Nothing in the world I hate more.

Adderal is out of my system now, and I feel like my regular, miserable self again.

It was nice to feel normal for a couple days, though during one of the days I made a huge mistake and now I'm kicking myself over it. But regret is pointless. As the thought of it continually harasses me and buzzes around in my head, I feel that there isn't much that can make me feel lower at this point.

Fortunately, my dad is going to show me how to list things on Ebay this weekend so I'll be making some money at least and will have something to fill my time. Today I had a migrane and slept, a LOT. Couldn't find the motivation to do anything. I had a doctors appointment and explained my circumstances with the help of my mom, and she gave me a survey to fill out. She's going to grade the survey and hopefully I'll have my prescription for Adderal by Friday. I hate that I'm potentially going to be diagnosed with another mental disability.

But then I got to thinking, perhaps ADHD is a huge contributor to my self esteem itself. I am never satisfied with anything I do, which is a symptom of ADHD. Then the fact that my mind always seems cluttered by useless, irreverent bullshit that either makes me feel down on myself or humiliated. This is what I'm feeling now, and writing about it might make things a bit better.

My aunt Ellen made me feel a lot better about this with a comment that she recently made to me on an entry I made last week.

"I absolutely wouldn't want to go through being your age again for any amount of money. It's not an easy time. Depression makes it much harder. I speak from experience. It will get better. Really. That's not me just trying to say something nice. It really will get better."

She wrote a lot more but this immediately made me feel better tonight. Though it's not anything different then say, my mom has said, she has actually been through what I'm going through. People that have never been through depression do not understand how difficult it is to overcome. Things ARE turning around though. I've decided this, and I think that is the first step-- to DECIDE that things are going to get better.

Because the way that I look at it, this is MY life, and what matters is ME because that is all that matters in the end. I should stop obsessing on things that have happened before because more then likely I am the only one that remembers them, as they play over and over in my head like a broken record.  I'm not saying that I need to be vain, but I need to feel content with what I have and what is happening currently in my life instead of dwelling on the past or worrying TOO much about the future. Because it seems like at every stage of my life so far, I've been miserable and telling myself that things will get better at other times.. In middle school I always told myself things would get better in highschool, and they did, but I was still unhappy. Then I said college would be better, and now at CBC things ARE MUCH better than highschool. So why am I still feeling this monthly depression?

This is why I take medication.

Because really, taking a look at my background and my past, this is never going to get any better without help. I have a chemical imbalance. It's a disease. I'm sitting here, ranting to this blog again. Rantrantrant. Fuck. I am so tired of this. 

My sister is being a whiny little shit about her car, or lack of one. Whah whah Emily got a car before she got her license, oh whah I have to save money! Whah I have a bunch of cute guys that are constantly coming over and telling me how great I am, whah! Whahhhh I have a ton of friends and I'm popular, whah!

She has a job that she lucked out in getting because my mom handed it to her. So she has to save for her first car, and so she's bitching to my parents about it continually and making everyone on eggshells. Because of this, my mom has been letting Avery use my van and she's been using my car, which means I'm stuck in my house until one of them gets home. Sometimes my mom doesn't get home until 6', and my sister is always going someplace too. Now my DAD wants to take my car tomorrow. 

Shit my mom needs the computer...

yours,

Emily