at the chance. The girl may feel very wanted and beautiful but the truth is he’s insulting her. If he thought of her with respect, he’d sit and ask questions about her life and her family. He’d try to get to know her because he wants to develop a friendship and perhaps a romantic relationship. In other words, guys don’t hook up with girls they would marry. They marry the girls they get nervous around and are made to pursue. So, if you become a “hook up” girl you get labeled, in the minds of guys as a girl you really don’t have to fight for.

Just by reading this I immediately feel unsuperior and ashamed of my life currently, as well as slightly hopeless. Reason being. I look at how this is "supposed" to play out according to this article:

1. Boy meets girl.
2. Boy falls in love with girl.
3. Girl is a bit hesitant knowing her heart is tender and could get hurt.
4. Boy proves himself strong enough to handle and defend her heart.
5. Girl trusts boy and they live happily ever after.

Versus how it actually tends to work out for me:

1. Girl meets boy.

2. Girl thinks boy is hot and feels like there could be some potential there, so girl starts talking to boy.

3. Boy is interested by girl's ass and finds girl interesting enough to talk too. 

4. Girl and boy end up hooking up because girl is turned on by boy.

5. Girl ends up attracted to boy more than boy is attracted to girl and boy feels like he can get BETTER than this girl with some other girl.

6. Girl realizes this, and decides that the boy wasn't right for her anyway. Girl moves on, pissed off and depressed for awhile but gets over it.

Process repeats.

I'm not going to say that this has always been how it is, because I admit there have been guys that have liked me, but none of which I've had any interest in because they don't fit nearly any of the traits that I listed above. This last little passage of how it works out typically is only about guys that I HAVE been attracted to in the past. And believe it or not, I'm not attracted to many people. In fact, there's only been a couple of my boyfriends that I was actually attracted too completely.

I think it's time to be honest with myself. I have made some major mistakes, and I need to stop doing what I'm doing because all it does is make me more and more depressed about this aspect of my life. Though I am not expecting to meet anyone anytime soon that I am physically, mentally and sexually attracted too that feels the same way about me, I need to at least get some self worth back. I thought this 180 day challenge thing would work, but then when I found out that I'm not going to be getting my AA anytime soon and could be potentially stuck in the tri cities for even longer, it has lead me to pretty much give up.

5. Have some faith: I’ve noticed that most women who complain a good man won’t come along are actually interested in the wrong guys. They make lists of their perfect gentleman coming to rescue them meanwhile they’re hooking up with guys who have a track record of just having sex with random women. Really? Your husband won’t really care what you say, he will care what you do. We tell our love stories with our actions, not our words. Life isn’t a Taylor Swift song, with all the hardship left out. It works more like a Normal Mailer novel, with all the gritty garbage left in. Stop falling for the romantic version of life, and start realizing that a romantic story is told with an enormous amount of pain, sacrifice, suffering and patience.

This is actually very inspiring to me, regardless of the fact that I've broken the main rule in it. I just really need to be patient, but when you've been patient practically your whole life and it has never worked out, then you lose this mentality because you feel like if you're patient then nothing will actually ever happen.

6. Don’t be thirteen: Unless you’re thirteen, ladies, grow up. Many women claim that men just won’t grow up, but then you sit and talk to them and realize they haven’t grown up either. They aren’t strong enough to demand something more from their men. They aren’t strong enough to say no to a guy who just wants to use them. These are all elements of immaturity. And it’s the stuff of a bad love story. A good man will attract a good woman. And a victim will attract a predator. Stop acting like a victim.Act like a dignified woman who believes her company is valuable and should come at a price.

Yet, another thing that I really need to work on. I really need to stop feeling like the man is doing ME a favor by giving me his time. Maybe I really do need to "grow up" and stop feeling sorry for myself because this aspect of my life has completely been a failure to this point, and seems to be getting worse instead of better.

At first when I was reading this I'm like "WOW, not how real life works at all.." but now I realize that there are some major things in this that I need to adapt into my life.

Yes, I'm a metalhead.

Yes, I'm an artist.

I'm a klutz.

I'm loud.

I don't think before I speak at times.

I've had depression.

I love incense, pot, the bass guitar, and talking for hours on end.

Yes, I'm different.

Yes, I've made some mistakes in my life.

But SOMEONE will accept me eventually and love me regardless, and doing what I'm doing now and getting beat up over this isn't going to get me any closer to that. That being said, my 180 day challenge was NOT the best approach because what that essentially said was that I'm going to completely cut myself off from men from 180 days because that's unrealistic. And what was supposed to happen after that 180 days? I imagine I'd go hook up with someone because I'd be so sexually repressed that I'd be mind fucked.

The 180 day challenge is null and void, but I am placing the goal for myself that I need to respect and honor myself way more. It's the biggest challenge in my life, and always has been. Respecting myself is harder than any sport I've played, any diet, any test in school... Life is extremely hard, but I feel that before I can love anyone else or be happy in any way I'm going to have to learn to respect myself and love myself.

And in the times that I've done this before I feel like I've never been true to this because I've been hesitant to post this because of fear of what someone might think, but I doubt anyone has the patience to read all this. This is for me. These are all realizations that I have to make in my life or I'm going to be miserable with myself forever, regardless of how well I do in school or how many accomplishments I have or how much money I make.

And suddenly I'm feeling a lot better. Thanks again, blog.

Yours,

Emily