Eating fast, some anxiety with food.

Last night Brendan drove over... for the THIRD time this break, ha ha we can't seem to stay away from eachother for that long. No word from him yet this morning, he's probably just doing chores or hanging out with his brother or something.

We're going to see eachother in a few days on New Years eve. I'm really happy to start my year with him. I'm wearing the socks he got me right now. I've got some laundry to do and if Sam gets ahold of me I'm going to go into Richland to make a deposit then hang out with her. I texted her earlier but haven't gotten a response yet.

Brendan and I went into town to do a couple returns and we went out to a late lunch at Stone soup. I accidentally ordered a turkey sandwich even if I've been eating turkey for the past few days. I was craving vegetables more than anything but couldn't think of what meat I wanted so just got turkey. It was good though, I really like Stone soup. I got their delicious enchilada soup with the crushed chips on top, too. I ate too fast... Brendan makes me realize this because he eats his food at a really slow, controlled pace. I'm envious...

I think the main reason that I eat fast is because I don't enjoy most food that much. A lot of food I eat very quickly because I'm afraid that if I slow down and really taste what I'm eating I won't want to keep eating it and I won't get the nutrients that I need. Not enjoying food started when I was working at Rite Aid, taking two Bronkaid a day and barely felt like I needed food at all. Now I only take a half Bronkaid every couple days when I feel I need it and it doesn't seem to have a dramatic effect on my eating habits.

I think I will start purchasing cookbooks or cooking magazines to get more inspiration and recipes.. A lot of the food I cook for myself is more about substance and nutrients to feel full and not get sick. 

I think my fast eating cause a lot of my chest pains too. I've still been dealing with that. I'm going to buy some tums and antacids and hopefully that will absolve the problem and I won't have to see the doctor again. Brendan told me one free doctor visit is part of my tuition so I'm going to take advantage of that if these chest pains don't go away.

Brendan told me my personality is like a tornado. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I think my eyes make my emotions very obvious.

I want more than anything to just believe there's nothing wrong with me. That I have nothing to worry about... We live in this country of fear and I try to live my life as happily and safely as possible. I feel like God and my ancestors gave me this incredible gift of intelligence, beauty and musical talent. I feel so lucky yet I often go through fear and anxiety that there's something wrong with my health and everything will be pulled out from under me. In the new year I want to improve this.

peace.