I realize in order to change my near constant anxiety and depression with this place I have to begin filling my time. I have too much time on my hands that I've allowed myself to spend alone, which I'm pretty sure is the main reason I've been having such difficulties. I have to start making an effort to make changes to get away from this isolation. I've always been afraid to dedicate myself to anything here because I take my grades and the guitar so seriously that I always allow myself to have a good amount of time each day to do them. Today though, and over the past couple days, I've felt so miserable that I've been barely able to enjoy practicing the guitar at all. I need to create a better balance in my life to achieve a better experience here. It's not too late.
I went on Safari tonight to try and find a couple things going on around campus in the next couple weeks. I found that every Thursday on the SURC patio they give out hot chocolate and flyers that list events happening in the following weeks-- good, that's a start, I can begin putting things on my calendar. On the 22nd (the day after Martin Luther King day) there's going to be a few guest speakers coming and doing an hour long seminar. I guess I'll go to that too, why the Hell not.
As for clubs, I took a closer look at the list. I've decided I do not want to do Karate club because it's not a class-- more than likely everyone that's in it has experience in karate. Maybe in the spring I will join the tennis club.
So tomorrow I'm going to go back to that office after class to get the information for the following:
- The A.U.A.P. friends club (basically an international club)
- The Society of Human Resource Management (SHRM)
- The tennis club
As well as get information on student employment. I talked to my mom and she thinks that would be really good for me however the idea of trying to plan my studies and guitar around that scares me. BUT. I'm willing to give it a try. I have too. I need to have a plan to achieve a better amount of peace here.
*Maybe*, just maybe, that would be for the best. Not only would I feel better about taking lessons because I could earn a little money and pay for it but it can also help me feel a better sense of purpose to work. I don't know, one step at a time. At least I have a plan for tomorrow. Tomorrow will be an excellent day for this too because I don't have my finite math class for some reason. All I have is econ., which I did go to tutoring for today and got a private session who did help significantly.
This evening after coming back from my economics tutor I passed the multipurpose building and saw a ton of people funneling in there. My conscious told me, "You should go check it out." I did, and turns out it was practice for traditional Japanese dance. They'd been practicing for a month so obviously I'm not just going to hop in but I did meet a couple people briefly and one girl told me this was through the A.U.A.P Friend's Club. Now that I've been in there and checked it out I've decided to look into that club as well. It's basically a club where you can meet international students and stuff. So even if I made an awkward dork of myself to just show up to their practice I'd like to see what they're all about.
One Japanese guy came up and was like, "You should join!!" I'm like... err, I don't know, I haven't ever practiced this. So yeah for the most part they seemed pretty friendly.
And! I just texted Allie and we're going to have lunch tomorrow.
I prayed to God to please give me the answers of how I'm going to make friends and I now feel driven to give this school another chance. Jesus gives me strength wherever I go, even in these hard times where I feel so lost and alone. Lol though I have to give my parents some credit on suggesting to try to get a part time job on campus. One step at a time.