August is here, time to get to work.

"Put it to Rest machine"

Goodmorning to any of my readers.

Today is one of those slow type days, the type where I have nothing really planned, will usually sit around and play guitar all day, and probably not write unless I get it done early. I feel like writing so here goes, the rare morning blog.

I had to be up around 9 this morning because I had a dentist appointment at 10:30. It was my Dentist's 40th birthday today and he got my filling done painlessly in about 20 minutes. They put so much anesthesia in my mouth it moved up to my right nostril. Right now I'm making chicken with rice. My mom is talking on the phone in the next room and it pains me to see her this hurt.... I love her so much, she works so hard and she doesn't deserve to done wrong by anyone. I'm planning on staying close to home here today and tomorrow because I'm trying to be there for her and bring her up as much as I can.


I have been feeling really broke lately. I'm trying not to spend into my last $100 before my paycheck and that can be hard when temptation is everywhere obviously. Man I have somehow not done a great job saving this summer. If I'm lucky they'll be able to transfer my job up to Yakima and I can continue making some minor form of income while going to school. Ha ha livin' the dream, poor person college life. I don't even think I make enough money or have good enough credit to apply for a JCP credit card more than likely, ha ha ha. I think this is one of the many reasons people drop out of college to find better jobs. Of course a lot of people do work more than me during the summer, shh..

Jay was really surprised that my parents still help me out with money. He said his parents stopped giving him allowance when he was about 14 (although he says he's been working for his Dad since he was 8). Honestly I don't even earn allowance, I just help out around the house somewhat and my parents give me money if I ask for it for the most part. I'm pretty lucky to have this option once and awhile in order to save more of the money I earn but I'm pretty sure Jay thinks I'm spoiled.

It's now 1 and I've eaten. Today should be productive. Oh I thought of a new goal coming home last night. This has been hanging over my head for weeks on end... After the Music Stopped is a book about the financial crisis that I plan to read for Sipic's class assignment. Okay that makes me happy and excited that it's August because I need to move out soon. I need to get ahold of the school about finding a roommate.

From this day forward I plan to read at least 10 pages of After the Music stopped every day to have accomplished reading a book this summer. 

Alrighty well I'll ttyl!

peace. 

damn near perfect (and some work nonsense)

Hola.

Okay I am so happy that this blog entry is not going to be me saying "Jay flaked and we didn't end up going" (ha ha, nothing against him in particular but you guys know how things go). We actually went. I've finally been to the damn boat races. Ha ha, my family was never interested in that so I'd never went when it's like this big thing in the tri cities. The boat races themselves for me was nothing to write home about because there wasn't anywhere to sit and we basically just paced around and people watched for an hour and a half. BUT, on the bright side we did get there right on time to see the final race and got in free because it had barely turned 4' pm. Win-Win.

This is Jay. Lmfao this is exactly how he looked when he pulled up to my house. 

Jay got here on his bike at like 2'. I was like huhhh... I figured he'd be bringing his truck because he said that he'd be driving us. There was no way in Hell I was going to ride on the back of his bike all the way to kennewick when I'd never been on one before. So I ended up being driver initially which I could tell wasn't what he had planned but.... I was pretty adamant about that from the get go.

We stopped and got Mexican food which admittedly just okay. I was debating between tamales and a burrito and ended up getting the burrito and scarfing most of it because I was starving. He ended up getting the tamales and they were covered in melted cheese which was really unusual. Oh well, it's Mexican food, you really can't go wrong in most cases.

After the boat races we stopped at the liquor store over on G. Way... There's like the Wal Mart of Liquor stores over there, HUGE. We milled around for a little bit, I didn't really know what I was looking for. I always just get my favorite (Corona).

LMFAO... okay I was originally going to post a picture of some clique looking Corona model to spice up this blog so I looked up "Corona girl" and found this. Dude that's the REAL Corona girl right there, ha ha I might have met her in a bar once....

Anyway me and Jay came back to my place, watched The Wonderful Whites on Netflix (lol that's a test.....) and he thought it was funny!!!! yaaaay, ha ha ha. That's kind of one way I can tell if I'm going to relate to a guy or not. Play some bizarre ass show or documentary that I find hilarious or amusing and see how he reacts. Most guys fail this test because when they're with me they're too distracted to actually watch it.

So yeah such a nice day... I honestly can't remember the last time I went on an actual date and felt like I wanted that for awhile. Dating to me feels like it did when I was 15, I'm just going to have fun taking this really slow and see where it goes. He's such a well rounded guy, like he's intelligent and mechanical.

I think I've always liked guys that can fix things because I have a tendency to break things.

Okay enough about that. It would be pretty embarrassing if he found this . Luckily he's not the snoopy type... or the internet type, so I feel like this blog's pretty safe from him ever finding it and knowing more of my thoughts than I'd want him to know.

Work was lame and boring like always. Nothing interesting happened but I did get stuck up in kids which is always a blast and a half.... I got this lovely 80's perm lady at the beginning of my shift that came in wanting to buy a bunch of clearance clothes, so of course nothing was ringing up the right price and I'm standing here trying to change the prices, take things off the hangers, fold and make meaningless conversation simultaneously. Apparently I'd made some mistakes and I tried to correct them. Megan then stepped in, undermine me in front of the customer as she likes to do in a given opportunity, and basically told me to get lost to restart the transaction. Lol fine by me I didn't want to deal with this.

Of course afterward Megan had to hunt me down and pretty much "coach" me on what I did wrong. This is like the third time she's done this with me. She's like, "You were arguing with a customer. . . If a customer asks you to do something you just do it. Every one one of items were not priced right, I had to fix all of it."

This chick is my age, mind you, and not a manager. 

I could say some really nice things about her appearance to paint a picture for you guys but that's too low for my level. . . . 

Granted she has worked there longer so knows the system a little better than I do but I was definitely not acting rude to customers.  I'm just standing here while she lectured me like "uh-huh.." Big smile, pause. Stare straight into her eyes. "Alrighty then!" (ha ha ha ha....) I can read so much hatred from her toward me, it's fun. Like she obviously thinks I am completely inadequate at my job.

God there are so many reasons I'd much rather NOT work in kids. Dresses is so much better. Granted I did enjoy talking to Jasmine today. She's Afr. American and really pretty in my opinion. Plus she's funny and laid back, I enjoy working with her. 

peace. 

Sometimes I need to be alone . . .

Well initially today I thought Jay and I were going to the boat races in the "late morning" but he had to run some errands and has had to postpone that. We're going to have a hell of a time finding parking more than likely. 

My sister went to the boat races yesterday and got completely red... Her skin is so burnt. I'm wearing two layers of sunscreen, a layer of tanning lotion and a layer of makeup right now to protect myself, ha ha I think I'm set. But still, he's taken forever. Because he said late morning I was up at like 8 this morning getting ready.... I would have definitely slept in today otherwise because I was up last night reading Mein Kampf. 

....I know isn't that atrocious? But most educated people who can read something from an outside perspective should read the book that essentially leaded an entire nation to back something as corrupt as an all German empire. Hitler's writing is all in first person, so reading this book almost reminds me of reading Hitler's blog. Though I've only read the first 15 pages or so, I can already see a lot of similarities between the indoctrination of German children and the forced indoctrination of generations of North Koreans. In Mein Kampf Hitler paints a picture of what in his eyes would be the ideal Aryan world where he would of course be the leader.  

To be a well educated, intelligent person you have to make rational, well thought out decisions. To be a manipulative person you have to express these decisions confidently and with relaxed demeanor. Confidence creates trust. Trust and ability to manipulation is what makes powerful people. Sorry, these are just random thoughts that have been going through my head. 

Coffee is gone... I'm honestly getting tired. Lol I just took a picture that made me look like an anime character.

Wish me luck today to have a good one, kind of getting a late start

peace. 

plans fell through. nothing new today.

Yo, good afternoon...

I'm feeling pretty good regardless of the fact that I think I got flaked on today. Jay was texting me last night asking what I was up to today and said we should go check out the boat races tomorrow (today). But yeah, it's 3:30 and we haven't talked yet today. He told me that he was working at 6 am, which is crazy if he's still working.. Maybe he's just super tired, or working way overtime. Or he's actually not feeling up to doing this. lol

I'm not gonna let this stop my day. I just feel lame because I put on makeup and don't have anywhere to really go. 

I'm not going to text him first though, seriously. He made these plans with me last night and he needs to follow up on it one way or another. I'm not gonna be like "Uhh hello??" f*******^%....... 

I practiced invention for a solid 40 minutes but I should really be using guitar pro instead of watching netflix. I've been trying to be more cautious about picking patterns as well as counting. 

Grr, this is lame though I was stoked. I should just continue to be productive.. Maybe I'll read my book or something. 

peace.

nailed a few plywood boards over a burnt bridge

Evening everyone.

Today I've felt really intense because I've had a lot on my mind. Jake could actually read this on me at my lesson today. There was a lot that I would have talked about with him that had happened yesterday if I could but it was completely irrelevant and he doesn't need to know about my personal life. I'll talk about what happened on here for those few odd souls that read this blog (which, as I've always said, I appreciate because I know I ramble and don't edit these blogs grammatically as well as I should).

But yeah, my lesson today I had practiced about an hour beforehand but didn't play as well as I felt I should have. This was frustrating. But I don't know if my bad playing was what made me so mad. I kept on saying "shit" throughout the lesson and felt just... idk, not centered. This week my goal is to work on counting out loud. Something I've kind of dreaded because it's hard to do while you play if you don't know all the notes perfectly. Invention's note combinations are frustrating but Jake is continuing to show me tricks on how to get it down.

I've been doing a lot of practicing without counting or even using a metronome of any sort so even if I've learned the notes it doesn't sound nearly like it should and that is very frustrating. This week I need to work on it with guitar pro as well as better learn the notes on the second page.

Here's another incredible song by Puscifer that I've been listening too. What I've always loved about Tool's lead singer Maynard James Keenan is that his voice is so comprehensible that you have no problem understanding what he's saying but the challenge is figuring out what any of it means. 

Ha ha, I was going to post a picture of Keenan and I went to google image search and started typing "John Maynard Kaynes"... lmfao. Anyway I plan on learning a lot of Tool music after the recital. There is a lot of good guitar that needs to be learned how to play there.... 

Yesterday Katelynn and I went to the Parkade and met up with some of Ashleigh's friends like I have the last few wednesdays. Katelynn and I sort of found ourselves isolated in our own conversations. We don't mean to do that but it happens. Before we got there I had already had a few drinks so I had a decent buzz and didn't have to spend much money which was nice.

Katelynn and I walked down to Jack Didleys. There I saw Jessica S., Sarah V. and Celeste P. Jessica had actually noticed me before I had time to think about the situation. She gave me a hug and was like "Omg Emily you look so good!!  I love your hair, where have you been I haven't seen you in forever..." like that sort of thing. I was really shocked. She's one of these people that is pretty nice to everyone regardless of circumstances because she's never really had a reason to be jealous or have hard feelings toward anyone because things seem to have come relatively easy for her in her life. 

She was totally friendly and sweet and gorgeous like she's always been. The main reason why I carried so much anger toward her is that she used to easily get things in highschool that I thought I wanted: "cheer leading" team spot-- which would have been a complete nightmare for me if I had made it, playing time on the basketball team when I humiliatingly got none that year, and of course you know she was really popular within my own class and I never had that, she got some scholarships I didn't.... these things piled up over the years and by my senior year I pretty opennly didn't like her. We had Jone's class together and she would give some (usually somewhat "conservative") input and I'd usually be the first one to raise my hand and shoot down what she was saying. She'd come into class late and I'd roll her eyes at her. Stuff like that. It was funny I think she's somehow gotten my yearbook to sign and she wrote "Well I don't think you ever liked me that much but I hope you have a good summer!" or something like that. So obviously she knew that I didn't like her. So I brought it up to her last night.

I told her pretty straight out that I didn't like her because she was with Jack, which doesn't really explain why I'd hated her in highschool because she didn't actually date him until afterward. That's the only relevant thing to this date anyway. I told her we had a long history together though things never worked out. She was like, "Well he lives up at Central why don't you guys see eachother?" sigh.... ha ha ha. I'm like "We don't because he never seems to want to see me. Really the only time we ever saw eachother was when I wanted to show him up on guitar and that was it." Like I described that originally when I started playing I thought guitar would be the thing that would finally make him think I'm good enough to be with him and when that didn't work I finally just said fuck it, there's nothing I can do. 

Jessica told me that she and Jack got along great and they broke up because she went to school. At some point I'm sure he got ahold of me both before and after Jessica and him were together but again we never really executed any kind of plans and this was very painful each time. Jack finds girls relatively easily and he probably associated me with emotional baggage because I had told him time and time again that I f*cking hated him and wanted him out of my life. It was just a very horrifying situation for me and so much of me will always hate Jack for it. But he's dead to me now, he doesn't matter and for that reason I no longer have bad feelings for Jessica. She really is a nice person that didn't ever intentionally do anything to make me hate her. 

Alrighty well I'm gonna get going. My hands are kind of hurting so I think I'm going to relax with some sims tonight instead of practicing more. 

peace.

Changes come, Keep your dignity

I like that my work schedule is laid out in a way that I have multiple days in a row that I'm off because it lets me coordinate my schedule easier. Of course most of what takes up my schedule is practicing guitar and any other responsibilities that I happen to have going on that day.

Anyway today's been good. Found my debit card (I had almost thrown it away. I put it in a bag from work and almost trashed the bag) and have had the house to myself for the most part. I played an hour of guitar while I watched this documentary about the author of Atlas Shrugged that basically talks about how government control in the United States is going to take over like it did in Russia and that eventually they will try to control our lives by continuing to create new regulations and rules to benefit the system. It's really hard to explain and I'm sure that makes no sense the way I just wrote it but it's a really interesting theory.

This was a documentary that my Mom told me to watch so when I saw it come up on Netflix I was like, I should really watch this, just to learn something this evening rather than watch King of the hill because I haven't had a stressful day and didn't need to pacify my mind. I'm happy I watched it. My sister is making an awesome dinner right now and I think I'm going to munch on nutella and pretzels later. Should be a good evening.

Today I met Alan and Katelynn at Leslie Groves park. I'm not sure if I mentioned this earlier but Katelynn did cut off from that Devin guy that she was sort of digging for a little while. She was just over it quickly. She and Alan are still very cordial with eachother but it definitely no longer has an affectionate vibe. I don't know, maybe this is just a rough patch in their relationship and everything will be back to normalcy there.

I really liked laying out by the water today, it was nice. We went to Thai food afterward and I ended up accidentally ordering too much and getting a ton of leftovers. It's fine though, that'll be great for tomorrow. Emerald of Siam is delicious but MAN I spent the most on that meal then I have in awhile... lol watch out for appetizers.

Zach, Steven and Cheyanne are living downstairs from them now. I'm really interested in how that's been going. Zach and I haven't talked since the SOAD concert a couple years back and he took me off his friends list which is usually a pretty good indication that another person wants to stay strangers with you. I can respect that and understand because our lifestyles are different.

Well I'll talk to you guys later.

peace.

Here's a song I've really liked lately-- Momma Sed by Puscifer. It's got a really powerful message about not letting life circumstances cause you to lose your dignity. Society will have it's way on you, "Take it like a man." 

Nobody helps you. Changing your life is based on your own conscious decisions to make change. 

Guess who doesnt have to find a new job. Patience.

Evening everyone. Technically goodmorning because it's almost 2 am.

I had such a fun day at work with Angie in the dresses department today. I don't know if I've ever mentioned Angie before but she's this super pretty Mexican girl that lives with her husband and son. She moved up from Mexico a few years ago so an accent that makes her really entertaining for me to listen too. Having friends that I'm working with downstairs is super nice..

I got home from work at 11' and practiced guitar for an hour before calling it quits a little while ago. I browsed around facebook to see what people have been up too. Didn't find anything interesting really and have seen the news feed a number of times today because I was bored in the break room at work. I really shouldn't waste time but sometimes it's very relaxing to do so.


Working in Kids was difficult and made me prepared for anything honestly. I'm not saying working in Kids is harder because there are annoying ass, tedious tasks in every department... what makes kids more frustrating is the little pieces. Folding little teeny shirts and stacking them on short shelves. The racks are shorter too to cater to younger critiques.

Baby clothes are the worst because they have three pieces per set on special hangers. Luckily most people don't try to cart their baby into a dressing room and put clothes on it before purchase.

So I forgot to mention this. A couple days ago when I'd hung out with Josh H. and some of his buddies after work (Josh is rarely in town so I went over to Travis's house after work. This was the first time I'd talked to either of Josh's friends honestly.) at around 12:30 am. I hate late night phone calls but they're especially bad when they come from really creepy automated voices.

It was a "CWU Alert" calling to inform me of the following: "On July 20, 2013 at approximately 10:45 pm a male who appears to be in his early 20’s   was found lying in the O5 parking lot on the campus of Central Washington University. The male had what appears to be multiple stab type wounds and medical aid was notified. The male was transported to the hospital." 

That's exactly what the message said. These guys that I was sitting with were joking around like "Wow by the look on your face that looks like a call I'd want to get!" They were kind of drunk... I think they meant the other way around. Anyway after that disturbing phone call I'd decided to not think about it but later I opened my email to find it again and now I'm wondering what happened. It's actually really weird for something like this to happen in Ellensburg, and I'm sure scared the hell out of the lucky few that are living there this summer.

If I was communicating with Terry I could ask him if he'd heard much about it but we haven't talked since the night I texted him saying I'm done trying to see eachother. I know that he doesn't take me as seriously as I am but I meant it. I'm literally likely not going to talk to him the rest of the summer. That's Terry f*cking S. for you. And then we'll see eachother in the fall and act like that didn't happen and that not seeing eachother all summer should have been expected. I can't say it wasn't... But he still did get in touch with me off and on so I didn't know. He's so weird, I don't get him.

I've honestly really had my mind on someone else. It's never worked with us so I don't know why this time would be any different but I would just really like to spend time with him. But yeah I'm not going to contact him. He needs to show initial interest in me because the last time we'd tried going there he basically told me that doesn't like my personality. I could see why, at the time I'm sure I acted pretty crazy. I just really liked him and didn't know how to act right yet. But I was 18-- and so torn over the Jack thing at that time that I'm sure I was looking for someone to latch onto. The guy that I'm referring to is very laid back, independent and kind of a no-BS kind of guy and that's what I've always been super attracted to. 

We'll see.

peace. 

Who cares

Yo.

Let's see it's almost 1:30. Actually got up at 12:30 because I was too tired to stay awake after breakfast. Miranda was laying there so cutely, how could I resist. Uhm let's see I've got work, AGAIN, at 4... That's the forth day in a row. I know, nobody cares because everyone has to work-- most people have more stressful jobs than I do. I actually really like that this job lets me do a lot of walking around because I felt kind of stuck at the register at Rite Aid. That sucked and was quite boring.

Some shower thoughts:

I realize now that in my life I've always expected instant manifestation of my wants because that's what I've always demanded. I feel this is one of the reasons I never had luck with men growing up, is because deep down I thought so highly of myself and was so spoiled that I wanted to get "all attention right now right this second" which would throw guys off. Like that's the only way I can explain it. I just wanted the instant gratification of having someone there when in actuality that's something that has to be worked for. 

In the past year I have learned to be much more patient in school, work and life and try to live as independently as possible in the present. I do what I have to do and if I'm busy being alone no longer bothers me at all. 

I've been feeling pretty emotionally stable lately. Work has gotten a lot easier and they actually put me on the schedule in dresses yesterday so we'll see if that's permanent. Kids is annoying to work in but the people that I work with have been pretty nice so it doesn't matter. Shoot I just realized I don't have much time to write, I'll write again later after work maybe I've gotta eat lunch right now though... I've had a lot on my mind lately that I want to remember later... I'll write for sure tomorrow.

peace.

You can't save me, I am fading

So this is what I've just started today because I've literally just been practicing invention for the past week, it's been stupid overboard but the time of that recital is creeping up on me and that song is freaking hard to pick correctly.

Anyway I really like Slash's work in this. I'm not a big fan of the vocals but the lyrics aren't bad and neither is the vocal quality. It's just not my favorite style particularly.

Here's a bleeping picture of me today. Yay, you know what's totally awesome, closing on a saturday.... blegh. I am going to work hard today though. Whenever I get down about work I think about what Hank Hill says: "Find the job everyone hates, and then do it better!"

According to Hank Hill in order to do a good job you have to have a "Can-do" attitude and do what your boss tells you without asking a lot of questions. Babies don't work and need everything handed to them. Therefore if you are an adult you work. Ha ha all these things ring in my head when I start bitching about my job and it kind of humbles me because it's true. 

But yeah obviously I'd rather just be playing guitar and sitting around at home. Nothing really new to talk about but I'm going to try to make the best of today. It's definitely hot and there's a bunch of motorcycle drivers on the road which always makes me a little nervous. I always drive slow so if I get caught in the left lane and a motorcyclist gets behind me trying to go 75 and always feel like they're going to lose their momentum and fly off. Motorcycles are so f*ing dangerous.

Damn I've lost some of the tone in my core because I am not exercising as frequently and have been eating more than when I was living up in ellensburg. I'm not worried about it. My back has really hurt though. I should really make an effort to start practicing standing up to take the tension off my back. When I sit at my computer I get slouchy naturally and I do all I can to improve my posture. Back problems later would really suck.

peace.

Night shifts making me more nocturnal. Some cool stuff

On my way to work today I saw Haeli Z. at the gas station with her Mom. She yelled out "Nobody cares" and it seemed like her mom was trying to calm her down. Scroll down my facebook wall feed today,turns out her and Nick got married! Weird that I just happened to see her in the first time in years. 

Good for them, they have a son together and I wish them the best. 

During the summer I always tend to change my sleeping routine so that I'm staying up at night when it's cool and staying asleep in the mornings until noon or so. I do tend to get stuff done at night, like that's usually the best time for me to read, do any last practicing, whatever. I don't get disturbed much at night so I like it. During the day I have a hard time getting anything done because I have other chores and responsibilities. I think maybe if I tried to be more proactive about getting up in the morning to get things really clean and throw a load of laundry in I would have more time in the day.

My darling Miranda is so happy that I'm home from work. I've been out all day and she's been outside all day.

Today I did a lot of shopping, probably spent about $100 of my hard earned $300 paycheck. Woww-zaaah, big bucks. Lol. I still feel so poor even on payday because here I am trying to save money this summer but it's hard....  Mainly because like most people I really like stuff. Today I got some awesome stuff with my paycheck. A lot of it I got a really good value on because of my employee discount.

I got:
-It's a 10 miracle leave in product. Basically the constant factor that I believe has let me grow my hair out this long... 
-Big sexy hair shampoo/conditioner liters (these would normally be $40, got em for $24).
-Loreal Feria dye (Dark brown)
-Illuminator powder from Saphora
-1 "joe fresh" black tanktop and 1 striped b&w shirt
-Green tanktop

That's all the things on my to-buy list, aside from the mac foundation which I've decided to hold off until my next paycheck. I had a very productive day. Only got 30 min of practice in but my hands needed a break because I had a long day at work.

peace.

Been letting myself have a little fun this summer

Hello everrryone.

Today's Thursday, which means tomorrow's one of my favorite days (payday!!!). I'm planning to go get my paycheck before work, deposit the check, then maybe do a little shopping while the prices are still super low. Apparently we're getting 25% off on top of the clearance so I really want to take advantage of that. It'll be nice to spoil myself a little tomorrow.

Today was pretty much a recharge day. I did play guitar a little and have my lesson at 5:30 but I slept in until about 2:30 this afternoon and then slept again in the evening... I must have been super tired after last night.

I worked a pretty easy Wednesday closing shift (I say this because the sections weren't that disorganized, not too many customers, etc...) and afterward I was driving all over town to  try to get to the bar to meet up with some friends of mine. My phone was dying and for some reason my car charger was not working so I was pretty much screwed and actually decided to drive home before Katelynn said her and Devin could meet me at a Texaco. Got back on the highway and we got to the bar around 11:55 pm.

I'm not going to lie to you guys, I drank fast. I drank a long island, a rum and coke and a spider bite in an hour and a half... A bunch of Ashleigh's friends were there. It's like people are getting more aware of this wednesday karaoke night thing. I met a couple of new friends that Ashleigh is working with at Amazon currently. She's going to do well there I think.

Katelynn had a guy with her named Devin last night and I enjoyed his company. He seems like a pretty responsible, down to earth guy. He kind of reminds me of Rachelle's boyfriend Levi because of his red hair. Anyway Katelynn seems to really like him so that's all that's good. Everyone has to weed through different people to find the right match and it doesn't bother me that she and Alan just broke up. Lol if only I was so lucky to find guys in dating. 

Though lately I've grown even more content being single. Deleting and blocking Jack was the first step in the right direction I'd made this summer, followed by telling Terry I'm done trying to communicate this summer because I'm tired of him texting me acting like he wants me to come there and then not talking. Texting is so f*cking annoying when you're trying to communicate with a guy that you like when *they're* still on the fence about you. It's selfish and I'm done with it. I seriously don't like anyone and I've been totally fine with that. I just spend most of my time and money on myself and my own improvement without distractions. 

So I had a guitar lesson today that went extremely well because Jake was able to get me that picking dvd that he originally paid hundreds for. This whole DVD is just about picking technique and it's going to help me a great deal I'd imagine. Anyway hopefully I can get it to run on my computer.

peace.

Oh, here's some random 90's goth metal that I've been listening to by a band called Type O Negative. Great vocal quality unlike many other bands that I've heard. Sends shivers down your spine. Warning the lyrics to this could be considered offensive or sacrilegious. Like most metal it should be taken for the work of art that it is rather than read into what it's trying to say. 

Hmm tonight will be interesting.

I have some news. It's 2:00 pm and I still haven't been able to play guitar because a lot has been on my mind.

Katelynn broke up with Alan recently, for good this time. They got back together for like a day but then she found out about an incident that occurred during the time they were broken up and cut it off for good. She's been hanging out with her friend Zach lately, which is totally cool with me because she's probably less stressed out with him than in her apartment with Alan. 

I'm happy that I've never had to have the experience of living with a boyfriend before and then breaking up with him. It would just feel like being married too early in life to me. Of course Katelynn and I had entirely different circumstances growing up. She's been kind of forced to grow up faster from having to clean Jeff's house all the time and taking care of the horses to working at 16 then having to pretty much take care of her Mom when she got divorced when she was 18. There was a lot of reasons that she wanted to get out of her house early.

Anyway Katelynn met someone new and I'm going to meet her at one of the bars tonight. I work a closing shift tonight so I plan to bring a change of clothes with me. I hope this bar that we're going to is a dance place... lol probably not. I've actually been looking up some of the clubs in Seattle that I'd like to make the drive up to next year when I'm living in Ellensburg (*closer to Seattle). I'm also going to try to juggle having a job and going to school next year so that's going to be a challenge but I'm excited for it. 

I've actually started to enjoy dancing a lot now that I've found some rhythm with the guitar. I recently found out that my lack of rhythm initially comes from my father who has no rhythm, lolol. I had to work hard to overcome that but luckily my Jewish side helped me grow out of it. 

So yeah I guess I can dance pretty well now, I mean in comparison to the next white girl shaking her ass. It's nothing to write home about. But yeah dancing is fun! 

Anyway I'm gonna practice while I still can. Work at 7. I no longer dread work. I try to just get 1 credit app a day so that my managers won't bug me about it. It's like once I get one I can chill and clean up the merchandise the rest of the day which is actually not bad.

peace. 

Too corrupt for a child's ears

Hello.

I'm happy to say I feel like I've found my center again. I was feeling kind of out of it for a week after this annoying Eric incident but now I'm feeling a lot more content and excited for the future. One of the main reasons for this is because I've been making a lot of improvement on Invention which has been a major challenge for a long time but I'm going to be able to get it like the back of my hand before the recital in 5 weeks so that'll be awesome.

I have been working my ass off lately because I've been focusing more on my right hand. I realize that my positioning has been wrong since day one now so I've been trying to modify this. Jake has honestly been trying to get this stuff through to me for over a year. For most of our lessons via skype he was unable to effectively show me what I was doing wrong but I feel like I'm seeing it now. 

Now it's just a matter of changing these bad habits, stop letting my hand float above the bridge, etc... 

I got in some good practice time today after having a pretty good night hanging out at Brandon's. I hit him up yesterday because I didn't have work today and wanted to get out of the house. Katelynn was at Lee's Tahitian with Zach but I didn't feel like driving anywhere after I got to Brandon's house. We ended up walking down to the 7-11, getting a couple 40's and watching Django Unchained. 

This is a really good movie. I did find out something horrifying and disgusting by watching this video that they didn't teach us in school. Back before the Civil War some of the rich slave owners had a hobby comparable to today's "dog fighting" between two pit bulls. They show these scene where two men are fighting eachother to death. Isn't that the most fucked up, grotesque shit you've ever heard?

Brandon was like, "Yeah it's hard to believe like, white Americans did that..." I kind of chuckled at that but I know what he means. There's some part of me that feels the same way, though after learning about history of torture in Asian countries there's a huge part of me that is not surprised by the cruelty that has been imposed by humans... and the white man is no less guilty than any other race. 

So it's true, the civil war really was a tragic time. Slavery is disgusting and really shouldn't be taken lightly. I can definitely see why African American people still feel a divide and distrust toward white people even today because this was barely over 100 years ago. People in power do horrible things for their own advantage and satisfaction and people are full of greed. Life isn't fair at all and when a man gets in a position of power and feels impervious to consequence is when potential corruption begins to set in.  

Some people are just born into a life of suffering in comparison to the next and those of us that got lucky should have respect for our fellow man regardless of his or her circumstances. 

I suppose just like the reality of what happened to the Native Americans, dog fighting between slaves was something that wasn't talked about much in school. It's probably one of the most messed up things I've ever heard about in my life and do not plan to research the civil war further anytime soon. Awareness of history is always a good thing though. 

peace.

sitting home alone on a saturday?

I wish I was at the club dancing... kind of, though this would mean I'd feel nauseous tomorrow which wouldn't be worth it. Maybe tomorrow I will go out because I do not have work the day after tomorrow. I have work tomorrow so I won't drink tonight.

I am observing Ramadan by abstaining from both negative thoughts and drinking before work the next day.  Drinking does get more tempting during the summer when there's not as much to do.

I practiced guitar for about 80 minutes today. Could have done better but had sort of a sluggish day because I didn't feel like going anywhere or doing anything. The day started out with a text from my aunt trying to schedule family pictures around my sister and I's (plus my four cousin's) schedules. She had planned for July 17th which at the time was waaaay ahead of the date. Apparently my sister didn't get it off. Neither did I even if I requested it but I had just requested my thursdays to be off so beggers can't be choosers. I did get that so I'm happy, I have lessons on Thursdays and need that day to practice and hang out with no distractions.

I also put a bunch of guitar songs on a few lists. I'm trying to organize my tabs. Auuugh having some back pain, going to bed, goodnight guys.

peace. 

work steadily getting more managable

I was reluctant for a long time to post my business school acceptance letter on facebook for some reason, so to be honest this sat on our living room floor since the 18th. I stuck in on my wall for a few minutes and found it was too stressful to see so I put it in the drawer.

Pretty much my entire life as I see it relies on this degree. It's my job these next probably two years to work my absolute hardest and do absolutely everything possible to get this damn degree. I was meditating on this last night and when I thought about school my emotions got kind of worked up and it stirred me out of meditation. That's how I know it's extremely important to me. But yeah you guys all know that. 

Looking at this also of course reminded me of Sipic (I seriously can't call him "Toni" on this blog, it's too informal. If we're ever like friends someday after I graduate I'll call him Toni but not now). Anyway I'm wondering how he's doing this summer. I'm wondering how his research went. He's doing a kind of cost-benefit analysis with marijuana, like he's seeing if the potency of the marijuana correlates with the cost of it and will be getting information from medicinal places all over California. Lol I'm sure he's doing research on a lot of other subjects too. I've think I've written about this before.... okay changing subjects now. Work.

Work is getting better. More because I'm getting the hang of my job and can focus more on getting the task at hand. I got a credit application yesterday so I was really happy about that, I'm trying to stay off this list of people that have zero. Right now I think I've done 3. So yay! I'm getting faster at folding too. Maybe I won't quit. If I do get a second job though that'd be okay for like 8-10 hours a week. I haven't made any money this summer honestly. 

Anyway i'm gonna practice. 

peace. 

Got rescued yesterday

Goodmorning everyone.

Wiley S. is the freaking best. 

I think I failed to mention yesterday that I'd locked my keys in the van and I was frantically looking on facebook to find someone to give me a ride home back from A Sharp to get an extra key. I probably haven't talked to Wiley face to face since highschool and even then we weren't like buddy-buddy but I've always considered him a down to earth, good guy. Anyway he came and picked me up in his nice ass new black truck that he got like two weeks ago. I paid him $8 for the ride but I'm having a feeling he's the type of person that would come rescue someone for free (lol but I'm not a freeloader and it was my dumbass fault so regardless of who was giving me a ride I was gonna pay gas money). 

I just wanted to make sure to mention this because it was like a random act of kindness and that doesn't happen much in the world. Good karma for you!

I had some of the weirdest dreams last night about his friend Courtney. We had talked about her on the way home because it's one of his closest friends. They went to the coast together recently. Courtney was with this guy Colton L. that sort of hit up on me my sophomore year. They were together for a long time, probably over a year, and they broke up recently and he found another girlfriend. Blegh that's the worst when you care about someone and they break up with you and rush into something else. It's super painful because it makes you wonder if they were talking to that person before. Men suck.

__________

And on a totally unrelated note... 

Mamie White from the Wonderful Whites of West Virginia is trying to get a show together. Jesco has been on facebook asking for donations and says they're "short on time." I wonder why they're short on time.. Maybe they got ahold of the producers from the movie and they're saying they're partially responsible for the funds if they want to do a sequel. 

I don't know about a whole television series for the Whites but a follow up documentary would be nice. I'm wondering if Kirk relapsed or if she went through with treatment and is able to see her baby. Sue Bob's son Brandon Poe is probably still in prison so I'd like to see a clip from their visitation and see if Brandon regrets going on that all night rampage. 

I have work today at 2 and plan on getting ready quickly so I can get straight to my guitar. My shift is from 2-9 so luckily I'll still have some time to practice afterward. 

peace. 

Drinking wastes time and makes people sick

I was thinking a little earlier about how long I wanted to play guitar before I was able to fully dedicate myself and how happy I am that I've gotten to this point. I had my lesson today and had a really stressful week and so I was really happy to see Jake. He is so intelligent, direct and usually knows the correct logical perspective on all of my problems that I've ever told him about.

Like don't get me wrong, 99% of our lesson is just spent working. Any time that is not spent working is because I'm the one that's wasting time blabbing on about something because I want to get his advice on something. Lol he's not getting paid to listen to my problems or give me advice on anything.

But I really am going to take his advice on alcohol. He used to drink when he was in his earlier 20's and had a bunch of crazy shit happen like most people. Anyway he doesn't drink now because he says that it's just something that hinders progress and I think he's totally right. Like I could only play guitar for 40 minutes today, and the past few days I've been feeling better so there's no reason that I shouldn't be making 2 hours at least.

I need to know Master of Puppets like the back of my hand in 6 weeks and I've been making progress but seeing the speed that I need to have it at intimidates me. God, why did I decide to do such a difficult song? I'm going to put myself through boot camp practice the next week not only to escape some negative thinking that has dwelled on me this last week but also kind of recenter.

I took my probably one and only excusable day off work today. Last night I went out and felt so sick all night I couldn't move this morning. I've decided to never drink on a day before a work shift ever again. I know it's something that people just have to learn but with the medication that I'm on (Prozac) I feel that the alcohol has more sedative effects than the average person... like I get realllly tired when I drink. I have a good time and I'm usually quite attentive to what people are telling me but alcohol doesn't make me more talkative or confident in that sense.

Tomorrow I work at like 2. Jcpenny is becoming less stressful for me the more that I work there but it still blows working in kids. At least on the weekends they're more busy so it'll be more interaction with people versus mindless folding and sorting. Blegh, that's no fun for me. I've found that the task of dealing with clothes itself is much more obnoxious to me than other aspects like the fact that I'm not around any of the people I'd made friends with at work earlier. That's fine, though, it's a job and I shouldn't be able to make demands like what department I should be working in. But the second I get a new job I'm getting the hell out.

I feel really awkward asking people if they need help finding things because honestly my guess is as good as theres-- most people are just browsing around and don't have a set thing in mind. I have had a really hard time memorizing where stuff is because again, attention to detail.... It's probably just for the best that I look like I know what I'm doing, smile at people a lot, etc and everything will be fine. At least I hope so.

Today I was able to get a much needed errand done and reaped the reward of my paycheck. I'm caught up with guitar lesson payments until the end of the month. I get paid on the 19th. Alrighty then, good! I just need to focus on guitar... I feel like drinking once a week this past few weeks has made me very disoriented and lose focus on what's really important.


peace. 

meshuggah take me away from this damned place in my mind

Today's been pretty unproductive because I lost my wallet so I couldn't deposit my check or apply to any jobs without my social. I've been feeling quite unmotivated and depressed so I wasn't able to find my wallet but I was lucky enough that my Mom found it in the van so I should be able to get a couple apps done tonight. 

Life has been kind of hard for me lately so I've been sleeping a lot. I didn't end up talking to that guy Eric again. In fact I sent him a text this morning that said "Well I thought it'd be cool to get to know eachother but clearly we're not on the same page, goodbye." No response. I hate texting, it just leaves people hanging. Fuck I shouldn't have let myself feel that happy that night because it's made the past few days even harder. I don't know how I could have prevented myself from it.... He seemed so perfect. I don't know him though, at all. 

My heart just hurts. And my head's been sick with this bad cough... My parents have been mad at me and my car isn't working very well. I hate my job right now. It's just a lot of things have me very sad with my life right now. 

I'm lucky that my feelings have been very numbed by the prozac this summer but I definitely haven't been completely happy. I think the reality is that I will never feel 100% happy until I find someone because it's just impossible to be 100% content with being alone, as much as I try to suppress my emotions in that respect because my soul has been raked over hot coals time and time again that I just don't want to do it anymore....But it's human nature to keep some glimpse of hope there when someone comes around that you really like because they showed interest in you.

There just has to be an end to that pain somewhere. But not today, probably won't be tomorrow, and maybe not for a very long time. I just have to try to make myself as happy with my friends and hobbies as humanly possible, which I do. But there's still a part of me that is very tortured by love, which should be no surprise to anyone with my history.

I'd like to think the reason I have such bad luck is because men are intimidated by my guitar playing or intelligence. These are two things that I thought would help me attract someone but I think it honestly makes it worse. Men hate the risk of being shown up at anything, especially by a girl. Being a male guitarist turns girls on because it can make any douchebag have the confidence of a rockstar. Being a female guitarist.. especially one that plays metal... is just weird. But that's me and I'm happy with myself and I'm willing to wait for someone that appreciates me for me...

I actually haven't listened to metal in awhile because I felt like things in my life were changing but they're really not. I give up, I can't listen to music about love because I can't relate to it, I have to listen to music about primarily death, pain, killing and war because it satisfies an emptiness that manifests in the root of my soul.  For the past few weeks I tried listening to lots of mainstream artists like Beyonce.. I cannot connect with these songs about love at all.

Okay here's something a little less depressing. Sorry guys. You know me I just have to write it out to feel better. 

This weird kid drove up and down my road in his truck about 100 times today for no apparent reason. He was like practicing "peeling out" or something (I think that's what it's called when you whip your vehicle around and try to make noise with it....). It was so strange though. I actually texted Troy C. like "Are you seeing this?" Ha ha ha. He's like "Yeah I have no idea what the f*ck he's doing!!!" 

He kept stopping at random places in the street to take a drink of his waterbottle, wave at someone or check his phone. This is when he stopped in front of our mailboxes. 

Anyway this was really entertaining for me today just because it was funny and pissing my dad off. 

peace.

4 days... : (

...Is how long it takes for a guy to not talk to you for you to realize that he's not interested in continuing contact more than likely. At least in previous experience that's what I've found... like if you text a guy and he doesn't text you back and it's been 4 days that usually means it's a done deal. The only exception to that is Terry because he'll text me once or twice a month. 

I swear to God Terry only really hangs out with other men... 

Terry has been making it seem like he wants to see me this week... Like he's sent me a couple texts saying I "should come up there this week." Well with an invite like that how could I say no! ...Kidding, honestly driving to Ellensburg to see Terry has been one of the last things on my mind this summer. With our history of poor communication and being around eachother only once or twice a month at school... I just figured there was no way that plan would be a plan we could actually execute. And it hasn't yet. 

Eric doesn't seem to want to communicate with me because he hasn't talked to me at all for about 4 days now. I did text asking where he worked but he didn't respond so I'm just having a feeling he doesn't want to get to know me and that this was a 1 night thing (*"not a one night stand", just 1 night of being around this person). More than likely he's got a girlfriend or something, who knows. I know nothing about him really aside from what I saw on the outside, and the people I'd come to his house with seemed to barely know him either. Like Terrance went to highschool with him or something but they just seemed like acquaintances. 

So yeah, that's been a little disappointing. I didn't mean to develop a crush like that but it has been sucking some of my motivation.

I did apply to office max today which is good. Got that taken care of and tomorrow I plan to hand deliver a few applications. I needed to take a day to rest today so I didn't. It's only 10' but I've already accomplished more than an hour of solid guitar practice and I'm going to make it an early night. I want energy tomorrow for getting these applications done. 

I've had this awful mucus-y cough lately that makes me sound like a 90 year old smoker. This black girl that I work with at JCpennies told me to "cover my cough because diseases can spread around here." I know she's right but I feel like she doesn't really like me like most people I'm working with in my department which sucks. 

I did get ahold of one of the nice managers at Office Max today and they have been reviewing applications for a new hire. I'm also planning on applying at Target tomorrow and maybe Craft warehouse. I don't know if there's a Staples in the tri cities but I could apply there too. All these places seem like totally reasonable, easy minimum wage cashiering jobs with way less stress than what I've been dealing with now. 

I like this pic of Sam, she posted it today

I would love to work at office max because I'd be there with Samantha who's never caused me stress in my life. I rarely see her anymore so it'd be awesome to work together. Lol I'd love if she was the one to show me how to do everything at work. The training there shouldn't be as confusing as all the bells and whistles on JCP's system. 

peace. 

Beginning job search tomorrow. Ha ha ha I'll tell you guys what.

I don't like it at JCpennies at all.

 It's too exhausting for me. The environment puts a lot of stress on me that I don't want... It's so fast paced and tiring... F*ck I worked until 12 am you guys. In KIDS. When all of my friends that I've met there are working down in dresses where it's obvious I should be working. I don't think my coworkers in kids like me very much at all. Most of my customers there don't speak English, it's super hard to get these "findmore" things and answer questions about products I know nothing about.... it's so frustrating you guys. I work hard and hate feeling like I'm messing up. This job is just not worth the stress.

I don't know, call me a spoiled brat if you will. This environment is just not for me.

Like I'd much rather be working in a slower paced work environment where organizing is not complete chaos. Because that's honestly what working at JCpennies feels like to me because you have racks and racks and racks of clearance stuff that's unorganized and you're expected to organize it by size and color and style... it's so bad!!! It's so overwhelming for me, omg I hate it! Ha ha ha!!! There, I said it. And I think I deserve to find a different work environment that works better for me.

I got my paycheck today.... $184. I have been more sick and exhausted these past three weeks that seeing those small pins was a major disappointment. I could be making minimum wage at a much less physically taxing job.

Tomorrow I'm going to apply to all of the craft and office supply stores in the tri cities. Seriously. I am that determined to get out of this situation because I feel like it's taking a tole on my sanity quickly. That's why I haven't even been writing that much because I've been too stressed out. Too stressed to write, how is that even possible. I haven't even been sleeping well.

Sigh... Goodnight you guys... I'm glad I was able to realize how much this job was wearing on me already... Please wish me luck on finding another arrangement as quickly as possible.

peace. 

Woah, where the hell did you come from..

Yesterday at BC fireworks show

I've had a pretty interesting last couple days. I'm kind of excited to tell my few dedicated blog readers about this because I've been pretty quiet about it otherwise.

The other night I went out to the Parkade for karaoke night with Ashleigh. I had worked a couple days beforehand and I was ready to have fun and drink a little bit but I didn't expect I'd actually meet anyone at the bars. Anyway came in and it was really packed so we grabbed one of the tables towards the back near the pool tables. There was ONE bartender working.... She was absolutely swamped so we were patient. But the bad singing made me want a drink pronto.

I went up to the bar and actually only stood there for about 5 minutes before I got my first corona light. About half an hour after we got there two really cute kind of hispanic looking guys and their A. American girl friend came in.   I thought one of them was especially cute because he was tall, had light-olive undertone skin, dark hair, kind of Asian looking eyes... Lots of my favorite things, ha ha ha. Anyway shortly after they came in we'd switched tables to closer to the front. I have to admit I was sort of trying to catch glimpses at him from that point and wasn't as talkative with the people I came with as I could have been. My mind because kind of preoccupied.

Ashleigh was trying to get me to sing and I'm like nope... nope... -look down at my phone to check the time to see when karaoke was over... nope..

Taylor H., her boyfriend Jace and Terrance met us at the bar at around 12'. Ashleigh and I had walked to the gas station to buy some munchies that I was dying for and by the time I got back the cute guys had left. I sat back down at the table and drank a big glass of Angry orchard. 

The more I drink the more I want to dance. 

Ashleigh told me we were going to go to Jack Didley's after karaoke finished at 12 which was cool, I wanted to watch Ashleigh sing again anyway because she sings country and all the bar girls get into it, ha ha ha. Anyway after she sang I left the Parkade with this guy named George who knows Kinbri. I was really interested to talk to him because he knew what happened to this guy Collin that disappeared for awhile. Annnnyway...

We walked to Jack Didleys, I'd forgot my ID, then we had to walk back to the Parkade again to get my ID.... 

Then I proceeded to dance my ass off and have a fantastic time with Bradley H. I'm sure I've mentioned Bradley before.. He's a really sweet, fun, kinda flamey gay guy who's studying at the beauty academy in town. Anyway he came with some of his beauty school friends and we had suchhh a fun time drinking and dancing for awhile. I saw Rose B. there too, her son Rayne just turned 4. 

I did meet this other guy, I think his name was Luis or something. Normal baseball hat wearing, "white t" kind of guy. I didn't have any intention of leaving with him but I'd lost my friends so we danced for awhile. He was nice and bought me a water bottle but yeah... I was just planning on going back to Ashleigh's house and crashing for the night after the club closed. I actually got invited to a couple parties by these rapper looking guys while I was at the bar who saw me dancing to "Black and Yellow" and said I was good. ha ha ha I was honored

So fast forward. Almost 2 am, I'm pretty buzzed and wondering where my friends that I'd came with that hadn't stuck around the club very long. They had gone back to drink more beer at the Parkade and when I came back I noticed Terrance was talking to the girl that the guys had come in with. They were all standing outside the bar with Ashleigh, Steven, etc... smoking cigarettes.

I walked up and I was actually too shy to talk to the guy I'd noticed earlier initially so I introduced myself to his friends. The girl's name was TK. The other hispanic guy that they'd come with left but there was now a bald Croatian guy with a beard that was chilling with them. I'd talked to them for about 30 minutes before I actually met Eric (the cute one I'd been checking out all night) who's house we were going to after the bars closed.

Ashleigh, Steven and I loaded up into his car and we headed over to Pasco where Eric's house is. Steven was kind of pissing me off because he was like "Well I'm glad you're hooking up with this guy instead of that guy you were dancing with." I'm like "What? I don't hook up with anyone." Which is true. I was just dancing at the club and having a good time, it doesn't mean anything. 

But we did go to Eric's freaking nice house that he lives in on his own (he's 26), drank a little more, hung out there for awhile... I was pretty stoked because Eric was like flirtatious with me and I just thought he seemed intelligent so I was just trying to play it off as cool as I could so he didn't get the wrong first impression or something.

The people I came with stuck around until about 5 in the morning after Eric and I had actually laid down. I didn't sleep at all that night. I just kind of laid there with my eyes closed with a lot of things going through my mind. Like what I was going to do the next day for 4th of July and how I was going to go back to Ashleigh's to get my car the next day..... and stuff like that.... 

But yeah, Eric is really cool and I'd like to see him again. He seems really confident, beautiful smile, he's half Columbian and speaks Spanish. He obviously has hobbies just by looking around his house like snowboarding and 4-wheeling. That and he's 26 which probably means he's got his shit together. Yeah, crossing my fingers we'll see what happens.  

peace.