Open relationships? Fuck that

What a horrible disappointment my last couple days have been.

I guess it's nothing new whenever I meet a guy I like. There's always some issue that keeps us from being together. This case was especially difficult because I had misjudged his intentions and what he was looking for. God, to be honest I don't even want to tell you guys about this because it just makes me sick but I know that doing so will make me feel better like always because it helps me put things into perspective.

This guy Ben that I met the other day is in an "open relationship," which basically means he has a girlfriend but they're allowed to hookup with and pursue other people. The first time I heard about this it made me feel uncomfortable. I wouldn't want to have to share someone with somebody. But then I realized how much Ben and I had in common and enjoyed eachothers company so I let it go. I figured the reason he was doing this is because he was looking for an upgrade from his current girlfriend, isn't that why people normally cheat? Because they're not as happy with the person that they're with and would rather find someone else?

Apparently not. Ben informed me today that he wasn't trying to date me because he's unhappy or has any intention of leaving his girlfriend. Instead he wanted to do it because "dating is fun" and him and his girlfriend both "like the experience" of being with other people. But with an understanding that he has no intention of ever leaving his girlfriend. I'm just like, what the f*ck is the point of that for me? You don't expect that if you're spending time and dating someone that they're not going to develop feelings for them and that it could become a very painful situation?

Apparently him and his girlfriend don't see it that way. 

And I know I probably sound like the most shallow person on earth right now but come on. Big nose, no jawline, small eyes, ears that stick out, red hair and unclean looking teeth-- oh plus her hair is Miley Cyrus short now on top of it which doesn't help. When he started pursuing me recently I didn't let the fact that he had a girlfriend bother me because I figured well duh, I'd be a huge upgrade. But then today after asking him questions about their life together I realized that he really does love her and I can't do anything to change that. And the more I spent time with him the more it bothered me until the jealous, competitive side started coming out which isn't a side I want anyone to see.

But yeah what a complete mind fuck that was. I'd never invest time or emotions in a guy that's in an open relationship. It just sucked because I thought he was really cute and seemed to really "get" me but I need to realize that he doesn't even know me and nothing about this reflects badly on me.

So have whatever you want buddy. You guys go be in love and be happy and serenade her with your  sappy acoustic love songs.

damn it I can't help but long for the day that I have a boyfriend that wants to play me sappy acoustic love songs. Or maybe one that can just be decent by showing me the kind of affection and appreciation that I'm dying for so badly. 

I have to be strong. I have to not let this kind of pain and confusion get under my skin. Part of me is just scared. Scared that I'll never find anyone that I'm truly attracted to that wants me back. I guess all I can do until then is make myself as intelligent, skilled, beautiful and rich as possible in order to make myself worthy of that person.

peace.

Screw you valentines day, I'm going home!

Mad respect. 

The ones that have really mastered it appear to have feet that fly across the floor. 

Wow, I just watched the most incredible documentary. 

Irish dancing isn't something you hear about much in the US. When you see the sequined dresses, extravagant makeup and pincurled hair it almost seems reminicent to beauty pageants but when you realize how much talent these kids have it blows your mind and doesn't compare.  If you have netflix check out the documentary titled "Jig."

What I think makes this dance form so respectable is that the judging is incredibly objective. Smile, looks and personality are always part of the desired total package in any dance competition but Irish dance is judged primarily on accuracy. Each competitor has a different set of judges that are not even allowed to communicate to one another to ensure fairness. 

Uhm, let's see. Today's Tuesday. I did my discussion board assignment for management and practiced my guitar a solid hour. I had a really late start today because I was unable to sleep last night. I've been kind of depressed off and on. I don't like valentines day at all. Every year valentines day reminds me of the guy that I like and the girl that he's out having a fabulous time with. 

While Terry's with his Californian bimbo I'll be back home in the tri cities this weekend. Luckily Radcon is also valentines day weekend so I'll forget about it. This year Radcon should be quite interesting. I'm going with my friend Jonathan and helping volunteer for a couple hours at the front desk. That'll be great because I'll see all kinds of people in my catwoman costume. This year I'm also going to be prepared with a couple changes of clothes for the rave and stuff. 

Of course I'm sure I'll see Rhiannon! And lots of other tri cities people that I went to highschool with that I only see once a year at this thing... The nice thing about this year is because I'm volunteering I'm barely going to have to pay for anything. Every year this event has a way of draining my bank account so this year I'm going to prevent that by being more prepared and resisting impulse buys. I do of course intend to buy a a necklace from the jewelry vendor though. Gotta pick up my little souvenir. The one I picked last year was so ugly!!! 

peace. 

Jack's new bag.

Check out Jack's new bag.

Look at that big nose on her! Nice thin lips too, just the way you like it. 

And I say "bag" in the most literal sense possible because this bitch literally looks 30. On top of that she looks HUGE. Guess I'm not tall and mammoth enough for him. Of course there's some picture of them together and that was the most recent post on Jack's thing. I can't say for sure if they're together, but knowing him she's probably the hottest thing since sliced bread right now.

So that's it! My first experience with love! Fell in love, got led on and ditched three times. That's a lovely romantic story I'll tell my kids someday; which hopefully will have a father that won't leave me and I'll tell them about how happy I was that I moved on. 

Because I have too. I might only have feelings for one person, but he doesn't have any interest in me back, clearly, or he'd be talking to me and not her. I decided that I'm not going to delete him from my facebook this time. Let him witness the cool stuff I've been up too lately if he gets bored and lonely again. I'm not going to talk to him though, ever. I've said what I need to say, I'm more at peace with myself now with him than I've ever been. I just don't want him talking to me again if he's going to do this, and to be honest I don't think I would... I can never trust his intentions again. 

If he wants to be with ugly girls now though that's his business, it's almost humorous now. She's going to age SO badly, hahahaha, seriously what the Fuck Jack! xD What are you thinking?  

Today I'm planning on going to the park to meet up with Michael Zhang. We're going to tan, maybe I'll make myself a passion tea or something. I haven't played my guitar yet but I played practically all day yesterday. I'll probably just play all evening. 

peace. 

Why blogging is therapeutic.

I really don't like all this site at times because of all the glitches. I wrote up a big long thing about radcon but the site logged me out and the draft didn't save. That being said I really don't feel like writing about it again.....

I really don't like this site because it's associated so much with the Google account. I discovered the other day that this stupid site made me a Google + account automatically when I registered, which I really don't appreciate because I don't want to use that site and it's hideous interface. I am really NOT looking forward to the day that computers no longer have a hard drive and all of your websites are interconnected so that if you upload something EVERYONE you know has easy access to it. Really kills any privacy online.

Yes, I could make this blog private and available to NOBODY but then it wouldn't have the same therapeutic properties. In order for blogging online to work you have to feel like you're expressing yourself to *someone*, even if it's the occasional stranger that stumbles upon your page.

Right now I'm at school. I already took my Visual basic test so I don't have to take it today. I really should get going and study some Japanese before my next class. I just really don't want to make bullshit smalltalk with anyone.

peace.