king of the beards

LMFAO, yes! Well this completely made my day.

Went to the library and met the Central Beards club today. I actually think this was there first meeting, but just look at that awesome turnout!! Though I can't say I'll be joining but I still think this is an awesome form of self expression.

Because men take a lot of freakin' pride in their beards. Ha ha if any of you have seen the documentary Mansome you'd know the amount of time and proper care to grow one of these mammoth beards. They actually have worldwide beard competitions in Germany, too.

There's a new coffee place in Richland with a beard them too. I guess it's just big nowdays. So big there's a  large enough margin of people at Central to start a club (...But there's no guitar club..? ha ha ha)

You just never know what you're going to find around here. I just great how in college people can express themselves any way they want too in some respect. It really gives you a chance to reinvent yourself from what your environment growing up at home gave you.

Anyway, aside from beards...

Today's been pretty good, I got my powerpoint and outline done for tomorrow so that's not hanging over my head anymore. I still have the notecards to do but that didn't take long. I skipped economics today because I felt like sleeping in and went straight to stats. Terry skipped today. The material was really challenging in statistics today and this concept is hard as hell to wrap your head around.

I'm just going to continue to practice it each day and finish this quarter out strong. Usually it's about this point that has me so burnt out on school that I can barely focus anymore but the fact that I'm leaving soon has given me more inspiration. 

I'm starting to get a very positive outlook at my first year at Central overall, I've really learned a lot about myself here.I didn't do hardly any partying or anything outrageous but that's because I never felt much of a need too. I feel almost perfectly content with where things are going right now, and have accepted that I'm moving back this summer. 

One lose end is that Jack and I haven't talked in over a week so I finally sent him a text today like what is your deal, are you blowing me off again? Well I guess if I don't get a response there's my answer. I just don't f&^%ing get it with men. I mean clearly Jack has limited time but having zero communication for over a week just makes me think he's interested in some other girl. If that happens seriously you guys I've had it. I'm just so tired of wondering what his deal is with me and he's never given me a straight forward answer about this in my life.

I sent him a text confronting him about it, like dude just tell me straight up, are you blowing me off right now?  Ugh it's so fucking embarrising and frustrating to ask him this because he was the one that initially contacted me, AGAIN. Now I'M put in this awkward position of having to ask him. 

I swear I've lost all feeling toward people. Not to say I'm a sociopath by any means, I mean I'm extremely compassionate  but I mean like the feeling of having a "Crush" or hoping something comes from a situation with someone. I've just learned to accept that there's nothing I can do about any of it and just have to let God take care of it.

I just want respect. That's all I care about. If I'm respected I'm good, if you're not clear with me and act like you're just pulling my leg for your own ego trip then I want nothing to do with you.

peace.

Some tough news.

Hey guys,

I've got some news. Last night it became apparent to me that taking classes here this summer just isn't happening. I initially had thought out this whole scenario of how nice it will be here spending the summer working, taking a class and getting to continue this independence but it's not the right choice.

Last night Terry and I hung out around 10:00 pm. Note that we had initially made plans to study together at 7 pm but then he told me he had to work on a philosophy paper and that we should "tomorrow." At this point I had put on my makeup so I'm like "Wow, lame.." and sort of bitched about it. He ended up coming over after he finished the paper and we hung out in my room.

It was so awkward. I don't know if it was just the fact that my brain was fried after the kind of emotionally draining weekend of him flaking on me but I couldn't make conversation for shit last night. There were a lot of awkward pauses, I felt nervous and unsure about the situation. It's just hard for me to communicate with him because he's not easy to read and sometimes he doesn't even give responses to what you say. So you're just kind of sitting there like... uh, okay then...

I cried last night, for the first time in awhile I just broke down. I had somehow built it up in my head like this summer was going to be different than any summer I'd ever had.
That I'd be able to simultaneously:
-take a class to get ahead of my degree,
-stay out of my parents house
-Work full time
(...AND get to spend the time with either Jack or Terry that I've wanted outside of school.. depending on which one of them actually gets in contact with me after school ends.. which could have been neither!)

Because with Jack not talking to me at all anymore and it getting more and more clear that Terry and my personalities don't mesh like I'd wanted them too... It's just too painful, I have to get out of here. Obviously I still have feelings for Jack, and it's just been this merry-go-round for the past four years of trying to make things work with other guys but it always comes back to this.

And now I'm moving back to the tri cities because I need to save money and take a break from school before next year. Seriously you guys my classes are going to be crazy next year, 15 credits of finance, marketing and economics per quarter-- that's BUSINESS CONCEPTS AND MATH-MATH-MATH. I can't help feeling sort of intimidated by it which is why I pray to just have the energy to work hard each day to improve my mind to brace myself.

It means making sacrifices. Living in Ellensburg this summer would be very costly, and there's not very many people that live around campus so it's VERY dead. Hell, campus isn't necessarily the most lively place during the fall, either, like when I showed up here this last September a week early I remember how weird it felt.

Granted I would be working, so I wouldn't feel the amount of desolation. But I would be under a lot more stress. I've never actually done a waitress job before, which would require me to probably work nights and have to sacrifice a lot of my guitar and "me" time.

I remember how consistent and easy my schedule was at rite aid. That job didn't stress me out at all, my coworkers respected me and there's a new manager there that seems like a real nice guy. I don't mind getting my job back at Rite aid at all this summer, it'll be fun. Just need to figure out who I'm gonna kick it with now that Katelynn's out of my life.

This is the girl I plan on kidnapping a lot this summer. 

 I'm totally fine with her bringing her son around if we go out somewhere, that wouldn't bother me at all I'm so used to kids. She's just so cool and seems like a person I would want to be good friends with. I want to support her when she needs it, have someone to go places with to just chill around the tri cities and do whatever the hell we want like me and Katelynn used to do. Arwen is a lot like Katelynn, she's f*&^ing real. 

...A lot of these girls around here are annoying as Hell, why do girls lose their maturity in their 20's when guys start growing up? This makes no sense to me! 

And I also plan on seeing Sam of course and I'm sure I'll have some coffee dates and movie nights with Josie too. 

OH!!! And guitar lessons IN PERSON with Jacob again!!! YAAAAAY!!!! 

Hell yea I'm gonna practice soo hard this summer.. No school means MORE GUITAR.

My mom and I talked on the phone this morning and it was surprisingly easy for her at this point to convince me that no, I shouldn't be financially independent this summer, and yes, I should come home when the quarter's over. 

But now I'm happy because I'm starting to think that things are going to be fine, like there are so many GOOD things about the tri cities that I don't have in ellensburg. Like places to shop, most of my friends are there, etc etc... 

One thing that Jacob did tell me when I told him I was stressed about whether or not I was moving back is that "It'll be fine, you'll keep busy." Couldn't have said it better myself. 

peace.

This weekend gave me a lot of time to think...

Morning.

I finally broke the question to Kristin about whether she's staying or going this summer. She's moving out on the 8th, which means I have less than a month to find a new roommate and a job. I plan to continue my search this week. I haven't gotten one call back yet which is discouraging but I'm going to keep trying. I really want to take that class this summer..

This week I also have to give that persuasive speech. I think I'll put together that presentation today, shouldn't take too long and putting it behind me now will save a lot of stress later. This weekend has been pretty boring but fine. My brain feels pretty rested for the upcoming week.

So today will be a good day if I do the following:

- Practice at least hour of guitar

- Read + Note take stats chapter 14 (think it's my third time going through this, apparently this is very important...)

- Read 1st half of Money and Banking chapter for econ...

- Create presentation on Meditation for Speech

And of course eat good food, try not to stress out, not spend all day scrolling through facebook, etc etc.. If I get started early I have plenty of time to get all this done.

Last night I was able to get into a really deep state of meditation to the point that my limbs felt completely gone, it was so cool. Meditation has allowed me to start sleeping on my back instead of my side which I have read is better for your skin.

Initially I was pretty stoked when Jack and I were spending time together again but not talking for an entire week has sort of killed it. Jack told me that he hates texting.. Okay, well, if you hate texting it would be nice if you would at least offer to grab coffee or something throughout the week if he was actually interested in me. It's like shit, don't do me any favors buddy.

Terry on the other hand has been texting me quite a bit since he asked for my number on Tuesday. He asked what I was doing this weekend on Friday and suggested we hang out which was different for him. He's usually not that forward in person. We texted each other on Friday but I think he's been out partying this weekend. I'm hoping we get a chance to study together either this evening or tomorrow. Or who knows, actually hang out...

We'll see.

peace.

Born without a chance

To be honest I feel as though I'd rather not be here right now, and I hope that by the end of writing this blog I can be more relaxed to enjoy the rest of my night.

I am wide awake. I took a Bronkaid earlier after having little motivation to do anything after being out in the sun for a little while. A met up with a Japanese exchanged student Masaya and a group of his friends and played frisbee in the park for a little while pretty shortly after Evan hit the road this morning. I am freaking horrible at frisbee you guys, it was embarrassing. But it was still fun being out in that courtyard out by the music building. There were a bunch of guys playing football out there that I noticed were sort of eyeballing me when I was walking across the field to hang out with a bunch of Japanese people, it was kind of funny.

But yeah since then I haven't been up to anything really. I've been picking stuff up around here, did the laundry, played guitar for a little over an hour (and I'll probably play again here shortly) and talked to my Mom on the phone for about 45 minutes. It was a good conversation, of course. We're always just talking about what's been going on with these guys that kind of come in and out of my life, my classes, etc etc... I can talk to her about anything and I'm so lucky for that.

I sometimes think when I'm sad and alone how hard it must be for people that have never had their parent's support.

Austin, age 23, "When Austin’s stepfather died from alcoholism, he turned to alcohol himself to numb the pain. His girlfriend is now pregnant, and he’s doing as much partying as he can before his child is born. Austin needs an intervention to become a sober dad and break his family’s cycle of alcoholism."

http://interventiondirectory.wordpress.com/post-intervention-deaths/

I've been watching and downloading a lot of intervention that has leaked onto Youtube lately, and this is one episode that stood out out to me. Turns out the A&E actually has a directory of people that have died after intervention, and when I read that Austin was on there it made me a little sad because in his situation he really didn't have a chance. His Dad left his Mom when he was 2 and refused to be in any part of his life until he was in college. His biological father actually had the nerve to give him $12,000 to help pay for his living expenses but still couldn't wouldn't give him the satisfaction of building a real relationship with his son. For him it was like getting rejected all over again..

Shortly after he dropped out of college, got a girl pregnant, and continued to drink and party himself to death. Clearly he turned to heroin in the end, and you can just see how he was trying to mask all the pain and rejection in his life. 

Watching people's stories on Intervention always helps me better understand why people behave the way they do which has always fascinated me. Like we're all people trying to make it in this world but some of us are born in such worse circumstances than others and moving forward for some is nearly impossible. I miss when Netflix had the rights to air this show but now I've just been waiting for more episodes to be temporarily uploaded on youtube so I can put them on my computer. 

That's really all I have to say about today. Nothing's really been up. I'm feeling a little better now that I've admitted that to my blog. What can you do, right? 

peace. 

1:08 pm:

Today's been pretty fun, good day so far. Barely anyone was in Econ this morning. Terry and the crazy lady skipped. There are some people that never skip, like Nathaniel. I forgot his last name again. But I did add this guy from my statistics class that I've wanted to meet for weeks.

His name is Kieran and he's like the funniest, friendliest, coolest guy. I can't even explain it, his personality is extremely magnetic. You can just tell he'd be a person a lot of people would want at their parties.. He's pretty intelligent and has helped me with a couple lab assignments. 

Initially he reminded me of someone that would be on TV so I caught myself literally staring at him in class because I wanted to figure out what actor he reminded me of. When I  added him today I realized he'd done it himself:

Anyway yeah I managed to sit by him in lab today. He's also friends with the girl with the cross hands ring as well as another guy with a hipster look that always uses his laptop during class. Wow I know I've mentioned "girl with the cross hand ring" a number of times in this blog because I still don't know what her name is. I initially thought she was really annoying when she was in my class in accounting but I've actually grown to like her as being a more lively people in a group. She used to be really chatty in Holtfreter's class, but really hasn't been in our other classes so I might have judged her too quickly. I try not to judge people by their skin color (super tan) or hair color (bleach blonde) again. For some reason those biases grew inside of me but I realize how that judging people only breeds hate.

 I wouldn't want someone to judge me just on my looks. 

Looks are typically the initial source of attraction, which I've been lucky with.

Honestly in the past my personality drove most men away. I was very insecure. I would end up sabotaging it by either freaking out without the guy knowing what they did or acting kind of.. err, obsessive, because I couldn't deal with the emotions. Either way it would end, and I would normally feel MUCH better about my life again in a couple of days. 

Today I don't have hardly any emotions, which helps. I feel that now that my teenage years are over my brain is starting to really develop and focus on what's most important. 

I'll write later. 

5/11. 1:29 am

I.... am.... drunk. Is that tacky to tell you all this? It's harder for me to write right now because I drank a bottle of wine. My friend Evan drove over from the Tri cities to hang out with Brad and I. I picked up a bottle of this strawberry wine at Happy's and downed it in about an hour and a half. I honestly haven't drank in quite awhile. 

Right now my brain feels completely retarded. There's no way I could play the guitar or exercise or do anything productive. If this is what "functioning" alcoholics are trying to prove works for them... then they're... not.. Not fooling anyone. Something like that. ugh fudge it

peace. 

You might have won this time. . .

Hello everyone, it's is 5:30 in the morning. 

I went to bed really early last night after kind of forcing myself to read half of my stats chapter. We're learning about confidence intervals right now and it's kind of easy to make mistakes. Lol I told myself if I get above a 3.8 in Sipic's class I'm going to ask him about his medicinal marijuana observation that he's running. Yesterday Terry asked me, "Do you like him?" I'm like YEA. like duh. ha ha, he's sooo intelligent I'm dying to know what the hell he's doing driving all over California asking about medicinal marijuana and probably getting paid to do this research. 

So my rival and I have been talking a bit lately... Terry and I BOTH did well on the stats exam but he got a 28 when I got a 27. He's so full himself right now. I told him look you better keep on top of this damn material because when that final comes around whoever gets a better score on that is the CHAMPION... 

For the 

Current scores:

Terry has 146 pts.

I have 142.

THAT EFFING HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT that I was lazy on... If I had got 15/15, we would be tied. Ugh. 

Well anyway we'll see how well Terry did on this Econ test yesterday. To be honest neither of us thought we did well but about a quarter of the questions I got correct on the test were because he had explained the concept to me that morning. I know I've been stronger than him in Econ up to this point.. if he got a higher score on yesterday's test AND our stats test then I'll be mad

I am going to start logging how much time I study on average for each test so I can alleviate more stress that comes with sitting down and working. Sometimes when I think about sitting down and think about learning something my mind has an immediate response thinking that it's going to take an infinite amount of time... It doesn't, 5 hours is probably my average per important class per test.

...Not saying my speech class isn't important, but I honestly haven't read that book since day 1. The irony is that the exact same thing happened in my first speech class (no wonder I was getting such crappy grades in there) as well. There's just something so unnatural feeling about reading a book about giving speeches, I can't do it.

Damn, I'm kind of tired after all that writing. I'm gonna go back to bed for a half hour before I get up and shower. Morning is a great time to meditate.

___________________________________________________

10:12 am:

Yo. I got an 84 for on my econ test. Not bad, means I missed 4 questions. Terry bailed shortly after class started with another guy who was going on about how hard the test was. He pretty much just wanted to know his test grade and bailed, he's so stubborn, lol. 

I actually didn't listen to lecture today because Carbaugh was going over the test. I was reading the new chapter and annotating, got in about 45 minutes of studying so that was a plus.

I've been in a writing mood since I woke up this morning. That or talking but lately I haven't been hanging out with girls at all. Not intentionally of course, it's just harder to have consistent friendships with girls when their so wrapped up in their boyfriends and don't really feel a need to have new friends. 

peace. 

You nerds out there that read this blog are going to love this.

On right...

Excuse my language but f&^*ing Terry S... lol, who's not even on my facebook friends list today, finally asked for my number. I'd deleted his number because he didn't save my seat in lab, I was pissed off. We did not text eachother for four weeks, and after awhile it became more of an experiment whether or not we'd ever talk outside of class again. 

After the long and... mediocre-difficult Stats test..Man Sipic looked good today up there reading his book... lol he's so intelligent you can tell he's trying to make it look like he's not looking for cheaters but in actuality you know he's using his peripherals. He's from a Slavic country, they encourage cheating and you know he could suspect a clumsy American cheater immediately. I have to admit, I was a little disappointed when he cut off most of his hair recently. I thought his long hair gave him the mad scientist-y look. POINT BEING: I REALLY REALLY REALLY hope I did well on this stats test. lol 

..Terry looked up at me and said "Hey, you want to study for econ tonight?" which was pretty ballsy because the room was dead silent during a test. I'm like "Yeah..." so I sat down and he's like sitting there scrambling looking for a piece of paper. I actually took a flash card from econ out of my pencil bag and wrote my phone number on an index card. 

I gave him some shit because he told me that he didn't have my number in the first place. Huhhh sooooo... in those 6 weeks of talking and three or four times seeing eachother you never added my number to your contacts? A-HA touche!!! I NEVER ADDED YOURS EITHER.

But I did delete all my text messages... thus deleting his number... and kind of forced myself to not talk to him for awhile. Sometimes he can act like a real dick so I can't tell if he likes me or what. He did ask me via text if I thought he was attractive.. I'm like...are you serious? Lol seriously he could get with any girl he wants I'd think, which is why I don't take half of his kind of half flirtatious passes at me that seriously. 

I think the closest he's ever come to asking me out on a date in person is when we were studying together and he told me that if I was right about a question being on an exam the next day that he would buy me a beer. This was 5 weeks ago. As you all can see, whatever this is has moved at a snails pace but surprisingly we're studying today. DUN DUN DUN.

But yeah today via text I told Terry about how he's my rival!! Ha ha, he of course didn't seem to get it. He's like "Wait so you don't find me attractive? Idk you compared me to pokemon." Like he didn't get the reference what-so-ever!! But he knows what rival means and he understands how being competitive has helped us this quarter so we intend to benefit from eachother in the future.

Also, YES, the Finance specialization is seperate from the Supply Chain management specialization. Me and Terry are the only two people in my economics class doing this particular specialization, which makes things more fun and competitive. Ha ha ha our last quarter will be the "Elite Four". Lol I'm thinking of my credit sheet as getting a certain number of badges. I'm such a nerd you guys, I could never tell Terry about the extent that my mind just took this. 

oh!! And tests are like battles. So every time Terry does better than me on a test I feel like I lost a battle. So now when I'm studying it's like I'm training my brain... as if it was a pokemon. 

I am the f'ing weirdest person you guys, I'm so sorry. Again, if any of you know who Terry or Jack or anyone I mention in this blog is please do not tell them about this page, I'd have to switch blogs to something more secluded and that would stink because it'd be like starting all over again. I'm hoping that if either of them ever do find these blogs... or anyone else for that matter, that they just don't tell me about it. My opinions about someone often change, sometimes I'll be frustrated with someone and other times I could care less.

Anyway

Check this out.

That's how many credits I have under my belt now, 69% isn't that sick?! Next quarter I'm taking Introductory Financial Management which will probably be one of the hardest classes I take here because it's the groundwork for everything to anticipate in the future. I'm also taking Money and Banking with Carbaugh. I just love the framework of his classes and how he's so annoyingly repetitive that there's NO EXCUSE not to learn it. He initiates the class too, which is sort of silly at times but he's really jovial so it just cracks people up and puts us all in a good mood even though to most of us we're studying very dry material.

Alright time to play some guitar.

peace.