Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Confirming registration with Central is now harder to swallow

I'm having a feeling CWU is going to be really gay, and I'm wondering if I'm making the right decision. Well, it's the easiest decision because it's less expensive than Western, I won't be moving eight hours, Western is pretty much entirely out of the question. But am I excited to go to Central? No. I was never excited about this stupid school in the first place and had no intention of going there until I realized how expensive Western would be. It kind of depresses me that I'm going to be going there. Western seemed like so much more of an exciting experience... Central just seems like, meh, whatever.

Oh well, it's pretty much what I'm stuck with. I promissed my parents I'd give it a year. The website makes it look so lame there though, I'm not excited at all. The only thing I'm excited to about is to get away from my job at Rite Aid. I don't really have any friends at Central, and I fear being isolated because I might not even get into the housing.

Fuck, I'm trying to figure out how to get this stupid deposit in for my confirmation. No matter how much I smoke I don't have any desire to do this, and days keep going by and I've been scared to take care of it. I don't want to confirm that I want to go there because the truth is that I don't, but I have no other choice. Shit, what did I do, my parents are now so stoked that I'm going to Central but I'm not happy about it at all. I just need to stop being so selfish and realize that my happiness doesn't matter and all that REALLY matters is that I get my degree so I can make my own money. If I moved much further it would be far too expensive and I'd be in way too much debt to feel happy elsewhere.

Maybe I'm not depressed about the Central thing at all, but I'm just tired, angry and lonely. No particular reason, aside from the general frustration from earlier in the week. I spent the afternoon with Samantha, we had a nice time cleaning and hanging out. I couldn't believe how filthy House was when we walked in, so I wanted to help out. Shawn and Sam's previous tension that I was used to seemed nonexistant, like now that they're living together their relationship seems much healthier. Ironic, you think it would be the other way around in most cases. I don't know.

I feel suffocated when I think about school. Western looks really neat but the truth of the matter is that I know hardly anything about it. I have not done ANY research on colleges since I graduated highschool and attended CBC. I pretty much just did what they told me, and carefully choose the classes I needed at CBC to get my degree there. I haven't, however, really looked into any universities. Probably because I'm not interested and the whole idea scares the shit out of me. . . the intimidation keeps me naive to actually doing any research on where I'm planning on going.

So yeah, no, not excited at all for Central. I'll say that here and now so I can look back on this and see if my opinions change of the place. But I'm not a catholic enough for Gonzaga, WSU is atrociously nasty, Western is way to far and rainy and Eastern is in my least favorite city in Washington. Central really is my only opinion, even if it seems boring as Hell there and I'll only be a short drive from home. I've just gotta try to make the best out of it I guess.

I just tried getting my confirmation fee in but the website is so confusing that I had a very hard time with it. The website interface makes absolutely no sense navigation wise and I simply don't have the patience to deal with any of it tonight. I hope that next time I try to do this I won't have such a shitty attitude but the stress of this makes me cringe.

My head is spinning; so many emotions tonight... stress, pain, loneliness, anxiousness, fear, shame, regret... it's all eating at my insides. My body is literally in pain from all the exercising I've been doing. The exercise helps me clear my head like the guitar does. I feel like this last week of depression has caused my health to deteriorate a bit and I feel like shit today. I feel such a hole in my overall wellbeing. Nothing feels right even if I'm literally doing all I can to make myself a better person and keep a better outlook on life.

I don't know what to do or why I feel this way. But I've gotta study my Japanese or i'm gonna fail my final tomorrow.


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