Recalibrating my life again

School has been hard for me lately.

I think a lot of it had to do with starting this quarter off badly which f*cked up my internal schedule and confidence so I haven't been able to figure out a solid routine yet. Today I tried spent a lot of time studying macro Chapter 3 but pretty much got nowhere on the homework. The math is really killing me right now. I need to actually practice it, and I'm hoping that adding the website to my studying will help me do that this next week.

I know in order to hold myself to practicing anything I have to create a schedule with the number of hours I'm going to spend on it.

This is me feeling very stressed out and defeated. I spent about 5 hours studying today with little physical proof of improvement of understanding (completed assignments...) so I know I have to approach this differently. I'm meeting up with Kevin tomorrow to figure out the Ch. 3 production function equations I could not for the life of me get today. Then I'm going to start using the website to more proactively study the book.

Here is my schedule for the next week. I have my first macro test on the 31st and right now I'm not feeling prepared for it at all. I've wrote out this planner so that in the next week I'm going to do about 12 hours of Macro study by the time I hit the upcoming test because I know that's how much I'm going to need. That's a goal of two hours of studying macro alone each day this week, plus also remembering to chip away at that project 2 for my management class.... And try not completely throw guitar under the bus. And find a job. 

....Because I have no money, which is another source of stress in my life because my parents give me money to live so I try to spend as little money as possible. But now that I'm 22 everyone around me is drinking and alcohol is so tempting and freaking expensive. And of course I have guitar lessons that cost $80 a month and my habit that cost as much as any regular smoker at this point. 

All this stress is making it so not I'm getting enough sleep. I haven't been to sleep probably earlier than 2 am all week because I am too stressed to fall asleep and keep getting woken up from nightmares of failing school. Literally I've been having these nightmares where I have to take an exam and I'm not ready or I somehow fuck up my life and wake up in a panic and it makes it hard to even get up in the morning so I'll end up sleeping in until 11' even if the nightmare woke me up at 6!!! 

I have to change all these bad habits in my life right now before it's too late and I get a D on my first exam. This week I will get more sleep, eat healthier, smoke less, work more, wake up earlier, study harder and practice better. Then by this time next Saturday I won't feel like this. I'll tell you how the first day of this goes tomorrow (well, technically today, obviously going to bed at a decent time isn't getting off on the best foot but tomorrow I'm going to make it a goal to be in bed by 11)

peace. 

A little disappointed with my saving abilities. :(

I feel absolutely sick with myself.

I've made no money this summer, zip, and I've tried so hard... maybe I should have tried harder, not gone out to see friends in town as often, I really don't know. I checked my bank statement for May and it said I have $1600 back then... I have $1533 in the bank right now, $200 until my next paycheck.

My upcoming expenses between now and when I move are pretty steep. Here's my budget for July 28-Sept 10:

-Amplifier, $200

-Differin, $70

-About $60 for gas

-$80 for Jacob

-$30 for Mac Careblend makeup

-$100 misc nessasary expenses

-$50 for medication

total: $590

I've got 4 paychecks between now and the end, adding up to about $1000, sans the expenses = about $400 that I could potentially save. My goal is to have $1,750 in the bank at the end. 

This just sucks, I feel like I've done hardly anything this summer except sit in my room practicing and work. I've hung out with friends, which can get expensive but most of the time me and my friends just sit around anyway because I never want to do anything because I don't like spending the money on gas. 

Meh, I should try not to stress out about these things. It really shouldn't matter that much to me but for some reason it always has because the stress my parents have put on me about saving; predominantly just my Dad.  

peace.