The more I think about this the more it makes me sick....

Well it was confirmed today, lessons with A Sharp are officially over.

I got an email back in response to my final plea, which was denied, saying that the decision was final but they "enjoyed having me as a student..." So in my mind I'm just thinking why, why did this happen to me, I don't feel like I did anything to deserve it. I mean aside from the messaging on facebook thing, which clearly pissed him off more than I'd realized.

Should I just have used the email in the first place? Yes. Am I angry at myself for having done this? Yes. But I guess at the time I just didn't think it was that big of a deal. It probably would have been better if Jake and I weren't friends on facebook in the first place because I think that was a source of more problems than I even realized. Again nothing I ever said to him on facebook was even conversational-- it was always just a question about lessons or clarification on what time something was.

I just know there has to be a number of reasons Jake just let me go like that. I don't feel like this late payment was that huge of a deal considering I'd paid at the same time previously every month and they had just started this automatic payment system. I'd been a customer of there's for nearly two years and never skipped out on paying. In fact I was always very clear about when I would be paying with Jake and he would brush it off like it wasn't a big deal.


Michael told me to try to appreciate the experience for what it was and move on; pretty much the same advice I'd give someone if they just got out of a relationship. The pain I'm experience feels a lot like a breakup because having lessons was this consistent thing in my life that brought me so much happiness and sense of accomplishment. It helped pull me from the dark depression and insecurity that choked me for so many years. Being a guitarist has given me more of an identity as a human being and released a lot of deep rooted self hatred and jealousy that always existed.

I just need to remember that not having lessons takes none of that away from me. I will still improve if I continue to practice every day and work hard. I will take lessons from other instructors in the future that will help me broaden my knowledge. When that will be though I can't tell you. Maybe in the summer, maybe not for quite awhile.

There's not much I can say to curb my current sadness from this situation. 

But like anything else, I'll move on. 

peace. 

Intelligence beyond your age is incredibly sexy

Afternoon.

Well I'm happy for two reasons. First, I've qualified for an unexpected tax return so I'll be getting a few hundred bucks for free next week, thanks government. Secondly my mom is coming up so I'll have company in a couple hours. My house is still kind of a cluttery mess but I'm picking it up little by little and it's coming around. I cleaned my bathroom the other day and picked up all the dirty clothes off my bedroom floor so that's a major plus. My problem with keeping things clean in the family room is the mass amount of papers I own and try to keep track of between tabs and returned schoolwork...

Last night was a late one, like most Monday nights. Michael came over for the first time in a week or so and we got a solid hour and a half of studying in. Michael (as I've mentioned before) has the privilege of doing a workstudy with Sipic doing really complex math and learning how to use advanced regression model programs (...and here I am just figuring out how to input data to excel, and he's 19). Soo of course every time he's here I ask him about it.

I was doing the dishes yesterday Michael was  proofread one of his papers when he started b*tching to me about his choppy writing style. I'm like "Shut up, Europeans just write like that... They're more too the point and don't waste time."**  (**Okay I have no clue if this is true or not... my only evidence for this is my experience having read Mein Kampf and Hitler wasn't even a good writer)

 So he started reading some of Toni's work that he was trying to dissect out loud and my jaw dropped, listen to this crazy sh*t.....

"The main mechanism through which disasters lead to policy outcomes is the increased salience of the issue with the public which may lead to political responses to increased demand for mitigating policies."

"...This result largely captures the requirement for MARPOL to enter into force in at least 15 countries with combined merchant fleet of no less than 50 percent that of the worlds fleets..."



Blaghh he's just way too freaking brilliant to be in his early 30's. I told Michael it was like poetry to my ears, ha ha ha. Okay I'm going to get back to cleaning before my mom gets here.

 peace.

Pretty open and shut obvious.

Well today was a really productive, relaxing day up until this evening when I checked my e-mail to see that Jake had gotten back to me.

As expected a couple invoices and warnings had been received through my electrictrictric email but because MSN is a b*tch and for some stupid reason is convinced that I am not really me and won't let me back in I did not receive any of these messages. I did get a call from Andrew a little over a week ago asking me to opt in to an automated payment system. I told my Mom about this and she said she couldn't do that right now and would pay him a little later. I didn't think about it and Jake hadn't mentioned it to me at the beginning of February so I figured we were going to pay him in the second week of February as usual. 

He attached the two warning emails he sent to my currently unusable email. He told me that because of this disruption we're going to discontinue lessons. This hurt me a lot because had I have known it was such an inconvenience of course I would have made more of an effort to get it paid at the first of the month. 

I feel really forsaken and sad. I was really starting to improve at Turkish March and was excited envisioning how incredible it would sound by the recital in May. Now that this has happened I feel even more determined to learn it but disappointed that I won't have a recital to perform it at. Now I guess it's up to me to sign up for open mic nights and things like that if I want to perform. 

Jake taught me so much... In a lot of ways he's helped me build the confidence to get where I am today. I can't thank him enough for how much I've improved on the guitar, time management, and coping with life. The thought of no longer having that mentor in my life was what broke me down today most of all. But maybe it's time. Maybe I've gotten all out of lessons with Jake that I can. 

Plus I still have of the material he's sent me over the passed couple years. Some of it I had no use for a year ago but I bet I could crack it now. I can continue to improve without taking lessons for awhile and eventually move on to a new teacher. 

I did send one final plea earlier to try to resolve this but I know deep down it's time to accept that it's over, not only because I know how Jake is when he makes up his mind about something but because I know that there's more to this than what's on the surface. I know it bothers his girlfriend that we talk at all-- I mean I can see why, I'm gorgeous, intelligent, talented musician and physically fit. And nice. Finding a girl that likes metal is cool but one that plays metal is like finding a f*cking unicorn. But I have zero interest in Jacob romantically and have never flirted or anything like that. I really wanted to befriend his girlfriend from day 1 because I wanted her to be able to see my character and that I would not go there. (But I think seeing my character somehow made her hate me more, ha ha ha... )

Whatever happens, happens. All I know is I'm going to sleep well tonight because I did a good job finishing my management assignment early and tomorrow I've got my favorite class. I think I should also try to meet up with Sipic if I can get up early enough. He said he's got a plan to squeeze in a business minor with my economics degree-- I think it means I've gotta take some supply chain in the Fall... easy!

"Back straight, eyes forward, shoulders back."
My mom told me this is how you walk with confidence and should do so all the time.
I've been reminding myself to do this all week to improve posture and hopefully after awhile it will be second nature.

peace. 

I-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-t do you know what that mean

I decided early this evening that I'm getting out of my damn apartment tonight if my life depends on it. As you guys know my last few weekends in Ellensburg have been somewhat of a drag. This weekend will be different though. First I'm meeting my friend Daniel at 8:30 pm then meeting some other friends to play pool at the tav so it should be a fun night. 

Man I got ANOTHER shitty grade on my management homework! That's the third assignment in a row (the first being the paper that was 38/50 because I wrote it at the last damn minute, then my last discussion board assignment where I logged in so late I couldn't post a response and got 1/4 and this week I got the response but posted my first article an hour too late and got 2/4, shit!). Grr, I'm developing bad habits in that class because I've been kind of depressed and have been spending almost all of my time online uselessly. 

Tomorrow I'm going to get myself back on track to finish off strong in that class. I'm going to go to the library and bring a binder to compile all future assignments and figure out what I've gotta get done and when it's due so that I don't keep screwing up. It's not a hard class, management is important, and the only reason I've been doing bad is because I'm procrastinating and sleeping in too damn late! 

I'm drinking a lot of water and won't be drinking hard alcohol tonight at all, just a little beer, whatever. I just need to get out tonight. I feel this week has been rather useless but I'm going to make a solid effort to do better next week. That's all you can do, just move forward. A number of things made me sort of sad/frustrated this week that made it hard to focus, like Carl's suicide and this weird situation with Jake. Still no word from him yet. I know I need to call the shop but I'm nervous too because I'm afraid it's bad news. 

Clearly I've been doing a lot of avoidance which will not help me. 

Oh! Good news, I guess "reason to celebrate"....

  I got an A on second my econ midterm!!! 

This calls for another twerk gif. 

Goodnight guys. 

peace. 

Biggest party of the year.... ((Radcon 2014))

Damn, it's been a week. I've certainly got a lot to say. *That being said this could be quite long.

That being said I'll start with today and go backwards. Radcon was good, as was valentines day and I'd like to leave on a good note. I've got a few pictures from the con that didn't make the cut on my facebook but I'll show you here as well.

Today has been pretty crappy for a number of reasons. When I came back from home in B.C. I brought a bottle of Monarch vodka (really cheap, shitty stuff.. and I'm not even a vodka fan), you know, for the occasional boring night. Yesterday happened to be one of those days after completing an econ exam and having no homework. I took a couple shots of it while I snacked around the house and then I biked to the gym. There I worked out for a couple hours before returning to cook dinner (because of course I was starving after working out) and went over to my neighbors house around 9. There I hung out and drank a little more, apparently enough to make me pretty hungover this morning.

It's funny I thought for a minute I was impervious to hangovers but obviously cheap liquor and I don't mix. Also I know it probably doesn't look great for me to be drinking on a wednesday night, but for those of you that don't know I don't have classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays this quarter which is giving me way too much spare time. I've just gotta keep applying to jobs. I checked a Subway that my friend Kate told me she knew the manager of and said she thinks they'd be hiring. The manager said they weren't and didn't know Kate so I'm wondering if she meant a different one in town.

Another reason today was hard was that Jacob wasn't online for our lesson again. Last week I figured he was having problems with Skype, but I've seen him online throughout this week so now I'm wondering if something else is going on. Last week I posted a status that said: "Here's to another f*ck valentines day!" and Jake's girlfriend immediately commented "I love valentines day : )" (like "I have a boyfriend on valentines day and you don't, ha ha") I kind of cracked up because my friend Brad "liked" it,  it was so snide and obvious. Anyway I ignored it and didn't think anything of it really. Come to find out today she deleted me on facebook (fine, whatever I don't really know you anyway)..... but then Jake doesn't show up for my lesson? I'm hoping to God the two events have nothing to do with eachother, and knowing Jake there is a reasonable explanation.

Okay let's move onto a happier subject, shall we? Radcon. Sunday and Monday aren't really worth talking about much because they were mainly spent recovering from this event. Luckily Monday was presidents day so I didn't have class. Sh*t this quarter has enabled me to have too much fun. Partying this weekend did come with a price, though.. I didn't do well on a recent management assignment because I slept in too late on Monday and I'm starting to wonder what I'm getting in that class. I need to buckle down and finish strong so I don't end up with some "C" on my report card.

I tried calling Johnathan when I got to the con but he wasn't picking up his phone. I was running sort of late (got there at around 5:30 pm when I'd originally planned to be there at 2... ha ha that day I'd slept in at Connor's house until 1) but my mom helped me get ready and looking pretty fabulous. My Batgirl costume was a hit and I was getting compliments from strangers immediately. 

My evening at the con started out at the Grizzly Bar (being 22 and old enough to drink at the con for the first time that's a big shocker, right..?). I hadn't planned on spending almost all of my money within the first couple hours but the entry pass was $40 and I had to put $20 in my tank. With $40 for the rest of the event I figured it'd be a bad idea to blow the better half of $10 on a fancy mixed drink so I ordered a beer on tap. It wasn't long before a guy dressed as darth vador walked up and started talking to me. 

He turned out to be a friend of Kate R. so I joined their table and had a great time catching up with her. Kate is a really sweet, positive person in my life. She's one of the few girls I can say really trust and has been chill with me since day 1 back in highschool. Her friend bought us a couple rounds of beers, that was really nice! 

Shortly after leaving the bar I saw my regular radcon crew. I say this because we usually hang out and dance together every year. Rhiannon and I would always do a lot of mingling with people and I was always keeping an eye out for Jay. Jay wasn't there this year but I did see his friend Griffin and a lot of the other people I knew from CBC back in 2010. Jay wasn't on my mind at all this year, that time we spent together this summer was a dud and that was the end of it for us. 

Rhiannon and I didn't hang out this year as much as previous years, I was more all over the place and didn't stick with one group of people for long. We did all dance together at the rave though, that was a good time. The DJ didn't many radio songs, it was more techno remixes. I danced and twerked my ass off, I was there to have fun and had a good buzz going. Dancing for a few hours kind of took that buzz away though and around 1:45 am I was ready for a shower and lay down. 

I got to the room and there was a TON of people in there... I was like wooah and was looking for a place to change. I moved my stuff under the sink and started pulling a change of clothes out when Zach's brother and a tramp push passed me to have sex in the bathroom. I ending up changing clothes in the closet. You know me, I hate wet, yucky clothes and I didn't want to change where anyone could see me. Afterward I began the difficult process of removing my eyemakeup that was practically glued on while I overheard the chaos in the bathroom continue. 

I went back into the main room where there was still drinking and a couple guys doing tabs. I'm like uhh, is this a smoking room? They were asked to leave pretty shortly after. There was another guy that stayed in our room not pictured here that was really pissed off about the people  that came to our room and kept on cursing and going on about it over and over so finally I'm like "Shut up dude, who cares they're gone!" He had this sort of "wiseguy" attitude about him and I thought he was a complete idiot. 

I was lucky I came in when I did and didn't stay until the end of the rave because I was able to claim a bed. At this point John and Andrew's brother were completely drunk, passed out on the next bed. I claimed the spot on the bed next to John's friend Zach and I'm so glad I did because of course nobody brought extra bedding. Poor Andrew did not have a comfortable night. Red Lions beds are fabulous, they're like sleeping on a marshmallow. 

Before bed some of us that were still up went downstairs to get pie at 3:14 am (3.14, pie, get it..? hehe...). I love cherry pie, it was delish. Great ending to a great night. 

Sunday morning I was able to pick out a neat snake necklace from my favorite jewelry vendor-- I think Black Cat Jewelry and Crafts is the name of the vendor. Anyway they have a load of cool necklaces to pick from and I've made it a tradition to buy one every year. Last year I got that celtic cross which I realized was way too masculine and pagan looking after wearing it out a few times. This year I got this beautiful, elegant snake. I'll have to get a picture wearing it one of these days. 

And last but not least how I spent valentines day. Hot tubbing and watching the Matrix with one of my  best buddies. I wouldn't want it any other way, bah haha....

peace. 

You gotta get off your ass and work, b.....

Today was alright.

I was super amped when I came to class this morning. Terry, Kevin and I discussed what classes we are all taking and we're going to be together in two. They are taking Public finance next quarter which I already took with Sipic. They're taking it with Ghosh. Taking that class with Sipic was super beneficial because it required us to write a professional paper that could be uploaded on LinkedIn. I've been able to improve my profile on there and it's made applying for jobs easier.

One of the North Korean women sent to stage a picnic date for the Danish performers. 

She looks about my age though has undoubtedly experienced tragedy, fear and starvation like I could never imagine. Because this documentary was made fairly recently (2009) I'd assume she's still alive, but things have gotten so much worse over in the DPRK they're sending practically anyone to the gulags so you don't know. 

After class I spent my afternoon watching Netflix documentaries, one of which being the North Korean documentary "The Red Chapel" that I hadn't seen in awhile (yes, I've seen it on numerous occasions...). It's about two Danish-Korean comedians that team up with a journalist and enter North Korea to learn more about the forbidden state. Like any other foreigner to enter the DPRK they were taken on an over the top tour of the showcase capital city and met with a number of North Koreans in staged situations, one of them being a picnic in the park with about 25 "beautiful ladies" (okay I'm not saying they're not pretty, I'm just saying that's how the North Koreans staged it to the tourists..). 

And that barely even scratches the surface of what bizarre things occur in this country. It's again, a complete tragedy and I still pray for democracy and justice in North Korea. 

Anyway.... 

I just need to stop thinking about my own issues and think about finding a way to make money. 

I applied for a few jobs around campus and plan to do more tomorrow. I couldn't find much on Craigslist or monster.com aside from caregiving jobs, which I did apply for but I'm assuming they'd prefer someone with a CNA certification. I'm a caring, patient person that could handle an assistant living job. Plus Hell my aunt Traci's been doing it for years. 

Tomorrow's thursday which means no class.. I'm planning to play a lot of guitar, study, go the gym, guitar lesson, clean bathroom, apply for more jobs....

Night.

peace. 

Screw you valentines day, I'm going home!

Mad respect. 

The ones that have really mastered it appear to have feet that fly across the floor. 

Wow, I just watched the most incredible documentary. 

Irish dancing isn't something you hear about much in the US. When you see the sequined dresses, extravagant makeup and pincurled hair it almost seems reminicent to beauty pageants but when you realize how much talent these kids have it blows your mind and doesn't compare.  If you have netflix check out the documentary titled "Jig."

What I think makes this dance form so respectable is that the judging is incredibly objective. Smile, looks and personality are always part of the desired total package in any dance competition but Irish dance is judged primarily on accuracy. Each competitor has a different set of judges that are not even allowed to communicate to one another to ensure fairness. 

Uhm, let's see. Today's Tuesday. I did my discussion board assignment for management and practiced my guitar a solid hour. I had a really late start today because I was unable to sleep last night. I've been kind of depressed off and on. I don't like valentines day at all. Every year valentines day reminds me of the guy that I like and the girl that he's out having a fabulous time with. 

While Terry's with his Californian bimbo I'll be back home in the tri cities this weekend. Luckily Radcon is also valentines day weekend so I'll forget about it. This year Radcon should be quite interesting. I'm going with my friend Jonathan and helping volunteer for a couple hours at the front desk. That'll be great because I'll see all kinds of people in my catwoman costume. This year I'm also going to be prepared with a couple changes of clothes for the rave and stuff. 

Of course I'm sure I'll see Rhiannon! And lots of other tri cities people that I went to highschool with that I only see once a year at this thing... The nice thing about this year is because I'm volunteering I'm barely going to have to pay for anything. Every year this event has a way of draining my bank account so this year I'm going to prevent that by being more prepared and resisting impulse buys. I do of course intend to buy a a necklace from the jewelry vendor though. Gotta pick up my little souvenir. The one I picked last year was so ugly!!! 

peace.