Sunday, August 18, 2013

Series of some unfortunate events

Will I someday just wake up a lesbian?

Probably not. But the more I've been let down in the past the more withdrawn I've become. It's beginning to feel like there's really no chance for me for this to change, even though life is long and that's a silly thing to say. I know that eventually the pieces will fall into place and I live every minute of every day for me and nobody else. My life revolves around personal growth and improvement, whether it be in my intelligence or musically. I feel enlightened and grounded enough that little really gets to me, even when it comes to love which can be such a roller coaster of emotions..

Of course I'm not saying that I "love" Jay, or anyone else for that matter in that way... This is just solely about being able to spend time with someone that I have feelings for and talk to them occasionally. Kind of feel like someone is there. Nope, that's too much apparently. I'm almost positive now that Jay has lost interest and no longer wants to spend time together. I've tried to get ahold of him via text for the past couple days just kind of asking what's up but he won't even answer. God it hurts, I hate it. 

And the thing is I did nothing wrong this time... I haven't pressured him or said anything weird. I've been nice... I've just been myself. The older I get the more I've gotten to know myself and know how much I'm worth and I just really want to share that with someone that I consider on my level and it's just never happened. 

Last I heard from Jay he was hanging out with Sheridan M. I sent him a text like "Okay soo we haven't talked in 4 days and you're hanging out with a girl..." And he acted like I was getting on his case. I mentioned this to Kayla W. at the party I'd gone to the other night and she's like "Wait isn't Sheridan a lesbian?" And I said "I don't think so anymore."

Honestly she looks better than she ever has, and I could imagine her liking to do (....and being good at) a lot of the things that I could see Jay doing like shooting paintball guns and roughing it in the woods or something. And though I can't say I know why Jay is not talking to me anymore, but I can say that I wish the last thing he had told me wasn't that he was with some other girl and that I was acting irrational about it. 

I just feel a little sick about this... of course it's Sunday, my day off... which I'm spending alone in my room again. Katelynn and I have been kind of distant lately. My mom got fired from her job. My uncle Robert died yesterday. I just am feeling a whole mix of things that are making me depressed right now.... I took a Xanex that I found and it makes you feel supppper drowsy. I'm glad I wasn't prescribed this for my anxiety.

It's been kind of hard to part with these band t-shirts but better on a blanket than in a box

Planning on having an enjoyable rest of my evening by practicing, sewing the Metallica patch onto my blanket. Ha ha I've been quilting lately to relieve stress. 


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