Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Taking a day to figure stuff out... insomnia

I'm skipping class today.

Well it's not really skipping if you feel like you really shouldn't go because it wouldn't have any benefit to you today. I got zero sleep last night. I haven't been getting enough sleep lately. I'm going to make a plan to fix this here and now.

I went to bed at 10 after drinking a glass of wine and taking half a motion sickness relief pill and I thought that'd be enough. Apparently not because I was up tossing and turning for the next three hours or so.

Yesterday wasn't a good day because of the stress of not talking to anyone for eight hours and it had a number on my appetite. For dinner I had half a grilled cheese, some quaker chips and some yogurt which I knew probably wasn't enough but because I wasn't feeling hungry necessarily and because the wine was making me sleepy I went ahead and went to bed. It was a mistake. There was so much crap on my mind that I didn't feel hungry enough to get up and eat something. So first of all, no more wine before bed. Though it relaxes me initially (which of course I like) it's not working for me to get adequate sleep and I feel it's one of the main reasons I've been tossing and turning all night. 

At 12 am I got up and had half a piece of wheat bread. Usually this does the trick for me if I can't sleep and know I'm hungry. This actually made it somewhat worse because as my appetite began to wake up so did my mind. However I chose to ignore it and continued to try to sleep. I had a prayer, please, just two hours of sleep or so is all I'd really need.... Everything happens for a reason.

My sleeping schedule has been messed up since I started taking Prozac because it makes me quite tired during the day when I combine it with lorazapam to combat anxiety. I have not lost faith in prozac yet, I've been weening myself off the lorazapam which is harder than I thought it would be. Last night at around 2 AM I took a half to hopefully relax me enough to sleep. Nope. Continue to cut back from lorazapam which is also one of the main reasons for sleepiness during the day. It's hard but I have to do it to get my sleeping schedule back in check. Or maybe instead of taking them during the day it'd be a better idea to take one at night before bed as my doctor advised when he first prescribed them.

Not only that but I went to bed with so much on my mind last night. I came out on my facebook about my problems with Central. This wasn't an easy task for me because in all honesty I'm slightly humiliated about it-- even if my mom says being in a new environment like this and my current circumstances would make many people stressed out. I have such high expectations for myself with the guitar and my studies that I've always got something to get done. Unfortunately this has left me very isolated and here it is almost February and I'm still trying to make adjustments to make my life better here.

Medication has been helpful in a number of ways, like classes haven't had me as hung up as they did last quarter to the point that I felt like I was having panic attacks in class. No, class has really become my happy time of the day, it's all of the time that I'm not in class that get to me. I applied for a position as an English tutor yesterday so I'm hoping to get the position.

Working here on campus was originally out of the question for me because I kept thinking, "Oh I'd never have time to get my guitar practicing in and my schoolwork if I have  a job..." but my Dad had a sit down talk with me this last weekend and convinced me otherwise. It was Sunday evening and I had a bit of a breakdown when I started feeling anxiety about coming back here again (an extreme case of this, though I didn't realize it at the time, was around Thanksgiving before finals when I was having panic attacks my last couple days at home nearly all the time).

Both of my parents feel awful about the situation here and are doing everything they can to help me. I feel like my friends from back home are the same way, they're so extremely supportive. I openly admitted on my facebook last night that these have been some of the hardest months of my life, and it's true. When you have depression and/or anxiety tendencies like I do, isolation can exasperate the symptoms and because I'm living in such a stressful environment in general with all the stuff I have to get done it's led me to feeling far different than I've ever felt.

Not really talking to anyone for hours on end is the absolute pits. I've had to work especially hard to keep my head busy...

Wow I'm getting extremely tired now. I got up and threw up this morning because I was so stressed out about making my decision to not go to class today even if I know it's always an important lecture day-- especially in Finite because we're going through the most difficult part of the chapter. I'm probably going to go to one of the tutors tonight to get me caught up today.

I do have some plans, Allie and I are going to eat lunch together at 1-ish and I've got my first group counciling meeting at 3. Until then I plan to sleep a bit, eat, probably study and practice a little... I don't know, trying to just mellow out today because it's been a hard week so far.


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