Switching my major around, sort of

Hey all.

Let's see, it's 1:26 pm and today's been really good. This morning I woke up realizing why I'd been angry all day yesterday. I was really emotional about nothing. Terry and I talked today, everything's cool. I don't know if he's interested in me or not but I've decided I don't really care because it doesn't matter. Terry and I are the same major-specialization so I'm going to see him around for another year.. well that is, if he stays at Central. Since his family is from Aberdeen he might want to go to school closer to his family at some point. Or maybe he'll get picked up by some other team, who knows.

But it's all good. Seriously. If I do hang out with Terry again it will hopefully be to do the second attempt of our statistics homework that is due on Monday. I did the first attempt at that today. It took an hour and I was feeling VERY confident about my answers but was shocked when I got about a D on the assignment score. Luckily Sipic gives us 2 chances (again, I like his class, there's a lot of resources to learn the material including online questions which is a plus. Working online is nice, too) on the assignment.

So because I've liked my Stats and economics classes so much this quarter I've been considering changing majors. Oh that and I can't stand my comm class. And something tells me the Human Resource Management specialization classes will have similar gender distributions as my comm class that has a bunch of Public Relations majors. Lots of females. Now I have nothing against women, obviously I am one! But now that I've started to get a better understanding of economics and statistics and my mind is like-- OH HEY, I CAN kind of do this, I would like to go into Finance and Supply Chain management!

But how do I know if my brain is ready for this? I have to work especially hard. I never anticipated to be taking on this incredible challenge. Finance is a much more difficult choice in regards to the amount of math than Human Resource Management. Professor Sipic really inspired me when he said "Statistics is hard. Math is hard. Get used to it because it will be like that for the rest of your life."

It's so true! And I realize now that my brain has no disadvantage to any other student in class because math is hard for EVERYONE. Granted I do not want to take any more accounting. There is a lot of accounting that goes into this stuff but the finance major is much different:

okay this looks like crud, just copied this onto paint...

This is all the classes needed to get the bachelors in finance. These are the classes that I would take after this quarter, so next year is going to be by no means easy, which is why I'm really working hard in statistics currently to understand this and have a better grasp of what's to come in the upcoming months.

I am really excited to take more econ classes-- especially international economics which I will definitely take with Carbaugh. That will be my third class with him probably. I just really like how his classes are set up, they're easy to follow and his lectures always make sense. Plus he's a kind person and doesn't act like he wants to fail all of us. 

I do not like professors that deliberately act like assholes, honestly. I've been lucky enough to not get any of those.

Because I was not in the greatest mood yesterday I did not do very well on my speech. I feel like I did not act very friendly in a matter of engaging with the audience, so I plan on acting friendier toward people today. Like this poor girl asked me a question about where I got my shirt and I answered that I had no idea and that I didn't care much about fashion. Shit, she was just complimenting my shirt, I need to learn to take a compliment and not take myself so... excuse my wording here, damn serious. Lol just kidding, it's not that, I just honestly didn't know the answer to her question and my nervousness compounded on top of the nervousness of being up there.

Not that I'm afraid of my class or anything. It's just a different group of people. All of the comm majors. It's something that I'm taking to avoid taking technical writing because I already suffered through that at CBC. Lol that was Spring quarter, actually, that was a fun class. That quarter I hung out with Josh F. and Tyson B. before class. Then I met Corey B. and of course Guy.

Speaking of Guy!

I added him on facebook the other day. We're cool. He's doing shows, has a girlfriend and his baby that he probably see's on the weekends, and I'd assume he lives at least somewhat close to his ex.

But yeah, uh professional speaking class. Honestly yesterday I was sitting in class trying to study stats but my calculator buttons were too loud. I need to be a good listener in that class to get a good grade but when I'm the last one on the list and I'm so bored with anticipating for my speech that I wanted to do something productive.

It's just boring. It's nothing against the professor, he seems like a super nice guy and he's trying to make this as interesting as possible by letting us pick our own topics and such. Speaking of which I have an informative paper that I need to do... I'm considering talking about the recent change in affairs with North Korea and how they are basically threatening the US and the South right now. 

don't even read the next three paragraphs, seriously. This is for my own personal reference later.

I think that would be interesting. And specific enough. I will spend part of the presentation talking about the Juche philosophy, and the "Father Figure" and "God" Kim Il Sung and Kim Jong Un. I will talk about how both of them have passed away, and how Kim Jong Un is leader to a country in a desperate situation and in order to draw attention to themselves to make changes have called for war. Of course people have to encourage this in order to not be sent to death camps.

The end of the last remaining command system, communistic regime is coming close to an end! My friend Ethan is currently stationed in South Korea and he doesn't even seem too scared about it because he knows the lack of resources North Korea has. However these people have been so far indoctrinated that even with starvation, lack of electricity, and brainwashing in this secluded country, perhaps soldiers will fight.

The question is what will become of our military? Now what would be CRAZY is if something actually happens between now and the point that I make my speech. Granted it's not likely but literally the North Korean media has been broadcasting it's serious decision to go to war with the US (...oi vey) and South Korea to achieve "Reunification" and the worldwide spread of Juche philosophy. Now, any moron, especially the son of the "Greatest Godlike Surpreme Military Commander that Ever Lived Kim Jong Il", Kim Jong Un will know that the likelihood of this actually happening is worse now than ever. The Juche philosophy and insane dictatorship was barely conceivable in the 1950's when North Korea was actually ahead economically of it's South Korean counterpart, let alone today where the DPRK has been hit with massive floods, starvation and death of probably a third of it's population by this point (I will definately double check this when I am doing the presentation. Unfortunately because North korea is so secretive this information will more than likely not be available. It's not like North Korea has a census, individuals in their society don't matter!)


Alright anyway, tty guys later. Gonna go to my speech class now... blarggg

peace.

How else would I spend it. (Project year timeline, 20, 19.)

Time is funny to think about.

We as humans live with the inevitable. We are given the gift of life and someday we will die, it's something we must accept and learn to live with in order to live a happy, progressive, fulfilled life. If we spend too much time worrying about what's going to come in the afterlife, we're wasting valuable time that we could spend LIVING.

As we grow older we change as people, we get a better idea of our identity and place in society, as well as reflect on how we've grown and changed. Time seems to go by slow, I felt as though I'd never get out of here but here it is.... August 27th, I've now got . . .

16 days! 

I hung out at Katelynn's last night. We're trying to spend as much time together as we can before I leave. I'm probably going to hang out with her again on Tuesday after I hang out with Samantha. Samantha doesn't know about this yet but we've sort of gotten into a routine about when we all hang out. How else would I spend my last two weeks here but hang out with my best friends.

You know what might be fun? (Well, for me) Instead of a typical countdown, I think for every blog entry that I write between now and when I leave I'm going to talk about that year and post a picture from that year (if I have one). I'm going to do this to reflect, and by the end of this I should have a whole timeline from year to year. 

I'm not going to start with "16", if I would have had this idea I would have started when I had 20 days left. I guess I'll just do a couple years today and do more of them as I countdown. I hope that in writing these I can someday print my blog and further preserve these vivid memories that swim in my mind. They might not be there forever, as one's mind has a way of forgetting "unnecessary" details in order to make room for whatever your current main focus is. 

Project Year Timeline

Age 20, Present

2011-2012

-Confident

-No longer depressed.

-Found my salvation in the guitar.

-Best shape from workout videos.. no longer sports, running, etc..

..I'm not going to bother talking about myself now because you guys know everything that's been happening in my life lately, this is almost irrelevant. 

I honestly find myself much more attractive than back in 2011 when I was trying to be something I wasn't. Well, with my fashion (or lack thereof, can't say trying to emulate what Magibon and Japanese girls wore was much of a style.)

______________________________________

photo taken July 2011

Age 19, 2010-2011

Year of Magibon, Cuteness, and all the Japanese I could swallow

My 19th year started at CBC, this was my first real year of full time college classes because the previous year I was still going to highschool. After not making any friends at CBC when I was in running start, I decided to get more involved and take a lot of Japanese. Because Japanese is a huge challenge and takes a ton of studying, I needed the inspiration to keep going with it. I started making Bento boxes, watched videos by Magibon, and hung out with other Japanophiles.

And I cosplayed! There's the video from Kuro Neko 2011. Though I look cute and might even appear to be having a good time, 2011 was not nearly as fun for me as 2010. Because I was working in the maid cafe I was literally volunteering for most of the con and didn't get to spend very much time with Shawn, Sam and Eddie. I really shouldn't have done it but I thought it would be an amazing time because what could be funner than working in a REAL Japanese emulated maid cafe, right?

Feels silly now that I look back on it. 

The truth is that back in 2011 I was still very insecure. My year started out bad when I met Michael K. from Indianapolis and scared my parents half to death that I actually might be with a person loud and obnoxious like that. 

Summer 2011. When I took Japanese and went to anime conventions, I tried to surround myself that I felt wouldn't judge me. A lot of people that go to anime conventions are artsy, open minded types-- and typically very friendly! Same with the people that took Japanese with me. Of course there's good and bad people in any situation... But I really can't think of any particularly *mean* people that I've ever met in the Japanese culture/anime loving fanbase. Granted I have met irritating as Hell people as well those that are very disconnected with reality... 

2011 was the meat and potatos of community college, I took a lot of my hardest classes and excelled in many. I never took any business classes and just had my mind set on getting my AA in hopes I'd find something I liked.

Overall:

Looks: Broke away from band shirts when I discovered Magibon, so more femininity which got me more attention from guys than I was getting before, including older men such as Tyson, 30-some year old stoner in my Technical Writing class. 

Work: No job, went to school full time and barely got by with what my parents gave me.

Friends: Hung out a lot with people in the Japanese club circle at school. Met Michael Z. and saw him around CBC a lot. I did meet people outside  the Japanese club circle but the friendships would fizzle off. 

Skills: I learned a lot of Japanese when I was 19. I thought that was something I wanted from my career, but really deep down (though I didn't know it yet) it was really just something I had to accomplish because CBC was probably my only chance in life to do it. Got sick of it by 2012 but continued to study it. 

Love: There really was none, I had some BAD experiences with the WRONG guys that were short lived. Guy S. was really the only guy I had extended interaction with, and he was a shady character that for my safety I probably shouldn't have been around. We did have some good times and he kept the beginning of that summer interesting. 

The only guy I really had strong feelings for was Josh F. He and I got along very well and had some hilarious times in Mr. Zhang's math class with the masturbation kid that sat in front of us that we'd try and avert our gazes from. It was so funny, Josh used to start gagged and cracking up at the same time and he'd have to leave lecture. 

I originally met Josh through Tyson. They'd smoke between classes. I felt really uncomfortable with this notion, but I'd sit with Tyson and talk about all sorts of weird theories in the A building before class with old Professor Commeree. Josh would talk to Tyson, and the next quarter we were in Math 96 together. 

June 12, 2011. This was taken really shortly after I met Guy and I remember getting pissed off about the slutty looking girl. I of course at the time had NO idea what I was getting into and probably completely over my head to think I was going to get some sort of.... I don't know, did I want a relationship out of this person? I have no idea. 

In that same Math 96 class I met Cory B., who I went with to get lunch and met Guy when we went back to Cory's house. I remember seeing Guy  looking perfect with his bronze tan, beautiful smile and perfect white teeth and I was hooked. 

Confidence: Not very good because of all of the problems that had occured during the year from choosing the wrong men to be attracted too. I'd sometimes put my foot in my mouth during lectures at CBC before Christian S. told me that I straight needed to SHUT. UP. And. LISTEN. This was a huge step in the right direction for 2012. When this year ended I was happy to have a new start.

I'll do 2010 tomorrow. I now need to start exercising because I just drank a protein drink.

peace.

"So you're a female shredder?"

Last summer I was really concerned that Guy Stevens was the reason that I got sick and couldn't eat anything or sleep. I thought it was because I was nervous around him and the anxiety caused appetite suppression

This year the same thing has been happening, and there's been a 180 degree turnaround of the amount of stress in my life since last summer. I can't eat very well nor can I sleep quite right, even in my own bed. I've been making myself sleep with motion sickness relief pills occasionally (just one, don't panic) just to keep my sleeping routine in tact. I'll try to go to bed at a decent time but the heat will keep me up and then it'll end up being 1 or 2 AM before I actually sleep. The heat actually struck late this year, here it is late July and we're just barely getting that uncomfortable heat outside.


Me and Trisha were sitting outside last night while she was smoking a cigarette and I actually got cold with a slight breeze after being in their very warm house. I haven't liked the temperature changes this summer because I've either been really cold or hot. The only place I can seem to get temperature control is at home. Katelynn's house is pretty close to perfect, too, temperature wise but when I wear skimpy clothes to beat the summer heat I have to sit with a blanket. It's all silly. Maybe next summer I'll venture north to get away from this heat.

I've been hanging out over at Trisha's and Dylan's house a lot, for a number of reasons. First of all, me and Trisha were immediately really good friends. Our personalities contrast in a perfect way so that we get along. She's much more of a Type B personality than I am. She's so graceful and good at things that I suck at like cooking and cleaning so I feel like I can learn a lot from her. She's nice, very cool, she never annoys me and she has a good sense of humor.

______________________________________________________

Dylan and I sometimes butt heads. Not about anything in particular but he does rip on my music taste at least once or twice each time we're together. I don't rip on his but I think it pisses him off that I'm a shred guitarist and don't do much else yet. I've only been playing for... what this is week 15 or something? I want to expand to other music as I get better but this takes time. They've both been playing for years.

I did however notice Dylan trying to play some thrashy sounding stuff when we were sitting in the basement. I'll sit at there house while I'm hanging out with them and play like I do at home just to get my hours in. I won't play with the volume or anything because I know they don't like the music that I like.

Last night, however, this poking fun of my playing got to the point that I actually cried. We were sitting upstairs; me, Trisha, Dylan and Dylan's friend.. crap I can't remember his name, ERIC! Their shaggy haired blonde friend Connor usually showed up out of the blue from time to time, too, but Dylan and Eric are very close.

I liked Eric alright at first, he's got a pretty good sense of humor and he's intelligent. However, anytime I'd say anything around him he'd always either talk over me or rip on me, so I'd sort of stop talking after awhile. He's clever, he could take something I was describing that I was passionate about and totally turn it on me and make it seem like the lamest thing in the world. 

He really pushed my buttons at around 1 am. We'd been partying a bit and I was really exhausted, we were sitting upstairs watching this political humor show... not Colbert Report but the other one. I don't know, I could care less about most politics in this country and don't recognize any of the "guests" on these shows, nor do I watch the news. I was doing my last hour of guitar, all palm muted of course so nobody would get annoyed by it. 

I like the music that I do because I don't relate to music about love. Somehow my brain relates more to music about pain, war, Hell and destruction. Even if my life hasn't been that bad I've been through so much war with my own depression, pain and injustice with the people that this music just suits me better. So of course if I'm going to learn how to play guitar I'm going to learn songs that I like. I'm not trying to prove anything to anyone. In fact I hate playing in front of people and still consider myself a NOVICE player even if some that have heard me have been impressed with my speed. 

Eric picked up my practice sheet and started reading the titles out loud. "Wow, look at this. Alternate picking pattern 1... alternate picking pattern 2... chromatic scales.. Am I reading this handwriting right? Fear of the Dark, OHH that sounds scary.." I simply told him it was by Iron Maiden. 

He goes on to tell me, "Look, it's cool that you're a female shredder, there's none on the "scene" right now... but I absolutely can't stand this music and I'll just be over here doing MY *insert some band here, I don't even know*." He went off on a five minute tangent from here ripping on what I do and started making fun of how serious I was about it and in this process I'm like "Stop...... stop... Please stop." 

I told him that I didn't want to be on any sort of "scene." I didn't want to be in a band or anything, I just want to play. He told me, "OHH you're just playing so that you can upload a video on youtube or something and have a bunch of metalheads get blown away that you can play their favorite song. Favorite. Favorite. Favorite." I had no prior indication that I had a youtube channel but he did hit the nail on the head with that one, yet made it sound so lame that I felt like I was being vain and ridiculous for even wanting to do so. 

By now he had taken my practice sheet and started writing things on it. I don't know what he wrote because I finally just started crying and said, "It's like my therapy, don't do that!" He crossed the line.

It would have been 10x worse if he would of had the nerve to write on my actual practice sheet. I would have probably ripped it away from him and left. It's a major depression curbing tool that I use that is sacred to me. I was really offended and humiliated that he would take something that I thought was so cool and personal to me, and turned it into something that made me feel like I was being lame in my methods to other guitarists.

I'm going to get going, I slept in until 1 today because nobody's been home and I've just been chilling out. I don't want to see anybody, really. 

peace. 

This week has been a bit of an emotional rollarcoaster.

It's been tough, really unnessasarily bad. Like this could of been completely avoided and I would have had a nice week and could have even spent some time with Katharine and enjoyed my last few days of Japanese. Nope, because I was too busy being sad because Jack somehow managed to suck me in and blow me off... what is this, the third time this has happened?



Because I do recall the same exact thing happening this time last May, back when I first started talking to Guy. Jack had started texting me when I was over at Brad Pitkin's movie night and I immediately lost interest in Guy for about two days. Jack talked to me nonstop almost (texting and talked for hours) for about two days, then suddenly stopped. Ran off and got with Jessica Small. This made me very hurt but I ignored it and ended up spending the summer with crazy ass Guy Stevens.

Speaking of which, lets see what he's up to one year later shall we?

Still partying his ass off, clearly. Hanging out with skeezy techno kids. The dubstep thing is just... so embarrassing. Granted I enjoy a little of techno when I exercise, but seriously anyone who listens to that garbage 24/7 is either on drugs or is mentally retarded. I look back on last summer and I realize how much of a dumbass he was and it makes me laugh that he had me so manipulated to think he was some hot shit somewhere.

lawl. I'm not even going to say it.

I just do not like him and I'm glad that I'm in a whole different boat than last summer.

Because trust me, I'd much rather be alone and safe in my own little musical world then having my emotions out on the front line like that. I'm very protective of my own wellbeing. Few people know how many trust issues I have, especially when it comes to men. This of course stemmed from Michael Kaminski but spiraled out of control when I was with Guy. I couldn't trust ANYTHING he was doing because he knew as well as I did that everything he was up to was shady bullshit. He would tell me all sorts of lies to get me to think highly of him when really he was just some loser that was living with his best friends that totally conned thousands of dollars out of DJs around the tri-cities.

I remember when Sheldon Miller told me about this and I didn't want to believe him but I knew he was telling the truth (of course).

.......


Anyway, back to what I was saying about Jack. A week ago he pulled the same thing he did last summer. We talked for like three hours, had a great conversation.. He tried to make plans with me at 3 in the morning. These plans clearly failed, he probably felt a little embarrised for "bitching out." But, instead of telling me, "Hey, Emily SORRY for bitching out on our plans, lets do it another time.." he just didn't even talk to me for an entire week. Am I so wrong to think that's rude?

So he doesn't want to be involved with me, big whoop, get over it. Well that would be easy to do but you guys have to understand that I don't bring this on. He comes to me each time, aside from the couple times that I've texted him first. Then he ditches me and it makes me feel like my friends think I've been the sad sack that's been pursuing his ass for two years. NO. WRONG.

And the thing is, he probably doesn't even know that I like him. And I post this here because there's no way in Hell he has the patience to read this, nor does he care enough to read anything that I'm writing because he doesn't care.

Right now, he's probably laying in his bedroom with some dumb girl that's probably the center of his world right now. He has no idea who she is, she probably has a boring personality, and is probably prettier than me in his eyes, thus more impressive to guys on his Lacrosse team or whoever the Hell he's trying to impress nowdays. I can't be certain, but this is what I choose to believe because history repeats itself.

It makes me sad... I guess you could say I waited for that phone call a bit, knowing that he'd probably want to spend time together over the summer since he just broke up with his last girlfriend and that's the pattern he follows.

Break up with girlfriend,
 talk to Emily when I feel lonely for two days
find new girlfriend
repeat.

This is why I told him when we're going to be studying in the same building that he's going to come to me for relationship advice. Because his sensitivity chip is somehow not there. This entire process that he does is just a game he does to feed his ego and for his own benefit. He has no idea how much it's hurt me when he's done this, and because I allowed him to get under my skin once again I had to suffer the consequences this week.

But my guitar is here, it's sitting next to me. That thing is so beautiful, Jacob was right I'm totally falling in love with it. That, right there, is going to be my summer. I want to get as good as I can before I go off to college. Bam, there's one goal for the summer. Second of course is to earn money! Work sucks but I just have to think of the savings. Dad gave me $200 today to sort of help out for the cost of the instrument. $43 of this went to getting the strings reset, $20 went into my gas tank. So now I only have about $130 to go into my actual savings account, what that money was for in the first place.

I'd say I should lay low with the spending this upcoming week but this will be hard with my party coming up and the fact that there's hardly any food in my house. My mom says she hates grocery shopping but I can't stand when there's not food here. I literally don't eat for long periods of time because of it because I feel to much guilt when I spend money on food but rarely find anything appetizing in my house. This is probably the result of a lot of my weight loss. Makes me not want to exercise tonight because I need to conserve these calories from that cereal I ate earlier tonight so I don't feel hungry in bed.

This Jack situation has sort of zapped my hunger... depression has a tendency to do that, or the opposite, you want to eat all the time. I don't think my stomach could take nearly as much food as I used to consume when I was younger. It's alright though, I don't need as many calories anymore because aside from work I'm a pretty sedentary person. I mean I do sit for at least three hours a day.

But yeah, guitar plays beautifully, I'll probably just chill here for another hour and a half or so and go to bed. Not much happened today but I was rather depressed; thus in a very bad mood toward customers in comparison to how I usually am. I'm just sick of people I guess. I saw Josh Kilgore but I didn't even say "hi." Called up a backup cashier so I wouldn't have to face him because I thought I'd start ranting and bitching. I have no angst toward him at all.

I'm fine, I was pretty beat up over this throughout the week but now that he's gone again I'm back to square one of loneliness. When he's not talking to me at least I don't feel like I'm anticipating anything. That's the hardest part is wondering if anything will become of our random late night conversations. Nope, it was all just a game.

Boy, I feel pretty stupid to have fallen for it for so long.

peace.

Cleaning out my closet (or my mom's computer), my Japanophile phase pictures.

I feel so flattered today!

I posted a picture that I took in my room this morning because I figured I needed a new default, something a little less black and white to lighten things up. I posted the picture and it has like 18 likes on it. I don't really know why someone "liking" something should mean anything, but it does make me very complimented. Speaking of changes, I think I might change the background on this blog. It's all very clique and I like to change it up every so often. Not like anyone reads this thing anyway. Don't blame them, this is super boring. To be honest I prefer it this way.

Onto today's topic!



"Beauty and the Beast seemed like it all was really brown. The whole thing was just so brown and orange and yellow, like Burger King or something. I don't think I would have liked Beauty and the Beast at any age."
-Mike Judge(an awesome quote I heard earlier, completely unrelated, but the picture is.)

I absolutely cannot stand anything bento or "kawaii" related anymore. Because Kawaii itself is a breed of animation and products that can't be matched by anything in the West yet, I've just reached an absolute burnout. Seeing this picture above of a bento box makes me laugh at how much time and effort I put into those stupid little things! They provided barely any food and sometimes I would put items in there just for show because they looked good and knew damn well that later it wouldn't be very tasty. Ugh, I tried. Deleted on my mom's computer, thought I'd further immortalize it online. I'm trying to clear out some of the seas of images I've stored on this poor device. I'll just upload the ones that stand out.

When I was shopping for a cosplay dress, I saved this because I thought it was cute. That ridiculous thing. What the Hell was I thinking?

Yeah, no. Good ridance to that, forever.

Never uploaded because I hate this picture of me.

This is actually me this summer. Uhm, yeah, I think I'm going to start wearing at least some tinting lotion good lord, it was NOT nessasary to strive to be that pale in freaking July.

A sort of cute picture of me that I never uploaded and now I don't see why, it's a lot better than the picture that I did choose because God forbid you should actually see a little of my top lip. That's another thing, the top lip thing that I do in pictures is something I copied from none other than....

Fucking magibon!!! See a resemblance?

www.youtube.com/mririan

Yeah, wasn't too real about my personality there for awhile. I wanted so badly to be like Magibon, or Margaret Adams. Cute, shy, almost nervous... emulating a Japanese "kawaii" persona in a Western world. It inspired me to the point that I actually decided to LEARN Japanese, and it pushed me up until this point.

This point that I started playing guitar (this started around Christmas. Solid hour a day, THAT was the rule) and realized that music interested me a lot more than Japanese things. I wanted to learn all about it and experience it, as I'd always been envious of people that could shred on guitar. I decided that what the Hell, i'm going to actually put in the practice time to do this. This was a very good decision because it has helped my confidence significantly to develop a skill that nobody can take away from me. That, and coming closer to graduation and facing the REAL world.

I'm like, humiliated posting these you guys I'm not going to lie.

I'm not going to say that Magibon didn't have a possitive influence. When I discovered her videos, I was in the stage where I was wearing.. well, GUYS shirts-- black band shirts that covered everything, it was basically like a niqab of my femininity. I felt like I had something to prove my Junior year or so, after going through the Hell of my sophomore year I just wanted people to know I didn't give a shit anymore about what they thought and I was done trying to do myself up for them.

So because of Magibon's influence, I started really getting into cutesy Japanese style, mannerisms, and developing a way to become a mystery to people. But that's not me. I'm not a mystery, I'm an open book. I love to talk, listen. Watch some of Magibon's videos, she doesn't do ANYTHING! She just sits there, stares at the camera, and says a few very basic things in Japanese. It's worked for her very well, she's become almost a figurehead in Japan, had her 15 minutes of fame I guess. But that's her. I'm me. Granted, there are some really cute Japanese clothes and such and I will continue to dress as I please, I do not intend on trying to be something I'm not. I'm happy with myself and feel I look the most beautiful in yoga pants or a black tank top and jeans.

Edit: August 25th. I am not an open book by any means any more, actually I am a mystery to most people I work with and go about day to day life with because I no longer share unnessasary information with people that really don't need to know. It took me awhile to learn how to control things that I said. Really only over the last year have I become less of a "negative nancy" or someone that just... says too much. I can't explain it. I'm happy Magibon helped me be quiet so I could step back and realize the way I was behaving. 

So thank you Magibon for getting me back into looking feminine. In my first encounters with Jack, I was in the band shirt phase but then over time when I was with him I actually WANTED to look good. So she came along right at the correct time I suppose and long after me and Jack stopped hanging out I started dressing a lot cuter. Now I'm sort of in limbo. I don't wear band shirts very often, I have a couple and occasionally I'll wear my old ones to work out or go running. I'm not too preppy or accessorized either.





I often find misc pictures from cosplay conventions that I saved for some use. Deleting these...

It goes without saying that I no longer want to cosplay. I am going to continue to comment people's photos, though. The only possibility that I might cosplay once more is if I go to RadCon again, because you sort of have open territory to dress however you want. As for anime conventions specifically, I'm done cosplaying. To be honest I can't even remember the last time I watched an entire episode of anime, aside from Sailor Moon at the beginning of the year. I watched like 12 episodes of it and I was DONE. But do I enjoy hearing about it from my friend Samantha? Yeah, it's a neat story and it's actually cool to hear about and I love the animation. But I just don't have the time to sit down and watch that stuff. I'm so preoccupied with everything else and like it that way.

I guess the best way to describe how I live now could be related to Confucius, a Chinese philosipher that teaches for people to strive to be the absolute best they can be and live their lives to their fullest potential. This is often why Chinese, Korean, Japanese and Thai people work as hard as they do. Unlike mainstream Confucianism followers, however, I'm not Asian, and I don't have parents that could potentially disown me if I don't do perfectly. I just work extremely hard and obsess on perfection, but it doesn't mean I have an OCD. I'm happy I recently discovered what Confucianism is because it made me feel less abnormal. Like, I'm abnormally hard on myself and I thought it was an OCD.

2012 has been such a good year so far.

I talked to my mom today about getting ahold of Western about my rooming situation. She said that they APPROVED my housing!! WOO! So we are AHEAD of the game, and because I already submitted which building I wanted months ago, I'm now good to go.

I decided not to use the MyRoomate system online because I want to keep my roomates a mystery. I sort of want to get paired with random people so I can get the experience sans the predictability of MyRoomate. It's probably a good idea though so I don't get a Kelsey. Or worse. I could get some morman that gets pissed off about my pot smoking. Which reminds me, I have no idea how I'm going to smoke up there. This might be silly because it's such a liberal school. I don't know, i'm crossing my fingers that I get a room with a window of some sort.

I am not applying to be on a quiet floor because I can work around loud noises. I have in my own house before and at school, it shouldn't be a problem. I'd much rather have the freedom to come and go as I please than not, because I'm not a sneaky person you guys.. 

I won't say that I'm not still fascinated with the anime subculture.

And I have met some really awesome people!

But I just don't feel like I relate to this anymore.

Being a guest at one of these cons was one thing but actually volunteering was an entirely different story. I really did not have a good time this year, it was a ton of work at the maid cafe and after it was over I felt a little silly/embarrised about having walked around serving a bunch of guys in costumes and closet lolitaphiles for hours on end. And I'd driven to Spokane to do this! Very interesting experience. It cracks me up that Guy Stevens was trying to get ahold of me when I was posting these pictures that are considered completely wacky by mainstream society, but when I look back on it now he wasn't any big deal at all and don't know why I was so enamoured.

In all of this let me say that I do not discredit anyone who chooses to be into Kawaii things, anime, etc. I don't feel like I am better than anyone for no longer liking it because everyone has the right to do what they want to do and shouldn't be harrassed for it if it's not hurting anyone.

I just felt like sharing that, I guess. Waiting for Avis to get home. I've still gotta do my hour of "Freeplay" on the guitar but I'm done after that for the night because I already got post of my picking exercises done in the morning. I don't know if I'm getting better or not, I'd hope so. I hope I'm also practicing enough for what Jacob said we're going to start on this upcoming Wednesday. I never really know what's good enough.

Got a 92 on a Japanese test because of all my craptastic particle usage. Damn, it's like, I know the vocabulary and the grammar to the point that I can confidently put things together, but when it comes down to the minor details and kanjis... errg! I can read kanjis fine, but they have to be in some sort of context or I'm screwed. Furigana is always nice too.

Alrighty well gtg, sister is here with groceries.

peace







Finals Day!

My slow ass computer is making me mad tonight. The internet just hasn't been running properly, maybe because it's a busy night or something. Who knows.

Anyway guess what?! We can all (well, I..) rejoice now because MATH 98 IS OVER! Which means that ALGEBRA is over and I am officially college level, which means I can get my AA! Aren't you all proud of me? It's pretty fantastic. Studied for hours and hours and hours this quarter, and I passed my final today and it almost brought me to tears. Granted, I haven't taken it three or more times like some of the other people in my class that I'm sure were happy that they passed, but it doesn't matter. I worked so hard, and Mrs. Lambert even said she'd be surprised if I didn't pass it. She's so sweet to us, she used the scantron to match answers before we left so that we didn't have any rude awakenings next week.

Also, Japanese IV is now complete! I took the final this morning, it wasn't too terribly hard and I almost wung it. Like, I didn't overstudy too hard because I was too concerned about my math.

I'll just back up to this morning with a play by play.

I got up somewhat later than I'd anticipated, and got to school around 9:30. I sat down with Betsy, Caitlin and Nathanael, and started making random chit chat until I finally decided to stick in the earplugs and start studying. That didn't last long before Hannah showed up and sat down, saying she was nervous. I asked if she wanted to practice, leisurely looking down at my phone thinking we had an hour to study at 10:15. Then Hannah says, "We have 15 minutes.." WOAH,WOAH. I suddenly frantically start going through things like "Crap, speaking activities, now." haha. We worked together for about 10 solid minutes, which is a lot more than 40 regular minutes of study when it's with Hannah, before "Tay Tay chan" showed up blaring some rave music.


Not to mention he was wearing stockings and a headband? I have no idea. He always cracks me up but this morning I wasn't particularily amused when I needed to cram. Me and Hannah ended up getting another good 10 minutes of study in the classroom before sensee handed out exams.

Tay Tay chan is always trying to out-TayTay himself. Check out my sexy arm there on the desk. Lol you can just see the intensity.

たくさん難しい試験だ！あとで、眠いです。。１００点でください！！！

Anyway, got that done, even if I was the very last one in class to complete it and felt like a boob. Oh well, I bet I got a pretty good score so that's all that counts right? The kanji on this one got me though... I could barely remember anything and had to use deductive reasoning to figure them out.

Okay so onto math. After Japanese I headed over to the S building with Brenna, and ended up taking to this Mormon kid who was sitting at the couches. No Shavonne or Lily today, though I did give Lily the present I made her. Neither the necklace nor the bracelet fit fantastically, but I hope she likes it regardless. She made me a bracelet and caught me not wearing it... shit. i'm sorry I just can't wear too many things or it'll bug me! I've already got my hemp necklace that I'm still getting used too. It's sort of itchy right now.

The conversation with the mormon guy was interesting, and turns out he's related to the Norman family here in Benton City. He reminds me a little of Lindsey, super gung-ho (enthusiastic, never actually wrote that word before) but also very sweet. Didn't talk to Thomas much because he was talking to Colin about... something, weapons.

I went to the S building, and about halfway there I realized I'd forgotten my math book at home. D'oh! I didn't take too much notice though, went into the tutoring center, and got the last bit of instruction on the last few things. They always help me so much, though one method they used today confused the Hell out of me on the Final later, but it's just one problem. Without them, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't of passed this class. Them and of course Brad Pitkin who showed me all the math rules initially.

So yes, very happy and accomplished that I got through algebra-- math 96, 97 and 98. And I must say, I did a pretty damn good job. I got an 87% overall in the class, which is almost an A and won't bring my GPA down! So I didn't just barely scrape by, I kicked ass.

In other news, looks like as expected I'm postponing my college goals again. I'm going to go to Western in the fall to give my parents more of an opportunity to save money. I just realized that the only reason I wanted to go so bad is just... to GO. To get out of here. And that's not a good enough reason to up and leave when nobody else transfers in the Spring. Brenna had the same plans, and just like me she comes from a white middle income household and it's hard for us to get anywhere without a lot of saving. I am very happy though that my parents are supportive of me, because my life would be a lot harder if they didn't. I don't even know what I would do... it's not like financial aid is easy to come by, middle income or low income. So i'm just going to enjoy my time here. Enjoy my last year that I don't have to pay bills and such and have food in the cuppords without having to think about it.

So it's Christmas break now. For at least the next week I don't have work, that is unless my boss calls me to add hours to my schedule which I doubt he will. Jodi asked me if I wanted to be part of the secret santa. Yeah, on what money? No I don't think so. The only extra money that I'm getting is going to my actual friends.

In totally unrelated news, Guy added my sister on Facebook and today he "liked" a comment that I made to Daisy. Interesting. Of course at the time I commented the photo I didn't realize it was his promotion page, thing... or at least I think it is. Again, I don't get the whole raving thing. I don't even think that picture was taken on halloween. But yeah, really strange that Guy added my sister. Probably just because she's involved in the clubbing scene, but Avery does hip-hop dancing instead of raves. I've honestly been kind of wondering what he's up to, where he's living now, how his daughter is doing, etc... but I'd be pretty weird for me to message him when I pretty much told him I don't want to be involved with him in ANY way back in August or so. I don't dislike him, we had some really fun times this summer (and some *not* so fun, the Abby situation continues to make me feel a little sick) and I'm glad he kept me busy.

But yeah, errm... He's got a lot on his plate. All the time. Though it'd be interesting to know what he's been up too, and why he's adding my sister. Probably because he's adding everyone in the tri cities to promote his thing. Just weird that he's popping up everywhere suddenly.

I'm too lazy to continue my count tonight but I will again tomorrow. i'm excited, me and Katelynn are gonna hang out and I got some KILLER tilapia that is just, sticky and insane. The person that gave it to me surprised the hell out of me today.

I'm gonna get some rest, can't get on too vicious of a sleepless cycle.

yours,
Emily

Vivid dreams and their symbolism. 206.

206 more days.

I had a lot of dreams last night, and I'm going to try to decifer them.

First off, these are all of the people that were in the dream:

-Katharine, one of my best friends. Usually she doesn't show up in my dreams because they're usually about more random people.

-Guy, had a thing with him this summer. We haven't talked in about a month when I cut things off completely because we stopped talking and I got some random event invite from him. Someone I stressed out about all summer, but at the same time I'm happy that I was with him because it gave me something to do.

-Corey B.- He started talking to me randomly recently. We had a bit of a thing for about three days.... then I was like, uhmm nooo this isn't working out.

-Trista N.- This one blonde chick that I think is my sister's age and I think dated Nick S. I was randomly looking around facebook and it says on her profile that she's into girls, which is weird to me because she's a conservative redneck. You like, never see that, at least publically. I imagine she gets a lot of shit for it.

~Dream~

It starts out in Guy's house in Hermiston. We're cuddling with eachother and messing around a little bit. Suddenly he's like, "Shit, I gotta go to school. You driving me?" And for some reason I said "Yes" like this was some regular thing. Note that Guy does not go to school. We start heading toward the front door and he pushes me down again and we start messing around, this time he takes his shirt off. I'm like "Uhmm. You have school in like 15 minutes and it's the first day... you should probably go to class." And he's like, "No, summer's not over yet."

Suddenly I look up, and there's freakin Corey Brundridge and a couple other guys like, sitting there on the bed, and they're like "Guy are we going to party tonight?" When me and Corey saw eachother I was somewhat humiliated and thought I looked slutty. I introduced Corey to Guy as "another guy I was with." Guy seemed to accept this. I get up, and sit by the side of the bed to figure out what the Hell was going to happen next. Guy comes up behind me and puts his head on my shoulder and his legs around me. Then suddenly, this chick Trista comes in and starts talking to me like we're friends and then fucking.. like, gets on top of me and starts giving me a lap dance. I was extremely confused. I remember thinking to myself, "Oh God Guy is going to want a three way..."

This part of the dream stops.

The next part of the dream happens like when we were driving to Lincoln city. Me, Katharine and my Mom were in the van heading to Disney Land, and Katharine was wearing the same exact thing and was wearing glasses like she was when we went to Lincoln city. I remember being happy that my mom offered to drive us all the way there.

We were at this waterpark part of Disney Land-- if there actually is one, I don't know. We were hanging out and suddenly I realized that I had to go to the bathroom. I told my mom that I was going to go find one and my mom is like, "Oh my god you know that the nearest one is like 18 miles away right? Unless you want to use the porta potty... " My mind isn't good with distances, apparently. Very, very far away. And I was thinking, oh god those things are my worst nightmare. So gross.

I look over and there's like 20 people standing in line to use these two stupid porta potties that were like, Island style. Like Disney decorated but still, nasty porta potties. I stood in line behind some middle eastern man. I remember waiting for a long time, then when it was finally my turn walked in and realized there was no toilet. No, it was just a freaking hole in the ground, like when you take out a toilet from the bathroom and there's that hole where the pipe is. I walked away, and walked into this sort office where a young receptionist asked what I was there for. I said, "Do you guys have a bathroom in here? I really have to go and the porta potties are gross.." He said that there was a special celebrity bathroom around the corner. I walk around the corner and walk into this tiny, plain bathroom. I went, and left. I began to think it's going to be funny to tell Katharine that I was in this special celebrity bathroom and how it'd also be a good lie to say that I saw John Travolta in there.

So I came up to Katharine and told her that I saw John Travolta when he was banging on the bathroom door wanting to go when I was in there. Katharine looked skeptical and asked, "Well, where did he go..?" And I'm like.. "I don't know?"

The dream ends.

Alright soo. I think the second part of the dream is pretty obvious, so we'll start there.

Katharine is still in college, but she's probably going to move to LA when she's done. Actually, I think she might be in LA visiting Brian now, or somewhere with him. I know she was going to spend two weeks with him and then wouldn't see him again until Thanksgiving break. Annnnyway. . .

I think the John Travolta thing represents me not having much to say about my life lately when she's doing exciting things because she's enjoying her life at the university+taking trips to LA when I'm still stuck living in Benton City going to CBC. Granted, in the next couple years my life is going to be very exciting too, but I feel like it's just come to us at different times. I don't lie to Katharine, and I haven't lied to her about anything recently about what I've been doing or even really exaggerated on things. But I think that's a pretty accurate representation of what lying about the celebrity meant.

The first part of my dream is a little harder to figure out.

Guy isn't really much on my mind at all lately. I'm happy he's out of my life because I like Japanese stuff again (for some reason, being around him made me overthink my reasoning for liking Japanese culture so much and I temporarily lost interest), and I don't have any anxiety over men. Actually, it's been very nice being single. I don't need any man. Which is why this dream was somewhat odd to me because I really don't miss him. The only time that I DO have dreams about exes or guys that I've been with is when I miss them. Maybe I just miss the sex part.

OH!! I get it now! Okay, so.. he was saying to me in the dream that he needed to go to school, but then was willing to skip when we started messing around and I was just fine with that. I think by him just mentioning school in this, it represents that men and sex can potentially distract me from school and what is actually important. It's clear now, even if I wasn't the one asking for a ride to school and then later not caring, I feel that it symbolizes how destructive a relationship with someone that doesn't have the same goals as I do could be in my life right now.

I know why Corey and those other guys showed up in the dream and what it symbolizes. Guilt. Which is a pointless emotion, but it seems that something inside me is guilty about guys that I've dated. Nothing I can do about it now, though.

And lastly, the Trista thing. Note, I don't know Trista at all, and I don't particularily find her appealing in that sense. I just think she showed up in the dream because something in my mind seems to be thinking about sexuality and if I'm bi or if I'm not. I think that the more shitty relationships and how many times I've been fucked over by men, the more likely I feel it is that I'd be willing to try the other direction. But I know that deep down, I only like men in feeling whole.

There's only one girl that I can think of that I'd love to be with and wouldn't feel like anything was missing if I was with her. And it's impossible that we'd ever get together. I had this realization about her the other day, and maybe that's what's making my subconcious think about this. But it's one girl. There's tons of guys that i've been attracted too, and only one girl. I don't think that makes me bi. Metaphorically, it's like... a bunch of cells of the same kind and one mutation.

That's my dream. damn, I'm getting hungry. There's milk in the house now so I can make cereal, yayy.

yours,

Emily

Goals for Today:

-Get Samantha the katana that it sitting out in the hallway. I need to get rid of it.

-Listen to the vocab that I said on the voice recorder over and over again. Something tells me this will be a good way to learn because it's worked before.



-Study Japanese for an hour (yesterday I studied for two!)

-Do pilates.

-Keep myself busy because I have no money. Maybe make a youtube video?

Love is a fallen word. And never spoken here. [Very deep thought and reflection.]

Waiting for the one,
The day that never comes,
When you stand up and feel the warmth,
But the sunshine never comes,

No the sunshine never comes

 

You know, I thought getting together with Guy last night would make me feel relieved and better about myself because I've craved that attention that I got from him and just wanted to get away and have a fling for the night to escape the emptiness feeling that plagues me like a bad parasite that keeps me from doing what I know is "right."

Originally, yes, we did have a very good time. I drove over to his house yesterday from CBC after an extremely confusing lab and a successful test (I'm almost sure I aced that thing). Hermiston isn't that far, but when we got together we just pretty much laid around and watched movies like friends and talked. We usually do have really good conversations together, especially now that we've gotten to know eachother better. We actually have funny shit to look back on how in the past couple months, and I feel like he actually IS one of my friends now.

But it really is "just friends." 100%. And now that I realize this, that there is no chance what-so-ever that we will be in a relationship, sex becomes rather empty. Granted, it feels good. We have fantastic sexual chemistry. But I enjoyed it a lot more back when I felt that he might "like" me and now that I realize that he doesn't it just makes me feel even worse than before. Though I do feel like last night was inevitable, I am still not feeling great about myself. Because honestly, 180 days? I'm still keeping myself to the "no new partners" aspect of it, but now that I've broken my promiss to myself I'm feeling like I set myself up for it.

Every girl wants affection. And I can't deny that as much as I like to deny it, I'd like to have someone that cares about me enough to say that I'm their girlfriend. Actually gives a shit about me long enough to wait. But there is a huge problem with this.

I am not attracted to the "nice guy" type, at all. In fact they creep me out.

I have always been the most attracted to guys that have these traits:

-Socially confident.

-Considers himself the best looking one in the room, regardless if he is or isn't. So cocky, essentially.

-Is DOING stuff. Not just sitting around trying to get ahold of me but out having a life. Though this person would have to be willing to incorporate me at least somewhat into this life.

-Is willing to have fun. I can't stand guys that are "Straight edge" and take themselves way too seriously, but are actually willing to have fun, party and make a drunken ass of himself once in awhile.

-A sense of humor, usually a dark one. I, however, can't stand men that try way too fucking hard to make everyone around laugh all the time, even if what he's saying is crude and disgusting. This has ruled out a few people for me.

-Moderately have his shit together. At least somewhat knows what he wants.

-Isn't into corny romantic bullshit.

-Physically attractive to me. There is no way around this. I'm sorry but even if someone is mentally compatible with me in every aspect, if there is no physical attraction what so ever, it will never work. I know immediately if someone has any potential or not, which immediately rules out a lot of men. But I'm not willing to change this. I refuse to ever be with someone I'm not physically attracted to because that's stupid.



That being said, you can SEE why I have an attraction to Guy. He has all of this traits, to some extent.



But it's not honest affection. He does not care about me at all in that way, but that's what I signed up for at the get go. We're both clear on this. We've talked about it-- extensively, and he's made it perfectly clear that I'm not what he's looking for that way. Yet we continue to do this because it's using eachother.

I think what triggered these emotions today, more than anything, is this article that Katharine posted that she said was "So true" titled "How to Live a Great Love Story." (http://donmilleris.com/2011/08/02/how-to-live-a-great-love-story/)

1. Don’t hook up: Girls shouldn’t make it too easy on the guy. Don’t hook up, in other words. A recent article in Scientific American revealed when a girl hooks up with a guy, she esteems him very highly. She may think of him as powerful or famous, somebody who is strong. But the opposite is actually true from the guys perspective. Guys hook up with girls they find less attractive and sexually easy. All they want is sex, and so if they perceive she will give them sex and then get out of their lives, they are going to jump at the chance. The girl may feel very wanted and beautiful but the truth is he’s insulting her. If he thought of her with respect, he’d sit and ask questions about her life and her family. He’d try to get to know her because he wants to develop a friendship and perhaps a romantic relationship. In other words, guys don’t hook up with girls they would marry. They marry the girls they get nervous around and are made to pursue. So, if you become a “hook up” girl you get labeled, in the minds of guys as a girl you really don’t have to fight for.

Just by reading this I immediately feel unsuperior and ashamed of my life currently, as well as slightly hopeless. Reason being. I look at how this is "supposed" to play out according to this article:

1. Boy meets girl.
2. Boy falls in love with girl.
3. Girl is a bit hesitant knowing her heart is tender and could get hurt.
4. Boy proves himself strong enough to handle and defend her heart.
5. Girl trusts boy and they live happily ever after.

Versus how it actually tends to work out for me:

1. Girl meets boy.

2. Girl thinks boy is hot and feels like there could be some potential there, so girl starts talking to boy.

3. Boy is interested by girl's ass and finds girl interesting enough to talk too. 

4. Girl and boy end up hooking up because girl is turned on by boy.

5. Girl ends up attracted to boy more than boy is attracted to girl and boy feels like he can get BETTER than this girl with some other girl.

6. Girl realizes this, and decides that the boy wasn't right for her anyway. Girl moves on, pissed off and depressed for awhile but gets over it.

Process repeats.

I'm not going to say that this has always been how it is, because I admit there have been guys that have liked me, but none of which I've had any interest in because they don't fit nearly any of the traits that I listed above. This last little passage of how it works out typically is only about guys that I HAVE been attracted to in the past. And believe it or not, I'm not attracted to many people. In fact, there's only been a couple of my boyfriends that I was actually attracted too completely.

I think it's time to be honest with myself. I have made some major mistakes, and I need to stop doing what I'm doing because all it does is make me more and more depressed about this aspect of my life. Though I am not expecting to meet anyone anytime soon that I am physically, mentally and sexually attracted too that feels the same way about me, I need to at least get some self worth back. I thought this 180 day challenge thing would work, but then when I found out that I'm not going to be getting my AA anytime soon and could be potentially stuck in the tri cities for even longer, it has lead me to pretty much give up.

5. Have some faith: I’ve noticed that most women who complain a good man won’t come along are actually interested in the wrong guys. They make lists of their perfect gentleman coming to rescue them meanwhile they’re hooking up with guys who have a track record of just having sex with random women. Really? Your husband won’t really care what you say, he will care what you do. We tell our love stories with our actions, not our words. Life isn’t a Taylor Swift song, with all the hardship left out. It works more like a Normal Mailer novel, with all the gritty garbage left in. Stop falling for the romantic version of life, and start realizing that a romantic story is told with an enormous amount of pain, sacrifice, suffering and patience.

This is actually very inspiring to me, regardless of the fact that I've broken the main rule in it. I just really need to be patient, but when you've been patient practically your whole life and it has never worked out, then you lose this mentality because you feel like if you're patient then nothing will actually ever happen.

6. Don’t be thirteen: Unless you’re thirteen, ladies, grow up. Many women claim that men just won’t grow up, but then you sit and talk to them and realize they haven’t grown up either. They aren’t strong enough to demand something more from their men. They aren’t strong enough to say no to a guy who just wants to use them. These are all elements of immaturity. And it’s the stuff of a bad love story. A good man will attract a good woman. And a victim will attract a predator. Stop acting like a victim.Act like a dignified woman who believes her company is valuable and should come at a price.

Yet, another thing that I really need to work on. I really need to stop feeling like the man is doing ME a favor by giving me his time. Maybe I really do need to "grow up" and stop feeling sorry for myself because this aspect of my life has completely been a failure to this point, and seems to be getting worse instead of better.

At first when I was reading this I'm like "WOW, not how real life works at all.." but now I realize that there are some major things in this that I need to adapt into my life.

Yes, I'm a metalhead.

Yes, I'm an artist.

I'm a klutz.

I'm loud.

I don't think before I speak at times.

I've had depression.

I love incense, pot, the bass guitar, and talking for hours on end.

Yes, I'm different.

Yes, I've made some mistakes in my life.

But SOMEONE will accept me eventually and love me regardless, and doing what I'm doing now and getting beat up over this isn't going to get me any closer to that. That being said, my 180 day challenge was NOT the best approach because what that essentially said was that I'm going to completely cut myself off from men from 180 days because that's unrealistic. And what was supposed to happen after that 180 days? I imagine I'd go hook up with someone because I'd be so sexually repressed that I'd be mind fucked.

The 180 day challenge is null and void, but I am placing the goal for myself that I need to respect and honor myself way more. It's the biggest challenge in my life, and always has been. Respecting myself is harder than any sport I've played, any diet, any test in school... Life is extremely hard, but I feel that before I can love anyone else or be happy in any way I'm going to have to learn to respect myself and love myself.

And in the times that I've done this before I feel like I've never been true to this because I've been hesitant to post this because of fear of what someone might think, but I doubt anyone has the patience to read all this. This is for me. These are all realizations that I have to make in my life or I'm going to be miserable with myself forever, regardless of how well I do in school or how many accomplishments I have or how much money I make.

And suddenly I'm feeling a lot better. Thanks again, blog.

Yours,

Emily