Communication issues

Hi.

Okay. Here I am. Still here in Benton city. It's 12:33 pm. All my stuff is in my car, I have a few pieces of laundry tumbling around in the dryer... I have makeup on and got a good night's sleep but I have horrendous bags under my eyes. I guess there's been a lot on my mind lately. Granted I've been happy, probably happier than I've been in awhile. I usually feel this after coming home, visiting with my friends and family, and then leaving feeling refreshed.

I don't leave my calendar open when I'm home. I don't make a daily checklist either. I just do whatever I want and let the day come to me as it will. In Ellensburg however I find it necessary on the weekdays to write out everything that I need to get done. Maybe it's because I'm living alone or because I have more responsibilities.

It's probably because in college I am 100% accountable for myself, my work, etc... If I stub by toe there's no point of screaming "SH*T!" because there's nobody around to hear it-- versus here at home where if I'd stub my toe the whole house would have to hear about it. It's funny, I find myself falling into old cursing habits when I come home, especially when I'd hang out with Katelynn, but I don't normally curse at school unless I'm around people that make me nervous or intimidated.

I'm trying to cut back on my cursing immensely. It's hard because I got really accustomed to it at home as an anger release, but now I just think of it as something that breeds bad karma. My Dad has been yelling at my mom so much lately and he's practically impossible to communicate with. I know he realizes that we know that he's doing it too but he's afraid of losing his sense of authority if he doesn't yell all the time. He would get so much more respect out of everyone if he would just calm down, but something tells me he can't help it. He  has to yell at people or he feels like nobody's listening...

That or he does it because he's bored and it gives him some kind of satisfaction to yell at us. I don't know. I've helped my mom take everything with a grain of salt with him because I understand now that it's just in his nature to behave this way. It's unfortunately not going to change, and I sincerely believe that he loves us. I just want him to calm down and enjoy life a little more.. But at the same time I think he enjoys getting pissed off about things.

My Mom is so loving and positive but for the sake of convenience and Avery and I's sanity growing up my parents always stuck together and we've always been a family. It's an interesting relationship. My Dad's really smart, I realize that more now as I've gone to school longer because this stuff is difficult. My Dad told me hardly any of this stuff that I'm learning I will have to take directly from memory to work in the future.

Honestly I'm not thinking much about that-- my future in the professional world that is. The most important time is the present. I'm trying to do college to the best of my ability, period. Next quarter I've got statistics, professional speaking and macroeconomics and for the next week or so I'm planning on checking out what to anticipate.

Uh let's see, what else....

Clothes. My mom and I went into town and I got some new clothes to wear. That was kind of a nice confidence boost and feeling of new beginnings after losing Katelynn. I honestly feel that now that we're not best friends anymore I will start wearing brighter colors. I've come to realize that one of the only reasons I wore only dark clothes was because I wanted to stay humble to keep her in my life. Maybe subconsciously I felt that if I dressed girlier she would think I was becoming like my mom and sister and not want to be friends with me. It's all really strange.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that now that Katelynn is not in my life I feel like my main source of judgement for what's happening in my life is gone...

My Mom and I tried to have a discussion with my Dad earlier and I backed up my Mom that he often acts out of line. I surprisingly was able to make him stay and talk for 10 minutes and actually admit that he does act unreasonable. He gets really defensive when you hold him accountable for his behavior at all. It's impossible for my Mom so I kind of have to back her up when he starts screaming about absolutely nothing of importance.

peace. 

I really didn't let half this drama bother me that much. [Project timeline, age 16]

Jessika is back on the scene.

I saw that she updated her profile picture today, which was the first update I'd seen from her since June 5th (around the time we had the falling out). Back then I figured she'd blocked me but I later realized that she temporarily shut down her facebook. I had actually wondered in the bath today what she'd been doing. I had more assumed she'd moved away, like to Idaho or something to help take care of her friend's baby.

Nope, she's still here.. I have no idea where she's living or what she's doing but I have no intention of asking or clearing the air between her and I. I'd rather put that to bed for good. However, I will not delete her from my friends list. Seeing her occasional updates might be interesting. I love facebook for that reason, you can see what people are up too while keeping your distance.

 Last night I spent the night at Katelynn's house and slept on her mom's mattress that she's going to sell soon. I actually really like that mattress, or maybe it's just that I like the sheet on top. I have been noticeably more sore lately but I think that's from all my working out with the whey protein. That stuff lets you work out for longer periods of time but it has a tendency to let you over-do it if you're not careful. My abs are really starting to get definition, it's strange.

Onto my project timeline again. Going back further I have to dig into my old myspace, back even further I'll have to go into my old photobucket account... I don't think I have any pictures of me when I was a child on my facebook, we'll have to wing it with snapshots from my phone. Until then...!

Project Year Timeline, 

Age 16, 2007-2008

Year of blissfully surviving social nightmares.

At 16 I was sort of starting to find my identity. I knew I didn't fit in that great with the mainstream popular leadership kids after getting shut out by them the previous year, and I was ready to find a more accepting crowd and move on. 

Unfortunately this was hard to do, because the way I saw it I had two choices: Either find some freshmans to hang out with or try finding friends two classes above me. Katharine's class was off limits because I knew pretty much all of them from being friends with Katharine, and none of them seemed like they'd want to hang out with me. Maybe someone would have if I tried, but I didn't, they were an extremely tight class and had very defined groups of friends that I didn't fit into. 

The previous year had been really rough for Katharine and I, which I will explain when I talk about 15. During soccer Katharine would snap at me for one reason or another, like this one time she was at the front of the line when we were running tied hand to hand with the rope and I asked a question to the girl in front of me (probably Alex S.) and Katharine yelled out the answer, sarcastically, as if it was a stupid question. Caitlin D. yelled that we needed to stop fighting immediately. 

Soccer season was rough especially because I hardly got any playing time. Lindy played defensive center mid too and scored a couple goals with her enormous kick and put me out of the job. I was a solid varsity player though, never had to play on JV. There was actually enough of us to have a jv team that year. 

Katharine was going to CBC but she was still in yearbook with me. We had soccer sports awards and I apparently didn't get the memo on when they'd be held. I had forgot about it and NOBODY called me to tell me it was going on. It pissed me off so bad that I started cursing and crying in Mrs. Tyrell's room, and Katharine just shrugged like I should have known. She could have easily called. Soccer season ended badly on that note and I didn't know if I wanted to play again. 

On top of that I was dealing with absolutely crazy shit with Tony L. and Genisis, the younger sister of my ex boyfriend Chino. Genesis printed a bunch of flyers saying I'm a "hoe" and left them all over the football stadium. She was never punished for it. 

You see I'd made some other friends, a much larger group consisting of a lot of foriegn exchanged kids. Austy C. was a really well liked person and she seemed to like me after I'd become friends with Heather E. the previous year. 

They were a really good group of girls, definitely involved in the school and super spirited (note that I was NOT. I was actually anti-school spirit after my previous year...).. Austy and Chelsea L. really were the group leaders and we'd all sit together at lunch. 

I was really envious of this girl in my group named Alice (pronounced "Aliche"). Well, I'm pretty sure almost girl in the school was. She was drop dead gorgeous, I mean tall, rich, beautiful, tan, from Milan. At the beginning of the year I was pissed about it, I was like, okay now my chances of dating anyone in highschool are probably even worse. Ha ha little did I know Chino wouldn't have let me date anyone regardless. Once I got to know Alice, though, I really enjoyed her company and stopped caring. She ended up dating Tony L. (Chino's cousin) who at the time absolutely despised me. 

Jack and I started talking on the phone this year at some point. During one of our long phone conversations Jack asked me where he should take Aliche on a date. 

Not far from Austy's group sat Kandyce's group. Kandyce and her minions were sort of the power in numbers clique that were SUPER school spirited and supportive of our football team that was doing really well that year. Kandyce was a friend of Chino's (well, Chino didn't care that much about her I don't think but Kandyce would hold parties and Chino would probably be there...) and after an atrocious experience at Warped Tour her whole group wanted to make my highschool experience a nightmare.

I guess they failed at that. Because in all of this, all these people gunning for me, I somehow stayed pretty in my own world. I think at the time I was playing a lot of video games and hanging out with Katelynn when I could. 

Academics weren't great this year. I really excelled in English with Tyrell but I had to deal with an elective nightmare. Stupid Minkler put me in Welding the first half of the year... Oh my God, Welding, THAT was an experience...

I'm pretty sure I had a crush on every guy in my welding class, namely Levi D. At the time I had just broken up with Chino, who all these guys partied with. No way in HELL they wanted to date me at this point. I was totally off limits. I don't think me and Chino were talking at the time so I didn't understand. Jessica S. was in my welding class, did much better than me, was a favorite of the teacher and got flirted with all the time. Obviously I'd be jealous for this reason. I was really happy when this half of the year was over. 

I was then placed in a weight training class, which was completely full of guys aside from Katharine, Emily B., and Jessica S. Katharine at the time was more than happy to just be partners with Miguel, who she'd started dating recently. Jessica and Emily would work out together and wouldn't really include me so I was stuck without a partner. I didn't have a partner that whole half of the year, I was really fortunate this group of hispanic girls let me in. They'd talk in Spanish together and take turns getting stuck with me. 

Things didn't get much better in the Spring. Tennis was rough because I had started acting like a complete bitch toward Haley in order to regain my friendship with Katharine. This didn't really work; actually when I'd talk bad about Haley toward Katharine to try to impress her she'd say "Haley isn't that bad, actually!" This completely drove me up the wall because HALEY was the whole reason Katharine was mad at me the previous year; of course it was clear that this wasn't the only reason once it that "problem" was taken care of. 

Me and Haley got in a number of arguments, including one on the tennis bus over some headphones. She would take falls during challenges so she could be in the 2nd seat because I seemed to WANT to play first seat. Actually my sophomore year I didn't want to play first seat, I wanted to beat Haley because I didn't like her and she didn't want to give me the satisfaction. What better way than to put a 16 year old against girls that completely whiped the floor with my face? I probably deserved it, honestly. Haley ended up quitting and I was stuck playing monsters the rest of the season. I think I won a couple matches, it was good practice however for the next year.

Overall:

Looks: I was still sort of dressing/dying my hair how my mom told me it would look the best. I did the blonde thing most of the year and didn't feel that comfortable with it for the most part. I dressed in plain, sort of preppy clothes from Pac Sun, JCPennies or the new Fuego. 

Work: This was the height of babysitting for Chad and Carmin, I'd be over there multiple times a week pulling practically all nighters. I had just started driving and would get pulled over by cops for violating curfew.

Skills: Developing tennis skills, I wasn't that good but I still loved it. 

Love:

I guess one of the best things about my sophomore year WAS Connor. I had talked to Audrey, his best friend, and ended up meeting up with her to go to Ray's. I met Connor and we clicked almost immediately. We'd cuddle in Audrey's basement in this spare bedroom downstairs. There was a lot of crazy shinanigans going on that I wasn't used too.

Connor was a huge smoker, and I'd never been around that before nor did I really know what it was. It didn't bother me though because I liked Connor so much I was willing to put up with whatever. It really drove his day to day life back then, though, and it bothered me that he cared more about it than he did me. Overall, though, my relationship with Connor was good. 

The timing really was perfect (around tennis season my Sophomore year). I was never really attracted to Chino and after our relationship was over I was looking for another guy that resembled Toren-- long hair, skater type, etc... and Connor fit the mold of what I was looking for even better because he was tall. I really liked this one and it took a long time to get over him after we were through around July. it's funny, in the times we've spent together he said the same thing even if he acted as though he didn't give a f*ck either way at the time.

I've never really had a relationship like Connor's since we broke up in 2008.. It  really has been that long. Regardless of Connor's lifestyle's contrast to mine (I was still pretty goody two-shoes back then, Hell I still am in a lot of ways) he still really liked me for me and I think that was the last time I really had faith in love. 

Granted I can't say I really loved Connor, but I'm sure I wouldn't have broken up with him and it could have gone there. It's probably for the best that it didn't, he didn't like how caught up I was with school and sports and discouraged it. Sports kept me out of trouble.

Music: I had a Zune with a huge amount of memory so I started buying CDs from all sorts of rock genres. One of the CDs that I bought was Trivium; I originally got it for Katharine (not realizing at the time that Katharine didn't like metal at all) but she didn't really want it so I kept it myself. This was really my first exposure to metal. 

I mainly listened to Coheed and Cambria. Katelynn got me really into them when we started talking again and she burnt me a couple CDs such as Junesong Provision. 

Confidence: 

Like I said before I really didn't let half this drama bother me that much. I wrote a lot in my blog to get it off my chest but I was able to escape by playing video games, namely Bully for the PS2 that we'd finally purchased that year. My mom was always really stressed about my drama but I put a lot of it behind me. Needless to say I didn't really like Ki-Be, but I dealt with it and figured it was just part of being an underclassman. If I had to do it all over again I probably would abandon sports and transfer to Kamiakin because I had a long road ahead. 

Alright that's it for now. Tomorrow I'll talk about 15, my year of being CRAAAAAAAAZY.

peace. 

I give myself to you from the essence of my being. 38.

Last night was full of weird dreams.

Ones that I couldn't tell you in full detail because I didn't get straight up to write when I had it.

 The dreams were about rejection, being alone, and having a baby.

There were brief cutaways of being at parties. I was there with some other girls that I can't remember, but none of us were really a part of it. Like there were a bunch of people there having a good  time but we were kind of sitting out. I remember that someone I was really interested in was there but he clearly had no interest in me what-so-ever. Because of this, I wanted to leave, yet his friends kept on talking to me like, explaining what this guy was doing. It just made me sick about it.

After  being rejected by this guy I acted angry and rude toward Sean McIntyre and some other people from my Japanese class for some reason, you know people I see on a regular basis. It was like, for some reason Sean was at my kitchen table with his new girlfriend who "likes to play Warcraft" and for no reason I told her she looked like a slut, shortly after appologizing because I told her I thought she was someone else. I would never in my right mind straight out call a girl a slut unless she had REALLY wronged me.

Note: I *did* like Sean quite a bit in the past, actually around this time last year. I ended up rejecting him in the long run though, in the craziest sense possible. I should of just been honest with him and told him how awkward it would be to be in Japanese together for the next year if we were dating. It would be like a show for everyone in there. Ugh. Yeah, it took quite awhile for me and Sean to enjoy eachother's company again.

Back to the dream. I remember having a baby girl, and not taking care of her very well. Like she was clean and fed and everything but I probably wasn't giving her the attention she deserved. It was like I was resentful toward it. Well, I was *alone* in this dream, so obviously whoever knocked me up with it was out of the picture. I remember the baby was tucked in on my own bed when I came in and wondered why she didn't have a crib of her own. Could this have some significance? She started crying at the top of her lungs when I came in and uncovered her. But note, she was FINE this entire time. Like she was fed and clean, but I wasn't really giving her any love. The whole picture just looked like I wasn't ready for this and wished I still had my own life. I was also angry at whoever the father was because I was alone to take care of her.

That's all I remember of my ongoing dream last night. I don't remember any specific details, but the dream kept on coming back as I fell in and out of sleep because of coughing attacks. Vivid dreams like this are typically attributed by medicine, and last night I took some perscription grade cough medicine. I wasn't particularily sad or feeling anything about this subject last night. Actually, I remember thinking how happy I felt with all of the friends I've been making lately and how well, not lonely I've been.

I guess my subconcious wanted to remind me of that void in my life. Again. I don't think I'm crazy, and I try to repress this as much as I can because it really is the only thing I can do. This is probably going to be another year of being "alone," which is especially likely because I have a set time that I'm leaving and no guys that are my age that even want a girlfriend want something that is almost guarenteed to only have the possibility of lasting until I leave. But why do people insist on looking that far ahead? Why can't they just live in the moment? ...Not that I'm one to talk about "living in the moment." I study for three hours a day just to hopefully seal a successful, comfortable future for myself, and someday I hope I can look back and thank myself for all the hard work I've put in. Because of this I strive for perfection and look WAY more to the future than I probably should.

I feel like looking up the meanings to some of the main objects of my dream.

Custosy of http://dreammoods.com/



Baby Clothes. In the dream I remember seeing my baby's clothes that needed to be changed.

To see baby clothes in your dream suggests that you are expressing yourself in a more subtle way. Alternatively, baby clothes represent your former ways of thinking or old habits which you have outgrown.

This is so true! I have been growing a lot as a person. I've become a lot more secure with myself, more social, and I don't let nearly as many things and anxieties bother me anymore. I feel that I've become more self aware of how frantic I tend to act. I've also been trying to become more cafeful of anger flareups and becoming a better listener. Because I've realized, nobody really wants to hear me blather on about myself. They want to talk about themselves. This is why I have this blog.

Baby. To see a baby in your dream signifies innocence, warmth and new beginnings. Babies symbolize something in your own inner nature that is pure, vulnerable, helpless and/or uncorrupted. If you find a baby in your dream, then it suggests that you have acknowledged your hidden potential.

This is pretty true too. I have become a lot more secure with myself, and I'm no longer that afraid of what people think of me or humiliated about the past. That chapter of my life is over and with this new year I'm moving forward. But at the same time I was sort of mistreating that baby, as if symbolically I'm afraid of facing these new changes and something inside me is still scared and vulnerable.

To dream of a crying baby symbolizes a part of yourself that is deprived of attention and needs to be nurtured.

Well, this is obvious.

It's time to get going with my day.

Today's Friday which means I'm going to hopefully get some work done and play a lot of guitar. Other than that I don't have plans. I'd really like to get my hair dyed black, which was inspired by this picture that I saw on Suicide girls. I really think I could rock it. I feel it's time to stop worrying about what my mom and sister think and try something new.

I haven't talked to or seen Katelynn in a couple weeks now. It's weird, she completely flaked on Wednesday and didn't give me any heads up why she didn't end up coming over. I think it'd be a good gesture to bring over Alan's replacement CD today. Yeah, maybe it's a good idea to just go into town. I've got some errands to do. If anything, I could buy that hairdye at Sally's. Brad says he doesn't think it would look good on me, and immediately he's making me doubt it.

My biggest fear with dying my hair black is my mom saying "UR TRYING TO LOOK AZN!!!" or some stupid shit that she likes to say. I DON'T WANT TO LOOK ASIAN, but this gives my mom ammunition to think that I do if I were to do this.

I just randomly started crying out of nowhere. I don't understand why this happens to me, everything is FINE. I SHOULD BE HAPPY. I HAVE A TON OF FRIENDS. I'M DOING WELL IN SCHOOL. I hate depression, so much, I just gotta keep fighting.

peace.