Saturday, June 9, 2012

This week has been a bit of an emotional rollarcoaster.

It's been tough, really unnessasarily bad. Like this could of been completely avoided and I would have had a nice week and could have even spent some time with Katharine and enjoyed my last few days of Japanese. Nope, because I was too busy being sad because Jack somehow managed to suck me in and blow me off... what is this, the third time this has happened?

Because I do recall the same exact thing happening this time last May, back when I first started talking to Guy. Jack had started texting me when I was over at Brad Pitkin's movie night and I immediately lost interest in Guy for about two days. Jack talked to me nonstop almost (texting and talked for hours) for about two days, then suddenly stopped. Ran off and got with Jessica Small. This made me very hurt but I ignored it and ended up spending the summer with crazy ass Guy Stevens.

Speaking of which, lets see what he's up to one year later shall we?

Still partying his ass off, clearly. Hanging out with skeezy techno kids. The dubstep thing is just... so embarrassing. Granted I enjoy a little of techno when I exercise, but seriously anyone who listens to that garbage 24/7 is either on drugs or is mentally retarded. I look back on last summer and I realize how much of a dumbass he was and it makes me laugh that he had me so manipulated to think he was some hot shit somewhere.

lawl. I'm not even going to say it.
I just do not like him and I'm glad that I'm in a whole different boat than last summer.

Because trust me, I'd much rather be alone and safe in my own little musical world then having my emotions out on the front line like that. I'm very protective of my own wellbeing. Few people know how many trust issues I have, especially when it comes to men. This of course stemmed from Michael Kaminski but spiraled out of control when I was with Guy. I couldn't trust ANYTHING he was doing because he knew as well as I did that everything he was up to was shady bullshit. He would tell me all sorts of lies to get me to think highly of him when really he was just some loser that was living with his best friends that totally conned thousands of dollars out of DJs around the tri-cities.

I remember when Sheldon Miller told me about this and I didn't want to believe him but I knew he was telling the truth (of course).


Anyway, back to what I was saying about Jack. A week ago he pulled the same thing he did last summer. We talked for like three hours, had a great conversation.. He tried to make plans with me at 3 in the morning. These plans clearly failed, he probably felt a little embarrised for "bitching out." But, instead of telling me, "Hey, Emily SORRY for bitching out on our plans, lets do it another time.." he just didn't even talk to me for an entire week. Am I so wrong to think that's rude?

So he doesn't want to be involved with me, big whoop, get over it. Well that would be easy to do but you guys have to understand that I don't bring this on. He comes to me each time, aside from the couple times that I've texted him first. Then he ditches me and it makes me feel like my friends think I've been the sad sack that's been pursuing his ass for two years. NO. WRONG.

And the thing is, he probably doesn't even know that I like him. And I post this here because there's no way in Hell he has the patience to read this, nor does he care enough to read anything that I'm writing because he doesn't care.

Right now, he's probably laying in his bedroom with some dumb girl that's probably the center of his world right now. He has no idea who she is, she probably has a boring personality, and is probably prettier than me in his eyes, thus more impressive to guys on his Lacrosse team or whoever the Hell he's trying to impress nowdays. I can't be certain, but this is what I choose to believe because history repeats itself.

It makes me sad... I guess you could say I waited for that phone call a bit, knowing that he'd probably want to spend time together over the summer since he just broke up with his last girlfriend and that's the pattern he follows.

Break up with girlfriend,
 talk to Emily when I feel lonely for two days
find new girlfriend

This is why I told him when we're going to be studying in the same building that he's going to come to me for relationship advice. Because his sensitivity chip is somehow not there. This entire process that he does is just a game he does to feed his ego and for his own benefit. He has no idea how much it's hurt me when he's done this, and because I allowed him to get under my skin once again I had to suffer the consequences this week.

But my guitar is here, it's sitting next to me. That thing is so beautiful, Jacob was right I'm totally falling in love with it. That, right there, is going to be my summer. I want to get as good as I can before I go off to college. Bam, there's one goal for the summer. Second of course is to earn money! Work sucks but I just have to think of the savings. Dad gave me $200 today to sort of help out for the cost of the instrument. $43 of this went to getting the strings reset, $20 went into my gas tank. So now I only have about $130 to go into my actual savings account, what that money was for in the first place.

I'd say I should lay low with the spending this upcoming week but this will be hard with my party coming up and the fact that there's hardly any food in my house. My mom says she hates grocery shopping but I can't stand when there's not food here. I literally don't eat for long periods of time because of it because I feel to much guilt when I spend money on food but rarely find anything appetizing in my house. This is probably the result of a lot of my weight loss. Makes me not want to exercise tonight because I need to conserve these calories from that cereal I ate earlier tonight so I don't feel hungry in bed.

This Jack situation has sort of zapped my hunger... depression has a tendency to do that, or the opposite, you want to eat all the time. I don't think my stomach could take nearly as much food as I used to consume when I was younger. It's alright though, I don't need as many calories anymore because aside from work I'm a pretty sedentary person. I mean I do sit for at least three hours a day.

But yeah, guitar plays beautifully, I'll probably just chill here for another hour and a half or so and go to bed. Not much happened today but I was rather depressed; thus in a very bad mood toward customers in comparison to how I usually am. I'm just sick of people I guess. I saw Josh Kilgore but I didn't even say "hi." Called up a backup cashier so I wouldn't have to face him because I thought I'd start ranting and bitching. I have no angst toward him at all.

I'm fine, I was pretty beat up over this throughout the week but now that he's gone again I'm back to square one of loneliness. When he's not talking to me at least I don't feel like I'm anticipating anything. That's the hardest part is wondering if anything will become of our random late night conversations. Nope, it was all just a game.

Boy, I feel pretty stupid to have fallen for it for so long.


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