Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Do not be anxious about anything...

Hey, how's it going?

I'm pretty satisfied with my overall performance this week with juggling school and the guitar. Yesterday evening I went to the finite math tutoring center in Bouillon which I consider somewhat of an achievement to have such initiative. He tutors finite 4 days a week for an hour, I am most definitely going to  take full advantage of that. I've decided that I want to get GOOD grades this quarter, better than last quarter where I got straight B's. I'd like to get at least one A this quarter.. that is my initial goal because until I see what the tests are going to look like I can't set my standards TOO high or I set myself up for failure.

B's aren't a bad grade. I don't feel unaccomplished with last quarter's marks but sitting at a 3.1 GPA currently I certainly don't have much wiggle room to fall into a C average, blugh. So that being said, obviously I'd like to pull a 3.2 and above on all of my classes this quarter which means really keeping up with things... especially the reading for my English class, which is the hardest part for me. I'm so glad I didn't major in English, the continual re-examining or sources is so annoying to me. I mean I understand why it's important to make sure you have a reputable source and current data for studies and such but... citing these sources, making sure you're not accidentally plagerizing... is so very, very annoying.

I'm really just not a fan of academic writing-- yet another reason I'm extremely content in the business major. Some of this dry stuff gets confusing at times but I haven't had to write one paper since I got here. That's about to change, I've got my first writing assignment in English 102 due on Friday.

I almost had a panic attack in economics today. Luckily I've made a habit of taking a Lorazapam before that class to make sure I'm at least somewhat relaxed through that and my finite math class. I feel like if I didn't have lorazapam I would be having a much more difficult time with panic this quarter but it really has helped me stable out... worlds away from the fear I was dealing with practically 24-7 around Thanksgiving.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

Philippians 4:6

Last night was my second night of making a conscious effort to pray before sleeping. Prayer is something I haven't done nor taken seriously throughout my life. I guess this is why I feel such a powerful amount of emotions behind it. I find it very comforting yet there's still an annoying voice inside my head that will pop in either before, during or after prayer that says "You're talking to nobody. What is the point of this. You're stupid to believe this, etc..." I feel this alone is an obstacle in finding my faith again. From my heart I want to believe. From my mind it's very hard for me to believe that anyone's truly listening. I plan to put the negative thoughts behind me and keep trying.

Every night I just pray for the anxiety problem to continue to improve. I ask for strength to get through my classes without feeling like I can't breath. I also ask for safety.. I'm so clumsy and careless sometimes about how I do things. Like I'm so focused on WHAT I need to get done at any given time that I sometimes don't use as much caution as I should. I have so many close calls where I almost fall on ice or fall down stairs or even knocking hot pans with oil off the stove. I think back to my head injury and realize how being a little careless can cause major impacts... I'm just trying to live more cautiously, which isn't a characteristic that comes naturally to me. 

Today I've got quite a bit of work to do. It's almost 2.. I've got to do some economics review, guitar for 90 minutes, read a section of my finite book then go to the tutoring room again at 5:30. I'm doing well in that class but with the free resource there I feel like I'm half-assing myself by not taking advantage.


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