Let's make this next four weeks as painless as possible, shall we

I've got five minutes before my speech class.

Last night I prayed to God I could work really hard today. I asked him that my mind feel energized so I can get things done because I'm not feeling particularly comfortable about the statistics material right now. It's STILL taking time to click even if I've studied the material for about four hours in the last couple days. The day before the test is the only day that I skip in stats because he only reviews the old material which I can do from my apartment and get more retention for my time.

Granted I know that I can't teach myself this. I always feel like crap when I skip a class but if I actually study and use the time I feel okay about it. Today is one of those days. Chose to skip statistics because my attendance in speech isn't fantastic and I can't afford to skip that again. Speech class kind of drains me and I always want to take a nap afterward which is frustrating because the evening used to be prime guitar practice time for me while I make dinner.

I've tried to control this problem by letting myself relax in the late evening around 8'. Unfortunately what this can sometimes do is make it so that I'm going to bed too early.. Which I suppose is better than sleeping at 4 then waking up at 8, making myself dinner and studying until 11...

I'm always trying to get the perfect regime to make my life the least stressful. Shoot I gotta go to class, write later....(2:43 pm)


3:52 pm:

Today I threw up about 15 minutes after class started (rushed to the bathroom.. honestly I don't know how much longer I could have made it) because I took a prenatal on an empty stomach. They've good multi-vitamins but they can make you feel sick because of their potency levels.

Speech today wasn't bad I guess. There was this girl that did her presentation on her resort-vacation that she goes to during the summer, that was entertaining. What was probably more painful was that the MC was the Hawaiian girl today. She kept reading these completely inappropriate facts or bullshit statistics off her phone and I'm just sitting there trying to keep my head low. Whenever I listen to her I have to REALLY put on my Noh face... closed mouth smile, because I have to keep myself from cracking up.

So yeah uh.... That's definitely THE class I'm excited to be out of this quarter.

I signed up to do my persuasive speech first. The professor was watching if I'd do that and he's like "OHHH she did it!" and people started laughing. Going first ds ,oesn't bother me at all. Waiting for a bunch of other people to go is much more stressful for me because I start overthinking it.

I've got more than a week to get it done. Tomorrow I'm actually going to have to skip speech class to go to the "Bite of Insight" speech for the outside critiquing assignment. I feel like sending him an e-mail about my absence on that one because this is going to be the 4th day that I'm absent. I'd really not like to lose participation points in that class when it should be an easy A.

I'm going to go back outside and enjoy the sunshine and read over one of my stats chapters again before tomorrow's test. I want to do really well to make up for feeling like a dork for not getting the lab on Friday. It's totally my fault that I've fallen behind in the excel stuff because I've barely touched it outside of class. I'm really hoping there's not going to be an excel skill exam or anything at the end of the quarter because I would really need to get on figuring out what the hell I'm doing. It's a hard program in my opinion.

But everything in life is hard. I just need to work at it like anything else, won't come over night.

have I posted this before? Yes? No? Oh well. Took this screenshot awhile back, lol Peggy whipped out the "Funsaver."

Jack and I haven't talked since Saturday morning. This is expected because Jack doesn't really like texting. I wouldn't mind texting every so often but definitely not continually... Idk, he told me to download this app called SnapChat that you can send photos back and forth and they disappear in 3 seconds or something like that. My phone isn't compatible with it so until I get an upgrade I'm pretty sure we're not going to do that much communicating outside of when I spontaneously see him on the weekends.

And to be honest your guess is as good as mine whether or not I'll continue to see him because I like I've said this has happened so many times I just can't ask questions of what he's doing anymore. It's like when he came to my house on Friday night. He immediately held my hand when we walked outside. BUT it was 1 am. See it makes you wonder if he would act that way during the day time, probably not. Again I have no idea, we'll see what happens either way.

Wow I've been writing for an hour already. I haven't played guitar much all day because I've been studying a lot but I still plan too later this evening. 

alright I'll stop rambling

peace.

Sunday again. As I always say to you all, today could make or break the rest of my week.

I'm kind of worried about my ability to focus these next few weeks. Clearly I have a lot on a my mind... which I'm trying to push aside as much as possible to make room for more IMPORTANT things... Like hanging onto my A's for dear life because my Statistics grade could easily slip into a B at this point when I got a LAME grade (11/15) on the homework...

I looked like a complete moron in front of Sipic the other day when I asked him for help in the lab when I didn't realize at the time that I was too behind to get caught up. Kevin P. came over and sooo kindly walked me through the Excel assignment. That day my mind was completely unable to focus because Terry had frustrated me and I honestly had no idea Jack and I were going to actually hang out again.

I hope that Terry and I can continue to be competitive.. I'm just crossing my fingers that he doesn't make things awkward between us this week and that we can continue to compare grades because it makes me so pumped to work hard. If he stops doing this now it's going to be harder for me to get A's the rest of this quarter. I know it sounds crazy to a lot of people but this is really how my mind works.


I feel like I'm over Terry completely. He just doesn't want to study with me anymore which makes me sad and irritated. I wish we had never had any flirtatiousness toward eachother in the first place at this point just so that we can use eachother academically lol

 It just feels pretty nice to spend time with Jack again but I really just want to give him as much space as possible.

I got a good night sleep last night, didn't do anything aside from sit around practicing really. Allie said she was going to this game night thing so I thought maybe I'd be going to that with her (even if I hoped to God they weren't talking about board games... Have I ever told you guys that I hate board games? It doesn't matter in this case though, I just wanted to get out of my apartment, you know how it is.) but then she told me she was tired after getting home from watching Iron Man 3.

I don't care about seeing movies what so ever.
I don't care about watching TV series what so ever....

I have no doubt that King of Thrones is a good show. I'm sure if I sat down and watched it I would like it. But it's the step of actually figuring out what time the show is at and finding the time to watch it would be the problem.

Like I'm always hearing about King of Thrones and all these other series and I'm like... yeah I don't have time to sit down and get into a series like that. I think that's the reason that I've always liked cartoons is because it's only a half an hour and you don't have to really dedicate yourself to a plot. I've just never been into series shows... or books. I can't think of one entire series that I've read in my life.

I wonder if my patience will someday change in this respect.


Okay it's getting later, I need to think about what I'm going to do today. Here's a checklist:
-Hour of statistics practice questions online
Then guitar/reward...
-Hour of economics (2 chapters) online
Guitar again probably...
-Read speech assignment packet to figure out what the hell I'm supposed to be doing on this upcoming outside speech project.
-Hour of statistics reading...
-Hour of looking at Econ handouts

That's four hours of studying total. Yesterday I did 2 and a half so that was pretty good for a saturday. Guitar practice time is going okay but I'm getting a lot of progress now that I've started working with Guitar Pro 6 again

peace.

Let's reminisce. And some job updates.

Hello.

So I just got done with one of my main chores this weekend which was to deliver my resume/job application to the liquor store, as well as the Roadhouse, and then I also picked up a couple applications to deliver to WingCentral. It sucks not having a printer, I had to give the Liquor store people a copy of my resume that had another business's name scratched out.

I was hoping to see the manager today but I did talk to the man I'd talked to yesterday again. He said that they are planning on hiring a part time employee for the summer and I could potentially get more hours. Good, that's what I want. The more hours I can get this summer the more money I can make. There's a lot more earning potential for me here in Ellensburg then back in the tri cities because I don't have to drive nearly as much. That AND I'll be able to keep my place here...

Of course because I'm going to be working so much and still playing guitar I'm probably going to be a lot more busy and tired than I am right now with school. My schedule right now is actually pretty easy in comparison to the "real world." I only go to class 3 hours a day and then the rest is spent studying, playing guitar or messing around online.

Class registration for summer is tomorrow. Again I've decided not to take classes. I'm not in any race to graduate and have some investment planning job somewhere, I'm not ready for that right now because I need a better understanding of how businesses actually run in society.

So I'm really just crossing my fingers. If I can get this job part time as well as a hostess job I'll be set for this summer.

Last night me and Jack hung out. I'd gotten ready to go to a party with Allie at around 9' but ended up accidentally falling asleep... I guess I felt like meditating for a little while and... oops. Anyway I got a call from Jack at 1 in the morning, and he was walking around somewhere outside. He asked if I wanted to hang out, I said yes and unable comprehend directions of where he wanted to meet exactly he just ended up showing up here.

It's really too early to say what's going on in Jack's head at this point because I'm so shocked that we've hung out twice to be honest with you guys. It's just totally weird that we're suddenly hanging out and everything's cool after all this craziness. We had some really good talks yesterday about things, like about why things kept happening the way that he did..


I guess it just comes down to the fact that his friends back in Benton city always acted weird around me which is why we didn't really work out back then. He said this last night and I agree, they always did-- it's because I was never nice to them as kids. Like Jesse and Ryan... I was always kind of a snit because I was shy and they were always kind of mean to me when we were little. So as we got older things just continued to be that awkward between us, which is why I never came anywhere near his friends in highschool and when we hung out back then it was always really hush-hush which was really annoying to me.


The truth is however is I understand why he didn't want to bring me around people... I was kind of weird... and really negative. And a lot of that just comes from feeling insecure which a lot of people can read, and sophomore year when I met Jack was an especially bad year for me in general. I was dealing with..
 the fallout of the Chino relationship ending, 
...his psycho sister making those flyers about me, 
...Kandyce's friends gunning for me, 
...I took WELDING with Jessica S. and didn't have a partner in weight training that year
....Katharine and I weren't on good terms 
..so I was hanging out with Tony's GIRLFRIEND at lunch... (awkward)
...And the hot new foriegn girl in school that Jack wanted to get with and would ask me advice on how to get her.

2008 was a complete bitch, yet at the same time I remember dealing with it pretty well considering what was going on. Lol video games got me through that time pretty well...

This is the game I used to play continually that year and I guess it numbed my mind. 

peace.

Feel so strung out

I'm so frustrated with myself right now.

I got stuck on my statistics lab and wasn't able to complete it... Like I looked away for 20 seconds to get caught up and bam, stuck. Terry couldn't help me because he was getting help from the girl sitting next to him that plays basketball. She pretty much always sits near him, brings him coffee sometimes in the morning, and I know they've been friends for a long time because of sports and that's really all they talk about. There's another girl that plays basketball in that class as well, I'm pretty sure she's a lesbian just based on the fact that she's completely abandoned any trace of femininity.

I admitted to Terry today that I "lost" his number. He's like "How did you lose my number?" I couldn't even think of a good reply. I had no excuse for the fact that I did to him what I always do to guys that I'm actually interested in. If they show any indication that they're over me I usually delete their number so I have no opportunity to text them unless they text me first. It's simply a preventative measure to not text guys that I like because if you text first then you could potentially look like you actually want to spend time with them. Guys seem to hate that, God forbid they should feel obligated to take you out or spend time getting to know you.

Over the past few days I've actually regretted deleting Terry's number, not because I've thought about spending time with him necessarily because I gave up on that. What I'm really afraid of losing with him is my chance to continue to compete for the highest grades. This quarter his competitiveness has caused me to excel more than I ever could have imagined, and I really do want to take classes with him this summer for that reason. I hope that Terry can realize this and just respect me, I just want to be his friend and have things be cordial between us because honestly I have such little romantic interest anymore that it doesn't matter but he probably still thinks that I do.

I'm just tired of it. All of it. The game, the cold, feeling stretched thin. I love school and I love to learn but here in four weeks I'll be ready for a break and to work. Where I work this summer is really the question now, and I'm doing everything in my power to make that happen. Right now I'm just going through some horrible body pain so I don't feel like going out and delivering job applications or talking to anyone. I just want to sit right here and everyone else can leave me be...

I'm just afraid that if I don't go out and do this now there will be some wonderful opportunity that I'll miss... lol ugh, I'm so low on money right now, I'm in so much pain, I'm stressed out, earlier in class I wanted to cry when I didn't get how to do a f^&*ing histogram.. Ha ha very emotional so you can understand why I don't want to go anywhere.

Now that I've written about my frustration I feel a little better. It hasn't been the worst day so far, I mean there's food around here and that's always a plus. Kevin offered to help me out with the lab so that's going to be a huge help if he gets some time later. Oh!! And there's new episodes of intervention on Hulu! Season 8, that'll keep me busy for a few hours while I practice guitar this evening too. Woohoo, no reason to worry about anything f' it's Friday.... I am helping out a couple girls with their classroom project for AUAP so I'm not going to volunteer for that today.

I'm just a useless lump of laziness right now lmfao

peace

This has been a pretty boring week so far

Man, after this shopping trip tonight I better have a job by the next time I need to go.

I have been searching quite a bit, networking around, etc... I'm hoping I can at least get an interview in the next week. Getting to that step is the most difficult part. I'm pretty sure if I could just get the interview I could schmooze my way into whatever I need. Tomorrow I'm going to call that steak house I delivered an application to yesterday as well as print out two more resumes for a couple restaurants around. There's also another place that's hiring that someone I happened to meet at Fred Meyer told me about when I asked him where the applications were located.

To be honest I don't want to work retail. I'd much rather have a more interactive job like being a waitress because it's so fast paced. Retail is boring but I will do what I have to do.

Today was pretty lame to be honest. I wasn't able to focus very well, I had to go grocery shopping so I didn't get to study, and now I'm exhausted and will probably go to bed without exercising now. Meh, I just feel like I wasted a lot of time today. Kind of feeling sad, this whole week has been quite boring to be honest and I've got little motivation to do anything else tonight.

I don't know, it's like I haven't hung out with anyone this week and that's kind of depressing but on the bright side I've made some major progress on the guitar this week. I'm really starting to get more comfortable with chord progression and Jacob is nudging me in that direction too. Our lesson was good today, you guys know me Thursdays are one of my favorite days because of my lesson alone. I just love the guitar so much I don't know where I'd be right now without it...

peace.

3 am post.... Pillsbury taco melts

Hey... It's 2:46 am, what's everyone up too?

Mm, I had a teabag explode in my water bottle earlier and I emptied it out and there's still some tea leaves floating around in there. Makes a pretty refreshing drink believe it or not-- just a tiny pinch of tea leaves steeping in my water. It somehow always makes my day better to have green tea in my water bottle in general I've noticed because it tastes good. Ha ha I saw Alex S. today and she noticed it. Alex takes a math class before my speech class so whenever I'm there early standing in the hallway she probably feels obligated to make awkward smalltalk with me.

I'd like to say I'm normally good with just waving at people but it seems like I'm always making small talk with people.. Just because more or less I am interested in what people are up too. This weekend my friend Bradley is making taco casserole with Pillsbury crust. Damn that sounds good right now.

Mmmm. 

I have to go grocery shopping "Today" (corrected from "tomorrow"). There's no way around it, I have few fruits and vegetables left in my apartment because I've ate them all... literally I just ate the last can of pears. There's no more fruit in the freezer, either. Blegh.. that's when I start eating sweets to compensate, that's gross. Or spend TOO much money at that stupid student store and get ripped off.

Alright well at least I have a plan now... 

peace.

How to meditate and so forth

Yo.

It's almost 5 pm. I tried to meditate for awhile but my head seemed too crowded with thoughts to relax. I'm going to try to get them out here I suppose.

Lol finally added my "rival" on facebook. 

Today was an ordinary Wednesday. As predicted Terry and I didn't talk at all yesterday but he was really chatty today. He got a 31 on the quiz so he actually did pretty well, I didn't deliberately look for his score when I was trying to find mine so I must have looked at a different one in the pile. He also got the stats homework done last night and got a 15/15 so he's now ahead of me. Tonight I intend to do my Stats homework, hopefully get 15/15 (if not, well, second attempt I should...) and then work on some job applications again. I have a couple tests coming up-- one in Stats in two days and one in Econ on Monday. So Stats really is my main priority right now.. want to get an A this quarter I'm serious!!

I'm really hoping to get a call back from that restaurant I talked to yesterday. I intend to call them the day after tomorrow (Friday) around 3 to speak with a manager to ask if the position has been filled... I really need a job, I'm too nervous to even check my balance to be honest. Ha ha all I know is I'm running out of different food that I need so I'll have to inevitably spend money AGAIN... then my Guitar lessons, $80 down the hole.

Which is why I want to get a job, make some damn money and get out of here. I've been B-O-R-E-D...... not much has been going on in my life this week aside from school, studying, get stuff done... etc etc...

I don't usually spend much time with people on the weekdays anymore, which is why I feel it's necessary to get a job.

Lol I got bored with the webcam today. I sometimes think about how crazy it would be to have an identical twin.

I have been pretty content with things overall lately. Men can be so confusing, I've given up trying to understand why they act the way that they do. I just live by the rule of thumb now to be myself and not act stupid. Something good will take me out of this routine eventually.

I just need to focus on what's important for me all day-- keep my eyes on what I need to do and get stuff done accordingly. I've been trying to get ahold of my Dad today to apologize for freaking out on him but we always have to get in one yelling match when I go home so whatever, it's routine I guess.

peace.


Oh! For those of you that are reading that want to know more about meditation... It's really easy to meditate. You can either listen to music-- any kind of fine but most people prefer instrumental music. I personally recommend the "Chill out" channel on spotify that I have on in the background for calming Ambient music all the time now. 

Anyway lye on your bed. Get comfortable. Close your eyes and focus on your nostrils as you breath in and out. As you do this focus on your midbrain...

Focusing on your midbrain while you simultaneously focus breathing through your nose will eventually cause you to fall into meditation.

You will notice that the inside of one of your nostrils will feel slightly congested when you first start focusing on your breathing, this is natural. How you know that you're falling into the stages of meditation is that both of your nostrils will feel open as you further focus on your breathing. If you do this your body will begin to feel numb and your limbs will feel heavy. 

Make sure your eyes are closed. As you fall into deeper meditation the light behind your eyelids will get darker. Accept this, don't let alarm you and fall further into the darkness. The more you can relax the better.

When your in a meditative state you have a clearer sense of consciousness. Complete bliss as you lose the feeling of your limbs and manifest only in your soul. That's the only way I can explain it. Love it, and so healthy for your body too! Monks have been doing it for thousands of years.