My emotions in a blender.

Posted a status today saying "So happy and excited today. Can't believe this is actually happening. <3"

It's not a lie, I am happy and excited. The heart is a little misleading though. I'm just stoked as Hell that I've actually gotten skilled enough at the guitar to play the Master of Puppets solo.. or at least I'm working on it-- it's definitely achievable.

Haven't heard from Jack in a week and I think it's time to call it quits again. I don't really know what fuck he's up too but he certainly doesn't care to talk to me so whatever. My mom actually had the nerve to suggest adding him on facebook last night... again!! Immediately I'm like NO. Why the fuck would I add him right now? Another day of loneliness and wondering what the Fuck, another day of the nasty feeling in my stomach and feeling my face cringe when he crosses my mind. I hate him for this shit he puts me through, this waiting game is stress and sadness that I don't need, and it never ends.

Work today was... work. Nothing really worth mentioning. Leslie and Linda were my managers today and we got a lot of stuff done, no catty bitchiness to deal with so that's good.

Took the status down. No use misleading people, what's the point. There's no need to post any status today; I usually write one a day but there's nothing clever on my mind. It's simply a depressing day. I took Bronkaid so I feel very awake and emotionally numb. I feel very humiliated for some reason. I don't know why. . . I just need to stop thinking so much about things.

Such a mix of emotions--  with the stress from work and the god damn loneliness yet happy because I'm doing well at guitar. I don't even know what to do with myself lately. At least I look nice, Witch hazel has worked wonders on the remaining acne scarring that I had on my skin. I think the acne has finally ceased, I might not even have to get another bottle of Differin for awhile.

peace/ 

Work to pay for these kid's fieldtrips.

I helped pick some cherries today. Figured I could use the money. I picked 9 buckets full of almost perfect Rainiers and earned $50. Unfortunately this money is going to slip right out of my hands more than likely because my Mom has to drive up to Bellingham to get these f*cking kids. You think my mom will be able to pay me back? Nope. I'm so done. The only, ONLY reason she'll be able to get that money out of me is because she will blame the fact that she has to go up to Bellingham on me because the only reason she took this project is because she thought I'd be going there.

I have no idea how she thinks she can go to California right now... We're having such a hard time as it is without the orchard to that used to get us a few grand each summer just for whatever we chose to do with it. Cherry harvest used to be sort of our summer blow money, but without that there hasn't been any room for trips in years. The last time I went to California was... I'm pretty sure the summer before my senior year. That's a long time, I feel like I have to go down there because it's going to be my Great Grandma's 90th birthday. I actually remember when she turned 80 when I was ten years old and my Grandma Marty picked up the horrendously ugly purple Mexican cake, love it.

So much of this is all my Dad's stupid family's fault... if they hadn't of kicked my Dad off the farm for no other reason besides greed we wouldn't be having as many problems now. Granted this season still would have sucked, but my Dad has helped steer through horrible seasons before. It's just the nature of the business, you're going to have bad years and lose money, but my Dad always somehow found a way to make money even on the shittiest seasons. He'd sell some of the smaller cherries to the Mormon ladies that can them, they'd buy the boxes for only $10 or so, but that was $10 that would have just sat on the ground rotting away.

It's that kind of mentality that I try to have with business... something really is better than nothing, and sometimes you have to work hard even if the reward isn't great because getting a little money for some work is better than no money at all. I worked so hard this morning, my back hurts and my brain feels so zapped from the sun.

I'll probably just sit and play guitar the rest of the day. Not much else to do, I've got work the next couple days. I've been so lonely lately, haven't even told my mom that my cell phone is going to turn off again because I pretty much just use it for music and getting ahold of Sam and Katelynn anymore. I can always get ahold of both of them on facebook, there's no reason to turn my phone back on.

No word from Jack in like, four days. We've barely talked at all. I'm in such a hard limbo right now because unless I find someone better than Jack I can't seem to get over him. My heart still somehow holds onto something, even if I know logically that I shouldn't think that with our history. My head is what drives me every day, and I have been able to get passed my heart and tell him to fuck off, time and time again, yet he seems to always get my forgiveness when he randomly pops up out of nowhere and tells me all the reasons I'm wrong in being mad at him.

I think I have every right to be frustrated with him, that's for damn sure. Mainly out of the humiliation that I feel that I still have feelings for him at all when I talk to Samantha, Katharine or Katelynn about it. Periodically I'll talk about it with them, if ever at all, more so with Samantha than the others. By now, though, Katelynn always just gives me some version of, "So... when are you going to tell him to fuck off?" And Katharine tells me to just ignore whenever he texts if he tries. It's not that fucking simple. Samantha just sort of takes it and accepts the fact that I have a problem. Sometimes you just need that person instead of hearing the truth, because I know what the truth is. That I'm extremely alone, and waiting for some moron to fall back on me.

It's sort of sad that I'm this attractive and talented, yet so alone, isolated and sad inside by my lack of companionship.

Don't get me wrong, I have guys that go after me a lot, but I'm so whipped emotionally because I've never actually loved anyone that the only way I can finally get away from him is if:

A. He finally just says, Emily, I don't like you, I've never REALLY liked you, and this whole thing has just been a headgame because I got lonely and you were convenient enough to talk to for awhile while I was looking for someone else.
Granted, he's not going to actually say this, he'd more say a lie such as: Emily, you're cool and everything and I like you as a person but you're to forward and it's intimidating to me so BYE! Sorry for leading you on for a year! Seriously, no hard feelings.
I'd be perfectly fine with this. 


B. I meet someone else. Realize Jack really isn't that great because I happen to find someone else I can relate to on that level and talk to for 3 hour increments and laugh at the dumbest shit that probably makes no sense to most people.
Yeah, good luck. Certainly not happening in the tri cities. I've accepted that fact that I will almost definitely be alone for the next few months.. July, August, most of September... alone alone alone.

And that's it. That's why this situation pains me so much because I can't really escape it. I AM patient, I've held out for a long time.. And God, if this is part of your grand plan for me you sure as Hell better make it worth my wait because this is bullcrap. Spontaneous fate has a way of showing itself when you least expect it, but it's hard to "least expect" things when you're so depressed about being alone that you find yourself waiting for something to happen. 20 + hours a week of guitar and lessons with Jacob has been huge savior for me. It's almost like therapy because I've gotten more self confidence, but there's still a part of me that's always dead.

I just can't think about it... without this blog I'd have to rant to my friends about this so what can I do.

peace.

Working out feels pretty good, it's a nice way to finish off the day. I'm planning to go to bed here pretty soon, there's nothing else to do today.

Lessons went well, that was the end of week 11. It's hard to believe, it doesn't seem that long ago that I started getting lessons from him but it's already been eleven weeks. This week I'm going to be really focusing in on "To Tame a Land." He told me to break away from picking exercises and stuff like that for the most part and really work on the piece as well as technical exercises-- vibratos and hammer-ons/pull offs. I'm actually getting the hang of those now so that they sound much cleaner. This is going to be a good week. At the end of Week 12 my goal is to have something up on my youtube page. I want to feel ready enough with To Tame a Land, even if it's just the first couple minutes of it.

________________________________

Tomorrow I have work. Work sucks but I've got my job down to a science so it doesn't bother me anymore. I go, get stuff done, clock out. I don't want any catty, bitchy drama or any of them getting into my personal business. Nor do I want to go to this bowling party thing they are trying to coordinate. I really don't want to be a part of job merriment (hahaha). They're adults, I'm 20... that's so awkward.

In the break room I'll usually sit there with my shred neck and practicing picking exercises. This makes me feel more productive as well as meditative. Traci will sit there and laugh out loud really hysterically and I'll try and keep my head down. She's sitting over there reading a book and suddenly bursts out, "BAH HAHAHA." I'm like, "....gulp." tickticktick-tickticktick,  tickticktick-tickticktick. That shredneck doesn't make any actual noise, it's just a warmup device. It really does the job but I need to install some new strings on it because it sort of hurts my fingers using it. 


Wow, hard to believe June is coming to a close already. I barely even feel like it's summer, with the weather we've been having it feels more like a warm April. There's been these random storms that keep popping up out of nowhere. 


This routine is getting pretty mundane. It sort of reminds me of middle school summers again, but instead of on Neopets or Gaiaonline I'm practicing my instrument. Still, same concept. It's summer, people are out doing stuff, I'm in my room in front of a computer screen. 


Nothing more to say. I hope to hang out with Samantha one of these days. I'm happy because I'm getting paid so I'll finally have a little money in my account to go have some fun without stress. I'm sad that I missed the renaissance fair. Actually, I missed a lot of summer things that I normally check out. Having these expenses at the beginning of summer for me sort of hit me like that. Luckily, I'll be going to California soon and getting that time out of here is WAAAAY past due.

Also, did I mention that I'm going to LA? I am going to make a point to visit Katharine when we go to California, maybe it'll be on the way out, I don't know.. I'd really like a chance to see the city with her. I hope I won't be exhausted as Hell by then.


peace. 

気を紛らします

I feel stupid. Fried. Kind of tired.. Even if last night I got a ton of sleep I feel like there's not much to look forward too. I'm not depressed, though. I've got a couple hours out of the way and it's 2:30 PM.

I ate some stirfry with chicken, teriyaki sauce, powdered ginger and crushed peanuts, all served on top of rice. Of course add a ton of rooster sauce to that too, mmm! Gives me heartburn though, unfortunately.

I still fear getting carpel tunnel from playing this much. Three hours a day is pretty strenuous, and I get stressed out that I'll potentially give myself medical problems on my hand and I'll have to stop playing for a month. For that reason, I've really been making an effort to loosen the tension of my left hand on the fret board. Maybe I'll get some tiger balm or something. I'd REALLY like a massage. . . well, not on my arms necessarily but just a massage in general would be fantastic. お金を持っていません。(D'oh!)

I really should write some Japanese today. Maybe on my ameblo or something. Or maybe just on here. Why the Hell not.

今、夏です。天気が暑くない。私は部屋の中です。ギーターを引きました。気を紛らします。私はその人と話すと落ち込むになる。


I still plan to practice Japanese from time to time if I can. It would be a waste to get this far and completely forget about it. Maybe I'll even go on livemocha today!

5:10 pm:

Good lord this has been a long day. I just got done working out, still got about an hour of playing left to do.. I got a bunch of school stuff taken care of too. Today's been a pretty productive day overall. I'm feeling content for the most part, everything is fine. Feeling a little bit lonely but that's to be expected. Coming to the end of 1 year 6 months, onto 7 months now! One year, seven month anniversary of being emotionally alone (it might even be more because I can't even really count Indy, he's such a creep). Seven months now of not giving a shit, but having to sort of deal with it anyway. 

I've been wondering a lot what's going to happen in the next couple months. I practically hated myself last summer; I mean between hanging out with Leah and her weird posse, dealing with Guy Stevens and literally puking my brains out, scaring the Hell out of my parents when they saw me hanging around that Tyler kid in some meth house... I have no idea what I was thinking. I so badly just seemed to want people to hang around with, regardless of my choices not always being the best. There really wasn't anybody last summer. 

This summer is much better already. I don't have anything sketchy happening because I've weeded through some of the people that I was spending time with to just people that I can trust and care about me. Katelynn,  Alan, Samantha, Shawn, the members of House... those are pretty much the only people I hang out with lately. I work on the weekends, that's more than I could say last summer when I had no job at all. I'm not taking any classes at CBC and don't have to run back and forth to Pasco every day. Yes, things've improved quite a bit. 

This summer is probably going to be a lot lonelier, though. There's no way I'm going to suddenly drop these standards that I've created for myself... but with Connor once again out the picture (he was the only one with one foot in that aspect of my life) I'm going to have to be extremely, extremely patient. 

peace. 

Human Resource Management information

That's all I really need to know about planning my major. I can do this. I'm not a genius but I can adapt and understand anything if I focus hard enough. Some of this stuff is going to be really dry but once I get out of it there will hopefully be a decent job market for me to choose from.

Because if I get this degree, I will be able to do the following job:

The Human Resources Manager guides and manages the overall provision of Human Resources services, policies, and programs for a company within a small to mid-sized company, or a portion of the Human Resources function within a large company. The major areas the Human Resources manager manages can include:

• recruiting and staffing;
• organizational departmental planning;
• performance management and improvement systems;
• organization development;
• employment and compliance to regulatory concerns regarding employees;
• employee onboarding, development, needs assessment, and training;
• policy development and documentation;
• employee relations;

Dealing with people's NEEDS. Recruiting. This all sounds like fun to me, which is much more than most careers can say. 

Some "Homework" for the summer. Plans. Pt 1 Preadmission coursework

Here's a list of courses that I would have to get in order to get my Business Administration degree at Central.

At the time of application to the Business Administration major, the pre-admission coursework or their equivalents must be complete. A cumulative GPA of 2.5 in the pre-admission requirements must be achieved with a minimum grade of “C-” (1.7) in each course, along with a minimum cumulative GPA of 2.50 in all collegiate study.

Students who have met all of the admission requirements will be admitted unless the number of applicants exceeds available space. In that case, acceptance will be competitive, based on a selection index.

Well that's easy enough. 2.5 is a pretty low GPA in my opinion. Actually, I'm going to check my GPA from CBC right now and tell you how that went. 

MON, JUN 25, 2012            COLUMBIA BASIN COLLEGE                             
                         UNOFFICIAL STUDENT TRANSCRIPT                          
WILSON EMILY E                                                                  
                                                      
                                                                                
 TERM     COURSE ID         -------- TITLE --------       GRADE      CREDITS    
          ========================================                              
          A COURSE WITH "&" IS COMMON AMONG                                     
          WASHINGTON STATE COMM & TECH COLLEGES                                 
          WITH THE SAME COURSE.                                                 
          ========================================                              
 FAL09    ENGL& 101         ENGLISH COMPOSITION I          3.6          5.0     
          PE    1271        FITNESS CENTER I               4.0          1.0     
          PSYC& 100         GENERAL PSYCHOLOGY             3.7          5.0     
          WKSP  090         FIRST YEAR INTRODUCTION         P           0.0     
                                                                                
 Qtrly:     Gpa Cr  11.0  Cr Earn  11.0  P/S Cr   0.0  Grpts   40.5  GPA 3.68   
                                                                                
 WIN10    ENGL& 111         INTRO TO LITERATURE            2.5          5.0     
          ENVS& 101         INTRO TO ENV SCI W/LAB         3.9          5.0     
          MUSC& 105         MUSIC APPRECIATION             4.0          5.0     
                                                                                
 Qtrly:     Gpa Cr  15.0  Cr Earn  15.0  P/S Cr   0.0  Grpts   52.0  GPA 3.47   
                                                                                
 SPR10    CMST  101         SPEECH ESSENTIALS              3.2          3.0     
          ICS   130         SURVEY ASIAN AMER CULTUR       3.2          5.0     
          NUTR& 101         NUTRITION                      3.7          5.0     
                                                                                
 Qtrly:     Gpa Cr  13.0  Cr Earn  13.0  P/S Cr   0.0  Grpts   44.1  GPA 3.39   
                                                                                
 FAL10    ANTH& 100         SURVEY OF ANTHROPOLOGY         3.2          5.0     
          JAPN& 121         JAPANESE I                     4.0          5.0     
          PE    1281        FITNESS CENTER II              4.0          2.0     
          SOC&  101         INTRO TO SOCIOLOGY             3.3          5.0     
                                                                                
 Qtrly:     Gpa Cr  17.0  Cr Earn  17.0  P/S Cr   0.0  Grpts   60.5  GPA 3.56   
                                                                                
 WIN11    ENGL& 235         TECHNICAL WRITING              3.9          5.0     
          JAPN& 122         JAPANESE II                    4.0          5.0     
          PHIL  121         SYMBOLIC LOGIC                  W           5.0     
                                                                                
 Qtrly:     Gpa Cr  10.0  Cr Earn  10.0  P/S Cr   0.0  Grpts   39.5  GPA 3.95   
                                                                                
 SPR11    HE    220         DRUGS AND HEALTH               4.0          3.0     
          JAPN& 123         JAPANESE III                   4.0          5.0     
          MATH  096         ALGEBRA REVIEW 1               3.6          5.0     
          PE    1481        JOGGING I                      4.0          2.0     
                                                                                
 Qtrly:     Gpa Cr  10.0  Cr Earn  10.0  P/S Cr   0.0  Grpts   40.0  GPA 4.00   
                                                                                
 SUM11    BIOL& 100         SURVEY OF BIOLOGY W/LAB        4.0          5.0     
          MATH  097         ALGEBRA REVIEW 2               2.8          5.0     
                                                                                
 Qtrly:     Gpa Cr   5.0  Cr Earn   5.0  P/S Cr   0.0  Grpts   20.0  GPA 4.00   
                                                                                
 FAL11    JAPN& 221         JAPANESE IV                    4.0          5.0     
          MATH  098         ALGEBRA REVIEW 3               3.2          5.0     
                                                                                
 Qtrly:     Gpa Cr   5.0  Cr Earn   5.0  P/S Cr   0.0  Grpts   20.0  GPA 4.00   
                                                                                
 WIN12    ACCT& 201         PRINCIPLES OF ACCOUNT I        3.6          5.0     
          CS    102         VISUAL BASIC 1                 3.6          5.0     
          JAPN& 222         JAPANESE V                     4.0          5.0     
                                                                                
 Qtrly:     Gpa Cr  15.0  Cr Earn  15.0  P/S Cr   0.0  Grpts   56.0  GPA 3.73   
                                                                                
 SPR12    JAPN& 223         JAPANESE VI                    4.0          5.0     
                                                                                
 Qtrly:     Gpa Cr   5.0  Cr Earn   5.0  P/S Cr   0.0  Grpts   20.0  GPA 4.00   
                                                                                
 Cum:       Gpa Cr 121.0  Cr Earn 121.0  P/S Cr   0.0  Grpts  440.6  GPA 3.64   
 Clvl:      Gpa Cr 106.0  Cr Earn 106.0  P/S Cr   0.0  Grpts  392.6  GPA 3.70   

That is my transcript from CBC. I'm so thrilled because I got a 3.7 cumulative, that was my goal! F*ck yeah I'm super excited!! Of course 4.0 in Japanese VI, this is great!! Well on my way. 

_____________________________________________________

Preadmission Coursework
Credits

ACCT 251 Financial Accounting
5
ACCT 252 Managerial Accounting (may require two courses to meet equivalent)
5
BUS 221 Introductory Business Statistics
5
BUS 241 Legal Environment of Business
5
ECON 201 Principles of Economics Micro
5
ECON 202 Principles of Economics Macro
5
MATH 130 Finite Mathematics (or other college level math course approved by the accounting department chair)
5
MATH 153,154,170,172,or 173
5


I don't think I've taken any of this, but I'm sure I've taken the prerequisites 

to fulfill getting into these classes themselves. I know these classes don't look very fun at all. Actually, they frighten the living shit out of me. This is 
going to be a huge challenge but I know I can do it if I really work at it. 

The power of manipulation.

I'm not saying hippies are dangerous, but I just watched the greatest Helter Skelter documentary EVER on Netflix and I'm now much happier that I won't be moving into *that* environment. A place with a high concentration of neo-hippies, that is.

The title is "Six Degrees of Helter Skelter," which I thought I'd seen before. It's a very well made, non-discriminant toward either side crime documentary. The director and narrator named Michael Dorsey covered a play by play of exactly what happened on the night of the horrendous Sharon Tate murder as well as the LaBianca murders. He took us to the many locations of the events that took place that night, whether they're still in tact today as they were in the late 60's or otherwise. I feel like even if I knew a lot about these cases, I didn't actually get the truth sans the glamorization until watching this documentary.

Because honestly, even if Helter Skelter the book they barely describe the interactions between the residents of the Tate house the night of the murders, such as the important detail that there was no party at the Tate residence that night. Actually, Sharon had wanted to go home because she was so cranky that night and wanted everyone to leave. Sebring was talking to her in the back room near their fireplace when the commotion had started. Such a good documentary, I'd highly recommend watching it if you get a chance.

The case is so infamous and fascinating to me because it marks the end of the hippie movement. Living free and the innocence behind it was dead because of some streetwise, manipulative criminal that had been in jail most of his life before coming out into the Height Ashbury district. The setting was set perfectly for Manson, who wasn't really a hippie himself but did have access to drugs and minor Hollywood connections. He wasn't a very good musician, but the drugs he gave these kids made them fall for his ideology.

I can't help but think more about their lives at Spahn ranch before the murders. Before Manson had the teens completely under his spell and convinced of the impending "race war," I'm sure they had to of had a great time. Patricia Kremwinkel actually explained in one of her interviews that Charlie had let them live in this fantasy world, more or less, at the ranch. They would pretend and "Escape time," because Manson taught them that time was invented by man and they had to escape it to be free.

At the beginning they were living on Spahn Ranch playing pirates, running around on drugs and spending time down by the creeks at night. I will not lie and say that doesn't sound like fun and I think many young adults, even today, would take up an opportunity to experience this. Insecure young people that don't know where they are going in life are probably the most easily manipulated people I can think of. They wanted to stand for something, not work like their boring parents, be free. It's all very understandable. So I don't like how in the mainstream media the Manson children are oftentimes portrayed as this psycho cult from the get-go. It really wasn't. 

These kids were experiencing a sense of self from Charlie. They knew that without Charlie this lifestyle would end and they didn't want to go back to their boring lives with their parents. The recipe for manipulation is to have one person that gives another person something they want, which in this case for the kids was acceptance and a "Family." Because Manson was the leader of this, they were willing to do whatever they had to do to continue living this lifestyle and follow this ideology, even if it meant killing many innocent people. 

I feel the power of manipulation comes from emotional intelligence. Though I don't consider myself a manipulative person per se, I am not easily manipulated myself because I understand how it works. If someone has something that you want or if a person has something they could take away from you at any second, they have power to manipulate you. The more this manipulator gives to it's subjects, the more the subject becomes likely to do what the dictator tells him or her to do. To understand this really is the best way  to be freed from most manipulators in your life, and it's unfortunate that because this exists it's almost certain that some sketchy soul like Charles Manson will again rise to the surface and dictate a bunch of young people for their benefit. 

That's all I really have to talk about. It's 2:00 PM, had to pick up my Mom from Enterprise car rental and I've already practiced for two hours. I might be seeing Koty Cline today and we're going to jam for awhiile. He could be a lot better than me, I have no idea, but I now feel I can hold my own enough to not make an ass of myself. Who knows if he'll be able too actually do it though. I could use a friend over, I'm a little bored. I'm probably going to mess with guitar pro for the next hour (or until Koty texts). If he doesn't text I'll play the Sims. No, maybe I'll play the sims first to give my hand a rest. I might even make a knock off hippie family. 

My mind is interesting.

peace.